<p>maize2018,
I momentarily thought maybe you were just being ironic. Now I know you really are clueless. </p>
<p>Do you know how long it takes to pay back $80,000 in loans? and what the total final cost would be?</p>
<p>By the way, maybe the young man should have been the one to make a sacrifice and go to a school which his sweetheart could afford. Relationships are a two way street. Just thought.</p>
<p>Maize is no longer with us. At least until she reregisters.</p>
<p>Thank you, Maine Longhorn. There are multiple kinds of intelligence and maize seemed to be lacking in at least one form (says the community college professor).</p>
<p>Edited to add: Best wishes to the OP. No suggestions, but I do feel for your struggle. There’s often a lot of truth in the saying about how we are never happier than our unhappiest child.</p>
<p>OP- I cannot help you with your D but I think I can help you with YOU.</p>
<p>First- stop blaming yourself. whatever technique works for you- go to a pond and empty out your pockets in a symbolic “let it go” move. Scream and cry in the shower until you are hoarse and exhausted and waterlogged. But take all the blame and responsibility you are carrying around and let it go out there into the world and off your back. It is not your fault your d didn’t want to stay at college, and it’s not your fault that she’s home without a plan. You allowed your kid to move back home when she was miserable at college- but you didn’t create her misery so stop blaming yourself.</p>
<p>Second- try to get some perspective on the situation. Agree that if you can find affordable counseling (either for you, you and your husband, or all of you) it would be great, but if not, do you have a non-judgmental friend, religious leader, or someone who is able to sit and listen without jumping in with solutions? I think you need to hear yourself think here in order to get some clarity. As I recall from your posts last year, you were having a lot of conflict with your D over the college process from the git-go (money, some control issues, your D’s expectations vs. your realities). Finding a neutral party where you can air some of these issues and get a handle on what has really been at the heart of some of these conflicts can really help you.</p>
<p>Third- get a grip (I mean that in a loving way, not a nasty way). You have done so many things right with your D over the years-- so much of her academic success, her ambition, etc. This is a speed bump-- nothing more. You just need some time to regroup here. So don’t let this setback define you as a parent, or define your kid. A few years from now this will be a very minor event, so you’ve got to toughen yourself up for the next few months.</p>
<p>Fourth- Give your D a little space to figure things out for herself without making yourself a doormat.<br>
So no picking up after her (if she were in the dorm, she’d be tidying her own room now, wouldn’t she?) No handing her $20 as she’s leaving for the mall. You don’t have to ask her fifty times a day if she’s talked to the BF, nor do you have to upend your own routine because she’s back home. The boredom and the inactivity and the missing of the boyfriend is going to get pretty stale in another couple of weeks. That may be the catalyst she needs to get moving with her life- but having Mommy in active parent mode isn’t going to help. So be cordial, but don’t get too involved in every little dramatic moment. What she’s majoring in, how the relationship is going, how she’s feeling about her “passions”- just be polite but don’t go there. If she’s feeding off the drama… once the show is over, she’ll have to get serious about … real life. Like majoring in history or accounting or elementary Ed or Literature or whatever. Even people who are passionate about what they study don’t feel passionate about it every day or every week. We all just have to get out of bed and do it. And so will your D once she grows up a bit.</p>
<p>Fifth- ignore the nasty people in the world (including on this thread). Big hug to you, and you will be earning a gold star for parenting when this is all over and she’s back in college!!!</p>
<p>Maize, seriously, what do you even get out of participating here? You started out on the other thread actually sounding pretty reasonable, but I guess you couldn’t hold it in any longer. I don’t think this is healthy. Please go join some clubs or something and quit coming to CC under different monikers to try to incite bad feelings. I think you may need some counseling yourself.</p>
<p>OP, what’s done is done. Here’s what I would suggest: perhaps, rather than having her contribute her paycheck towards household expenses etc., tell her that anything she can save can go towards college costs. That’s if you think that would motivate her to work harder, maybe find a better-paying job (or a second job) in order to be able to attend the school she really wants. It sounds like she was never really crazy about the school she ended up at, which may have been part of the problem. But if she doesn’t seem motivated to work towards gaining admission to a different school for next year, then I’d tell her that since she seems to be settling in for an indefinite period of being a working adult, she needs to live like one, which means being responsible for her personal expenses and contributing towards the household. I would emphasize that I don’t think you should present it to her as being somehow a punishment for dropping out, or that it’s in the spirit of “hey, you wanted this, now you get to see that it’s not all fun and games.” She needs to have a reason for why she’s working, and she needs structure and regimen. </p>
<p>In the end, it’s not the end of the world if she works for a few years now. It might end up being for the best if the time and perspective help her figure out what she wants to do with her life.</p>
<p>To answer your original question: I don’t think it’s a question of maturity. God knows there are plenty of super-immature college students out there. There seems to be a leap of faith that kids have to take in going off to college – they seem to question why they are there, whether it’s what they really want, what it is they’re working towards – and if they can’t find good answers to those questions, they can become depressed, stressed out, hopeless, angry, or just lose motivation and get poor grades.</p>
<p>He offered to switch schools actually. I felt awful about that.</p>
<p>It was not the partying that bothered her. I guess I was not so clear. I mean, that did bother her, a lot. But she is not my first to go to college. I knew she has high anxiety about things, so I tried to prepare her in advance for the fact that kids do party and such in college. But by the time that happened…</p>
<p>I guess details do matter…</p>
<p>She was excited to move in. She waited all day for her roommate. When her roommate showed up, the roommate and her mother attacked my daughter. My daughter did not re-arrange the room at all, and took the closet and such the roommate mother told her to take in advance. She figured she and the roommate could figure the rest out when the roommate got there. The mother shows up and starts ripping my daughter’s things out of the closet and shoving her stuff around and damaged some of it. She was screaming at my daughter that she was selfish for moving her stuff in before the roommate, even though the roommate moved in hours after the end of move in time. The campus police did escort the parents off campus after that. But the roommate was yelling at her too. Then the roommate went around and gossiped about her. Then she came back and told my daughter that everyone hates her. My daughter was offered a place in a different dorm, but they couldn’t seem to tear themselves away on a Friday to give her the new room. As a result, she stayed at home all weekend. We took her back up Monday evening after they got her a new room. Her new roommate was very nice. But after everything that happened, my daughter was thrown in to a compete panic and anxiety moment. The new roommate was headed out and invited my daughter along and that was where they ended up. And then in the morning, she ran in to the original roommate multiple times around campus. The school is very small, about 1200 people. She ended up missing the entire freshman orientation because of what the first roommate did. My daughter felt she would not get away from the gossip and nastiness of the first roommate. </p>
<p>I mentioned her being upset by the partying, because that did upset her. And to me, that stuff should have rolled off her back and she should have been thrilled to be invited along. Her roommate is super sweet and even texted me earlier to ask me how my daughter was doing and hopes that my daughter will come back in the spring. But, my daughter was horrified by the partying. Maybe I should not even focus on the fact that this bothered her. I think this was simply the icing on the cake. If she had been there for orientation, she would have perhaps gotten to know some of the girls before heading off to a party, which was her final straw. If I really think about it, it may be that the final straw was before that and she was done once she walked away from the first dorm room. So far, in damages, multiple books had the binding damaged or other damages, the fridge had a dent on the side from being shoved over but in to something, as well as deep scratches. There are damages on another thing. </p>
<p>About the smoking, I know from traveling that many parts of this country seem to have a lot of smoking. But where we live, in city limits, and for many of the surrounding suburbs, it is illegal to smoke in public and even restaurants cannot have smoking areas inside. I, literally, do not know anyone who smokes now, at all. Wait, actually, my brother’s wife smokes. They don’t live here though. I know that my husbands relatives who live in Canada smoke a ton. I never smell smoke even in the backyard. Kids here are more likely to get in to prescription drugs or hard core drugs. But smoking seems to be a thing of the past here. </p>
<p>Ok…so I included all the details I left out the first time. Maybe I am underestimating the emotional effect of the first bad roommate. Maybe it is not immaturity. My first roommate in college came home drunk every night and with a different guy. She was nasty and some of my things did get damaged from her behavior. But, I never would have left school over it. But, I also partied my way through my first semester and got low grades. So which is more mature? I think I am more mature because I stuck it out with a bad roommate and made it through (until she dropped out, which was just weeks in), then I turned around and got low grades. Meanwhile, my daughter bailed before the first class with scholarships at other schools still in tact. </p>
<p>I am not saying I am not upset. I feel like I still cannot sort out what happened. Did I screw up? Yes, I obviously did. But did she screw up? Is she too immature for college? Should she have sucked it up? Or is she the only logical one here?</p>
<p>This is a lot of drama, but nothing that warranted to quit the school. Sometimes when our kid hears from us that it is not as bad as it seems then he/she may try to cope with it, but if we get caught up with their drama then we are just feeding into it. </p>
<p>
That really was quite a scene, huh?</p>
<p>Well, it all sounds like a classic “perfect storm”…
bad roommate… with bad parents… boyfriend at a more expensive school… unprepared for partying… unsure of major… etc…</p>
<p>Don’t blame yourself. </p>
<p>Actually, this could be a major learning experience for your daughter. Now she really has to decide what she is going to do. Frankly, I wouldn’t push her much. She could take a year off, or maybe find a decent school with rolling admissions for January 2015. Lots of options still. At least your are not out tens of thousands of dollars. A couple thousand maybe. You will recover. So will your daughter.</p>
<p>Well, I definitely understand your daughter feeling shaken and upset, and given that it’s such a small school, she probably envisioned that her entire sojourn there would be ruined by First Roommate’s vendetta against her. Yes, it’s drama, but drama like that matters a lot to girls her age.</p>
<p>I think I’ll say that I would have advised you to have her stick it out for a little while longer, just for the record – but as we all know, for every “I stayed and grew to love my school” story there’s another “I transferred to another school after the first year and it was the best thing I ever did!” story. And it doesn’t sound like she threw away an irreplaceable opportunity in leaving that school. Maybe it was even for the best financially, since don’t most schools only give financial aid to entering freshmen?</p>
<p>I think those details are important. That is a horrible way for anyone to start off their freshman year in college. And in a school with only 1200 students, your D’s feeling that she would not be able to recover from the incident are understandable. No one deserves that kind of treatment and hopefully you put the woman in her place real quick. Was there communication between the two girls before school started? Did either of you have any idea of the nature of the people you were dealing with?</p>
<p>Still think you made the right decision and agree that your best bet if to let your D find her own way. </p>
<p>Stop beating yourself up. I think this will all work out. Having her home and in therapy is better than having her living with a witch. </p>
<p>I don’t have the patience to read beyond the first page of this thread. She should have stayed in college and gotten over her snit. Since you made the HUGE mistake of letting her come home without even trying, now she needs to find a job or move out, or both. She has been behaving like a first class brat. Time to lower the boom. I have absolutely no sympathy for a smart kid who is torpedoing herself for the sake of a BF or GF. She flipped out because she saw someone at a party smoking a CIGARETTE??? That is possible the dumbest thing I have ever heard. I’d cut off all funds and privileges, such as using a car, effective immediately. She can get a job. When she has come to her senses, she can apply to colleges and go, IF and only if she gets into a place you can afford. End of story.</p>
<p>Okay, I read the intervening posts. Obviously, she was subjected to a psychotic room mate and parents (they were actually escorted away by security??!!??). I would have had her try to stick it out after the change. But that is water over the bridge. It sounds as if she COULD in fact go to the school where the BF is in the spring, and that in the meantime she could work to try to save money to cover some of the gap. Sounds like a plan, to me. I would impress upon her that she needs to work and save, and that refusing work to talk to BF will not have the desired result.</p>
<p>
The school moved her to another room with a very nice roommate. The roommate who texted OP to make sure the D was ok and to find out if she was coming back. A very concerned new roommate. I don’t believe OP’s D ever wanted to go to the school, but OP didn’t want to listen. A bit of passive aggressive behavior. The question is who is going to win this battle.</p>
<p>Again, I would strongly suggest family counseling. This current issue had mom issues, kid issues, and dad issues. Until they can resolve their family conflicts, this is likely to happen repeatedly.</p>
<p>The mom said she expected this to happen. So when there was an inkling of a problem, she was right there fulfilling this prophecy. </p>
<p>The college responded well. The family needs to learn how to support one another, not add fuel to the fire.</p>
<p>In the meantime, not all is lost. This student can work and reapply next year as a freshman. Really, that isn’t a bad idea. And she will have a year to sort out how to best approach bumpy rides.</p>
<p>I agree with thumper1: family counseling is in order. I seem to recall endless drama with the older S, now with the D.</p>
<p>On the plus side, you have bright kids. Learning how to calmly support them and sidestep the drama would be a good thing.</p>
<p>Looking back at OP’s threads, she had concerns more than a year ago about this child, her lack of maturity, her wavering opinions on what major she might choose, her wavering opinions on which type of college to choose, even concerns about the boyfriend (assuming it is the same one). The current state of things was predictable months ago, in part because the mother was driving much of the entire process, even including the D’s HS career.</p>
<p>Family counseling would have been great long ago, but better late than never, I guess. I’ll bet this girl’s complaints about the party and the dreaded cigarette smoke were really just a smokescreen (no pun intended) for her instead of saying she wasn’t ready. What the family needs to do is make some next step plans. They put her somewhere they had doubts about long ago, that SHE had doubts about, then she apparently had to give up a years-long EC that she excelled at that was tied to a possible career (music), and so on and so on.Lots of decisions to be made.</p>
<p>My D made a 180-degree change in direction after her first year and did leave her school. She began working just to help pay her way, but ended up finding something she loves and is doing quite well in her career now. My brother’s one-time summer job led hm to his owning his own business in that field. You never know where your direction will come from.</p>
<p>Hopefully they will find their way as a family and be in better shape to help the next crop of kids headed to college.</p>
<p>On the plus side, you did save on the tuition and there are no bad grades on her record if she wants to transfer. </p>
<p>Agree to try counseling; there are certainly some underlying issues here that have to do with more than college.</p>
<p>Blossom, as usual, has some good advice for you. It’s a difficult situation, and as I said before, there is no quick or easy answer. Some of this just has to work itself out as your daughter sees what her options are. It’s important to maintain financial security the best you can, because, yes, things can go wrong and you don’t want to be backed in a corner with fewer options due to having spent your money on other things. You don’t want your DD and yourself to owe large amounts of money AND have some of the same issues. </p>
<p>My dear freind of many years had a similar issue and she borrowed way more than she could afford to give her daughter, a most deserving, talented young woman exactly what she wanted. And she did have a great college experience until it came time to pay the piper, the loans. It’s pretty much made both mother’s and daughter’s very difficult for the last 6 years. </p>
<p>I think it’s also important to remember that there are many possible paths to a happy life. There was never only one right answer to “should we have made D stay at college or did we do the right thing in letting her come home?” Both courses of action could turn out well or badly, depending on a lot of factors that you can’t necessarily predict right now. Just like in other areas of life! So there’s no point in second-guessing everything now. </p>
<p>In the end, your daughter has to forge her own way and there’s only so much you can do from now on. But college will always be there, and she may value it more and work harder if it’s not just the obligatory next step in a path that somebody else planned out for her.</p>
<p>I was going to type the same as dustypig. While it is important to understand the situation, there’s no need to assign blame to anyone or characterize actions. What you need to do is move forward given what you know.</p>
<p>Not everyone follows a linear path through life, not even the most successful (or happy) people. One could say, they were successful (or happy) because they did encounter obstacles and bumps.</p>
<p>Lots of good advice. The main one I want to echo is to avoid assigning blame and/or fault. Is your daughter immature? Don’t know. It sounded like a horrific introduction to her college that would rattle most students regardless of maturity level. Were you wrong to bring her home? Don’t know. I don’t know how saying you were wrong helps you. What would help is counseling to help you see alternative actions when problems arise.</p>
<p>good luck.</p>