<p>I wouldn’t beat yourselves up. I have one slightly immature kid and I’m glad she is only 1 hour away. She did some stupid things last year and now expressed regrets, but at least she learned never to do it again. Going to nearby or local seems to be good option for your daughter.</p>
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<p>Seriously?</p>
<p>Just saying: both of mine had doubles that had been converted to quads- a desk/sitting room and a small BR with bunk beds, but one measly closet for four girls. </p>
<p>Yeah, I don’t get that either. It’s just clothing hanging in a closet. It doesn’t have cooties. I can appreciate that it may be small, but it’s not gross.</p>
<p>I didn’t read every post but it sounds like, in summary: OP’s daughter got into the same college (honors) as her BF but it was too costly, so she went to a less expensive school and now she dropped out, came home and wants to go to BF’s school to pursue her “passion”?</p>
<p>It sounds like OP’s daughter is acting out in order to get what she wanted all along: attending school with her BF.</p>
<p>That sounds like a insolant behavior. I read somewhere that a child is mature when she comes to the realization that her mother was right all along. That rings true to me.</p>
<p>It maybe kind of gross if the other person doesn’t wash their clothes as often as you do. I don’t think I would like to share a closet with someone I don’t know too well.</p>
<p>If the OP’s daughter is indeed immature, for sure she will be more mature in a year. But if she wants to apply anew for fall 2015 admission, she should start working on that soon!</p>
<p>Yes, seriously. Some people do not have the same idea of neat and clean as you. And if one or both expected their own closet, space is an issue.</p>
<p>I didn’t even like having HS lockers right next to each other. The kid next to me had the WORST BO in the world, yeah I know it wasn’t his fault but I literally thought I was going to pass out.</p>
<p>Call me cranky.</p>
<p>Yes. The kid that goes to college then parties day and night and graduates with a poor GPA because they did not spend proper time studying is wasting his (or likely his parent’s) money and is obviously too immature for college.</p>
<p>Unless a person is aiming to go to college with the primary goal of learning, they are wasting their tiime.</p>
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Ding ding ding! I believe we have a winner. It’s the absurd “oh my God, someone was smoking a cigarette and I couldn’t bear it” story that convinces me that this girl is a master manipulator. As if there aren’t tons of smokers at every college! </p>
<p>There’s been lots of great advice on this thread (excepting that provided by the know-it-all kid). I’d add that mom and dad should remove themselves from any decision by the daughter about choosing a major. It’s really not their business, and it sounds like this family hardly needs one more bone of contention. Looking forward, if the daughter has not gotten herself situated in another (affordable) school full-time by next fall, it’s time to move her out of the parental home to whatever she can afford on her own–a room in a shared house, a nanny job with room and board, etc. If college isn’t on her agenda (an unaffordable college doesn’t count), she’ll have to start living on her own as the adult she is.</p>
<p>I think I would perhaps buy this. She is not planning a wedding for next summer and says she will do it, with, or without me. I suspect she never wanted to go off to college in the first place. And her boyfriend says he will transfer to where ever she goes.</p>
<p>I agree with MommaJ and suspect in the end that had a huge piece of her melt-down over things that are relatively minor. What you do in the meantime is up to you, but you and your H should not capitulate and go into debt for her to go to the college that you said “no” to already. No is no. If she can figure out how to do it within your budget - then more power to her as she will have matured greatly in the process of figuring out how to do it within your budget. If her goal is to get married and be a SAHM well you’ve saved yourselves alot of money and she can do college later on her own dime (or her husband’s dime) if she needs to or wants to.</p>
<p>Whatever she does though- DO NOT DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT LET HER GET MARRIED BEFORE SHE IS 25 at the ABSOLUTE earliest. There is a reason stuff at the age of 18 doesnt usually go for more than 6-7 months-they probably have made it longer than that but you catch my drift- if she isnt ready to start living independently and without help-she is nowhere even NEAR ready to be married-she is acting like an 18 year old-thats normal- but you have got to save her from herself-no one is ready for marriage at 18. Be very wary of her BF and how serious they get- you do not want your kid to be dealing with something that would be traumatic for a 30 year old at 20. Not to say they cant date or anything-but I cant think of any kid that we knew that had the whole “follow to college” thing happen and NOT break up, a few do make it LDR and a few more marry out of college-but that is still in the minority. If they can make it work-awesome. But they are way way way way too young to make a decision that adult like when neither of them have more than 3 weeks of college under their feet.</p>
<p>This isnt to say, your daughter is a bad girl, or any immature than any other 18 year old, believe me EVERY 18 year old is immature to an extent. She is going through something that a lot of 18 year olds go through. She is just a baby in the scheme of adulthood. You do not want your daughter to spend 4 years pining after this guy and lose sight of her own person and her own dreams. If she is 22 and very mature and still with this guy, than I would consider. But she’s too young to make those kinds of decisions.</p>
<p>^But we can’t always control our kids, no matter our intentions.<br>
What we can do is set expectations starting today- not just for next semester or for next fall. If she wants to make her own decisions, she can take on her own responsibilities, starting now. It’s a good life lesson.</p>
<p>Well, of COURSE getting married at 18, 20 even 22 is far too early for most kids. But, they ARE over the legal, so they CAN, if they so desire, get married at those ages. You can forbid it all you want, but there is no law that prevents them from going down to City Hall and getting married. None. And sure, they’ll likely break up before that happens, but if not, well, there’s a painful, expensive and life-altering life lesson. And there’s always the rare but possible chance that a teen marriage (or close to it) can work. </p>
<p>We have to remember that as much as we like to think of our kids as “children” until they are done with college, self-supporting and maybe even other restrictions we place on them, the law says otherwise. We are not like other countries were unmarried young women are married off only at the parents’ say-so and live under the parents’ thumbs until then.</p>
<p>OP, sending condolences as you struggle to keep up with whatever your daughter’s current story of the day is. So if marriage is the current button she is pushing, you and your husband need to take time alone, away from the house and your children, and have a meaningful discussion. Air your feelings and come to a united decision on how you will respond to your daughter’s intentions.</p>
<p>If she is 18, you can’t legally forbid her to marry, and the drama that fighting about it will produce will further strain all the relationships in your home. Discuss with spouse, decide, and calmly announce to daughter your position. “We do not support this marriage, will not finance the ceremony, and will not attend the ceremony. If you choose to marry, you will do it with your own money and you will forfeit all future college funds.” (or whatever you and spouse decide) End of discussion, go on about your daily life and let daughter make her choices.</p>
<p>If you choose to allow her to continue living at your home, you enforce whatever chores, rent, etc. rules you have in place for her. You don’t have to respond emotionally to anything she tells you about wedding plans. And if her continuing to live there still creates tension and friction, you can choose to ask her to move out immediately.</p>
<p>You and your spouse need to decide to set the tone for your household. Are there younger children still living at home that are being pulled into this craziness as well? Remember to consider their well being too as you make decisions.</p>
<p>YOU CAN’T CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE. YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE HOW YOU CHOOSE TO RESPOND TO THEM. Much easier said than done, I encourage you to seek counseling to help you find a peace you can live with through this coming storm.</p>
<p>The boyfriend’s parents and the young man will probably figure into this somewhere along the line. I’m sure they won’t be terribly thrilled if he gets talked into following her to the college she can afford at the start of his sophomore or junior year. He could have done that last year but did not. </p>
<p>I’m assuming you meant “she is now planning a wedding” rather than “she is not planning a wedding”? What is the rush? This boy was willing to go off to school without her. (Nothing wrong with that, as far as I’m concerned). Is he really ready to marry her at this point? Or is this a one-sided attempt from her to get a commitment from him because she fears he will meet someone at his college he likes better? What exactly is she planning on doing all the years while he is off at college? What will she do if this marriage falls through, either before or after the marriage takes place? I’d have a talk with her about how even if she is planning to be a stay at home wife (assuming he is ok with that) that she should get an education that will allow her to support herself should her life circumstances change. </p>
<p>Who knows, maybe his parents married really young so wouldn’t be bothered. I know I’d have alot to say to the girl, to my son and to the girl’s parents if one of mine would have contemplated marriage before finishing college or changing colleges in mid-stream. Remember this young lady is not in college anymore so that’s a huge factor - she’s got plenty of time right now to think about “what if” and weddings.</p>
<p>My daughter had a boyfriend while she was in high school. He is two years older, although only one school grade. We lived in Florida, he in California. He’s going to college in California, she in Wyoming. </p>
<p>So his father calls me in April to propose ‘the plan.’ They (boyfriend, mother, father) will come to Florida in the RV for D’s graduation, then they’ll go on a two week vacation to Naples and Key West, then they will drive to Colorado and Wyoming to take D to her orientation at Wyo., then on to a wedding (MY family wedding) in Oregon, then back to California where she’ll work for him for the summer, and then she can go to college. Hmmm, no. After a day, I told him they could come to graduation and she could go on the Florida vacation, but the rest was out. Boyfriend could meet us at the wedding if he wanted to. Much grumbling about how ‘these kids need to spend time together, get to know each other, they are really in love’ blah blah blah. I told him there was nothing normal about living in an RV for the summer with your boyfriend and his parents and would not give the young couple a sense of life together. I was concerned that they were going to have too much control over her as she didn’t even have a driver’s license and had no way to escape even for an hour.</p>
<p>But I got my way and they came for graduation and she went on the trip, and then called to come home a day early and boyfriend came with her for a few days, and then she broke up with him. Seems RV living with the Boring Family was not for her. In any way. It did help her to get to know BF - and realize she didn’t like him all that much. D was also very happy that I took her to orientation as there were some paperwork problems I had to solve, and she just felt more comfortable looking at classes and clubs with me than she would have with boyfriend (he didn’t want her to go to school there, he wanted her to move to be near him. Whine whine whine). She was also happy to be solo at the wedding and she could just hang with the cousins.</p>
<p>OP, I’d give your daughter some responsibility with these new plans. If she wants to go to a different college, she’s in charge. If she wants to get married, I’d advise against it, but I wouldn’t forbid it or threaten, but just make it clear you won’t have the money to support her if she marries and becomes independent and you no longer get the tax credits. Have her meet with financial counselors before the marriage to see what the picture will really be. Let her know what your level of support will be (financial and emotional). A year ago I told my daughter that before I’d pay an application for a California college she had to show me how she was going to pay for it, and one reason she wanted to go to that school other than because it was near the boyfriend. She was too lazy to do that, to look for scholarships, to even figure out a plan.</p>