<p>Ok…I know I am still just processing, but, I do suspect her overreaction to things was related to her chats with the boyfriend. Not that she wants to go to his school, she actually says she does not. I think when things were going poorly, he wanted her to switch to his school, so he fed in to it. Apparently, he said stuff to her like her college was a bad environment. And she could do so much better. And she needs to get away from bad people like that. I do not know all the details of what he said. I know he was the one who started in on wanting to get married next summer. He is the one who keeps offering to transfer to whatever school she goes to, and so on. I think she overreacted probably. But, I think he fed in to it. Obviously I will not know 100%. </p>
<p>Overall, I just want her back in school ASAP, and I don’t think I want her at the same school as him.</p>
<p>Honestly, I have sunk in to a deep depression over everything. I wish I could feel better. I wish I could just shake this off. Last year was Hell. And now, I feel like I am going to repeat it again.</p>
<p>Set limits and expectations. You have that choice, that power. It’s good for kids. Good for parents. You can start with small steps. I had to do this for D2 (22) yesterday. Now she knows. And I’ll stick to it.
You can’t go backwards, change her college decision or whatever happened last year. But you can take back your power over “today” and going forward. Find the strength. </p>
<p>I agree that you need to sit down with D and really spell out your expectations of her - whether she gets a full-time job or goes to community college. I would also spell out exactly what you are going to pay for (housing, food, etc) and what she is now responsible for (gas, car insurance, clothes, etc). Set limits, stick to them. </p>
<p>As far as getting married, I would ask them to sit together and make a realistic plan on how they are going to support themselves (and go to college?). And, of course, if you decide to help out with the wedding, set a strict budget.</p>
<p>And I don’t think family counselling would be out of line. Good luck!!! (It will get better)</p>
<p>@Imkh70
Is this the same daughter you posted about back in April who had been denied nothing growing up and had unrealistic expectations about what you could afford in terms of her “college experience”? If so it’s time she has a reality check. I’d tell her to forget getting money from you for a wedding, and that she should get a job if she wants anything more than food and a roof over her head while she’s staying with you. Once she’s saved up money from the job to put towards going back to college, then (and only then) consider paying the remainder for her to go back to study. If she threatens to go off with her boyfriend just let her go, for goodness sake don’t let her call your bluff. Reality will dawn for the “young lovers” soon enough and she’ll doubtless be back on your doorstep.</p>
<p>Sounds like she is trying her best to push all the buttons she can. Don’t engage. Don’t discuss the wedding. You can’t forbid it, but you sure don’t have to fund it or joyfully join in the planning. I suspect if you try to make school an issue, your little drama queen is going to run with that one. Discuss expectations with your H, lay them out (and consequences) and then back out of the drama! Go get counseling for yourself. You’re going to need it to avoid getting dragged into all the excrement this kid is trying to unearth.</p>
<p>How do you propose to stop a legal adult from getting married? You can yank financial support etc. but you can’t forbid it. I got married at 24 and it worked out great. Of course I had been self-supporting for two years.</p>
<p>There is nothing wrong with marriage in one’s early twenties as long as one is mature enough to be financially independent of the parents and accept the responsibility of providing for oneself and the spouse. In this particular case, it doesn’t sound like the daughter is quite there yet. </p>
<p>If it were me (and I know it’s not, so it’s easy to give advice) I would refuse to engage in any discussions going forward about the BF. A simple “that’s nice” when she brings it up, and then walk out of the room or otherwise disengage.</p>
<p>He is not your responsibility. Whether they end up getting married or not, there’s nothing productive that can come from a dialogue about him right now. If you try to be rational and point out all the reasons why two undereducated kids shouldn’t get married until they can support themselves, she’ll have all sorts of nifty plans (His parents will pay their rent! She’ll get a great job to cover expenses! etc.) If you get emotional and point out that she’s throwing her life away over some HS crush, she’ll get hysterical that you’re trying to ruin her life.</p>
<p>I know it’s challenging that she’s back home and you want her back in college, but if she’s going to have a year of instability and unfocused thinking, better to have it while you are not paying tuition for her to be learning organic chemistry (without focus) and studying primate anthropology (without focus).</p>
<p>If she’s going to take another year to get her act together so she can approach her education with enough gusto to make it happen, so be it. At least you’re not flushing tuition down the drain.</p>
<p>Is there another family member in the picture (aunt, grandparent, cousin) who has room for a boarder for a while? You may all do better with her living elsewhere. She’ll need to do chores there, she’ll need to cover her expenses, a loving but not mom family member is not likely to be so reactive over her drama. It will be safe for her; but between working a job, trying to keep up communication with the BF (who is going to get busier with the semester in gear) and her household chores, she won’t have time to drive you crazy.</p>
<p>Anyone in the picture who might be willing?</p>
<p>I got married at 21, and was living with the guy now my dear DH since we were 19 and 20. After never dating in HS and one previous relationship in college of about a month. Note my parents married at around 30 and fought like cats and dogs. My friend got married at 32 and regrets it every day of her life (complicated, can’t divorce).</p>
<p>The boyfriend thing sounds a bit serious, in that they seem to think there is some kind of tight connection even though they are apart. </p>
<p>Think about what getting married, if they actually want to, would do for them and you:
once they are married, they are independent of their parents = no parent financial responsibility
therefore, financial aid will be dependent upon THEM not you and his parents
therefore, they might actually be able to “afford college” because they will probably be dirt poor </p>
<p>So yes, you do need family counseling if anything like that might be in her (your?) future. </p>
<p>IMHO, forget even about a job or doing chores or whatever. If she is being abusive to you AT ALL, even if she is still only 17, you have to get her out of the house. I know that where I went to school, they did not ban someone living in your dorm room with you if you had a single. </p>
<p>Send her to the boyfriend without her going to the college and see how he likes it.</p>
<p>I’m torn between reassuring you that she’s being immature and irresponsible but she will outgrow both, or on the other hand suggesting a full psychological evaluation to see if your daughter has a mental health issue like anxiety, or a personality disorder like borderline PD. From this distance it’s hard to tell the difference between a teenager acting out and a potentially long-term problem. In either case, I hope that you get some support for yourself, whether from good friends who will take you out and distract you, or a therapist who can help you make a plan to deal with your daughter’s behavior.
Good luck!</p>
<p>^^ Age has less to do with it than getting a college degree. While staying at home is a possibility for any man or woman, it is not good to find oneself at any age divorced or widowed without any college degree or any professional training. God willing people have at least 50 years after age 21…the minimum they can do if they have the intellectual capacity to do so is get a professional certificate or a college degree BEFORE they jump into marriage. Yes it works for some, but odds are against it. You are very fortunate to have found someone and are still married. I have an acquaintance or two in that position (married young) one where the woman is a dental hygienist and one where the woman is a cosmetologist, but I know far, far more people that the marriage did not last. Again, the boys parents probably have thoughts about a teenage marriage. </p>
<p>We waited until 9 years after we moved in together to have babies. </p>
<p>'Course although we considered ourselves extremely immature (and impetuous moving in together so fast), we were quite mature about not having kids before college was up. </p>
<p>And note that he didn’t leave or die, and he supported me while I was in graduate school. I also supported him when we were living together, as my parents were better off than his parents, so it was pretty easy to stretch my “allowance” to two people.</p>
<p>We married about a month after college ended. The thing is, living together was a great way to keep our parents from nagging us about getting married, because all they could think about is that we “weren’t really serious” because we weren’t engaged and therefore would break up.</p>
<p>My fiance and I started living together at 20. Neither of us cared much about getting married and are only doing so now for the convenience factor. However, we’ve both been pretty much self-supporting (me moreso than him for the first year) since we started college. Neither of us got “allowances” and we both held jobs and paid for ourselves. Had it been a different day and age, we might’ve married already… but cohabitating is just fine with us for a while. </p>
<p>These situations are much different than the OP’s D’s though. She does not seem to be at a mature enough stage to take care of herself, let alone join a legal partnership with another person. </p>
<p>IMO, people should be off allowances and living outside of a parents’ house (and dime!) before they even consider marriage. That’s just me though.</p>
<p>OP, I really want to reach out and hug you and take you for a long walk along a beach or a lake where we can calmly talk about what has happened, stop blaming yourself, stop blaming your daughter, stop wishing you can go back and change things, stop trying to direct what will happen. I don’t think you D is immature, rather I think she was not right for this school regardless of the financial aid situation, or if the school was at one point right for her, she got off to such a miserable start with being physically attacked by the first roommate and her mom and then to see the girl everywhere she went. I don’t think she needs to learn to suck it up and deal with a violent roommate , missing orientation, not making friends and then feeling thrown into a party environment if that is not her thing. As stated by another poster, this was the perfect storm. </p>
<p>It is very disappointing to say the least to plan for your kid’s college experience and then to believe that both you and her have failed. This is not YOUR failure. This is not HER failure. Noone is helped in this situation with her feeling like a failure and feeling pressured to fix it and fast. Plenty of people find out that they made a mistake in their first college choice. A college put on a list in September when they are 17 is not necessarily a place that works when they turn 18. A mistake was made that in a few months a few years it will be a blip. I understand the animosity that existed between the two of you at home last year trying to make the right decision for college and trying to chose a major. In fact, she doesn’t need to have a major. She can be undecided. Some colleges have excellent undecided programs. She doesn’t need to know what she is going to be when she gets out of college. She just needs to hear that she is going to be ok and that you will stand by her and support her as she tries to figure out what kinds of steps will be best for her. If you put too much pressure on her and put a punitive spin on this she might just run off to wherever this BF is and move in or get married too early. </p>
<p>Let her catch her breath, this just happened. Maybe she shouldn’t go back to whatever summer job she had, maybe she needs to explore other kinds of opportunities volunteer or work at something that gives her better perspective. I can’t imagine the enormous feeling of discomfort that this girl must be feeling right now. I think what good that can come out of this is a feeling that her parents support her, love her, and are going to let her make her own choices even if that means making mistakes. That some of the best lessons we learn about ourselves are from making mistakes.</p>
<p>OP, I think that perhaps if not family counseling, you need personal counseling. I have not read your past posts about your daughter, but I did read how upset and depressed you are about how things have turned out and her living at home again. Work on who you can change, which is you. How you react to her is totally in your control. I would get help immediately, you are depressed and reaching out, now find the right person to reach back to you. This is a great thread, but we cannot help beyond sending you suggestions, I think you need more than just suggestions. Hugs and hope you find a way to live peacefully in YOUR home.</p>
<p>Oh boy, if she is planning to get married with or without OP, and has her BF ready to switch schools for her, then she is not only perhaps immature, but very manipulative. Trying to control this young lady is an exercise in futility.</p>
<p>OP, as others have said, you can only control yourself, not her.</p>
<p>“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.”</p>
<p>@lmkh70 It’s very brave of you to post this. You have the nail right on the head, your daughter isn’t quite ready for college yet. Community college might be the best option for her until she gets serious about her future… and not just her future with her boyfriend, but her career future.</p>
<p>I love @blossom 's suggestions. Giving her more responsibilities (like the cell phone bill, etc) will help her to mature. If she doesn’t want to pay it, cut it off. She’ll want to talk to her boyfriend so I’m sure she will. Also, make paying for college her responsibility. I’ve seen a lot of children take advantage of their parents because they felt that it was their parent’s bill and not theirs. When you position it like this is her bill and her future, she will take it more seriously. Have her pay for the college to go with her boyfriend with her summer job money to see how many semesters she wants to enroll. It’s tough love now, but will help her drastically in the future.</p>
<p>My mother told me she wasn’t helping me pay for college and if I didn’t figure out how to go, I would just have to drop out. That was the best thing she told me because I came up with alternative ways to pay and ended up graduating debt-free. Since it was my responsibility, I didn’t rely or put a burden on my family to pay for it.</p>
since we were 19 and 20. After never dating in HS and one previous relationship in college of about a month. Note my parents married at around 30 and fought like cats and dogs. My friend got married at 32 and regrets it every day of her life (complicated, can’t divorce).</p>