Dating and sex at BS from a parental perspective

<p>Yes, deletions…not sure why.</p>

<p>For others who may read this thread, it was resurrected in May 2013. All the subsequent posts pertain to that post. The poster had learned that her 9th grader in BS had become sexually active with steady partner. The student had researched birth control and safe sex, conferred with health teacher, and used appropriate precautions. Either that poster or another also mentioned sexual experimentation amongst girls in the dorm.</p>

<p>The parent had concerns about maturity, child going against firmly stated family expectations, and child’s announcement that kids at BS can pretty much do whatever they want as long as they keep their grades up. Last part did not seem to have been spoken flippantly but more just trying to get through to the parents about the level of freedom at BS.</p>

<p>I am sorry the post was removed because it expressed concerns of many parents and gave sense to the posts that follow. I am guessing that the poster became afraid that they or their child might be identifiable although it seemed very safely worded.</p>

<p>Well, I had a post sandwiched in between the 2 you are referring to & had nothing to do with its disappearance.</p>

<p>Perhaps you mentioned the poster’s user name in your deleted post?</p>

<p>@GMTplus 7 “I hope that “shoe” does not include flip-flop”.</p>

<p>Too funny GMT!</p>

<p>Thanks to 2PrepMom on another thread for leading me to this resource:</p>

<p>[State</a> of the Academy 2013](<a href=“http://www.phillipian.net/sota13/sections/welcome.html]State”>http://www.phillipian.net/sota13/sections/welcome.html)</p>

<p>It’s the State of the Academy 2013 for Andover and gives a snapshot of sexual activity of students along with other factors (including academic). Interesting reading and should puncture any parental balloons about thinking their child is somehow protected in an elite BS. They even had a survey question asking if students had ever had an “illegal” room visit.</p>

<p>Alooknac</p>

<p>Yes, a fair amount of interesting reading in “State of the Academy 2013”, and thanks for placing the link (I am still not able to figure out how to do that reliably)</p>

<p>Self-report to a school newspaper, although anonymous, still has inherent biases of reporting and selection, so I’m not sure I would defend the data as entirely accurate, but it does make for an interesting perspective “from the inside” on what students are saying.</p>

<p>Kudos for the Phillipian for taking this on. I also found the “wellness” section with comments from the mental health staff about self-reported eating disorders and self-harm data well done.</p>

<p>I read the deleted post (and then wandered over to the Hook Up thread - a thread I’ve successfully avoided until now) the night before I picked up K1. Poor kid. When we finally pulled in the driveway, I shouted, Welcome home! He just looked at me with this shell shocked look on his face and said, Thank you mom… for the longest car ride of my life… you’re the best…no, you go in the house…I’ll unload the car.</p>

<p>It’s amazing how much info you can get while traveling in a locked car going 65 mph. Hopefully we can resume eye contact today! :)</p>

<p>One general BS population tidbit I was able to extract was the description of the jaw-dropping moment everyone found out that Snapchat is forever… and the ensuing school-wide panic that news caused. I think we need a Perils of Technology Thread… Stat!</p>

<p>Bum (10 char)</p>

<p>Thanks, Benley, this is useful (although my worries are not specifically about sex).</p>

<p>Sex probably not much different than public</p>

<p>Drugs comparison probably similar but varies based on % boarding, and supervision of kids</p>

<p>I think a lot depends on the supervision of the kids, one school in the middle of nowhere in PA kids are “not missed” if they skip dinner and go off campus while at other schools they are</p>

<p>Can anyone say what the “dorm parents” may be doing to ensure that kids aren’t breaking the drug, alcohol and sex prohibitions? Also, what are the common penalties for these violations?</p>

<p>As a dorm parent for a bunch of years in several places, sure. Know that the rules do vary by school, and widely, with respect to cross-gender visitation. In general, schools have hours when this visiting can happen and rules for it – standard ones would be door propped partly open, light on, no intimate behavior. And dorm parents typically drop in to check in. Can anyone assure the kids aren’t canoodling in the bushes when they’re supposed to be in the library/going to independent music practice/free on a Saturday afternoon? Um, nope, but I remember high school well enough to know parents can’t assure that at home either. When kids violate sexual intimacy rules, most school treat it as a health issue (i.e, they get education) rather than disciplinary, though the rule part (door closed during visiting, for example) will be the subject of punishment (i.e., a period of increased restrictions on freedom).</p>

<p>As for drugs and alcohol, it’s disciplinary, except for the use of sanctuary policies, which many schools have as a one-time way to get help for yourself or a friend without incurring discipline. It’s a safety measure (easy for kids inexperienced with alcohol to mistakenly go too far, for example), and there is follow up in terms of health care and evaluation and counseling. In terms of enforcement, it’s mostly a matter of being present, and doing so in an unpredictable way. I want the kids in my dorm to think they might see me whenever, so there’s no “safe” time when you can be sure you won’t bump into an adult. And we make them engage – no, ok, night, going to bed. They are forced to hang out long enough that we can make sure nothing is weird. Certainly, determined kids will still smoke pot. But I find boarding school kids often confine these activities to time away from campus.</p>

<p>Thanks very much. Does anyone have specific feedback on either Lawrenceville or Deerfield? Also, does anyone have information on “sexting” or acquaintance rape, such as prevalence and discipline? I’m interested in feedback from any school on these topics.</p>

<p>I’m familiar with both schools, one intimately, the other less so (sorry, not comfortable saying which is which). In general, I’d say they follow the rules I outlined. In terms of sexting, I’d say the best policy is education, and schools in general are doing a better job on this. Getting teenagers to understand that the Internet, and thereby digital images, are forever is a tough one, since their concepts of permanence still seem shaky sometimes. But everyone I know in this world is trying to communicate this message to kids, and framing it in terms of what might jeopardize their college chances seems to grab their attention. </p>

<p>In terms of sexual violence, I also think education is the key, though I think that’s hard for parents because understandably no one ever thinks their kid will face that. I haven’t seen many reports in my travels through this universe, but I’ve definitely seen instances where kids were drinking and lines of consent were blurry and kids did things they regretted.
I kind of wish people would be more frank with teens – especially girls (though boys could use to hear the message that a misunderstanding fueled by alcohol could have criminal consequences) – about this topic. It’s a tough societal conversation though. A writer for a national publication recently advocated for college women to avoid making themselves vulnerable to sexual assault by getting falling-down drunk. She was immediately barraged with criticism for blaming the victims. I beg to differ. If there was an epidemic of young men being mugged after getting wasted and walking home, we’d tell them to avoid getting wasted and walking home. I don’t think this is any different, and I don’t think it’s excusing the perpetrator to advise young women to avoid making themselves absurdly vulnerable.</p>

<p>BS kids often socialize in packs, so “alone time” doesn’t seem to happen often without the 2 parties seeking it out. That said, if they’re seeking it, they’ll find the squash court or the music practice room or the science lab, wherever it’s going to be.</p>

<p>The best defense starts with the family. This is where parents need to step up to the plate and discuss these issues with your kids. If you set the expectations and communicate the risk I believe that goes along way to setting the right standard of behavior. The one thing that I think needs to be stressed is the failure rate of commonly used birth control. The failure rate is significantly higher among younger inexperienced teenagers. And then there is the risk of sexually transmitted diseases which are on the rise. In our house, all of the facts are on the table, the expectation is set and the rest is up to my young adults to make their decisions. They do know that they will take responsibility for their actions and we will be there if they need us. If they decide to enter into an intimate relationship, there are many factors that need to be considered and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. I urge all parents to initiate this conversation before your kids hear it from someone else. The best place to do it is on a long car ride with just the two of you in the car.</p>

<p>I agree that you provide the information and set expectations with your kids on all of these risky behaviors; do not rely on the schools to do so. If you are the type of parent who is concerned about what happens out of your sight/home, you many not be comfortable with BS. You will NOT be able to control any of these activities on your child’s campus (any more than you can control it anywhere), and all of the behaviors DO occur anywhere teenagers are, BS is no exception. If you decide to allow your child to board, you obviously trust your child and need to let these concerns go. None of these schools is a den of iniquity nor do I believe any one is more or less safe/dangerous. Know that the culture of your child’s school does not foster risky behavior, but accept that risky teenage behaviors absolutely do occur. Each school clearly spells out its rules, values, and community expectations. Supposedly, you’ve chosen to apply only to schools where this value package meets your approval. IMO, spending any time worrying about dating, sex, and drugs at BS is time wasted.</p>