@Proudpatriot Cancer is a crisis, bipolar is a crisis, suicidal, both parents dying. I don’t put anxiety in that category. I’ve known teens who suffer from debilitating anxiety and they are far more proactive than letting it doom a semester or get them expelled from college. Do you think a job will let her bomb a few projects, lose a few accounts and then claim it was anxiety? She’ll be sacked. Period.
I think way too many kids and parents are using anxiety as a catch-all to excuse kids who aren’t college ready material. It’s trendy to blame everything in high school on adhd add and in college it’s anxiety/depression.
University administration and faculty may speak with parents with the student’s consent. There are waivers that students may sign to allow this, or the student can sit in the room with the parent and the university administrator.
@jd65432 -I’m so sorry that you can’t see the crisis in this student’s situation. Clearly she is in crisis. She doesn’t have to be in permanent crisis if she gets the support she needs going forward. Yes older adults do lose jobs due to anxiety. That’s exactly why she needs support right now. She needs to learn to recognize and manage her anxiety.
I have two adult children. One is a college graduate, the other is a 20 year old junior. I let them manage their own issues. If they need my guidance I offer it but they have to ask. I am not a helicopter parent. When my 20 year old moved into his apartment I left the whole thing up to him. All we did was pay.
I say this so that you know I am not offering my comments from a helicopter parent perspective. I am begging you to stop your unproductive comments to the OP. You are entitled to your opinion but right now it is not helpful to the OP. Maybe the daughter isn’t ready for college but right now she is in crisis and that is more important than college.
jd - I happen to agree with you that many parents and kids are using “anxiety” and ADHD as a crutch, which mitigates it’s impact on those who truly suffer. Used to drive my D crazy at college when perfectly fine fellow students always managed to get extra time on exams because of “test anxiety.” Who doesn’t have test anxiety? My D had severe health issues that would have surely qualified her for more time on tests, at the very least. But she refused to take advantage of that, as our family is of the “work through it and take the hand that you’re dealt” path, no excuses.
HOWEVER, I do in fact work for a college, and I do deal with students who suffer (or at times claim they suffer) from anxiety and are medicated and in therapy. For the most part, you’re right, I do NOT want parents meddling about every detail of their kids lives on campus, tests, grades, etc.
BUT - and this a huge BUT - that is most definitely not the case in every situation, and in those more extreme examples, where there is a complete about face in the student’s behavior, activity, grades, socialization, we for sure do want the families to be involved in coming up with a solution. As involved as necessary. There are suicide attempts on campuses that culminate, in many instances, after a student tries without family intervention to handle his/her own problems. When they can’t, they feel as if they have let their family down, and see no other solution. YES, family should be involved. We are in the business of students and making sure they not only graduate from our college but do so happy and having had a good experience.
The OP’s family tried at first to let her be independent and figure it out. That’s what nearly all of us would do - to your point about becoming independent, self-reliant individuals. A myriad of missteps by both the daughter and the college, and she ended up here, with mom asking for help. Now, as I stated earlier, from what OP said in the facts of this situation, I would have advised stepping back from college for awhile - no rush, get healthy. But I also am not going to slam my door in this girl and her dad’s face when they show up on campus.
@dixiedandy - my heart goes out to you as your family navigates through this tough time! I’m confident that, as your daughter comes out the other side of this crisis, she will emerge with more confidence and greater resilience. How fortunate for her that you and her father are walking with her on this difficult journey!
50% of college students fail out before completing a degree. It’s not a crisis and it’s largely predictable. The crisis is too many students are going off to college (blowing tens of thousands of their family’s money) without earning it and proving they’re mentally mature and motivated enough to succeed on their own. This OP’s child did not handle it. It’s absurd that the OP wants to let her continue in “just one course.” She failed out. You don’t throw more good money on a futile pursuit.
10 years ago if you didn’t go to class because you were too lazy to get out of bed or read the assignment material or wanted to play video games all day = unmotivated slacker.
Today = do all of those and it’s a “crisis”, you suffer from anxiety/depression, a doctor who gets vacations for prescribing pills puts you Xanax and Zoloft and now profs have to give extra time for essays and incompletes to take finals after winter break.
Too many kids are propped up by parents in hs with inflated grades and low internal motivation. They go off to college—because everyone can get into college—and we act surprised when half fail out.
@jd65432 --I am a college professor, and have been a college administrator. Besides being unnecessarily harsh and judgmental, much of what you are saying is just plain wrong, and seems to be based on hearsay (“I know someone who says…”) not on actual knowledge.
@dixiedandy --sending hugs; you sound like great parents. We had a somewhat similar situation; S ended up graduating from the same college he started from ten years after he started, and is now happy, independent, with a great professional job which was not hurt by the six year gap or the two (nonconsecutive) torpedoed semesters. He ended up with a good GPA, even with a few D’s and F’s. it was a long haul, and maybe we should have been more proactive. But we did step in at times to advise and support, including emails with advisor, and in fact she said that of course it was fine and appropriate in such a situation. Sometimes it seemed like we just needed to accept that he would never go back, but when he did, he did so with enthusiasm and accomplishment.
So keep doing what you’re doing and ignore the naysayer. Wishing all good things for you and your daughter.
OP, please don’t pay any attention to @jd65432. He or she is clueless.
My main advice, having dealt with three kids with mental illness, is to TAKE IT SLOW. Life is not a race. I’ve shared this before on CC, but the best advice I received a few years back is, “You want to keep the ball in play.” And yes, that was a slap in the face, but suicide prevention IS something you need to consider.
If I had the last six years to do over, I would have moved slower with my oldest son. Now my youngest, the one with anxiety, is going off to college. I hope we do better with her.
And yes, anxiety can be debilitating. My daughter ended up in the ER in February, she had such a severe panic attack.
The first semester “success” means nothing. Most students take an joke seminar and two courses they can snooze through because they’ve seen the material in hs e.g. writing & poly sci 100. When college becomes real and they have to take courses that are both harder and boring requirements is when 50% sink.
OP, please, please do NOT listen to the harsh words of @jd65432. I’ve been around colleges for the last 30 years. I have never seen anything like what jd posts. I certainly wouldn’t want to be a student or faculty member at any such institution as jd describes.
Yes, it is true that FERPA law prohibits disclosure of education information when a student is over 18. However, there can be a waiver of FERPA, just like you can waive HIPAA.
Academic advising and office of disability services are used to parental involvement. Yes, they get frustrated by helicopter parents, but also recognize that not all kids mature at the same level and some need gentle assistance. Parents who are active participants in helping their kids progress to independence are always welcome.
There is a huge difference between an unmotivated kid and a kid who is struggling with a chemical imbalance. You do what is necessary to help your child and ignore haters.
@oldmom4896 I’m not saying she should never go back but the OP wants her in school now “just one course” when the school has kicked her out. That is foolish. The OP has also attempted to shift blame to the school. And of course I’m “harsh” but how many lies has the daughter told? In my experience you can not trust someone with anxiety who has just failed out. Call it saving face, but they are often pathological.
The one course is likely to protect social phobia of not being a college student. Parents and student get to pretend the daughter hasn’t failed out. It’s a mistake to reward her current conduct by keeping up a charade.
@jd65432, the semester i flunked out (second semester), I got 4 Fs. The semester I went back, after a one-semester break and a couple of community college classes, I got 4 As. All this without parental intervention; and the Fs stayed on my transcript. it was ancient times for sure.
@jd65432 : Your constant stream of completely wrong statements about law and other things is annoying enough, and now you are making things up about the OP. Where do you get that the OP’s daughter has told any lies? Lots of kids who are failing out of college for any number of reasons lie about it, but that didn’t figure in the OP’s story at all.
I get it. You’re a tough guy who knows everything better than anyone. Everyone else is weak and deserves contempt. Why don’t you go build a big wall somewhere and get Mexico to pay for it?
Kids with anxiety who have failed out aren’t the most honest. The daughter and the mom have attempted to shift some responsibility to the college. Doesn’t sound like the most mature student to me. Then you have daughter who clearly sees mom as the enabler and wants her to pay for ANOTHER course this fall. Call it intuition the daughter may be lying about a few things.
In a major U nobody really cares if your snowflake fails out. Outside of elites, 10-90% fail out. Nobody is risking their career to bring in the mom of a 20 year old into the fold. And only on CC is signing a waiver to have a helicopter parent present in meetings a casual occurrence.
@dixiedandy Hang in there. We are dealing with the same thing with my oldest. Super high ACT score and great AP test scores. First semester of college was awful, convinced college to keep her in her honors program and had her medicine for anxiety/depression re-evaluated and switched. Second semester was much better. Summer course at community college big success. Okay fall, not great, but okay. Awful winter sophomore semester. Felt like a failure as a parent…
I encourage you to have your daughter assessed for other mental health issues. It took all these struggles combined to convince my oldest D to have further testing done. We now have a diagnosis of a more serious mental health issue as well as ADHD combination disorder and a non-verbal learning disability. For years we thought she had just depression/anxiety. We now need to work with her university for a medical withdrawal.
As a family we are attempting to regroup and love and support her while new medications are tried along with additional therapy. The combinations of disorders were hidden by her intelligence and strong verbal abilities. High school is set up so that large tasks are broken down into manageable chunks - not so in college. We are having her take a break and get her mental health back in order before we move forward with college or a career.
It is good that your daughter is reaching out for help.