<p>Just go out to Happy Valley and get her!</p>
<p>I too dated “below” me during my years in college. I had one BF who owned a paint store… never went to college, never aspired to do much with his life. Nice guy, but in-over-his-head. The business died, he lost money, and ended up as a full time painter. I dated him for quite some time, in part because I was going through so many changes in my life and he was always there to support me. I may even have settled down with him, except that it was never meant to be.</p>
<p>I was struck by your post. "we sent d off to her dream school far away in August and she dates the dishwasher" Did you think that the purpose of going off to college was to “find” a husband? Yikes! Maybe your d needed someone unrelated to the school as a break from her classes, which your earlier post about her struggles indicated.</p>
<p>Stats, my DH agrees with you. He refuses to eat from the same plate I use for my cat. What’s with that?</p>
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<p>I think I understand what you meant, I never dated down either. The whole thing never appealed to me. I only dated smart and intelligent guys who can also do dishwashing. My husband claims doing the dishes relaxes him while he thinks of intellectual stuff. I also never dated anyone who was not a handyman, they never appealed to me either. There’s got to be a balance.
However, if your daugher’s date is in a temporary job that that is ok. I did some menial work while I was younger, D1 did too in her teens but it’s not part of her long term career plan.</p>
<p>I enjoyed many of funny posts. But I do believe there is a merit of marrying someone who is “equal” of you - intelligence, values, education, and sometimes family background. I think it is hard when you marry up or marry down. In many Asian cultures, it is still common to have arranged marriage, and many of those marriages have lasted longer than marriages of passion.</p>
<p>When people with similar background ten to have similar values when it comes to money (biggest issue in marriage), children, politics, religion…</p>
<p>H and I met in college, but we came from different social/economic background. The first few years of our marriage, we had very different views on how to spend money (he thought it was normal to shop at Armani’s, and I thought Macy’s was upscale). It was a very big source of disagreement between us initially. His parents always made me feel uncomfortable because they were so formal. Luckily, we had similar views on children, education, and many of our social values.</p>
<p>This reminds me of my D who is 19 ,at an Ivy and devoted to a guy in Sweden . When first reading this , I thought it could be a great script for a movie ! I would be very upset if I were you . I think you have to grit your teeth and see what happens . Perhaps he reminds her of someone , or she can relax with him because he isn’t academically threatening . Have you asked her what she finds appealing about him ? Good luck .</p>
<p>I interrupt this thread to thank all of you for the entertainment. DH is watching golf and I was getting bored. Now back to your regularly scheduled elitist diatribe…</p>
<p>Oops. re: post 63, I meant to say that of course our dishes go in the dishwasher before anyone uses them.</p>
<p>What does “equal” mean to you all? If you went to an ivy, does your spouse have to as well? These are important to me (thanks to oldfort): intelligence, values, and education. I think it’s probably good to work in some non-career job when you’re young, but those kind of jobs can get pretty boring and quite dissatisfying before long.</p>
<p>Lets see… if everyone marries ‘equal’ or ‘up,’ then we’d all end up like the Lake Wobegon kids who are all above average…</p>
<p>Limabeans, I think it’s yet more subtle than that. If you went HYP, then I don’t think you’d want to marry down to a Cornell, for example, esp someone who attended the Ag school.</p>
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<p>This is just stupid. </p>
<p>How many people here are friends with people of their equals? Kind of awkward when you suggest “lets go out to dinner,” and your friend says “I need that money to pay rent,” or if your friend is to suggest, "why don’t we do a girl’s weekend in Paris, " and you don’t even have a passport.</p>
<p>RE: post 69
Great…now you’re ripping on farmers. Remember that at the next meal. /jk/</p>
<p>How many people here are friends with people of their equals</p>
<p>So equals/peers is just about income?</p>
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<p>I’ve seen both sides of the first question and my friends and I managed to easily work around that issue by doing the following: wealthier friend gently treats while helping to save face by asking the less wealthier friend to return the favor at some later point…and doesn’t give much of a fig of that ever happens as that’s besides the point of a genuine friendship. Moreover, the compensations from having such friendships is such that whether someone pays back for a previous treat or not is besides the point. In college…I was the “less wealthier friend”. </p>
<p>Nowadays…I’m often the wealthier friend who treats the less wealthier friends who are hard up…including some who treated me back when we were in college. Then again…I personally believe that judging someone negatively due to their lack of wealth is just plain stupid and a commentary on the judger’s negative character and need to identify with those more elite than themselves by kicking those perceived to be lower than them on the social ladder. </p>
<p>As for the second, I’d regard that more as a commentary on the obliviousness of the person suggesting the Paris trip…especially considering most Americans tend not to have passports…even those who could afford to travel. Recalled reading that only around 15-20% of all Americans possess a passport somewhere. </p>
<p>Personally, I’d be much more concerned if the SO is abusive, narrow-minded, anti-intellectual, or feels the need to judge others on their lack of materialistic wealth.</p>
<p>Why does this girl go to an expensive far away school and work as a dish washer (or some restaurant job)? Doesn’t it make more sense for her to go to a local inexpensive school and not work?</p>
<p>“we sent d off to her dream school far away in August and she dates the dishwasher” - Perhaps part of the concern is that the d seems more interested in the dating (with anybody) than the expensive classes.</p>
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<p>This is is precise it. What one may consider to be norm, others may consider to be strange. We tend to gravitate toward people who may have the same view on what is norm. I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t think it is perfectly normal to travel overseas, whether it is for pleasure or business. Many people I know do go to London/Paris/LAX for a long weekend, the question is more about do you go coach or first. </p>
<p>I would say many college students do have a passport, at least by the time they graduate, whether it is for study abroad or for Cancun spring break. But of course, that’s not a large percentage of population either. Again, once they graduate, they would associate with each other more because they would have more in common.</p>
<p>Yes, I do treat when I feel the other couldn’t really afford something, I do it especially when it’s family. But it could also be insulting to the person for me to assume he/she couldn’t afford it, sometimes “no good deed goes unpunished.”</p>
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<p>Of course it means something, he is not necessarily a bum but it makes it seem rather likely.</p>
<p>The genetic issue is a bigger longterm problem, how is the next generation is going to get into even a lesser Ivy with his genes holding them back?</p>
<p>“Limabeans, I think it’s yet more subtle than that. If you went HYP, then I don’t think you’d want to marry down to a Cornell, for example, esp someone who attended the Ag school.”</p>
<p>LOL!</p>
<p>I’d like to get to what I think could be the real fear of the OP. Is the real problem that the OP fears that OP’s D will need to support herself and her husband if one plays the dating out to the point that that they do marry? That the husband would not be able to earn enough to pay the bills? That this daughter might be setting herself up for a lifetime of paying this man’s “meal ticket”, and that he is the one marrying the meal ticket for life. I think that is the real fear. </p>
<p>I know quite a few professionals (meaning people with UG degrees and various professional degrees) who also do NOT earn much money (meaning that they don’t, or they barely earn a basic living wage). Just because they dress in a button down shirt and put on a tie and have letters after their name does not mean that they are capable of supporting themselves and/or family! Yes, the odds of making a decent standard of living are far better if one has degree than if one does not have a degree, but there are plenty of people who never attended college that earn more money than some people who went onto graduate or professional school, and they can be quite interesting people too.</p>
<p>No, the bum isn’t the one in the kitchen making an honest living washing the dishes. The bum is the entitled teenager whose parents (and/or the taxpayers, and/or the trustees of the college) are paying a lot of money to send to an EXPENSIVE private school and is spending all his/her time facebooking, socializing, and drinking.</p>