<p>Are there young neighbors or nephews/nieces/cousins who enjoy spending time with your D? Put her in a leadership role for a change- teaching someone to swim, bake cookies, anything non-intellectual. Your D is more than her good grades, and surrounding her with people who love her and value her for something other than academics can be very confidence building.</p>
<p>One of my kids had a terrible stretch in middle school and early in HS, sounds a lot like your D. We emphasized positive experiences which had nothing to do with school- arts and crafts, the younger cousins who were always adoring and fun and non-judgmental, non-competitive sports (this one was not an athlete! so things like swimming for fun, sailing lessons from our town, etc.), volunteering at a local food bank which attracted kids from neighboring towns (i.e. not the same crowd as school), a stint reading textbooks for an organization which makes CD’s for the blind, etc.</p>
<p>Her “social group” by the end of HS was not what you might have expected which was perfectly fine. Nice kids- all going off to a wide variety of colleges (where everyone reinvented themselves). </p>
<p>Take the focus off of school. Surely your D has some interest (doesn’t need to be chess club or something school related) where she can spend some relaxing downtime and get her self-esteem recharged???</p>
<p>So many things to try, but I have to agree that she needs an activity outside of school. Jobs are great. In addition to meeting and interacting with people she won’t go to school with, there’s the added bonus of money (and spending it!).</p>
<p>Love whoever said church group. You don’t have to be members of the church or anything. Find out with church has the most active group and just show up. These kinds of groups are very accepting and the youth directors work hard to see that everyone is included. Call the youth director in advance if you want to make extra sure someone is working behind the scenes to make your d feel included. Only thing is, she has to be sure to give it more than one or two visits. Every new situation is uncomfortable at first.</p>
<p>I’m not going to suggest your daughter is suffering from normal teenage angst, depression, anxiety, or anything else. BUT, your d needs to learn how to make friends with the people she’s with. If the usual method of getting her involved doesn’t work, set up some appointments with a therapist. Lots of people need a little help working through some challenge. As parents, we often aren’t very good at navigating our child’s social world (and chances are, the kid doesn’t want to listen to us anyway!). Let somebody else make the suggestions. The kid might just be willing to try the suggestions of a “professional.” And then, if there is something more sinister bubbling, the therapist should catch it. </p>
<p>My oldest wasn’t happy with her social life in high school. She had one, but a lot of times I think it was more stressful than fun. To this day, she doesn’t even like to go back into the building to attend any of younger d’s events. It was that awful for her, I guess. I know what you’re feeling for your d, and I know how painful it is. I also know she might resist your suggestions. You have to make her try some things. It’s not going to magically get better on its own. And relocating her probably won’t fix anything unless other people really are the problem.</p>
<p>My very smart quiet daughter did not have friends in HS (I would categorize them all as acquaintances). She had no social life and spent all her spare time studying and reading (avid reader). </p>
<p>However, she did find a unique volunteering experience with like minded adults - she volunteered at a historic site for events and summer camps. I think it was a great thing for her for many reasons. It was something she could claim as her own - no other kid did this and no other person she knew was involved in this. She developed relationships with adults who understood her and had very similar interests to her (they probably had been just like her as teens). It forced her to be more outgoing (she was in charge of kids and helping adults so she could not be quiet). I think it also made her feel more normal since these nice adults accepted, liked, and were like her. </p>
<p>Did it change her world dramatically - probably not - her day to day High School life was the same - but it was a great outlet for her and provided a positive perspective during these years. </p>
<p>I will say fast-forwarding to college - she has made some great friends - with similar interests and are much more than the “acquaintances” she had in HS and before. She frequently compares the kids she hangs out with at college to those she knew in HS and is so happy to have found these friends.</p>
<p>Kiddie brings up a good point. Experiences with mixed age groups can be a great outlet for kids like this without the social competition that happens with peer groups.</p>
<p>“She is frustrated by the “busy work” given in each class and the hours of homework that is required by each teacher. Her life consists of school - homework - bed - repeat.”</p>
<p>For a freshman or sophomore this concerns me quite a bit. Her classes in the next two years will certainly be harder. She will also be working on college admissions. How will she handle that if she is already spending all her time on homework? </p>
<p>Are the classes too easy for her but just tons of busywork? If that’s the case, then maybe she needs to look at her work and study habits. My perfectionist daughter is doing a class with a lot of busywork, she doesn’t like or care about the class and it’s painful to me to see how much time she pours into it, which could have been spent on things that are meaningful to her, simply because she hasn’t learned to accept “good enough” from herself. “Just get it done fast and it’s ok if it’s not your best possible work” is a really important lesson some kids need to learn. Make sure she has time to get out and get some exercise and to do something fun, not just study all the time. </p>
<p>Regarding the social issues, if she can find community-based activities that may help, but I’d try joining high school activities that tend to attract the more academically-minded students. Maybe the cliques of jocks in her former sports team didn’t welcome her, but what about the academic team or the math club? Literary magazine? School newspaper? Debate? Look at everything that’s available and just pick a few to try. She doesn’t need to be in the clique of “popular” kids. There are plenty of other potential friends for her.</p>
<p>I second Mini’s suggestion about leaving high school for dual enrollment at a college. My youngest started at a highschool for 9th grade. After one semester he had had enough. There was way too much busy work and unnecessary homework that encompassed his free time. And the social environment at school did not fit him either. The constant drama of hookups and breakups and the importance of social media held no interest for him. He had outside interests (city basketball league and volunteering with a commnity group) but that did not make up for the “wasteland” that he considered high school to be.</p>
<p>After winter break he started at our community college as a full time dual enrollment student. He takes all of his classes there. He’s a sophomore there now and very happy. The classes move faster and there is no busywork or handholding. He has way more freedom over course selection, along with a wider variety of courses to choose from. No one cares about who is dating whom or what clothes they are wearing, etc. As an added bonus, it’s free except for books.</p>
<p>It wouldn’t work for everyone but maybe worth a try for yours.</p>
<p>Both of my daughters find it so much easier to be friends with boys. They can be their nerdy, geeky selves without judgement; there just seems to be less drama hanging with boys. My only fear is that my youngest daughter will get sucked into the video game craze, but I am trying to view that as a social outlet as she plays online with friends.</p>
<p>Having said all that, my 15 year old son was able to convince us that he should drop out of school. We regret letting him suffer all those years when we knew all along that traditional school was not a good fit. Thankfully, everything has turned out well, but it was very difficult to take that leap. As others have suggested, maybe traditional school is not for her.</p>
<p>Partyof4, I can relate to what you and your daughter are going through. I wish you the best as you navigate this rough period.</p>
<p>Here’s another thought. I think a lot of kids are struggling to complete their homework because they are trying to multitask. And you say Facebook is making her feel excluded. Just say no to it. My kids don’t even have accounts. Senior has always been shy and very studious but she gradually came out of her shell in high school, and found welcoming communities of like-minded kids in band, math club, academic team, and even track. She will never be class president but she has a best friend who is at our house often enough that I’ve reserved a toothbrush for her and a circle of other friends, mostly from these activities, who she only occasionally sees outside of school and EC’s, but she enjoys regularly eating lunch or doing activities with them.</p>
<p>Forget cliques–they’re cliques for a reason.<br>
Busy work is a true soul sucker. </p>
<p>Any way to find out what’s ahead teacher-wise and teaching style in the next couple years?
The good teachers (especially true for juniors and seniors) forgo “daily busy work” for fewer grades–less tests but more important for grades. It’s the way college works. </p>
<p>See if you can scout out which teachers are the best and make sure your daughter lands in those classes</p>
<p>EC’s I would suggest would be journalism or yearbook. It’s like being on an instant team and most players are beginners. How fun it is depends again on who is running the show. You work individually but all for a common goal.
Band is good too–but most kids started in middle school with instruments. Chorus is good. </p>
<p>I don’t know what’s available at your school–they’ve gotten rid of so much PE that most kids won’t ever know what they’re really good at. Turns out (totally non-athletic me) I was a superstar at archery. And pretty good at lacrosse . Both brought to the school by a brand new PE teacher one year. The idea at the time was to run through a ton of different sports in short spurts to expose kids to different things. </p>
<p>You said your D did soccer I think and didn’t want to do it anymore
If I was starting now at her age, I’d look towards tennis or golf lessons–something that will carry you through life. Hard to dig up enough people to play soccer at 50. But it’s great to have the background to be able to play a sport (or converse at least)–most importantly you don’t have to be a superstar or best on a team for a chance to play socially.</p>
<p>Here’s another option that will probably not be popular…</p>
<p>How about homeschooling her? Say good-bye to the busy work and drama of traditional schools. Let your d explore the areas she wants to explore. She could probably do the traditional subjects very well on her own or use the community college dual credit program for a couple subject she needs a more traditional approach for. My d did 21 credits via cc before graduation. She did them all through online classes. I think she excels when she can have time to herself (agreeing with a previous post about introverts). She is in college now and doing well (straight a’s this past semester). </p>
<p>It was mentioned above that social interaction doesn’t mean that you have to be with people of just your age. Just because people are of the same age doesn’t mean they can relate to one another or help one another to grow. I definitely agree that groups with older students or adults would help her to see that there’s life beyond the walls of the institution we call “high school”. </p>
<p>We’re not all meant to travel the same road to success and happiness. Even those destinations are different for everyone. I hope you find what she needs to thrive.</p>
<p>Or like Hunt said–make a B–it’s not going to kill anybody.</p>
<p>Or better yet–get out the old calculator (she’s good at math) and figure out what the least acceptable grade is for different components of the grade.
Example: Teach says “daily work is worth 10 percent of grade (but 60 percent of the work), quizzes 15 percent (but 20 percent of the work)and major exams 75 percent” (but 20 percent of the work). No problem–study like crazy for major exams, do good on quizzes and wishy-wash over daily stuff. It’s important to learn to set priorities (and one of them is you.)
"The perfect is the enemy of the good ".</p>
<p>What about switching high schools? Is there an all-girl private or Catholic school nearby? Sounds like she would thrive in that environment. We have a family friend who sounds like your D. She transferred to an academic all-girls school for high school and is now headed to WashU to study engineering!</p>
<p>At least she is talking to you. I take it as a good sign that she can articulate her problem. </p>
<p>I agree it is time to brainstorm with her about non school activities she could try. She needs something to look forward to. I can offer a laundry list of things to think about: church, sports whether in or out of school, volunteering, music, art. Does she like animals? She could volunteer at the Humane Society. Does she like sports even if she think s she isn’t that good at them? Someone suggested fencing, but she could also run with a mixed age group, or swim with a non school group or do yoga with adults. She could take up an instrument. She could enroll in an adult arts class, maybe one about movies or about famous paintings. The goal would be to get her out thinking about new things and being with new people.</p>
<p>Like the homeschool, boarding school. All girls school? Golf is a great sport for nerdy girls. I have one - not a superstar in the classroom but kinda goofy. She also gets the surprise from kids when she busts an A in math. She was the most uncoordinated basketball player ever - just not good at it and then came golf.</p>
<p>She also had friends from church at school so a premade clique of her own, all kids that are not traditionally popular (New Years eve party at a girl named clove house, love it). Also made her do basketball for one more year (so somewhat friends with those girls still). She’s always had an easy time socially though.</p>
<p>Also you should pick a family volunteer opportunity and do it with her. Food bank? If you lived in Detroit you could go with us Sunday to feed the homeless in Detroit. We are baking brownies and taking them. Just all in hope my kid finds a passion. We also have a very active youth department at church.</p>
<p>Bit of advice to your D–it is tough to be labeled “the smart one”–so own it. You aren’t getting dumber. Your time and group (some a lot smarter–there always are!) will show up. Keep the faith.
Right now–be nice to others as always and much kinder to yourself. Think of ways to cut the work load you feel burdened by. You can’t change the system or teachers by yourself but you can figure how to work with it so it’s no longer troubling. And remember–“this too shall pass”. Not only bad things pass but good also–so try new stuff. </p>
<p>The sun will still come up in the morning even if something little slips by. The stars still shine at night no matter what you do. Help those who you are able to help with the gifts you have. And explore something totally new just for fun and just for you.</p>
<p>Some really good advice already. I reread it before posting again. </p>
<p>Another positive spin to put on her existential crisis besides that she is sharing it with you: you can let her know that not all people are happy all the time. Real life isn’t like TV, let alone the Facebook posts of her peers. It isn’t like a thirty minute sitcom in which everyone has friends and everything is great. Real life has periods in which you are very very happy, and periods in which you are…meh…if not unhappy. You can help her learn how to deal with the meh parts of life. </p>
<p>I don’t mean to get her to change herself. She should continue to be smart and hardworking. She should even stay quiet if that is her nature. But she can learn how to pull herself out of the doldrums. She has already recognized that she isn’t satisfied with her life. Now what? What can she do differently? Lots of good suggestions have been offered about what a girl like her could do to spice up her life. </p>
<p>I can remember being a teenager and a young adult and can remember how sometimes everything was great----great friends, great stimulation, goals being met—and there were times when I was frustrated and felt like nothing much was happening. I can remember wanting a boyfriend or wanting friends to hang out with. The way to make it happen wasn’t by sitting at home. It wasn’t necessarily by looking for friends per se, but by getting out and trying something new.</p>
<p>Seconding the volunteering outside the school or finding something like yearbook or newspaper inside it. </p>
<p>Ask her, as someone above likely said, “what do you want your life to look like?” and “what would you do as an EC if everyone were starting fresh and didn’t know anyone?”</p>
<p>Thirding, axing perfectionism. This is something I work on with my kid all the time—setting maximum time limits on projects, etc., if need be.</p>
<p>Lots of good ideas. I’d focus back on her. Listen, suggest, love her for who she is. Don’t try to make her someone she is not. Ask her to do some writing of what she would like in her life. Maybe through some self-reflection via writing just for her eyes, she will come to some conclusions. Ask her to take small steps at first. If she tries to make too big a leap out of her comfort zone, it could backfire. Set a couple of goals together. Talk, reflect, and laugh. That is so important. She will be fine. A smart kid being bored and labeled in school is all too familiar. Work needs to be meaningful, help her find more meaningful school work. Remember, this is her journey and she needs your support. Don’t do and decide for her, do it as a family - together.</p>
<p>If she has any interest in animals, I would recommend volunteering at an animal shelter. Cats and dogs are wonderful to be around, and don’t care if the person is shy or not very social. It may be a great way for her to break the ice a bit and get to know some other people at the same time.</p>