<p>Can a kid love NYU to death and "really like" Harvard?
Yes, of course this can happen and it's great when it does. But whether you speak of "reach/match/safety" (which, by the way, is a phrase much beloved of GCs and parents on this forum, but not one that kids themselves always use) or "love to death/love/really like," there are times when the schools that a child genuinely loves most--and not just because he's chasing after status--turn out to be out of reach; and he doesn't "really like" the other schools nearly so much. </p>
<p>Obviously, life's like that sometimes and people need to move on. But I don't necessarily blame a child whose dream has been denied for feeling upset about it for a while.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>You might want to change your screen name. Rice isn't a big school and your name appears to be very person specific? I am sure your D would not want to hear about this thread next fall. Keep in mind that a number of kids lurk on the parent's forums.</p></li>
<li><p>Another way to think about her crestfalleness is to think of it in philisophical terms. Some philosophers believe that humans can move to higher and higher levels of conciousness. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>However, in order to move to the next level, the previous level must come tumbling down. Since the previous level encompasses a comfortable view of the way the world works; ie "I am a brilliant high school student and I might be going to Yale!", the destruction of that view and the transition to the next view--however higher ; ie "I am happy at Rice! I am a happy college student! I am lucky!"--can be messy. It can feel like a kind of mental nausea, so said Sartre.</p>
<p>This kind of nausea cannot be helped by coddling or volunteering or any other outside influence. </p>
<ol>
<li> A story. A law student I know graduated from an elite private high school with good grades and good SAT scores and good ECs. She applied to 12 schools. The 12th school, her least favorite, sent an early acceptance. She told her mother, "If I have to go to THIS school, I am not going!"</li>
</ol>
<p>This was before 11 other rejections/waitlists arrived.</p>
<p>She went to the 12th pick. She wasn't all that happy the first year. In fact, she didn't find her "people" until Junior Year Abroad. She graduated and got an amazing govt job that took her to all the best US cities every few weeks. She decided to go to Law SChool, applied to three, was accepted by one and is very happy and successful there. </p>
<p>I don't remember how her mom, who is my mentor, got her through it. I think it was a combination of "Yes operator, I will accept that collect call even though I've already had a dozen others this week" and "Atta girl!" and "This too shall pass."</p>
<p>
[quote]
It would help to validate her need to do that-- legitimize it, don't pathologize it. By that I mean support her need to grieve for a little while. She shouldn't feel badly about feeling badly.
[/quote]
[quote]
Acknowledging and validating a person's feelings without judgement is one of the most powerful tools in helping them move on
[/quote]
[quote]
I don't think being supportive and acknowledging disappointment means that you're enabling a spoiled brat.
[/quote]
[quote]
validating feelings makes one move on, not denying them
[/quote]
Lizschup, blossom, Heidi, mominsearch-
Looks like we are all in agreement here. Can I come for coffee and muffins too?? I'll bring the bagels.
OP-- You might want to contact the campus store at Rice before they close for the year and surprise your d. with a few tshirts, shorts, a sun visor, car decal, keyring or what have you. I'd call them, as their selection is much broader than this, but here's a link to their 2005 catalog <a href="http://cohesion.rice.edu/campusservices/campusstore/catalog/index.htm--%5B/url%5D">http://cohesion.rice.edu/campusservices/campusstore/catalog/index.htm--</a> Having some things from Rice shuld help her begin to connect. Hang in there- And as we are all saying, support your daughter, alllow her to process her disappointment, but help her turn the corner. You won't have too many more opportunities to "mother" her.</p>
<p>addendum-
Correction-
The store may not close for the summer, but I'd be surprised if they didn't curtail their hours somewhat. There will still be the grad students on campus and the undergrads doing research with faculty.</p>
<p>I am also feeling the twinge of not feeling so needed by my increasingly-independent son. He sent photos of the houlse he'll be living in next year. He did let us look over the lease before they signed it. Nice to know we are still helpful in some respects.</p>
<p>alu-
Earl grey or a spiced tea of some kind. And don't forget the walnut raisin cream cheese for the bagels. Then you are DEFINITELY invited.</p>
<p>Glad people have lightened up.. Sorry if I am being sexist (as I am) but some of the initial "buck up" comments seem to have been made by the male species, and many reflected that they heard this from dads, granddads, etc. Hey-- this weekend is mothers day, and for many it will be the last one with their graduating seniors at home. I think a's mom is perfectly justified in her feelings and desire to console her d. Who amongst us wants to see our kids struggling. Really...</p>
<p>I am all for addressing OP's daughters feelings. They aren't trite or trivial to her. I do think however, that they are temporary, and after graduation, when everyone stops focusing on the "where are you gong to college" stuff, a new chapter will begin for her. I forget who asked this a few pages back in this thread, but the term is reactive depression, when it occurs. I think, however, that this is less likely that-- more likely a grieving process for the disappointment, with it being aggravated by the fact that it is still pretty fresh in everyones' mind and a big topic of conversation for many. That will change.</p>
<p>I'll bring the heavy duty sumatra coffee. Need that jolt o' caffeine...</p>
<p>My D too had the disappointment, and it is very easy to say just get on with it, but teenage girls are emotional, and what I found worked was to let my D work through it on her own, and talk when she came to me. When I initiated a conversation it only made things worse. She started talking a bit later, when she was ready to do so. It is only now that she is finally starting to feel comfortable with her decision, and knows things will work out. She, too, had wonderful options but they weren't her "dream." Now, it would appear that her dream is changing. This will happen with your DD too. Mine also does this self-fulfilling prophesy stuff. (Are you sure they weren't cloned?) But they will work things out eventually.</p>
<p>Alright everyone, I have a few spare minutes to answer a bit! :)</p>
<p>She's still doing pretty well in the eating-sleeping-etc sense. Her grades are slightly lower, but then again whose aren't their last month of high school! She's definitely eating (probably helped by the fact that I've been making a few of her favorites-- yes, I've been coddling!). Unfortunately she's never been the type to go out much with friends, they all tend to be more in-school/after-school-clubs friends. She's just usually too busy to make the real hang-out-at-the-mall friends, but she's never been too upset over that. </p>
<p>cheers- Don't worry, it's her middle name!! I call her that, but it's a bit of a mommy-only name. I hope those Rice upperclassmen don't get to look at her middle name though! </p>
<p>The "problem" with D is that she's hard to get mad at. If she were actually misbehaving I could do something, but she's not sulky in the screaming at me, abusing her little sister way, just in the "sitting in my room, I'm sad, woe is me" way-- which is much harder to tell her to snap out of! She's keeping to herself, so I'm just worried, not angry. I went into her room to talk to her earlier, but she was busy with a project and didn't want to be disturbed. Didn't want to bring it up at dinner-- father definitely belongs to the "buck up" camp! </p>
<p>But thank you everyone for the advice. For some of the misc questions, we live in the northeast, so yes, it's a bit further than we really expected. I bet she'd say yes to shopping for warm-weather clothes though! She has some friends in Austin, so maybe a visiting-Rice-then-driving-over-to-see-them Texas trip is in order this summer (hope the extreme heat/humidity of the summer doesn't turn her off more though!! Might this be a problem?) </p>
<p>I'll check back later to answer the private messages and anything else... I really really appreciate all of the advice! I'm sorry to cause an argument, but it looks like it's all better now. :)</p>
<p>imo, extreme heat/humidity might actually be a problem. S is going to Tulane and we visited it and Rice in mid/late June. Heat and humidity writ large! Didn't turn S off (the schools themselves are air-conditioned everywhere, at least Tulane is and I assume Rice), but might not be your best move.</p>
<p>Hoping she'll come out of it through time, planning ahead, and (yes) shopping. After all,
[quote]
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
<p>Don't take her in the summer - we live on the GUlf COast and I have family in Houston - people go underground in the summer, you will feel like melting jello. She will be there for school during the best weather of the year - most of the "winter". Everyone suffers through the first month or two, and then it will begin the long slow cool down, and she will learn how good the humidity is for the complexion.</p>
<p>Definitely shopping, she will be wearing shorts and flip-flops almost all year round. Also HOuston is enough in the South that people dress up a little - a few cute sundresses may be in order.</p>
<p>Depends on where in the NE you are from. If New Jersey, heat and humidity may not throw her. But it is hot, hot, hot and sticky in Houston so if you are in New England might be an issue. Air conditioning, however, is amazing as you can imagine. There's always South Padre Island - that's where many Texans might be unless it's hurricane season...</p>
<p>May I add something? To the original poster: we don't know your child, we don't know you. Only you can judge if this is a serious situation that needs intervention, a case of immaturity that needs a slap on the head (I'm talking figuratively folks!), or a new pair of earrings. I wish you the best and I think ALL of the suggestions that have been made here probably have some merit, depending on the specifics of your child, you, and the situation.</p>
<p>To everyone else: why is it that when a poster says something we disagree with, instead of disagreeing with the STATEMENT, there seems to be a growing need among some on the parents board to personally attack the person for saying it?</p>
<p>The OP asked for advice, many people gave it. There are MANY possible answers to this question and to others --- why can't we listen to them all without declaring the people who suggest them "stupid" or "uncaring?" I, for one, have found that the times I have learned the most here on CC are when I stop arguing my point of view and just start listening to what others are saying. Personal attacks, even subtle digs, about individual posters just because you may not agree with their suggestion only causes discussions to become so unpleasant that they are unreadable and, worse, useless to the person who asked the question in the first place.</p>
<p>Please consider both the tone and subject of your posts - and if necessary take a deep breath and rewrite them - before hitting the "send reply" button.</p>
<p>If your d isn't a "mall crawler", she might enjoy Rice Village, a collection of specialty stores and restaurants near campus, over the Galleria.</p>
<p>I have sandpaper over here at my desk. Everyone is welcome to take a piece. I think we need a little toughening of the skin around here. Every day on CC doesn't need to be filled with tiptoes through the tulips and creampuff picnics. C'mon. We can handle HYP admission drama, but can't handle differences in conflict resolution? Everyone isn't the best at "stroking". </p>
<p>Don't know how thick-skinned I am, but I really didn't take offense at anything anyone said. Everybody simply said what they thought would be best, based on the admittedly limited information I provided. I know that this is probably more of a thing that happens a lot, which is why people are upset about the arguments & whatnot, but really, I also sort of felt like she had a lot of good options and was being unduly sulky. As a girl who doesn't often indulge in self-pity, I was simply a little concerned and looking for ideas on how to cheer her up from other parents who are probably going through similar things. I feel like I received good advice, and I didn't see anything that seriously offended me or felt like a personal attack. </p>
<p>I don't need to be defended! I promise! But I appreciate people who try! :-D</p>
<p>
[quote]
To everyone else: why is it that when a poster says something we disagree with, instead of disagreeing with the STATEMENT, there seems to be a growing need among some on the parents board to personally attack the person for saying it?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Skyhawk~</p>
<p>I am glad that <em>someone</em> asked this question. When I posted about my son's desire to feel appreciated by his h.s., he was branded a "braggart", "out for his own glory", and other such stuff. It turned my stomach and hurt my heart (if you knew him, you'd know why--that is the OPPOSITE of how he is), and it has greatly affected my feelings for some on this site. I am thick skinned...to a point. To the point of getting ripped a new one by people that don't even know me. Then, I am done.</p>
<p>I would plead for a bit of civility PLEASE! There are REAL PEOPLE behind these computers!</p>
<p>I've read all the posts on this thread, and have come away with the feeling that too many people are far too emotionally invested in this issue than seems appropriate. So many have taken umbrage with expressed opinions of some that it makes me wonder what is really behind the expressions of indignation. The OP is appreciative of all the imput she's received, for goodness sake! She asked for opinions. She recieved opinions. She's grateful. So why are some people's knickers in a twist? I can see merit in every expressed stategy on how to handle this problem. I can't give any advice, because I too, would probably truly feel at a lose as to how to handle my child's unhappiness. The ONLY thing that matters is that the OP's D somehow rebound from the disappointment and find a way embrace her college choice.</p>
<p>AnnaliesesMum, I think you're a wonderul Mom and you're right to be concerned. If you say you D's reaction is uncharacteristic, I believe you. You know her better than most anyone, I'm sure. Come to think of it, I DO have a bit of advice---use your own excellent parental instincts, honed by years of parenting this child, and tailor your actions accordingly. I have every faith that you'll help her to weather this disappointment (perhaps the biggest she's ever faced in her few short years), and come out stronger and wiser.</p>