<p>I guess what is bothering some posters is that there are so many people with much more difficult situations. Yes, the D does have feelings. But I don't get the feelings were ignored. I get the impression, that people may feel that at SOME point the D needs to move on with life. Puppies die. Grand parents pass. Teachers leave. Friends dump you. You are not hired for the perfect job. Life happens. And the trick is to recognize life happens, and that sulking for months does you no good. Grieving? I don't think it applies. Grieving is a very very powerful emotion, and if D is still grieving maybe someone professional needs to be brought in. I am not being flip.</p>
<p>How long is healthy to let a kid sulk and pout of not having the perfect life? When a parents do we stop conjoling them? When do we say, well, maybe we need to get professional help? When do we say, okay stop, you didn't get your way, but you got something pretty darn good, lets deal with that? When do we say, okay, of all your options, which do you want? When do we say, well, if this isn't going to work, we need to seriouslly consider the options? When do we say, well dear, its time to think about how you want your life to be? When do we say, it doens't matter what other people think?</p>
<p>The OP is asking for advice for a D who has been rejected from all the Ivies that she applied to. D certainly has the right to her feelings, as others of us certainly have the right to disagree how long it might/should take to get on with life after realizing that an Ivy league school may not be in your future. Obviously, none of us know this child or family and OP did not go into detail as to D's normal reactions to setbacks. We can only surmise. But, with the information we have been given, to compare the "appropriate" sulk level of not attending an Ivy (no specific one named...just Ivy in general?) to cheating spouses, divorce situations, and death of loved ones is, in my opinion, reason for concern.
OP asked for advice. There are those of us that are advising that it is time, perhaps, (you know your child better than we do!) to....yes, count blessings. Congrats on Rice. What a great school!</p>
<blockquote>
<p>That was the first time the voluntering has been described in such a positive manner. Prior to that, the volunteering seemed to be sanctimoniously suggested as a cure for some sort of self-indulgence.<<</p>
</blockquote>
<br>
<p>Excuse me, but when I suggested volunteering, I was thinking about getting the child's attention and energy focused on somwthing besides a stressful admissions process! Now if she happens to develop a finer appreciation of others' situations, that's great, but nothing the OP said would make me think she didn't already have empathy for others.</p>
<p>All of us need to lighten up - end of thread for me!</p>
<p>I agree. We don't know anything about the D except that, prior to this FIVE WEEK period of sulleness, she was a hardworking, thrifty, bounce-back kid. (#17) Sounds like a keeper to me!</p>
<p>I also agree that a comparison to death and divorce might be overstating the problem, but I do think that many on this thread read "sulleness" and "Rice, Wellesley, UChicago" and decided the D was, presto, self-indulgent.</p>
<p>Had the OP omitted the prestige names, she would have found a more universal sympathy and more suggestions couched in positive, non-judgemental, terms.</p>
<p>I don't understand where the either/or-ness of this thread came from. I don't think anyone said she can't have those feelings, but rather that it might be healthy for her to get some help in putting them, and the situation, in perspective, and be able to move on from where she is, not where she would've liked to be.</p>
<p>I have never told my kids to "buck up", but i would encourage them to "get outside of their own heads" for a while, if dwelling on some unwanted outcome is affecting them, by finding some focus outside themselves. I think that while helping them to deal constructively with difficult feelings and situations may not be coddling, it is nurturing.</p>
<p>Tell your daughter to write in a journal about it. If this is the most disappointed she will ever be than she should take copious notes. This is one of the things I have enjoyed the most about Speech and Debate tournaments. My daughter has learned how to handle her losses and her wins with some dignity. When she was rejected from her top of the list reach school, she was quiet for an hour tossing files and packing up literature from that school to bring to the guidance office at school. Then she made a list of reasons to go or to avoid the remaining schools and started to narrow the decision. Moving on is a vital skill in this world.</p>
<p>Your daughter has picked Rice....I assume it was her decision to apply there, so congratulations.</p>
<p>Hey guys let's just stop posting on this matter. The ONLY reason I even posted originally was because several posters, BEFORE we knew how long the girl had been out of sorts, were being somewhat rude. The OP just asked for advice not judgment, etc.</p>
<p>Sorry Liz I was editing this post before you posted.</p>
<p>I'm certainly not comparing a loss of your dream college to death or divorce. Loss is experienced at all levels of life from the trivial to the traumatic. There is a general process of working through it and the deeper and more severe the loss, the longer it takes to work through it. </p>
<p>E. Kubler Ross researched the process of grief as it relates to death and dying but I believe many psychologists use the steps as a guideline for all kinds of grief associated with loss.</p>
<p>And Mr. B good suggestion about the journal.</p>
<p>But can we ask A'smom to let us know how her D is doing? I mean, if there is progress, or she finds out the root cause? Of course, maybe she wants to keep it private. Just so you know we are thinking of her and hope it gets better.</p>
<p>To the OP - Not sure whether or not someone has already suggested this, but if D truly doesn't like Rice, she can transfer somewhere else next year... Maybe she'll feel better if she sees that as an option. Then again, Rice might grow on her and she might decide that's where she wants to be after all... Good luck!</p>
<p>oh, gosh! I certainly did not mean to equate a college rejection to death. I apologize if it came out that way. I meant to say that our reaction to all losses tends to follow a pattern of grief (just as lizschup says), and that this particular student's reaction may be more complicated and perhaps deeper than some other kids' reaction to the extent that it may be tied up a deeper view of what the rejection meant to her. We need to recognize that in certain cases, the reaction we are seeing is a reaction to loss - that goes beyond the mere college rejection itself. Only the OP, or more precisely, her D, can know that. I think this is important since the OP's D has felt this way for as long as 5 weeks. </p>
<p>I also did not mean to say that college rejection was the same as death, but that learning how to cope with college rejection entails the same emotional skills that the student will need later on when she encounters other losses.</p>
<p>Goshthis is is a tough crowd. I suspect that quite a few students and parents are struggling with disappointment at this stage, but many hesitate to talk about it on CC because they know theyll be blasted for poor planning and/or ingratitude.</p>
<p>Yes, Rice is a wonderful school and theres every chance that the OPs daughter will love it there. And yes, her situation must look very fortunate to anyone who has had less illustrious choicesor, in the excruciating case of Andis sonno choices at all (yet; my fingers are crossed every day). Still, many kids do have dream schools, and I believe the reactions here would have been far gentler if the OP, who's new to these parts, had realized that "the Ivies" are fighting words to some people on this forum. Moreover, while I admire the Zen serenity of Love Every School on Your List and Youll be Thrilled No Matter What Happens, I sometimes wonder how many of the people who hang around on an obsessive forum like College Confidential would be genuinely thrilled if push came to shove. (Alumother, I remember how dejected you were before Princeton and Stanford came through for your daughter, even though she had already been admitted to Berkeley.)</p>
<p>To the OP: I feel for both you and your daughter; this is such an intense, draining process that we all want it to end on a high note. In practical termsI agree with the advice that theres not much point in trying to change her mind about Rice just now; your daughter will have to work through her feelings about it in her own way and in her own time, and I suspect she won't know really know how she likes it until she is actually there. As for the summer, I do think she should make definite plans to do something, as Im not sure its generally healthy for teenagers to spend more than a week or so relaxing. As others have suggested, Id also keep an eye on her overall mood. Is she still enjoying her friends and other activities, sleeping and eating OK, etc.? This can be a stressful and confusing passagesometimes even for kids who get into their first-choice schoolsand I would want to look into counseling if her low spirits persist or extend beyond her reservations about Rice. (By the way, as I think at least one poster mentioned, it's conceivable that this may not be about Rice at all; some kids turn sullen or bratty with their parents at this point because helps them deal with the upcoming separation.)</p>
<p>I'm sorry, I don't have the time to answer now-- I'll be able to write a more full response in a few hours. I just felt that, since there are a hundred more replies since I last answered, I'd let you know that I'll be back and reading everything, once I have a spare hour or two (and hopefully by then I'll have had a chance to talk to Annaliese)!</p>
<p>helicoptermom - Absolutely. I was wiped out. I was thinking about that as I read her post. And like I said in my post above, only somewhat tongue-in-cheek, being a Democrat I usually err on the side of coddling not too much bucking up:) anyway. I just look forward to hearing all has worked out well.</p>
<p>" I sometimes wonder how many of the people who hang around on an obsessive forum like College Confidential would be genuinely thrilled if push came to shove."</p>
<p>What is "shove"......attending a safety? What if yuor safety is a scool you love....and is your #2 choice? What if a kid doesn't build their list in order of reach/match/safety......rather, they build it in terms of "love to death/love/really like"? </p>
<p>Can a kid love NYU to death and "really like" Harvard? </p>
<p>Somehow, the popular mindset is to love the biggest reach the most.....and love the safety the least. </p>
<p>Actually, this essay, written by a high school English teach about the expectations and disappointments students bring to the admissions process may be very appropriate to this discussion:</p>
<p>Thanks for sharing the article, Carolyn. I'm keeping a copy of it. It is difficult for kids and families who have imagined one scenario and end up at a school, no matter how good, where they simply did not contemplate,beyond having it a good choice on paper. Many times when that college list is put together,school are put on it that seem like a good fit, but nothing really jells during the process, whereas a love affair starts with certain other schools. And as Momsdream says they "love the biggest reash the most... and love the safety the least" which is a recipe for certain disappointment. Though I have no problem in anyone and everyone applying to the top schools, kids and families should understand that these are lottery ticket schools and to get into one of them is truly a remote chance. Celebrate and rejoice and be surprised if it happens, but really try to set your sites on some more realistic choices. That is really the tough part about picking colleges, is getting schools on the list where you have a good chance of getting in and can also like. Won't happen if you are bonding with the schools anyone can just pick off the top of thelist. Of course, anyone can fall in love with the idea of HPY. No challenge there.</p>
<p>Momsdream, I don't think the issue is prestige vs. cow college. Sometimes a kid with a very specific academic focus falls in love with a school which seems to have everything... the right program, the right environment, the optimal distance from home (near or far, depending on the kid). They may have lots of other choices on the list... some of which are close fits, some of which have some of the elements but not all-- life's about trade-offs.</p>
<p>I'm sure most kids eventually grow to love where they are.... but since life is full of trade-offs, it's harder to let go of certain elements than others.</p>
<p>What I'm starting to have a hard time with on this thread and others like it is the drum beat of parents whose kids got into their first choice school (or at least their early application, whether or not it was their first choice) claiming that the rest of the world needs to buck up, after all it's only college not a liver transplant, etc.</p>
<p>You know who you are... try a little empathy on for size since I think the mood at your houses would have been a bit different had the outcomes been reversed.</p>