Last year after Ivy Day I was disturbed by the vitriol with which adult posters attacked kids who were reeling in shock and disappointment by the results. I posted a thread that attacked back, and received both support for my position and (somewhat justified) criticism of how I chose to respond. So, this year, with good intent I am attempting to be proactive and positive and suggest the following:
Soon you will see kids who are disappointed, crushed, and angry at rejections. They will be guilty of arrogance, ignorance, misplaced confidence, mis-reading of statistics, hubris, and other faults common with being young and having an undeveloped prefrontal cortex.
Remember, nobody needs you to “set them straight” – even if you are right – but they are looking for reassurance, a place to vent, maybe even (gasp!) coddling and comfort! Just give them a break, and don’t kick them when they are down. If you have information they can use, provide it. But litanies of their mistakes are not useful.
This matters because thoughtless responses drive away new users who could really benefit from the information here, and also contribute to the “toxic” reputation of this site. Any forum has the shape its users give it. Let’s give this forum a good one.
Thank you. This is my first year around this place, and I hope I would not have been That Person but I don’t know. I am grateful for your reminder and I will try to be a good citizen of this message board.
It’s good to remember to treat these kids the way with the care and respect that you would want strangers to treat your own children with. I will bear that in mind.
I don’t know that this site it “toxic.” But do we really need a “safe space” for these kiddos. So you didn’t get in. The vast majority doesn’t. Get over it and get on with life.
@OHMomof2 - your avatar gave me a well-needed laugh.
@Postmodern - I think this is a good reminder for everyone. I get so very irritable that so many smart, talented, hard-working kids end up feeling like “failures” due to our increasingly dysfunctional college application process. Its flat out wrong - they do all the work and they bear the brunt of the pain and disappointment. Being gentle with them in their time of hurt is the least the grown-ups can do.
Thank you. This site was initially meant to be for high school/college students, correct? Let’s not wear out our welcome. Many students have already left this site because of scoldy parents. I wouldn’t say they need a “safe space” but I don’t blame them for not wanting to hear it from the Olds.
CC is a not a safe space and a dose of reality is helpful for others who come later and read “Ivy Day” threads. As long as everyone follows forum rules and does not ad homen attack, I can’t see any issue with saying - “If you had chosen some safeties you liked, you would have had more options”. “Perhaps applying to every Ivy and not spending enough time on the essays, was not a good strategy.”
I do think that kindness and sympathy should be mixed in with a dose of facts/realism in order to be helpful in the long term. I have been around CC a while and unfortunately have seen people repeat the same application mistakes after taking a gap year.
thank you @Postmodern – yeah, this site is great but there are moments where posters are so harsh. It usually goes along these lines:
Kid posts a rejection and is heartbroken, angry, sad, in despair, in disbelief, whatever.
They usually post this 15 minutes after its happened…when everything is pure emotion (and because of CC rules, you can neither edit or delete the post…there are no 2nd acts at College Confidential)
Assuming that they post something just really over the top and really dumb because of the emotion, half the posters will scold them for their reactions, applying to the school to begin with, and then not accepting the result in a great way (even if the poster wrote this 15 minutes after they found out).
I agree that solid advice is good (especially if the kid is asking “now what”) but for the most part, I think it’s okay to feel really really crummy about a turn-down for a day…even a week!
From what I have read recently it appears a lot of times the parents attitude shapes the applicants attitude.
If a child is saying “some idiot got in instead of me, it’s not fair” and the parent is supporting that attitude and not using it as a lesson learned then I don’t think that is right. Some parents set unrealistic expectations. Some parents take failure as a sign that they failed in their role.
I get that for some students it is their first experience with rejection but it is necessary to explain to them that their view of the world is not necessarily how it really is. The road to success is full of stumbling blocks. Use them as stepping stones. There is more than one way to reach a goal. The sooner in life this lesson is learned the better off they will be.
I feel every parent should have a talk with their child before they start the application process and set reasonable expectations no matter what the outcome. One life skill that is necessary is being able to accept criticism without taking it personally. In real life we will face all kinds of people who will not always be so nice and we have to learn how to cope with that otherwise every single thing will bother us. That doesn’t mean on this forum we are unnecessarily harsh on others but there can be a nicer way to get the same message across.
I think the harshest critics are the parents who have kids who got into great schools (perhaps years ago) and now feel free to criticize students who are not so lucky. Many of these students don’t have parents who are college savvy, which is why they are on CC seeking guidance. I have seen a few adults on CC who continually offer great information in a civil tone, but I have been most impressed with the youth who are generally more supportive and encouraging than the adult posters. Usually saying something like, “There will be other great opportunities in your future.” is all they want to hear.
I agree with the OP, and disagree that a student not asking for advice needs advice or “a dose of reality”. Nothing you say now is going to change what happened. Save the advice for threads where the “new” applicants are asking for it. One thing I’ve learned on social media is that tendency we all have to “explain” when someone isn’t asking for it is ubiquitous and rarely helpful. Sometimes people just want to be heard. You don’t have to reply if you can’t be empathetic. It’s okay to just read and move on.
And parents- get your head in the game to be kind and appropriate to your OWN kid if disappointing news comes your way. Your kid will model their behavior after yours. If your reaction to your kid getting rejected from X college is to rant and rave about legacies, athletes, URM’s, full pay internationals, and all the “others” who got your kids seat, don’t be surprised if your kid lashes out in anger as well. If you fall to pieces because “daddy and granddaddy and great granddaddy all went to X college and they are going to have a fit that you were rejected” then guess what- your kid will fall to pieces as well.
Be kind, make sure you’ve stocked plenty of mint chip or whatever flavor of ice cream spells “we love you no matter what” in your house, be ready to take the dog out for a walk while you and your kid have a brief mourning period and then move on.
I would also add this: sometimes on this site there seems to be a certain…um…arrogance…that everyone should be as sophisticated about college admissions as “I am”. So when a parent says “holy heck he/she got in but we can’t afford it” how about some sympathy rather than “well you should have had that conversation long ago”.
I’m a good parent (or so my kids tell me) but not a perfect parent. (Today’s meltdown over shoveling snow proves that point!) This is not an easy journey nor is it an end…but rather a beginning. Let’s celebrate and empathize…and not criticize.
Having gotten into top schools with very uninspiring GPAs myself and having seen my kid get into a school very unexpectedly, I always tell kids it doesn’t hurt to shoot for the stars as long as you have a place to land. I am often surprised at some posters who are so sure the kid will not get in when to me, the kid has a definite shot. Several instances, I even posted, I am almost sure you will get into so and so top schools. I guess reading many resumes will do that to you.
Every year, I am amazed at many intelligent and well qualified kids I know who don’t get into certain schools. But several years later, these kids are in very good situations. So remember, life is a long marathon race where often you compete against yourself. I tend to think had adcoms been able to get to know applicants better, their decisions would differ.
Anyway, all you need is one decent school at the end of the day.
Thanks for posting all these kind thoughts. I would also add, please tell your kids to be kind to their peers and not ask questions. Some kids may not have gotten into Prestigious U and they don’t want to be asked about it. Or they are on the waiting list and hoping for a place. They don’t owe anyone an explanation. Especially in the social media frenzy we live in, this can make kids feel terrible. (They have to LEARN to deal with rejection). That means slowly as we did. Not via some person scolding them online. Parents who say nothing may be doing the best job Disappointment is real and part of life.
And remember some kids got into Prestigious U but want to go to Prestigious X. Happens all the time.
My a yr goes by quickly. This is meant to assure all of you that there will be vast disappointment, despair, etc…but then everything will work out just fine. We dealt with rejections and acceptances exactly a yr ago. S was really upset about one in particular (not HYP as that was unrealistic - shouldn’t have applied). Fast forward and he just finished his spring break of freshmen yr at second choice school and loves it. Can’t imagine being somewhere else. Thinks it’s a better fit than his first choice, etc.
Very tough for parents to watch their kids go through this level of disappointment, especially when the kids typically achieve, so they aren’t used to dealing with that emotion. They will bounce back. They will dust themselves off and pick themselves up. It’s actually a great lesson…but hard to watch for sure.
I’m new to the site this year. In my first week I got a fairly harsh response on my second or third post. Part of me wanted to ignore it but I simply stated that A. I’m new to college confidential and B. Mainly here for helpful info for us and our 2018 college twins. This is still why I’m here! And I got a thicker skin and read more than posted.
