Depressed son failing all classes of his first semester, freshman year

Parents Forum
21

<p>With mono, mid to late semester, and ADD on top of that, at a challenging school–your son might be able to receive a medical withdrawal from his classes for this semester, and start fresh (with no grade record) when he’s recovered. Even if the semester has ended, it would not be too late for him to talk to his advisor and perhaps someone in the Dean’s office, to explain the situation. They should be sympathetic about the scholarship, as well; I’d hope that they would be.</p>

<p>Companies that sell tuition insurance for college cover mono as a reason that a student might need to drop out of a semester, after having paid the tuition for it. At some schools you can work your way through mono (I did, freshman year in the spring), but in retrospect, I think it was possible because my classes weren’t <em>that</em> hard.</p>

22

<p>I would avoid anything that gives your son the idea that any of this is his fault. That would include, initially, not hitting him with requirements such as doing chores or working. He should be able to come up with those things himself, when ready.</p>

<p>Getting mono in the first semester of freshman year could be absolutely devastating, especially for a kid with ADD and learning issues. The feeling of being left behind can cause depression: it is like being left out. The abundance of work to catch up on, that you can never really feel solid about, can be overwhelming. As fellow students move forward at a steady pace, while you struggle to catch up, it is easy to feel isolated. Often self-isolation is a way to make one’s external and internal lives match, if that makes sense.</p>

<p>I would give him a lot of positive feedback about his courage in staying on campus until the end.</p>

<p>I would let him know that kids who suffer medical problems exceeding two weeks often leave for the term, and are often required to return after a semester or even a full year out.</p>

<p>I would emphasize that he is not alone in this situation. Whether for medical, psychiatric or emotional reasons, there really are a lot of kids who take medical leaves, and also kids who just take leaves of absences for other reasons. It may seem to him that he has failed and his life is over. Encourage seeing this as just a small glitch. Give him a sense of the long future ahead.</p>

<p>Reevaluating where he goes to schools might be good too. Closer to home, less stressful place, more accommodating place (accommodations at the college level are much lower than at high school, and also some places are “survival of the fittest,” while others have a “culture of kindness.”)</p>

<p>I would leave him alone for a bit- require therapy, that’s it. Let him rest and recover and let the seeds of hope grow in him. Let the therapist deal with his planning, and just be supportive, while respecting his distance and autonomy.</p>

<p>At some point down the road, you could gently ask him if he would like to talk about what he might do, in the short and long term, and how you can help. If he would like to volunteer, you can ask if he welcomes ideas or connections from you, for instance. </p>

<p>I think that depression on top of mono on top of ADD and learning issues on top of the normal stress of transition to college are all big deals, and that this kid has been courageous in staying. He has suffered enormous burdens these past months. He deserves a chance to heal in a supportive environment, and, it would seem to me, deserves the trust that honors his persistence and preserves autonomy.</p>

<p>Many antidepressants work for only 50% of those who try them, and many stop working after a few months. In addition to therapy, perhaps you could get him to a psychopharmacologist or, even better, a good psychiatrist. Sometimes there are studies at research clinics in hospitals that give really good care for free. </p>

<p>Anger at moms is normal at this age. The more they need us, the bigger then anger, sometimes. Sometimes, the stronger the connection, the bigger the anger needed to break away. At this stage of development, our being pleasant but detached seems to work well. Hard to do, admittedly. His depression will exacerbate these issues, so it will take a lot of finesse and subtlety but you will find your way!</p>

<p>And buy tuition insurance next time!</p>

23

<p>OP, not a lot of advice, just hugs and letting you know you’re not alone. The shoe dropped for us last Sunday night, when Son fessed up that he had failed a class and did poorly in another. What a sick feeling it gives a mom! Our Son has Asperger’s, ADD, depression, etc. There are a lot of us here who can relate…Christmas is just such a difficult time to have to deal with it all.</p>

24

<p>*I would avoid anything that gives your son the idea that any of this is his fault. That would include, initially, not hitting him with requirements such as doing chores or working. He should be able to come up with those things himself, when ready.
*</p>

<p>While I agree that no one should be assigning blame to the child (or the family), I don’t agree that he shouldn’t be expected to start taking care of himself. The anger exists because he wasn’t managing his life prior to college and now he “blames” mom for “handicapping” him. Well, he needs a little wake-up call - he can’t have it both ways - getting to blame mom while also not starting to learn/do some of these things himself. If he’s allowed to just come home and do whatever he pleases, while mom takes care of him, the problem perpetuates - and, he’ll still be angry.</p>

<p>The reason I suggested a job is because kids like this - if left to their own devices with no demands on their time (like a job) - will end up staying up late (very late), sleeping all day, and getting further depressed. With a job, he’ll have to get himself up (without mom waking him) and get to the job ontime. I don’t know if this child had a problem getting up and to class on time in college, but some ADD and depressed kids have that problem.</p>

25

<p>My daughter also came down with mono during her first semester. She totally withdrew from the world. Never told her advisor or her teachers. She just stopped going to classes. Thank you to the poster who said that mono comes with depression. I think she definitely has it and yet refuses to work with the therapist that I found for her. Her college was great and asked that she withdraw from the first semester so she would not have to fail all her classes and go on academic probation. So she was grantes a medical leave of absence, though it was touch and go to see if she would have to reapply or just be readmitted. She has now been readmitted for Spring semester and will have to start anew. She has a hard time communicating with adults and will not take charge of her life, she really needs to start taking charge of her life. It is a hard place. I do hope your son will get a second chance like my daughter just did. Good luck, it is so hard when you see your children go through these problems.</p>

26

<p>Figuring out the boundaries over the next few weeks will be challenging, I am sure. I do know that he is overwhelmed with disappointment in himself and I will have to consciously work to avoid compounding his sense that he has let everyone down. He has taken every suggestion I have made over the past two months as criticism or lack of understanding on my part and his sense of self is very fragile. At the same time, we need a starting place to begin the next phase of his journey. The suggestions from parents or students who have traveled or are traveling this road are invaluable, and I am very open to more.</p>

27

<p>So sorry for you. I know what you are going through. Brilliant D1 aced everything until age 20 when she took a year abroad at Northwestern ( we are European). Then depression, mono, more depression, severe eating disorders, diagnosed by some idiot doctor as bipolar and put on the wrong meds, came back home, dropped out of everything except the aforementioned depression and purging, and tried twice to commmit suicide. What saved her was her father desperately fighting for his life for ten months in intensive care. God knows I don’t recommend this method, but I realized that having to do something for someone else forced her to focus on something other than her own problems (which are real, as she was finally correctly diagnosed with Aspergers).
If your son is not yet ready to resume his studies (it took D 2 years to get back on track), some kind of humanitarian work may be the solution. it could give him back his self-esteem, by showing him how lucky he is, despite everything , to be who he is. D told me recently that so long as she felt that she was only capable of taking instead of giving, the only emotions that she could feel towards those who were trying to help her were resentment and guilt.</p>

28

<p>I agree about humantarian work and the possibility that it might give him an opportunity to get “outside his own head” when he gets to a better place mentally. I am know he believes that he has a harder row to hoe than other kids he knows, and has a hard time seeing the many gifts and talents he has been given in addition to the challenges he faces.</p>

29

<p>What about finding a therapist near his college -one that he could meet with on a reguar basis and when needed. It is important that he works through his issues but also finds a sense of being independent. There is no guarantee that one year off will make the difference.</p>

30

<p>OP, no real advice, just want to say I’m sorry for the situation your S and you are in.
I can empathize. Last fall, S2 failed 4/6 classes and made D’s in the other two.
He was always a B/C student in hs. He lost two of his best friends to a deadly car wreck just three weeks before college started. He went to school but did very little.
He was very good at hiding it. By Christmas, he had worked through it and was in a much better state of mind but his grades were gone by then. He was put on Academic Probation. He had to get a 2.5 in the next sem. or be suspended.</p>

<p>We did let him go back and repeat the failed classes. He managed to do well enough (barely) to get off probation and has done his usual B/C work ever since. </p>

<p>I know none of this is really pertinent to your situation except the grades part.
I was just touched by your post and wanted to let you know that my kid made a .33 gpa his first sem. but has managed a slow but sure comeback. I wish your S all the best.</p>

31

<p>

</p>

<p>I couldn’t disagree more with this. “Fault” and “blame” are not words that can usefully be applied to his situation, but “responsibility” is. It’s not his fault he has ADD and depression, or that he got mono. But he’s stuck with the ADD, and it’s his responsibility, with help from therapists, doctors, parents, counselors as needed, to figure out how to deal with it. </p>

<p>I don’t agree with the advice to coddle him. He needs to have a schedule and expectations. Otherwise, as mom2collegekids says, he’ll just drift.</p>

32

<p>“If the meds your son is taking aren’t helping, then try others–this is frequently a trial and error game that takes much experimentation. Plus the psychopharamceutical armory grows by the day, so if his therapist is not on the cutting edge, it may be time to try someone else.”</p>

<p>How about…</p>

<p>“If the therapy your son is using isn’t helping, then try others–this is frequently a trial and error game that takes much experimentation. … so if his therapist is not on the cutting edge, it may be time to try someone else.”</p>

<p>“Plus the psychopharamceutical armory grows by the day”…how so?</p>

33

<p>Folks, I wasn’t saying the son should not do chores or have responsibilities. I was encouraging the mom to let him come up with them himself, rather than treating him like a naughty young kid. </p>

<p>I would expect some level of exhaustion, and allowing initial rest would be a recognition of that. So I wouldn’t greet him at the door with a speech about responsibility. But I would expect some participation in household chores and in the world of work or volunteering, over time, as he is ready.</p>

<p>The tone of this is what I was trying to discuss. I don’t think the mom should “require” anything beyond some sort of therapy. I think the work toward healing should be more collaborative than punitive, and that the boy should have the reins, in regard to his own path.</p>

<p>The relationship between the mom and son is very key in this situation, and being allies is a lot better than being antagonists.</p>

<p>Depression like this is a true illness, not a character flaw. With enough rest and the proper meds, he will feel better- and then he will be able to contribute to the house and to others, without someone having to “require” it of him. It will happen more naturally.</p>

<p>But every family is different, and every kid is different. Just like everyone else, I am going by my own experience and my own relationships with my kids.</p>

34

<p>Great post, compmom. There is plenty of time to work out the details of chores and such. A little time to accept the situation is important, and with the holiday season coming, the family might need even more time. One can never have too much compassion at certain times. To the OP, my prayers are with you, and remember you are not alone. Trust in yourself, you know your son. You sound like a very caring parent, and because of that, all will work out.</p>

35

<p>If I were in your shoes I would first ask him to write down his thoughts and I would write down mine and then we would both visit the therapist together to come to an agreement on the next step. The therapist should help keep things rational on both sides. Good luck to you - it must be very hard.</p>

36

<p>I’ve had some experience with this and the hardest part for me was to set aside my vision of how the college experience was going to be and what it is now for my son. Letting go of that illusion (because that is all it ever was just something cooked up on a halmark card) was the first step in really looking at my son, listening to him, and letting him find a path that was good for him. We pretty much said “what do you think you should do, the options are all open, go back, get a job for a while, explore some community service, find a community college, what would help you feel better about yourself and your life at this moment”…time in on your child’s side. </p>

<p>Life is long and it is always important to remember that there is no script, no norman rockwell moments. Expectations, ours and theirs, can really get in the way of finding good solutions. Rest, deep breathes, no blame just hey, that wasn’t the right choice for you only 33% of the students who start at a college graduate there so the fact that your son might be changing schools puts him in the norm not outside of it. </p>

<p>Be kind to yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong. Hang on to your values, make decisions with your heart, you are going to be his mom for a lot longer than he is going to be in college. He will find his way and you will be there as a resource but my advice would be to not allow this to turn into a bigger deal than it is. It’s very common. Hang in there! It will get better, with love and time. </p>

<p>This is what we all do when life kicks us in the teeth. We come home, get our wounds tended, get reminded that we are loved and supported for who we are, build back our confidence and then relaunch. Look back over your life and think of all the times you came home to have your wounds mended. This is what he’s doing. Also if there is any documentation on the medical conditions call the Office of Student Affairs and Students with Disabilities and see about getting a medical leave. It can make a huge difference. </p>

<p>My thoughts are with your family!</p>

37

<p>So much of your post hit home as we have gone through a very similar situation with my daughter. I agree with Cardinal Fang in that it is not a good time to coddle him but it is a great time to express the need for responsibility. If you read my posts about withdrawing my daughter from school you will see that I was torn between protecting her and wanting to see the child become responsible. We are making slow progress but I still need to work on stepping back and allowing her to figure things out…it is not easy.</p>

<p>Is your son able to get the first semester cleared off his record? If he could come home for a while and then start back at either the same school or another he will not need to play GPA catch-up. ADD and depression is really more debilitating than I ever imagined and it is not easy to see how these two conditions affect young adults. </p>

<p>My daughter is taking baby steps back to finding a path that will work for her. She has decided that she would not return to her former college and instead is completing her AA at our local CC. She is enrolled in winter, spring and summer courses and is also working at a location near our home. She will start at a four year college or university in the Fall, providing she gets her applications out. That will be up to her because I am not going to stand over her with these important deadlines anymore. I was too involved in highschool and the ADD and depression reared there ugly heads once she went off to college.</p>

<p>I hope that in your effort to help your son you try not to make excuses for him. Life brings us all things, some that we have control over and others that we don’t. If he makes you his punching bag than you need to set him straight about his role in his situation. In short make it about him, because it is about him and not about you or what you did or did’nt do. It is a time to set things straight so he can become a strong and independant young man…as I said before on another thread about mono and illness that hits kids in college, it is a time when they need to figure out how they are going to manage real life stuff. Some are better than others but the reality is that in order to function in life one must learn how to really navigate these unexpected events. I learned alot from my son with a serious chronic illness…he wanted to live alot more than he wanted to exist and he has surprised us with everything he has managed to do inspite of what doctors recommended.</p>

38

<p>I don’t have LDs or ADD, and when I got mono in college, I dropped out for a year. It took me months to recover; once I was feeling better, I got a full-time job, made plans to move out into my own apartment, put in a transfer app to Flagship State U, and started attending school again that fall. (And eventually, I transferred again, to my 4th college, which is the one I [finally!] graduated from.)</p>

<p>Your son might be expressing anger with you, but it sounds to me as though this is misplaced anger, that he’s really angry with himself. He likely could have done more to foster his own independence, didn’t, and though he blames you, I suspect he’s really blaming himself.</p>

<p>You’ll both get through this! Good luck to you both!</p>

39

<p>Reading this, I am so worried that it may be me writing about my S next Christmas. Major depression sophomore, junior years in HS that has finally lifted with some very powerful meds. Because of the comorbid ADHD he frequently needs to be reminded to take them. What will happen when he is on his own next year? I am worried that he won’t take the medication and will slide back in to a depression that we won’t catch because he will be so far away. What kind of things can we put into place (already working on the med/independence, will find a therapist @ school that he MUST check in with monthly) any other ideas?</p>

40

<p>We had similar issue 3bysmom and I wasn’t involved enough. Even though your S will have to take the steps it is easier to go in and show him where these services are located, let him know, get a note from his current therapist and see what accomodations he can have through SSD at the university. The support system is there as it is in high school but it isn’t as user friendly and flexible. Depending on the size of the university they also have student groups that meet with the same issues to create a support network. This is a time about your S discovering what he needs to be successful and learning how to advocate for himself. Helping him find that human support, either through a person you meet if you visit during the summer prior to his arrival, or even on the phone, just a consistent person he can reach out to and get direction from and also that he can call you and you will help him locate the resources. I think it is important that our children realize that there is drive and then there is reverse. It is okay to try things and if they don’t work, well that’s why there is reverse. Finding a therapist to help with the transition is also valuable. With some sputters and stumbles we have finally found a system that works and that is the goal. Depression is difficult and it usually rears its head when someone is under stress leaving home and starting an academic program at a competitive college…does it get any more stressful? Good luck with everything! Thinking about it this way, so far in advance will definitely be a huge plus!!!</p>