<p>No, it isn’t harsh at all. I do feel a face to face talk is needed. Sometimes, emails can seem cold and I’m sure that’s not your intention.</p>
<p>The difficult piece of the puzzle in 2011 is the full time job. Last semester my son was taking two classes and working 12-18 hours a week. I gave him an ultimatum that involved either getting another part time job or a full time job. I had to back off because the other job just wasn’t to be had. </p>
<p>He had a lead on another part time job that would have been perfect - but the ($10.77 an hour part time) job went to someone with a Master’s Degree in the field! </p>
<p>He almost had another 15 hour a week job, but when they asked his availability, he was sunk because they truly would only hire someone who could be available 24/7…for a 15 hour a week, mimimum wage job, meaning that would be the only job or time commitment the employee could have. It’s rough out there.</p>
<p>Haystack – Thanks for the Americorp suggestion! I like it. Now we’ll see if he does.</p>
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<p>That’s the job that the D of my friend has. It is tough in her area of the country to find that elusive full time job for someone who is earning minimum wage. Companies would rather hire part time workers.</p>
<p>Not too harsh at all. Sounds like the perfect “things are going to be changing around here, buddy!” </p>
<p>D1 will have a full time job again this summer. Going to throw a class in there, too (has to; she changed majors and needs this for sequencing). In the past, the class has been early morning, so I hope it is again this year. It’ll get d up in the morning and into bed at night. I am also not a fan of the out all night/sleep late schedule, which d managed to pull off even with her full time job. Couple times a week I can live with. Nightly? Uh, no. </p>
<p>I get the need to decompress as school can be stressful, but not for months at a time. </p>
<p>By the way, thumbs up to whoever said that needing money may be the best motivator of all.</p>
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<p>If I were the young person in this situation, I would feel unwelcome, especially if it might be difficult for me to find a full-time paid job or if I had a different idea about a constructive way to spend the summer while living at home. </p>
<p>One of my kids spent two college summers at home while holding full-time unpaid internships. In one of those years, she got the internship very late, and she was investigating the option of taking courses at a local college if the internship fell through. I gather that the OP would not allow his/her son to come home for either an unpaid internship or study at a local college. That seems a bit restrictive by my family’s standards, but every family is different.</p>
<p>He needed to hear that it is time to grow up. I think it would be fine if you sent a follow up that said something like this “We really want to to know how much we love you and that we REALLY do want you back home for the summer…we just need new ground rules.”</p>
<p>S1 tried that with us last summer. I lasted 3 weeks and signed him up for summer classes at a CC. I hear he is already sending out resumes for the upcoming summer! :p</p>
<p>I understand that students “work hard” during the school year and need a break, but 3 months is too much. Adults work hard, too, and don’t get a 3 month break.</p>
<p>I don’t mind when my kids “take it easy” for the first week or two after finals. Then they start their part-time jobs and/or internships. Their jobs/internships usually end a coupld of weeks before school starts in the fall. That’s when we take a family vacation.</p>
<p>Personally, I wouldn’t charge the rent, but I would have the expectation of work, summer school, or internship.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t have a problem with my child working 20 hrs a week and being home for the summer. Pretty soon they’ll be grown up, living elsewhere and who knows how often we’ll see them. I’d be broken hearted if my parents did that to me. I’d never do that to a child of mine. I figure they have their entire lives to work, and this is still a time they need their parents. That being said, my relationship and expectations could be different from yours. I really enjoy having the kids around, I miss them when they’re gone, but overall, even if they play too many video games or loaf around more than I do, I realize this time is short.</p>
<p>I have tried not to micro-manage my kids summer vacation time, but have instead incentivized them to work full-time by requiring them to cover certain of their expenses during the school year–beyond school charges, some basic clothing and toiletries and travel costs to and from home, they’re on their own. With this approach, OP’s son may choose to work 20 hours per week, but will have a restricted lifestyle as a result and learn a great life lesson about short-term pleasures vs. longer-term goals. Or he may see the light immediately and decide to work full time. In either case, the element of being unwelcome at home is removed from the equation.</p>
<p>personally, I would not have put such in an e-mail. I would’ve waited until the semester break to discuss next summer. Instead of ‘working’, suggest other alternatives, such as a ~10 week research position somewhere (which still allows time to veg)?</p>
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<p>Well, I guess it depends on the relationship you already have with each other. My kids know I am a pretty straight shooter, that I love them and support their endeavors. My teens have worked summers since they were 14 in real paying jobs, supplemented by babysitting. When my now 19 D wanted to stay at in the city (where her school is located), we discussed the logistics i.e. finding a sublet, finding a job that would pay for the sublet (and some savings), taking a class. In the end, it was her decision, she found a sublet, got two jobs and took one course (we had agreed we would pay for the course). </p>
<p>Between them, the roommates decided to forgo cable (including internet) for the summer and make do with hotspots and their close proximity to campus access. When I asked why, she asked “Do you have any idea how much cable costs??!!” Why yes, darling daughter, I do! That lesson alone was worth me smoothing out a few bumps in the lower than expected earnings (after an injury limited her last two summer weeks at work).
If D had discussed coming home and working part time (rather than full time), but interning or apprenticing or taking a few more classes to ease double majoring all of those options would be preferable to sleeping in mornings and partying in the evenings.</p>
<p>My kids live home in the summer, to save money for school, and work part-time or do unpaid internships (with the exception of one, who majored in computer science and got paid internships).</p>
<p>Full-time work is pretty hard to find these days.</p>
<p>Most of the students I know get internships and live away from home after junior year, so it might be a little early.</p>
<p>As many have said, family expectations differ. I think the son’s summer, with 20 hours work and seeing friends, is pretty normal. After another year or two, those friends will be scattered and adulthood will be unavoidable.</p>
<p>I think having higher expectations each year is reasonable (depending on the economy; I can’t find a job either) but it is a big jump for the OP’s family, from hanging out after a p/t job to not coming home at all and working f/t away from home.</p>
<p>This is still a transitional time.</p>
<p>And remember, some 80% of grads come home to live (I read 82%, but recently read a lower figure; in any case the point is that adulthood is being delayed for many by the economy. Also, for some, living at home to be economical is still prevalent.)</p>
<p>The more I think about this, the more uncomfortable I am about it. As others have asked, how is this kid doing in school? Does he work part-time during the school year? What are the financial constraints of the family? Who is paying for his college education?</p>
<p>Of course, if he opts to come home, work full-time, and pay rent, you won’t be complaining about whether he chooses to go out every night or not, right? Typically, landlords don’t interfere with tenants’ social lives.</p>
<p>I guess what I’m saying is that his situation doesn’t really sound all that cushy. If it’s really about his attitude, that’s a different story.</p>
<p>cbug - I agree with the message you’re trying to convey. I’m not sure about charging for R&B, but definitely the expectation that S enhance his education and/or finances (unpaid internship if it relates to his major or could be a networking opportunity, paid job, and/or taking a course).</p>
<p>Both of our kids were expected to earn their spending money for the school year by working over the summer and during the school year. S spent summers working away from home (to establish in-state residency) and came home for only a week; same thing for the winter break. (Neither kid came home for Thanksgiving.) D spent summers working while living at home; working retail wasn’t her idea of a dream job but what she earned went into her spending money bank account. Neither received an allowance while in college.</p>
<p>Some parents may think we were heartless and cruel, but it may have also helped them develop a strong work ethic since they’ve been self-supporting since their graduations.</p>
<p>From the title of your post, your instincts are telling you that you should not have sent the email. Trust your instincts. I recommend sending a follow up email expressing your feelings in a little less confrontational manner and with a little more of the love that you clearly have for him. Tell him you are concerned, and want only the best for him. Otherwise, it sounds like a boss talking to an employee.</p>
<p>I think I’m with Marian and Hunt on this one…</p>
<p>In most fields, internship experience (building the resume) is crucial for post-college employment…so many of those internships are unpaid, especially prior to junior year…</p>
<p>If one is to be in an unpaid internship, one needs to live rent-free (unless they are on someone else’s dime)…</p>
<p>and around here, the idea of a full time paid summer job does not exist other than as a camp counselor…or scooping ice cream at the Jersey Shore etc…maybe, making $10 /hour before taxes…doesn’t really help that resume, although it does help with expenses incurred over the summer…</p>
<p>While I don’t think your email is harsh, I think Part II might be in order, just a casual follow-up…</p>
<p>“if on the other hand, you find a great internship in hometown, that would be a nice stepping stone for summer of 2013, then of course we should discuss whether living at home makes more sense. And of course what the expectations should be. In the end we want you to make choices that are geared towards your future success…yadda yadda yadda…”</p>
<p>Let me just clarify that I’m not at all against providing an attitude adjustment when it is needed–my own S needs one, periodically. I’m just saying that the bare facts don’t make it clear to me that one is needed here–particularly if the kid’s work ethic in school is good and he’s getting good grades.</p>
<p>I am hoping that your email will jump start him to get those resumes/applications out for internships! I hear your frustration. I would have done something similar.</p>