My daughter was accepted to Columbia, JHU, and other highly competitive colleges. She started at Columbia and quickly realized she had made the wrong choice for her. The physical (and perhaps the social) environmental, not the academic fit was wrong.
When she reapplied to University of Washington only and none of the West Coast LACs, we questioned her choice. Fast forward to the present: she is very happy. She’s part of a humanities community, she really likes the Classics department and her professors, and she lives in an apartment with her best friend. The campus is beautiful and green. She has the space and privacy she needs when she wants it. The icing on the cake is that because she’s happy, her grades have remained high.
Trust your daughter with her choice. Likely she understands her needs best.
I would ask her why she chose Auburn over the other schools- not to judge her decision, but to get the answers that you want. I would make it clear that you will be happy as long as she is happy, but you are curious to learn what drove her to her final decision.
FYI my own daughter turned down Vanderbilt before she even heard back- because the interviewer would not stop pushing her to join Greek life and would not stop talking about how much fun her own experience was.
As I mentioned earlier, once you see her thrive in college and beyond, you will be happy with her choice.
I think we all need to understand (myself included) that there comes a time when they make their own choices. What happens if she picks a major that you don’t like? A career that you feel isn’t good enough?
Neither of my kids chose where I wanted. My son was Purdue engineering with merit but chose Alabama. Crazy. But for him it works. Works for my wallet too. Will work for yours.
This girl …see link…chose Auburn over Yale. Kids don’t necessarily see pedigree and prestige. They see comfort.
Love your child. The cream rises. No matter where you go. She’ll have a chance to be a star instead of one of many top kids. Your retirement will be a little richer too. Or $$ saved for grad school.
Congrats to her on making the right choice for HER and not mom. Btw. This happens every day. I had a server in Knoxville who chose UTK over northwestern. My daughters bff at college of Charleston got into Rice, Vandy and Penn. chose where he, not his family, wanted.
My daughter had a choice between three Women’s colleges, our state flagship honors program, and several other schools. Two offered her a full tuition scholarship. One, a seven sister’s school, was about the same cost as our flagship.
She picked the smallest and lowest ranked Women’s college for some reason. We knew she wanted a smaller school, but I was concerned that this school might not exist for her full four years! She couldn’t ever tell us why she picked that school. I felt that she was selecting it solely based on cost, because she is very thoughtful.
I had a talk with her and told her that I would prefer that she attend the seven sisters school as it would provide her with the best education. After that discussion, she was happy to go there.
She graduated last May and was grateful for the experience. She majored in English and one of her professors was able to assist her in getting a job with a top literary agent.
If you feel that she might have made the choice because of her perception of what her parents wanted, or simply for the wrong reasons, I’d have a discussion with her to talk it out. My daughter was pretty paralyzed by the whole process, and I think she needed some adult guidance.
I’m another one who chose a school that was not as selective as my parents thought I might attend. And although there was puzzlement at my choice, my parents came to see how I thrived in college and how it was a fabulous experience for me and ended up being very glad I chose it.
I do think it’s fair for you to ask your daughter for her reasons for selecting Auburn, not in an accusatory or leading manner, but out of curiosity and seeking to understand. If there are reasons that you have concerns about (a significant other attending, or the lowest cost, or whatever) then I would let her know that you will support her whatever decision she makes, but that you have the money saved up and are happy to spend more, or whatever the various issues are that raise your concern.
At no point, however, would I make negative remarks about the quality of the experience at Auburn. It’s a fine institution beloved by many. But if she doesn’t have housing locked up, perhaps bring that up as an issue. But make sure you are supportive of HER and her decisions. You can make sure she’s thought about various issues, but do not leave her in any doubt that you want what is going to make her happiest and most successful as a person (see @CMA22’s post for what I mean by successful). And once she is firmly decided, don’t mention the other school options again.
My DD chose her college on APRIL 30 the year she matriculated. I actually didn’t talk to her about it at all until we were on the way there to move her in (cross country plane ride…lots of time). The matriculation decision had been made…and she shared her thoughts with me on that plane ride. She made a very good decision based on HER observations of her top two choices.
We never questioned this while the decisions were being made…but we did make it clear that we would gladly listen and answer questions, if there were any.
You can’t let it go because you are grieving, and that’s okay. You are smart enough to allow her to make the choice, and you aren’t protesting, but you are sad because it isn’t how you thought this would be and this isn’t how you even expected it to feel.
Adulting is hard on parents, too. hang in there, and no, you aren’t crazy.
Aw, I like this compassionate response. I liked CMA22’s response for its practicality without judgment, covered all the bases, but I was waiting to hear someone validate this parent’s feelings. I would feel the same as she does in these circumstances and wouldn’t want to be chastised for it, but then I would probably talk to a close friend, not the internet :). So to the OP, put me in your validation column, I feel ya.
Adding on to greenbutton’s compassionate response, I imagine that after supporting your daughter through what I’m sure was a rigorous high school experience and college application process, you became invested in her choice, how could you not? And I get that there’s a part of you that values the prestige that she’s passing up. While I agree with some of these very sensible and practical responses and I’m sure they’ll resonate in time, it’s ok to feel how you feel.
Your daughter is a top student, she invested a lot of time and energy in HS, you have the money for a more prestigious school, you identify as the parent of a top student…and she chose a “regular” school.
It’s going to be hard at first. Four months from now when you tell people she goes to Auburn, you are going to be tempted to add that she turned down Vanderbilt. Adding that last piece of info will make her/your identity continue.
A year from now I have a hunch you will be saying…she goes to Auburn, and she’s doing this, presenting that, traveling here, has a great research position etc. It takes time to grieve what you thought might happen.
Suddenly her school won’t matter …because her accomplishments will define her, not the school.
As long as the money is fine which you state wasn’t an issue at any of the schools then it has to be the right fit for your daughter. It may baffle you and it may bother you but now you must support that decision. I had a friend and his parents told him he could go anywhere and money wasn’t an issue. He applied and got into Harvard. He also got in Rice full ride. His parents then told him he had to go to Rice. He argued and lost. He went to Rice and they bought a car for themselves. He saw what happened there. Today he is married with children and lives on the opposite coast from his parents. He had zero contact and they don’t know why. The relationship became strained over the college experience.
If she sees the school as the right fit for her and financially it is the right fit for the family then with her rejoice. If you are interested it is fine to ask her what is special to her about the university she has chosen. Ask out of interest and not judgment for your own knowledge about your daughter.
Thanks for sharing and I can definitely understand your disappointment. There are a bunch of viewpoints shared, but I think you’re the only person who can determine the right path forward.
Truly listening to her reasons (true listening defined as listening with the intent of having your mind and perspective changed rather than listening to try and figure out a way to show her why your perspective is right) is definitely the way to go.
I also think you know your daughter the best. Is she apt to make rash decisions? Given the schools that she got into, she seems like she has a good head on her shoulders. Has she considered your concerns? Ultimately, I agree that it’s her decision AS LONG as she can provide a rational reason why. You don’t have to agree with her reasons, but if they’re solid, I would advise respecting them.
I speak from experience when I say that she will have a bright future if she’s able to articulate her reasons and stay staunch in her decision. Thirty plus years ago, I made a decision to go to UVA instead of an Ivy League school despite my parent’s protests.
Today, my closest friends and relationships are from that decision I made, I’m independently wealthy, have a great relationship with my family, etc.
She’ll do great! … However, if UNC wins the NCAA tournament, then she should definitely go to UNC!!! j/k.
Parents have a vision for their kids as much as the kids do. Some is how they see the kids at their schools, some is how they see themselves relating to others about their kids’ decisions. A number of friends have gotten pretty wound up as their kids have chosen non-Ivies over Ivies, etc. And to be fair, the parents had done a lot over the years to ensure that those “premium” options would be available to their kids so were understandably shocked/disappointed to discover that that when they had them, the kids didn’t want them!
I would have a candid conversation with your D with the goal of understanding her decision and articulating why you had imagined something different for her. It shouldn’t be about changing her mind or making her feel guilty for not following “your plan”. This is an interesting time in the parent child relationship as it becomes one between adults but where there is still dependence and control. Ideally, you can become a trusted advisor for her as she navigates the next stage of her life, and this is an old to do a bit of a reset/readjustment.
I agree that it’s hard to see your child make a choice that you would not have made, but it sounds like you are OK with her making her own choice even if you are struggling and, to me, that means you are far ahead of where we were when our son chose the military over what we, even today, think were better college choices, especially as he is our only and turned his back on our alma mater breaking the family chain. Though easy on our wallet, his choice confounded us and, for a while, we didn’t know how to process it or what to say about it to others.
So, I get it. But, as posted several times above, this choice of hers will get her anywhere she wants to go. There is no downside. As @twogirls advised above, please resist the urge to ever mention to anyone what she turned down. It’s irrelevant and will reflect poorly on you. (Ask me how I know.) I think it’s valid for you to ask with interest and no judgement how she came to her conclusion and keep a gentle interest-only conversation going. You never know, her decision may not be carved in stone yet, and she may be open to hearing any points you want to make. But if, in the end, she’s truly made her choice, embrace it, embrace her, and don’t look back. She will thrive best where she feels she fits best.
Our son is three years out of college now and enjoying a very satisfying life even though he’s conscripted for six more years. We still shake our heads privately, but he made the right choice for himself in spite of us. It’s easy to say even if it’s hard to hear, but it really is all about them and not about us. Hugs to you as you get to that better place. You will.
Haven’t read the entire thread. We’ve had friends who are upset with their kids choices. It’s often a case of parents who didn’t attend college or who went to a good college but want "only the best " for their kids ( whatever that means). Prestige can be difficult for parents and kids to address. For every kid who wants to be in a school that challenges them there is another who just wants to wear the sweatshirt. If you actually saw the other two schools as a better fit, well, then that’s very different. You could discuss why she chose that school.
Sounds like your daughter made her best decision and that’s great. I’m sure there are valid reasons she chose Auburn. Do you know what they are?
She’s not basing her college choice on following a significant other, is she? (That’s the one instance in which I think more strenuous parental objection can be warranted!)
I can understand your feelings, but I also really respect kids who are confident and self-aware enough to buck the prestige pressure. Those qualities will serve her well no matter where she goes!
As parents, it’s important for us to realize that our kids are not us and can have different perspectives. At the end of D22’s college visits last year, we discussed which colleges were her top choices and why. Then she asked us, her parents, what we would have picked as our top choice from her list if we were going to college now. Interestingly all three of us had different choices. It was a fun exercise in figuring out the reasons behind our college choice.
