What to do with my disappointment

Parents Forum
1

<p>I guess I'm just looking to vent and commiserate with my fellow parents. I'm not a new poster. I signed up under a different name because I didn't want my daughter's college to be identified. (I hope the mods don't come after me! :D)</p>

<p>I know it was a tough year, probably the toughest so far. But I was still unprepared for the rejections my daughter received. She was denied from all three of her reaches. Thankfully, she was offered a spot at a large, decent OOS public that is giving her scholarship money. It's affordable to us and has a good department in her intended major. My daughter is content. I am the one who is bitter! I pictured her at these other colleges, and I am very disappointed that it is not to be. </p>

<p>I know that I probably got overinvolved in her college process. I know that she is the one who is going away to college, not me. I know I will get over it in time, I hope soon. But I feel jealous when I see threads like "Duke vs. Northwestern?" or "UNC vs. UVa?" (I know...I know: So don't read those threads! I'm trying not to.)</p>

<p>Is anyone else out there licking their wounds?</p>

2

<p>You're doing the right thing.</p>

<p>You're coming here to express your disappointment.</p>

<p>Please don't express it to your daughter. She is doing exactly what she should be doing right now -- focusing on the college that she will be attending rather than those that rejected her. That's very healthy.</p>

<p>For what it's worth, my son is a student at a public university that has a good department in his major. He is happy there and has found plenty of friends and surprisingly good internships and research opportunities. If your daughter's experience is anything like my son's, she will be fine.</p>

3

<p>My d is in exactly the same position - rejection or WL at her 3 reaches. I feel almost like I am the portrait of Dorian Gray - she's calm & considering her other (very good) options, and I'm the one who's disappointed.</p>

<p>I hope the feelings will fade as we all get excited about her final choice, and see how it all works out. By this time next year, I'm hoping to feel wonderful about her choice!</p>

4

<p>It will pass and you will become excited and invested in your D's college. I had these feelings last year. My D was WL at her reaches but got into her matches and safeties and made an excellent choice and is EXTREMLEY happy. Looking back at it, those WL were a blessing. She is at the perfect place for her major and her outside interests and has tapped into several new passions/interests she didn't know she had. I know it stings. We know we should remain detached through this process, but that is easier said than done. Best of luck, and this too shall pass.</p>

5

<p>I feel the same way. For now, try to avoid those threads, and instead seek the spirit and excitement on the "large, decent OOS public" forum/website/community. It's what I'm doing. Try not to think about what is already over--when your daughter gets to campus, it will be much easier to forget.</p>

6

<p>Please keep in mind that the rejection is actually part of the process - part of growth - and you have all indicated that they are from 'reaches' - not the matches. It certainly sounds like they have gotten into good schools - 'matches' - that do exactly that - match the student. Your students appear to be happy about this acceptance - be happy for them. </p>

<p>Your disappointment is yours to hold onto - but don't give it away to your students - be happy - be proud - start making the ''off to college'' plans - enjoy this time with your students and 'don't worry - be happy' - will take you far :) It will pass.</p>

7

<p>I agree--don't let your daughter know you are disappointed. Try to act really excited, even if you aren't. My family refuses to get excited for me, because they are very disappointed. I am just trying to move on, and it's not helping that they are not.</p>

8

<p>Venting to other parents here is a good idea. I know exactly how you feel. You want the best for your daughter: it's not a character flaw! Luckily she has a good choice and is in good spirits, and you are wise enough to hide your disappointment from her.</p>

<p>My son will be applying in the fall. I had to stop reading the "chance me" threads and retreat to the parents' forums because simply reading the incredible statistics and activities claimed by kids in some of the Ivy League forums was making me feel that my poor child wouldn't stand a chance of getting in anywhere he would actually like to go, much less one of the Ivies or elite LACs he's interested in.</p>

<p>It sounds like your daughter is a well-balanced individual who is on the path to a satisfying life. Congratulations, and keep your chin up!</p>

9

<p>I'm sure in your head you know that you need to let it go but your heart is still feeling like it was a personal rejection. It's really not. Yes, there are lots of kids here getting to choose among the dream schools. Don't read'm! </p>

<p>Every time you feel that stab of disappointment, immediately try to "redirect" your thoughts toward all the positives about your D's accomplishmnets.<br>
1) the very best thing is that your D is content with her school...that is after all the most important thing
2) Be proud that this school wanted your D enough to offer her scholarship money...let her know that you're proud of this .
3) Spend time getting to know her school and soon hopefully the negative thoughts will be replaced by the excitement of all the opportunites and choices that lie ahead for your D. </p>

<p>Get on her schools website and read it from front to back, not just the academic stuff. You will find all kinds of interesting stuff you probably never knew. Even if you're not into sports check out some of the sports teams. Read up on the history of it. Look under student activities and see what's going on there. Read the student newspaper online. The more knowledge you have of the place and envsioning your D there will make you feel more and more attached to it. Order yourself a school t-shirt and wear it around town. Get the window decal for your car. You will get over your disappointment soon.</p>

10

<p>My dad had a tough time dealing with the college I ended up at - he had his heart set on Harvard or Yale. He got over it, but it took about a year before he realized how good a fit the school I was at was for me and how many opportunities I had there. I'm glad you are not letting her daughter see how disappointed you are, but I do understand how you feel. You just can't understand why those colleges didn't see how wonderful and unique your daughter is. Fortunately, it sounds like her school does appreciate what they'll be getting and really wants her to attend. Just think - in a few months you'll be hearing about her new friends, what she's learning in her classes, places around campus that she's discovered. And when you go to visit her, she'll have so much to show you. It will all work out.</p>

11

<p>A year ago, after S was rejected from all of his reaches, I felt exactly the same as you. What helped me was to accompany him on his "accepted students" visits; after that, I never looked back. S is very happy where he is, very challenged with his academic work, and now I believe that it is a blessing that he didn't get in to his reach choices.</p>

12

<p>Surely there are many things your D admires about you; and now the tables have turned. It's your turn to admire and appreciate your D for her resiliance, optimism, realism. THese are the character attributes that will help her thrive in her life beyond college. This week, she is teaching and guiding you.</p>

<p>Others posting have touched on how you'll fall in love with her life at her new college by next fall, if not sooner. </p>

<p>My eldest's Ivy rejections/WL's were hard to take b/c this was the first time he'd ever really had to process disappointments, after being such an accomplished high school student. He processed it, and went on to love his second-choice. He wrote to us in October, "if I'd known how happy I'd be here, and how right it is for me, it would have been my first choice all along." </p>

<p>His path led him into the performing arts and today he must process rejections every week, along with each acceptance, in about a 10:1 ratio, week-in and week-out. That's the warp-and-woof of a working actor's life. Others fall away after a year or two after college, but he's still able to handle rejection as a matter of course, a necessary feeling, the "overhead" of doing business in the craft of acting. He takes nothing personally, understands it all as "rightness of fit" and now in his 2nd year post-B.A. is gaining momentum all the time. He simply auditions until he gets cast and because he NEVER gets down, he always gets cast eventually to create a continuously-performing schedule. There are many opportunities to audition, as long as one doesn't waste time begin upset between auditions. As one show comes down, he's scheduled for the next to go up. It's no problem at all.</p>

<p>Your D's response to her first big experience with rejection demonstrates she'll have a very bright future, no matter her profession. The point is that the character-honing that MUST occur sometime in a person's life is inevitable, necessary, saddening, but ultimately for the good. I don't mean to condescend at all; it's dumb to give consolation that says, "your bad feelings mask what's to be embraced..." so give yourself time. In the meantime, pat yourself on the back for not downloading any of it onto your D while your own feelings mend (I heard you,0 Mallomar...). </p>

<p>And your anger at the rejecting colleges is part of the grief process: shock,
denial, anger, sorrow/mourning, integration/acceptance. You can't get to that great final<br>
stage of integration/acceptance without experiencing all the preceding steps. </p>

<p>Me, I always take a hot bath to move from one step to the next; sometimes it helps. </p>

<p>As to your original question, "Is anyone out there licking their wounds" well yes, actually I am. For our youngest this year: 5 rejections, 1 acceptance into a different major, 1 exciting acceptance across-the-country where we never imagined he'd be, 1
still unheard-from but not as good as the cross-country...</p>

<p>So I'm also getting my head around the unpictured image, researching more about the exciting place, getting used to it. My youngest S is so pleased to be "in" somewhere
very good that he doesn't seem to be thinking at ALL about the reject letters. I'm trying to copy his wisdom. So you're NOT alone!!!!</p>

13

<p>You are a lucky man, but you do not know it. Your daughter is going to college. Most people in this world do not have a chance to go.She is happy going there, this is wonderful. She is also going to a good school and you do not have to pay much. You will be able to afford to retire unlike all of these parents who are going to pay $200,000 for their kids college.</p>

14

<p>This might sound like a weird analogy but when I design, my best work comes when I 'let go' of my emotional investment in one form or another. Last week I went to see a film called 'Sketches of Frank Gehry' and he said the exact same thing--he doesn't mind if a design isn't accepted because that rejection gives him a chance to do the design process again. He loves the sensation of 'letting go' so much that he often has difficulty finishing a project. </p>

<p>My S1 didn't get into his reach school but by the grace of God (and not much research on his part), he ended up at a fantastic school with a deep bench in his department, working under phenomenal scholars, with some fantastic internships that turned into paid staff positions. Somehow, I doubt he would have had these experiences at his dream school. I doubt he would have stumbled into philosophy classes at his dream school. He might not have discovered that aspect of his intellect. He would have been one of many on a similar track.</p>

<p>Even though it initially pained me to see him disappointed (I would be booted from Boomer Camp if I had been pleased to see him endure a character building session ;) ), I can honestly say that 'letting go' of preconceieved notions was the best thing for his particular life. He's built a lovely independent spirit that is a reflection of his offbeat path.</p>

<p>S2 got hit by lightning and got into a reach school. He's not thinking about it because he's travelling (thank heavens--the media coverage is too much). Meanwhile, I'm having reverse 'letting go ' problems. I almost feel that he missed out on the play of chance. When he is one of a similar many, will he be prodded to rise to the same intellectual heights as his brother?</p>

<p>Funny thing, life.</p>

15

<p>In real life, only small percent of graduates came from top tier school. A few years after entering work place, for most cases, I doubt it matter much any more.</p>

16

<p>I know exactly how OP feels. It has been two years and I still can't get over a rejection. I feel that it was me who failed. I gave wrong advice. He should have applied SCEA. My son and wife yell at me whenever I bring that school and what we should have done different.</p>

<p>The irony is that my son is very happy where he is and I am very happy too, but.....</p>

17

<p>I think we should all keep this in perspective... most of all it's just an undergraduate degree. It's important to remember that ultimately our kids success or failure will depend on what they do in the working world. I hope they all live "healthy and happy" lives.</p>

18

<p>I just can't get that wrapped up in my children's college choices/acceptances/rejections, etc. I love my children very much bu it is their life, not mine.</p>

<p>My daughter is happy with her acceptance. It was the only school she applied to that accepted her but it was her top choice, and she got into the major she wanted. I'm very happy for her and proud of her but I see no point in being disappointed, bitter, whatever over anything else that did/did not happen. Life's too short.</p>

<p>All that matters is that your daughter is content with her situation. If so, then it seems too great a waste of emotional energy to get upset about something over which you have no control.</p>

19

<p>All that is true, but it still doesn't stop the feelings you get when you see someone else with the knowing smile, sticker, congratulations, sweatshirt, diploma of the prestigious/dream school.</p>

20

<p>But Mallo - it is the parent - not the student - who is feeling this disappointment - the student seems to be fine with the choices available.</p>