<p>My daughter’s roommate had plenty of common decency. D was actually more annoyed that she left the window open when it was cold outside than the fact that she had her long-term boyfriend spend the night. Spend the night does not equal sex with daughter in the room.</p>
<p>^i agree</p>
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<p>i just personally don’t think it seems indecent for a roommate to have her boyfriend sleep in the room as long as i had met him/knew him. i’ve slept in the same room as many of my guy friends and have had co-ed sleepovers, and it just doesn’t seem that big of a deal to me and most of my friends. i am just trying to explain how most college kids view the situation, i’m not saying that one view is right and the other is wrong.</p>
<p>"And it’s up to mothers (and fathers) to teach their daughters (and sons) common decency in matters of intimacy and interaction with other people. Sadly, it appears that hasn’t happened for these college kids. "</p>
<p>What adult choose to do frequently bears no resemblance to how they were brought up.</p>
<p>Also, as post #102 indicates, many students don’t think it’s a big deal if the roommate’s romantic partner sleeps over as long as the couple isn’t coupling. Your idea of “basic decency” may differ greatly from what most college students view as decent.</p>
<p>What’s important – as many of us have said – is for the roommates to set and follow mutually agreeable rules.</p>
<p>I’m really amused by the poster who suggests that if the roommate (if for some unlikely reason) is bothered by the boyfriend sleeping over every night, that they talk, then go “to the RA” and ask to switch roommates…ha, ha! </p>
<p>Do you actually think you’ll get many takers? Getting stuck with a roommate who is disrespectful and callous enough to have her bf sleep over every night is one thing, but going into it with both eyes open? Yeh, sure, I’ll sign up to have a third party in my room every night, doin’ it in the next bed. I don’t need my privacy including getting dressed every morning.</p>
<p>ah, the old roommate issue. Been there, done that. Son was dealing with a similar situation during his freshman year, first semester. After several weeks of dealing with this nonsense, he decided he had enough and moved. Good luck.</p>
<p>"Sleep"overs aside, I find it hard to believe that most people wouldn’t consider having sex in front of someone else (who has not volunteered to stay and ‘watch/listen’) beyond the scope of common decency and respect! I think for the most part, we aren’t talking about those who ‘have no problem with it’; we’re talking about people who quite understandably have a problem being put in that situation and have not volunteered to be party to any such arrangement. </p>
<p>I’m not paying $20,000 for my D to be subjected to a live peep show! And I absolutely agree that the student needs to try to handle things on their own (thru talking w/roommate, RA, etc.), but I won’t apologize for stepping in when my D’s well-being is involved! </p>
<p>A ‘helicopter’ parent interjects themselves unwarranted and unwanted into their child’s college life without giving them ample opportunity to handle things themselves, as adults. But let’s not forget that these ‘adults’ are on their own for the very first time in their lives, barely fit the legal definition of ‘adult’, and oftentimes just don’t have the tools to cope with certain situations without assistance/guidance.</p>
<p>Regardless of whether you believe this behavior is right or wrong, the issue is that one room mate feels very uncomfortable with this situation. It is her room, her home away from home. She has a right to say this makes me uncomfortable and to ask her room mate to not have an overnight guest. There should be an agreed to room mate contract worked out with the RA.</p>
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Actually, the phrase I used was “common decency,” but no matter.</p>
<p>My post referred to the issue of 2 people having sex while a roommate is present in the room. My hunch is, if we were to poll everyone in the country right now, between the ages of…let’s say 16 and 90, we’d have an overwhelmingly clear and compelling decision on what common decency is, in the case of 2 people having sex while an (uninvolved) third person is right there with them in the room.</p>
<p>As another poster recently asked, what adults do you know who would think this was acceptable when rooming together on a business trip? Or a getaway vacation with friends? Or in their homes while a long-term guest was visiting? </p>
<p>It’s bizarre and inappropriate behavior by almost any adult’s standards, and the fact that a certain percentage of 18-22 year olds feel that it’s ok persuades me not at all.</p>
<p>“My post referred to the issue of 2 people having sex while a roommate is present in the room. My hunch is, if we were to poll everyone in the country right now, between the ages of…let’s say 16 and 90, we’d have an overwhelmingly clear and compelling decision on what common decency is, in the case of 2 people having sex while an (uninvolved) third person is right there with them in the room.”</p>
<p>It’s a moot point. Virtually everyone on this thread – including me – has indicated it’s not acceptable to have sex with a roommate in the room. You’re beating a dead horse.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, the OP hasn’t returned. For all we know, it was a one time event, no sex occurred, and the roommates have worked out mutually acceptable ground rules.</p>
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<p>Actually, no. Quite a few posts have argued that there’s nothing wrong with this practice … UNLESS the 3rd person objects. That’s quite different from what you’re claiming has been the response.</p>
<p>I should clarify: I think that overwhelmingly the PARENTS posting on this thread have stated it’s not acceptable to have sex while a roommate is in one’s room. Some students have stated otherwise. I ignore such posts on a parents board.</p>
<p>For the record, my own son had to deal with a freshman roommate who’d sometimes come in drunk in the middle of the night and have sex with a girl. S was disgusted, but told me that since the roommate had followed the one rule that S felt had to be enforced – no liquor or drugs in the room (S could have lost his merit aid if such contrabound was found there) – S did not talk to the roommate about having sex in the room.</p>
<p>In fact, S didn’t talk to his roommate at all. Roommate was totally disgusting – left nasty, sweat-soaked clothes all over the floor for weeks at a time; lost his room key and left their door unlocked for most of the year, so S had to carry his valuables around all of the time.</p>
<p>There was no way to switch rooms, so S just dealt with it – made lots of friends, spent time with ECs, did all of his studying in the library, only used his room to change clothes and sleep. Despite all of this roommate hassle, S was on Dean’s List and had an overall happy year. Never expected me to intervene.</p>
<p>After freshman year, S had wonderful roommates whom he chose himself, and he never spoke to his former roommate again.</p>
<p>The few students who are saying it are saying it to bug you, anyway.</p>
<p>They’re having fun with you, sad to say.</p>
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<p>Sorry, alamode, but I think you may be projecting your beliefs onto your peers here. I believe there are young women who are thrust into these types of situations by their roommates and do feel uncomfortable, but who are afraid or otherwise unwilling to make a big deal about it. They may feel uncomfortable about saying no and potentially creating animosity that will last all year, or worry about the social consequences when word gets out that they complained to the RA. If Ive learned anything in my 47 years, its that the majority of people will just put up with a bad situation rather than complain or take action. </p>
<p>Im not being a prude here I fully understand that many (perhaps most) college students are engaging in consensual sex and much of that activity is taking place in dorm rooms. I had several frank discussions with my son on this subject before he left home and Im under no illusions about him. I dont have an issue with roommates coming to an agreement to allow one to reasonably vacate the room in order for the other to have some alone time with their partner, and I also dont have a problem with opposite-sex sleepovers when one roommate is not going to be there. Single-sex double or triple rooms are simply not designed for cohabitation with an additional person - if a young man or woman wants to start sleeping regularly with a partner, they should look for a more appropriate living arrangement.</p>
<p>I think you’re very much right, jaydee. I am beginning to think there should have been a mandatory assertiveness training class in high school in preparation for college. It is desperately needed.</p>
<p>The issue of opposite sex sleepovers was the first thing my roommate and I really fought over (and only one of two things, thankfully). We were eventually able to come to a compromise that she could accept, but I could never convince her to give me a heads up before she let the boys in in the morning so I could get dressed real quick. Modesty was not allowed. For me to still be in bed, or in my pajamas with my bed unmade, with boys in the room just feels so wrong but apparently it was too big of a deal to just tell me she wanted to let some friends in and have them sit in the hall for two minutes while I threw some jeans on and straightened my blanket. She slept in her underwear and by February I’d given up and stopped extending the courtesy to her. I don’t know whether she just didn’t care or what because she would never complain no matter what I did. I went well out of my way to make sure nothing I did would bother her but there were times I knew she was annoyed and I would ask her if I was bothering her because I would change whatever it was if she was annoyed and she would never admit it. I didn’t get it. We weren’t friends anyway, nor was I friends with any of her friends and neither of us were friends with the girls in our hall, she had nothing to lose. So then when I had a problem I was always the bad guy because I was the only one that ever complained. She was the same way with her friends. She really had a problem with one of the girls, and it was a legitimate problem, but wouldn’t say anything and wouldn’t stop associating with her. So she just complained about her behind her back for hours on end every day and stressed herself out about it while refusing to say anything to the girl.</p>
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<p>Not sure if this is to me, specifically, but if so…I’m not bugged in the least. I find it fun to debate these kinds of issues and don’t have a problem with other viewpoints…just with sloppy thinking and invalid arguments.</p>
<p>Hmmm. The roommate is immature. But it’s the daughter’s place to deal with it. She’s an adult. In college. Mom has to just be a “listener/advisor” when asked. Nothing more. </p>
<p>I know it’s hard. But time to let go. Your daughter is going to face tougher relationship issues. Better start learning how to deal with them now. </p>
<p>Roommates are just that - some become best friends, others are just ships that pass in the night. No harm. No foul. </p>
<p>The boy in the room issue, though. Kind of gross. She should put her foot down OR have both the boy and the roommate thrown out. Talking to the dorm head, and then the dean, is a good place to start. But only after she’s tried to solve the problem herself.</p>
<p>You CANNOT call the school or the other parent. The former will tag your daughter as incapable of handling her affairs. The latter will cause more grief to your daughter from the roommate and peers.</p>
<p>Coach her on how to get out of it. But you stay out of it beyond that. Otherwise, your daughter needs to come back to a local school and live at home.</p>
<p>“She should put her foot down OR have both the boy and the roommate thrown out. Talking to the dorm head, and then the dean, is a good place to start.”</p>
<p>I highly doubt the school would throw out the boy and the girl because the boy spent the night in the girl’s room.</p>
<p>If this happened just once, it would be overkill to go to the RA or dean without trying to work things out first with the roommate.</p>
<p>This type of thing happened all the time when I went to school in the dark ages. Of course it is happening now. The roommates that I shared some of these negotiations with in the 80’s are now either cherished friends or in some cases not so cherished. (Heck some of us even married our overnight guests) And at times we had very vocal disagreements on late hours/drinking/sex. This is all normal young adult behavior. Boyfriend/Girlfriend sleepovers are going to happen. It should be no surprise to any parent or student. </p>
<p>Roommates will drink and stay out late. And they will bring guests into the room. </p>
<p>It sounds like your daughter is just going through the normal adjustment to college. Yes it is frustrating but it is something that your daughter needs to learn from as part of her path to adulthood. </p>
<p>In my opinion, at this stage, you should listen. Only ask advice if specifically requested. AND most important, relax. These are opportunities for your daughter to learn independence from you, to learn, to grow, and to handle her own problems.</p>
<p>" I am beginning to think there should have been a mandatory assertiveness training class in high school in preparation for college. It is desperately needed."</p>
<p>It is only needed because as parents we are not allowing them the freedom we were allowed in high school to fail, to make mistakes, and to correct our own issues. This is a parental issue more than anything. How do we prepare our children to become adults as opposed to super students?</p>
<p>When I was in college, the grad resident head of our dorm got a call from parents of a young woman (A) on my hall. Seems her roommate (B) had an overnight guest over Thanksgiving weekend. While this took place, Roommate A was at home 80 miles away with her parents! The RH asked me if there had been any issues with Roommate B bringing over guests, and honestly, I had never seen her with a guy. She always had a stack of books and kept to herself.</p>
<p>The following year, I was an RA on another floor and my roommate brought home a guy the night before my German final. (Both were smashed.) Had to have “that” chat with her. Told her I knew that I was in the room a lot and that it was hard to the be roommate of an RA, so if she ever needed privacy, let me know and I’d make myself scare. She had no idea what I was talking about. Had to tell her what she had done the night before. :O</p>