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<p>About a month ago it was me reading the fine print buried in the school’s website to find out what happens when they don’t do well. At son’s school, under a 2.0 is academic probation BUT they have to pass at least 9 hours to stay in school at all.</p>
<p>I’m not fond of dorm living, wasn’t fond of it 3.5 decades ago when I lived in the dorm freshman year. That said kids that have coping skills do find ways to live in a dorm, share space, deal with the noise and manage to stay in school. There are plenty of wonderful spots on every college campus in the US to go to study and get work done if the dorm is too noisy. The bad roommates can be dealt with utilizing the system. My oldest chose the “other” freshman dorm for his freshman year, it was at the opposite end of the campus from the popular freshman dorm but it was still crazy and he was happy to move off-campus as a sophomore. I would have been more afraid if my student was picking dorms because they wanted to be in the thick of the freshman “fun” dorm than if they are asking to be in a quieter space with a mix of kids. Remember age is really relative in college, typical freshman run the spectrum of 17-20 so the “mix” of upper class and freshman is not age limiting. My S2 is vocal about not wanting to be in a popular “freshman” dorm. Each campus we toured he was turned off by the popular freshman dorm and more interested in whatever alternative that college offered.</p>
<p>Kajon: It really depends on the kid. Some people are naturally bookworms and geeks and not all that interested in making 25 friends in a week inside of a messy noisy and wild dorm. Some of those will live in the dorms in a shared room and adjust, studying in the library, a quiet study room in the dorm, or empty classrooms or even the cafeteria. BUT…some kids will NOT adjust and be miserable, confused, angry and have major problems with that social scenario. </p>
<p>I do recommend the experience, but with caution. My D1 had to learn to adjust (and yes, she had a very peculiar roommate freshman year who had a visiting boyfriend from another college from time to time which made it extremely awkward…I gave that girl a glare to kill when we picked our D up to move out at the end of Freshman year and once when we were up there to help her get on her feet during her illness). She adjusted and found “birds of a feather” …people like her who take studying seriously, who like their professors, like going to class and regard learning not as a chore or forced experience, but a privilege and something fun to do. One of those friends became her steady boyfriend. They now compete for grades and spend their time together not kanooodling under the sheets but in the study hall of the dorm (upperclassmen dorms are MUCH quieter…like apartments really) picking at each other about who is smarter or who has harder classes…then they proof read each other’s papers and try to find as many mistakes as they can…its a game. </p>
<p>Singles can be quieter…but don’t forget, that singles are often next door to doubles and sometimes triples too…or at a minimum, just down the hall in another wing…so the noise still carries to some extent. Being alone when you are confused and have problems is not the answer. </p>
<p>You really have to examine the character and culture of the school and the freshmen dorms. Stay away…no…run away from the animal house dorms if you can. Select the more studious dorms (well…that is often a hyped up brochure…and reality is often different…but its better than animal house). </p>
<p>We spoke to our D1 on the phone, or txting often…annoying as it was for her. We got to know her friends. We stayed involved…but also gave her some leeway. We “encouraged” her to get to bed before 200am, though I am certain that was ignored often enough. We made it clear: you get ONE bite at the apple. Blow it and you are on your own. And we encouraged her to work through problems, see administration officials when necessary (and she got to know some powerful deans in the process who love her to death now), and also learn to accept people for who they are…even if you don’t participate in their behavior. </p>
<p>Students who had extreme OCD mothers were often the ones who misbehaved the most, or overbearing fathers…or abusive fathers. </p>
<p>Kids in dorms will gather and ‘blame the parents’ for everything going wrong in their lives. So learn to roll with the criticisms. When we visited (New York), we took her and her buddies out for supper and had “adult time” with them…which they soaked up like sponges. We didn’t hover. When she “hit the wall in January” and got really sick, we helped her on her feet, but also reinforced the basic principles of “this is life and its up to you to pull it together, work through your problems and weird roommates.”</p>
<p>Sophomore year was a breeze. Except for the snoring roommate. This year is a delight…top of her game and preparing the “exit strategy”…i.e. graduation plans and looking at graduate schools. </p>
<p>So WE did not opt for the single. In fact she has an on campus “apartment” with several other females this year complete with kitchen and living spaces. We believe she has learned to deal with conflict better, become less self centered and how to optimize her situation.</p>
<p>D2 is heading off to college next year. A horse of a different color so to speak. And we will have a different strategy likely as “events develop.”</p>
<p>shelly14. each school is different and each situation is different. Read your child’s student handbook, particularly the part on hearings/due process etc.
And usually appeals are offered but they only turn the decisions around if new evidence is offered or if a student’s rights (as the college views them, not as society views an adult’s rights) weren’t protected.
In other words, it is usually sudden from a parent’s perspective. Colleges don’t share that a hearing is taking place, it is up to the student to notify the parent.</p>
<p>Off topic, but ghostbuster I couldn’t agree more…sophomore year is just so peaceful… love it as I’m sure next year will be drama redux. I’ll have a senior freaking out and a freshman to worry about. I better take my vitamin C.</p>
<p>What about choosing a substance free or quiet dorm? I have seen on other threads students recommending against those living choices - I guess because of the ‘nerd’ or ‘geek’ reputation? Is that true?
My daughter is doing a gap year this year so will be 19.5 years old when she gets to college next fall. She knows that she needs sleep so wants to be in a quieter dorm and probably on a single sex floor. She is a boarding school grad so has 4 years of dorm living but in a much more supervised/regulated environment.</p>
<p>“sophomore year is just so peaceful… love it as I’m sure next year will be drama redux.”</p>
<p>S is having a busy, but happy junior year because most of his classes are in his major, which he loves. He is excited, but concerned about senior year because it requires some major projects for his major, and looming throughout that year will be frightening thoughts of The Job Market!</p>
<p>^^oops I meant to say “junior year is so peaceful”…which is where we are with S1. Have hope freshman parents…it does get better after freshman year.</p>
<p>Haha. Sophomore year was a breeze…and relief. Junior year has been a delight…knock on wood it continues. Next year, D1 will be a senior in college and going through grad school application stress and that, as you know, is highly political. I have D2 going to college next year so we are in for an interesting time. They didnt hand out tazers or guide books for parenting when we started, did they?</p>
<p>I must say, it’s such a comfort to read this thread! As we all would probably admit, when you’re going through the situation of our child not doing well at school, you feel very alone and somewhat overwhelmed. I can see I’m not alone. S1 went to a small liberal arts college and although I thought we had prepared him for the college life in terms of stressing the importance of going to class, keeping the partying at a minimum, going to bed at a decent hour, etc., he chose to make really poor decisions about all of these. He did not do well first semester Freshman year and we talked to him about staying home and going to the local CC for second semester, but felt he really wanted to go back and promised he’s turn things around…WRONG!! We mutally decided he would not be returning to the 4 yr. school and he enrolled in the CC. Not sure if he really has figured it out that going to class and doing your assignments on time make a huge difference in your grades or if it was the fact that he was living at home and we made sure he got up (don’t worry, he had to set his alarm and get himself up, we don’t baby him that much) and out of the house every day (I guess he could have gone someplace other than school and we wouldn’t have known until he failed his classes, but he didn’t) but whatever it was, he’s doing so much better. I swear he didn’t spend a total of an hour at the library at the 4 yr. school all year (I could be wrong but if his grades are any indication of the amt. of time he spent in the library, he didn’t even know where it was!!), but this past semester he and a friend would go up to the CC every Sun. and did homework. They had decided they could work at school better than at home with the distractions we have…TV,fridge, Wii, younger brother, etc… and his grades were the best he’s ever had. It’s too early to jump to the conclusion that we’re home-free and he’ll succeed, I’m not that foolish, but I’m happy for now.
S2 is a Sr. in High School, a “horse of a different color” (thank God), and once again we THINK he’s prepared for going away to college but time will tell. I hope and pray this experience will be much different for all of us. I don’t know if I can do this again but I guess I’ll have experience to draw from this time.
I wish everyone the best of luck and hopefully we can all be comforted by the fact that we are not alone and there have been many others in ours, and our children’s, shoes. There are many success stories (and I’m sure just as many that aren’t so successful) and know it’s not the end of the world. We will survive!!</p>
<p>PS I know I’m going to be slammed for this, but it would appear that the majority of the posters in this thread are talking about their sons (not all, but most). It’s well known that boys don’t mature as early as girls and if this thread is any indication, this is certainly true of college Freshman! Maybe more of us (parents of boys) should think about the various gap year options more seriously and perhaps there wouldn’t be so many disappointments/frustrations (I’m reluctant to call them “failures”).</p>
<p>Re: rent. When I graduated from college, I lived at home for about six months. My dad DID charge me a modest rent. I was working and I felt this was reasonable. He put every nickel I paid him into a separate bank account and when I moved out, he gave it all to me for my first apartment away from home. The only “condition” was that I NEVER tell my sisters about it as he planned to do the same thing for each of them. I am the oldest of four (my sisters are half sisters). I have never spoken to them about this and they have never mentioned it either. I’m assuming he did the same for all of us.</p>
<p>I will do the same for my kids. I will collect a modest rent and when they move out they will have a little nest egg to take with them.</p>
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<p>Junior in college? I don’t think I’d be going out on a limb to say that I’m pretty sure there’s some kanoodling going on. :)</p>
<p>I agree however that the isolation of a single is probably not going to work for everyone. The school I went to was on trimesters. First quarter I was in a quad room – giant room/four girls. Almost went insane. Second quarter I was in a double in the nicest dorm but the roommate had a bf who came to visit almost every weekend and he worked in a porn shop. 'nuff said. Third quarter, the only room available on campus was a single in the all girls dorm on the primarily black upper classmen floor. Best move I ever made. I really loved all the girls… and that they were older, I got a lot of inside scoop. But then again, I also went to all girl boarding school and so in a lot of ways, it was probably more familiar.</p>
<p>Re: Parental notification of college student grades</p>
<p>This is prohibited under FERPA, regardless of the age of the student. The right to see education records and to consent to the release of these records transfers to the student from their parents when they turn 18 or when they attend a school beyond the high school level. </p>
<p>[Family</a> Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA)](<a href=“http://www.ed.gov/policy/gen/guid/fpco/ferpa/index.html]Family”>Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA))</p>
<p>IMSA
Not all schools follow this. S’s school sends grades and states in their application info that they do this for all undergraduates, regardless of age, unless the student opts out by proving he/she is financially independent and is not claimed on his parent’s tax return. Apparently it IS legal to do this, for they have done it for years and it is no secret.</p>
<p>It may be they are not held to the same rules as publics. However, many private schools still follow the same guidelines probably just because it is easier. I would encourage every parent to make sure their kid signs a waiver so that grades can be sent to you. There is no reason you should not be able to see them if you are paying the bills</p>
<p>" I would encourage every parent to make sure their kid signs a waiver so that grades can be sent to you. There is no reason you should not be able to see them if you are paying the bills"</p>
<p>Or one can simply say that you won’t pay the bill for the next semester until your kid shows you their grades.</p>
<p>When I took TA training at my <em>private</em> university, the instructors made clear that violating FERPA could get us into trouble, but they also gave the impression that nothing was likely to happen unless a student complained about a particular violation. FERPA applies to any school which receives any funds from the department of Education, not just public schools. It could be that your S’s school receives absolutely no public funds, or that no student has ever complained about this policy before. I certainly never knew that I could complain about educational privacy violations before I took TA training, so I wouldn’t be surprised if there had never been a complaint, even if it was a FERPA violation.</p>
<p>In any case, no parent should expect to be notified of their student’s grades unless the school has specifically said that they will notify.</p>
<p>My D was asked to leave her HS after her junior year (when she would have otherwise become a senior). She was asked to leave because she had very poor HS grades mostly due to frequent and prolonged absences due to health reasons. </p>
<p>In any case, she ended up studying at the community school for adults in a summer course, passing the GED & starting local community college in what would have been her senior year of HS. We are very glad she was living at home & attended CC for three semesters. She did have us to keep her grounded, get a better sense of pacing, improve her health, and know we were there to help her when things were tough. She was pretty well prepared when she left home at age 19 to transfer to a 4-year U as a 2nd semester sophomore last spring.</p>
<p>The path she has travelled was not one any of us had intended but it is working out well for her and she is finding her way. She confided in us that she felt those 3 semesters at CC while living at home were really very helpful to her, in allowing her to have the bridge time between the tough times in HS & new expectations of a college situation while not having to deal with living in a new situation and new state with new room mates.</p>
<p>It is actually an amazing number of things freshmen are expected to deal with all at the same time, when you think about it. Many of them honestly aren’t quite ready to handle ALL of them as maturely as we might hope. Time really DOES help, though it can be painful for us as parents. My D entered as a transfer with MUCH more maturity than she had just 18 months prior and has been much more focused and conscious of the great opportunities she has in being a college student.</p>
<p>IMSAgeek
The school does get funds and follows FERPA, but apparently, if the student is a dependent, a school can share the records with parents. (as well as with faculty who request it, schools where the student might be transfering, law enforcement under certain circumstances, as well as some others who request the records, dependent on circumstances) The school makes it clear to all students that grades will be sent out, as well as if they get in trouble for drinking or other illegal activity on campus, they will inform parents. It would be up to the student to request his records remain confidential to him, and as such would need to show that he was no longer a dependent. So I would think that, apparently, so long as the school informs the students, it is not against the FERPA.</p>
<p>No, most schools are not like this, but it is their choice to not disclose to parents, because this school would not be exempt from the laws that govern everyone else.</p>
<p>But I agree, do not expect to get a student’s grades unless you have heard from their college that they do send them out to parents.</p>
<p>My oldest son was dual enrolled in his school and the CC when he was 13 years old. We needed to get his transcripts and the CC informed us that he needed to sign the release. The FERPA rules would not allow us to see his grades or do any paperwork on his behalf. As a result of this experience between the ages of 13 and 16 he has done everything regarding the management of himself. </p>
<p>I remember the secretary looking at us and feeling so badly that she had to follow the rules.</p>
<p>momk pointed out that many of these stories are about boys (and girls) who party too much when they get to school. When I was starting college most of the dorms were single sex and all of the halls were single sex. They tried an experiment with a couple of all freshman dorms my first year. At the end of the year, the administration noted that the kids in the mixed-year, but single sex dorms had less problems and better average grades than the ones in the freshman coed dorms and the next three years there were no more freshman dorms although freshman dominated some dorms. The freshmen in the frosh dorms became very close and had a great time. I felt jealous but while I definitely partied not allowing boys in over night helped us get to bed earlier (kanoodling had to be over by midnight) and seeing older girls studying not partying was definitely a reminder that work needed to get done. I am hoping that my son will be in a mixed-year dorm because of this…i understand single sex dorms are rare to non-exisitent at today’s colleges…sigh</p>