<p>Why is that awful cousin staying in YOUR home?</p>
<p>"If Iâd called her on it, she just might have gone back to the dorm. Too late for this year, but next year Iâll be prepared. " - And your posts may help other families too. Good luck to you!</p>
<p>Thanks, everyone. Donât know what I would do without the advice Iâve been getting here.</p>
<p>Olymom, youâre right about how she is using my fears to manipulate me, and âsmart, somewhat ruthlessâ describes her very well. She will do whatever she has to do to get her way, and she bludgeons me with her threats to drop out of college and run off. </p>
<p>Youâre right about not having the fears. I just have to tell myself she will make her own adult decisions, and if that includes dropping out because she canât have her way, that is on her, not me. Iâm beginning to believe that she would bankrupt me so that she can have what she wants.</p>
<p>Adults have to live within a budget, so if she wants to be an adult, it is time for her to be an adult financially. For me it will mean putting up with a lot of yelling when I donât give her what she wants. But I canât keep being a stupid doormat and giving in to her â it just makes her want more, and she gets ruder. The entitlement mentality has to stop, and she has to learn that in the real world, rudeness and disrespect will not be rewarded.</p>
<p>Be prepared for things to get worse before they get better. If yelling doesnât work anymore, she may well try advanced histrionics, then acting out. You have to stay strong in your new attitude towards her, and hope that she comes around eventually. I would think of this as a one to two year transition period, and plan accordingly.</p>
<p>"Yep! I loved the Father who insisted that the daughter keep a record of fuel purchases. Eventually the D said âDad, Iâm an adult and Iâve made the adult choice to quit filling out the bookletâ at which point the Dad said âGreat. Now give me back the card and start paying for your own gas, like the adult you are.â (Courtesy of CarTalk). "</p>
<p>You left out that both car talk guys thought dad was a controlling nutjob when dad called in to explain himself.</p>
<p>*Be prepared for things to get worse before they get better. If yelling doesnât work anymore, she may well try advanced histrionics, then acting out. *</p>
<p>Very true! Sheâs going to test your resilience. Stay strong (turn to prayer if you need toâŠpray for strengthâŠthere are no atheists in the foxhole of parenting. 
Expect to be the target of incoming missiles.)</p>
<p>I take it dad is asking D to keep a record of fuel purchases and odometer readings. Who does that anymore? My car will tell me how many miles to the gallon Iâm getting per tank.</p>
<p>havenât read the thread, but LOLing at this last comment! ^</p>
<p>âI take it dad is asking D to keep a record of fuel purchases and odometer readings. Who does that anymore?â - There are times when Iâve been tempted to start car odometer logs⊠to ensure they were really using the car only for the intended close destinations.</p>
<p>*Adults have to live within a budget, so if she wants to be an adult, it is time for her to be an adult financially. For me it will mean putting up with a lot of yelling when I donât give her what she wants. But I canât keep being a stupid doormat and giving in to her â it just makes her want more, and she gets ruder. The entitlement mentality has to stop, and she has to learn that in the real world, rudeness and disrespect will not be rewarded. *</p>
<p>When I read how ungrateful your D has been to the one parent who has been so loving and very generous to her, I want to say to herâŠ</p>
<p>âIf you want more money, go to your dad and demand it. Iâll dial his number, all you have to do is ask for the money that he should have been providing for you all these years. Surely thatâs enough for the car of your dreams and many other luxury items that youâd like to have. Oh, wait, you say that he doesnât have the money and youâre fine with that? HmmmâŠwell then you need to be more than fine with the fact that I donât either.â</p>
<p>Let her know you run and pay for her life. I know that about my parents. I realize how much theyâve done for me and I give them all the respect in the world.</p>
<p>It helps to think like an anthropologist or biologist and âStudy the systemâ â so what behavior starts a discussion? How does it escalate? What techniques are used to bring Mother to cave?" Think it thorough as a scientific observer and then you will start to have the tools you need to manage better. </p>
<p>Anticipate. In âWhat Shamu taught meâ the author writes about an animal technician out walking a tiger on a leash as part of a training exercise. Suddenly the tech starts feeding treats out of her day bag to the tiger. Why? The tech had spotted another student moving a llama and the tiger walker didnât want a tiger/llama interaction. By shoveling out treats, the tiger completely missed seeing the llama until the llama was out of sight. </p>
<p>So, a parent can anticipate when there will be a request/demand. And a parent can plan how to handle the interaction, including an escape plan to withdraw from the discussion. (You canât be browbeat if you arenât present). </p>
<p>Keep in mind youâve trained this kiddo. What she has been doing has worked before. Old dogs (and young ladies) can learn new behaviors. To move to new behaviors, you (the trainer) needs to have a clear idea of what patterns are in place and what patterns you would prefer to have â and then take steps (and do research) to start the new patterns. Itâs not easy â but thinking âbehaviorallyâ instead of emotionally can help your head stay clear. Good luck!</p>