Glad you discovered the medical issue at the root of things, I think that we all need to consider medical issues first, even before psychological. Thank you for letting us know!
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It sounds like neither of you is happy with the relationship and that money is one of the âbrightestâ arenas in which this is playing out.
I really love @CollegeMamb0âs post. Something needs to change for this to work, and while itâd be easiest if it were your D and her attitude, it doesnât sound like that will happen. If you need help in communicating what you want (and in figuring out what that is) and if you need support in dealing with however that plays out, a good therapist will be super helpful.
I am always fascinated by how differently people here have parented and how well often polar approaches have worked out. But you need to find what works for you.
Definitely minimize the friction around what you have agreed - insist that bursar bills come directly to you if you have agreed to pay tuition. I can definitely see how your D could be frustrated if you had agreed to this and bills were unpaid and I can see how you might not have known a bill was due. Fix the easy logistical stuff.
If you want to limit the amount you give her, maybe give her a fixed amount at the beginning of the year and transfer money monthly and let her manage it. It sounds like you donât approve of how she spends, in part because she always needs more. She probably hates that you are judging her expenditures. You both have valid points.
But the elephant in the room here is the relationship. For me, I always want a relationship with my kid, through adulthood until the day I die! I could never even threaten some of the tough love strategies that have worked for others given who I am and who my kid is⊠Some time ago, I found a peace in treating each interaction as an invitation to that. Sometimes there was no response, sometimes a regret, but increasingly, a yes Iâll be there and even sometimes an invitation extended to me. I am confident he knows how much I love and care, however imperfectly, and I feel itâs reciprocal, however casual at times!
If you can talk honestly with your D about how you feel (if you know!) about your relationship, try it. You sound understandably hurt. Does she know that or does she just see anger about the money issues? Itâs an ancient book, but Dance of Anger might give you some insight into the dynamic you have as well as some ideas for changing it.
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@twoinanddone, Your daughter doesnât have to be on your accounts to receive an inheritance. If D2 isnât named in your will then I donât see how that differs from being disinherited. If thereâs not going to be anything left anyway then it seems like a simple thing to name both and make the split 50/50. If there does end up being a few dollars one could have direct deposit and the other would get a physical check. You could always leave each of them some small personal effect too. But I encourage you to name both in your will and treat them equally. Be careful not to create a situation between the girls that you wonât be here to fix or explain.
OP, Iâm glad youâre making progress with your daughter. This is a challenging time. Have you looked into getting a medical withdrawal? A friend of one of my children tanked all their classes due to a medical issue. Their family requested a retroactive medical withdrawal to wipe the academic record for that semester. It took some time and paperwork, but it was granted. The friend is now working in a job they love and focusing on getting better. College will be there later if they want it.
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I never said she wasnât named (or included by law). All I ever said was that she asked for me to be off her accounts so we are now financially separate. Not unusual for a college grad to be financially independent.
I donât want my accounts to be payable to my âestateâ and have to go through probate. I donât have enough money to set up a trust. I named the child who is willing to do the work as beneficiary. If I had 10 kids should I name them all? My friendâs parents recently died and all 4 sisters were named on everything. Friend had to do all the work and then get her sisters to sign off on everything - it was a mess.
She can have whatever personal items she wants. She can have them now. She recently took my dining room table and several other pieces of furniture. Her sister hasnât taken anything. None of us care.
I donât have D2 named on everything
(except as required by law.) The will does put D1 in charge of some $ aspects. But weâve all spoken, theyâre aware.
I think itâs clear twinanddone is not taking away oneâs inheritance.
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Re: leaving kids off willsâŠcheck your states.
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I understand how it works. I am a lawyer.
Iâm good with the state laws and distribution. The law splits anything not passed outside of probate equally in our situation.
As Iâve said, sheâs NOT disinherited, which would require a will to override state law. If the situation were reversed and she was the one in charge, she would not share with her sister. Her sister will make sure things are equal. Thatâs their personalities.
And there wonât be anything left. Iâm spending it all.
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âI had to come up with 3k. Also had to pay her taxes too. We pay her medical, cell phone, car insurance and various bills.â
$3k is very reasonable if that is what you are paying for tuition. We also pay medical, cell phone, car insurance, and rent and a bit more for our 21 year old daughter in university. We want her to focus on doing well in university (which she has been doing). We are intending to fully support both children while they are in university as long as they are making solid progress towards a useful degree at a good university, and they have picked a university that is affordable for us (which $3k would be). Graduate programs will need to be taken on a case by case basis.
Kids do go through difficult times. I think that it is important to maintain a level of communication. Siblings will frequently vary in terms of how difficult they are for parents to deal with, but sometimes the more difficult sibling will pleasantly surprise you with respect to what they are capable of accomplishing with their life.
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I donât know what kind of law you do but every lawyer I know also has an estate planning attorney. They all know the mess that is created without a good estate plan. I was honestly surprised when H and I did wills at the scenarios in which money would be transferred depending on various factorsâthings that never would occur to me. Some things that I would consider straight forward are notâsome have high tax implications and probate problems. Maybe this doesnât apply to you but to all those people saying âjust fill in the papers on the internetâ unless you really donât own anything (in which case why worry?) it probably isnât the best option.
twoinanddone:
âthere wonât be anything left. Iâm spending it all.â As an attorney?
As an attorney who sees far too many seniors who sacrifice their own care so they can leave something to their kids, I totally support spending the money before you die.
I joke sometimes that a life well-lived results in going out how you come in - with a zero balance and not owing anyone anything.
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I tried for many years to owe nothing in taxes and get no return - just wanted to break even. One year I owed $60 to the state and got $60 back from the feds.
Itâs harder now with all the tax changes, losing my dependent deductions, etc. but it was a fun game while it lasted. We could change withholding amounts online without bothering HR people so I did it all the time.
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Maybe there isnât as much ability to accumulate wealth or to pass on intergenerational wealth as I thought as an attorney.
I try to play that game every year, too, but weâre an S Corp and it is SO hard to predict. Last year we got a big refund. This year we owe a lot. Oh, well.
Lots of different types of attorneys out there, not all of them have wealth accumulation as their #1 priority.
There are plenty of attorneys, I would guess the vast majority, working in government, non-profit, or small-firm jobs. They have to pay off their student loans, which can take decades. Law isnât the path to wealth many people think. It isnât like what they show in the movies.
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It looks like OP has resolution. Since the conversation has gone OT since her update, I think the time to close has come.
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