Is it possible she just didn’t understand how this all worked?
Separately. I don’t think her dropping out of college because you won’t pay the bill is going to help anyone, but I’d move strictly to a “pay what is necessary and she takes care of the rest” model.
You say she is out of the house, but how? Are you paying her rent? It doesn’t sound like she is in a dorm, or she would be heading home now and have nowhere to go.
Cutting off all the money seems too severe (and does that include tuition)? But there is definitely room for financial consequences that aren’t all or nothing. And if you are committing to pay her tuition for the next two years, she needs to give you access to the billing (she invites you to become an authorized user on the billing system, so you get notifications and can pay directly).
I think the plans of you communicating “we will pay this” are solid, and then stick to it. She needs limits.
I’m also in the camp of you continuing to pay tuition and R&B but nothing else. I’d also be clear that she’s on her own after graduation.
This didn’t happen in a vacuum. You said it kept on repeat itself. She won’t talk to you for a period and then she is nice when she needs money. Who is the enabler here? I see a lot of parents “threaten” their kids, but never live up to it. Kids are smart. They figure you out pretty quickly.
I would tell her that you would continue to pay for her to stay in school for 2 years as long as she gets a minimum GPA X. Let her know that she could come home to stay for Y months after graduation while she is looking for a job, after that she is to move out. As far as paying for her phone, if she doesn’t respond to your text or call within a certain period then you are going to turn it off. While she is home, she is expected to help out around the house because your place is not a bed & breakfast.
Everything I posted I’ve had that conversation with my adult kids when they were growing up (they are now 31 & 26). I worked very long hours while my kids were in college, the only time I could see them was during dinner, so they always had dinner with me before they went out to their friends.
I do believe that people (kids included) will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Your kid will respect you more if you set your boundary and let them know what you expect of her. I am very close to both of my girls. By setting boundary and asking for respect have not hurt my relationships with my girls.
Every once in awhile there is a thread that really goes beyond what this forum can offer. I don’t feel we can have a full picture of what is going on. Whatever it is, it is complex and took a long time to get there.
Some responses will advocate for consequences, some will advocate for deeper probes into root causes, but overall, I think the best response is to suggest you seek therapy. As others have said, that can start with you seeking a therapist yourself. Many of us have done that at certain junctures, and found it helpful.
I really think a therapist will be more helpful to you than this forum.
I am a therapist and I concur with the suggestion made above:
get a therapist for yourself to help process what is going on for you, to understand family dynamics, and to help you set appropriate boundaries that you feel able to stick to
the therapist will also help you navigate the outcome of these boundaries. Often when we set a boundary it can trigger a fight or flight response in us, and when we get push back, these stress signals can be so strong that we cave in. Neurologically, we are wired to keep relationships going (for survival) especially for kin - so a boundary can feel like breaking that relationship: and maybe in the short term it will. Having neutral support to help you through this will be crucial.
Is your partner/husband fully supportive of this approach? You will need to be united so can support one another (and also to prevent any attempts to play one off against another)
This isn’t a short term program. As a poster said above, this is the long game, so make sure you are well resourced to stick it out. What do you need to look after yourself, your relationship with your husband, and your other kids?
Good luck!
Just a longshot hunch (unfortunately based on experience) - are you sure she is still attending classes / passing? If yes, great… then you will have to decide if you are willing to let the investment-til-now go to waste before you threaten to cut her off financially.
It seems to be a rough age - we have 5 kids, and the last two are junior and senior in college. Every one of them got too big for their britches around this time. I am trying to muscle through and letting them deal with their own (often self created) problems and keeping boundaries.
I don’t know the whole story and the background of your relationship with your D, but I think sitting down and talking is in order. There seems to be a lot of stuff that needs to ironed out. I’d say the disrespect and poor attitude needs to stop (that’s not how well adjusted adults act) and there needs to be specific expectations about what you will and won’t pay for.
Not to criticize anyone’s parenting, but we were very clear what we would and would not pay for for our kids.
Here is what we covered:
-tuition
-room and board (within reason)
-meal plan
-books (we always bought used when we could)
-groceries (when they were off the meal plan)
-medical expenses
-trips home (at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and spring break, and the end of the year) and trips backs to school
-cell phone and insurance
-we also covered emergencies that were not their fault
-and of course any expenses that were school related
-
Our kids had to cover
-meals out (though they could use their grocery money if they had any left over)
-movies
-clothes
-entertainment
-spring break trips that aren’t back home (visting friends, going to Florida, whatever)
-weekend trip
-any extra trips home outside of Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring break, and summer…
Yes, they had friends whose parents literally paid for everything, but again different families do different things…I’m not their friend’s parent
Our kids aren’t/weren’t perfect, but they generally respected us and were fine with all this. If a kid is being disrespectful, then that’s probably because they’ve been allowed to act like that (though I know no matter how well you parent your kids, you can’t control how they act or how they are 100%).
yikes! I am sorry you are dealing with this, it is a concern of my own when I send my daughter to school next year. she has had some attitude problems as of lately and I have chalked it up to her having a hard time in her senior year because of the pandemic. fingers crossed she gets better and does not end up like this. I do not think it is too harsh but you may get some backlash from her, I would have a stern conversation for sure
We did the same thing, @natty1988…their bank accounts were seeded with money from their birthdays/baptisms and after that it was up to them to replenish it from summer jobs.
-Emergencies that were not their fault
YEP - my senior has herself a pretty large ER bill that come from pure stupid. And I told her I don’t pay for stupid sorry. So real life begins before the final year ends.
We were pretty clear about what we would cover also. Both of my kids worked hard through their high school years and received good scholarships that covered most of their tuition. We covered their insurance and medical bills and gave them a few thousand dollars every year to ease the financial stress. My kids had to hold part time jobs during the school year and full time jobs in the summer to pay for their own housing, utilities, food and other expenses. They took pride in their ability to function as adults and because they didn’t expect much help from us financially, it was a joy when we did so. College wasn’t party time for them as both graduated summa cum laude with no student loan debt.
I just want to say that, while I of course admire these hard-working kids and parents with clear boundaries, these expectations don’t always work for kids with medical, psychiatric or other challenges. Which may or may not be the case for the OP’s child.
Wow that seems a little harsh to basically disinherit your child for something like that when she’s basically a young adult who doesn’t seem to know what fiscal responsibility is and is going to be punished much later when you die? Also leaving your other daughter holding the bag to deal with that mess when the other one is angry about it? My father and husband are both tax/estate attorneys and I’ve seen how this plays out way too often. Please reconsider what you’re doing in the future for something trivial that upset you now and instead of being angry at her for wanting you off her accounts which she seems to have a right to request perhaps try to show her what fiscal responsibly is instead if expecting she should just know. Maybe she didn’t know about the gas because she never had to fill up a car with gas before or this wasn’t discussed in front of her etc.
Just sayin…
I also think that reaction (disinheriting one daughter) twoinandone because of an argument with one regarding financial independance is incredibly harsh. I wish ya’ll peace because I know times are super hard right now, but there has to be a more emotionally equitable path.
Favoring one child over another in inheritance matters, unless there is a VERY good reason to do so (such as establishing a trust to provide for a disabled child), is an excellent way of ensuring that your offspring will continue on in life as only children after you are gone.
For all of you that have been following you might be wondering what happened. We had a good talk with her. Without disclosing too much we recently found a medical issue might be the cause of the odd behavior. Somewhat serious but not a mental health as you might think. Thus, guess it tells me that one should look at all avenues before making assumptions. Not sure about the return to spring semester but we will see.
I didn’t disinherit my daughter. It wasn’t a fight or a disagreement. Things changed. She (D2) graduated from college, has a nice, high paying job, her own 401k, life insurance, and doesn’t have the same needs as she did when she was in college. D2 doesn’t want to be responsible for my bank accounts or have me on hers. Easy solution, take her off my accounts and take me off hers. She won’t get direct payments as POD or beneficiary on one 401k.
I don’t think I’m being unfair. She’s not getting less, but it won’t be as easy for her to access funds as it would be if she wanted to be on the accounts (and have some responsibility).
It will all be spent anyway.