second guessing

Parents Social Lounge
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<p>Has anyone had trouble accepting their child's decision ?</p>

<p>We let our daughter decide which college to attend and it was down to Cornell versus Bucknell. She had really liked Bucknell during the summer tour, and again in April. She had applied to Cornell only to see if she could get in as she really hadn't liked it during the summer tour, felt it was too big, too impersonal and without a stong enough community feel. Once she was admitted however, she was very proud. As time wore on, she just could not see it as a fit. She chose Bucknell, after saying she wanted Cornell the night before, on May 1st at 3 pm. And after repeated questions of, "Are you sure?", we mailed in the deposit tp Bucknell.</p>

<p>She is not happy about her choice, even told friends she may have made a mistake. But she has also said that she wouldn't have been sure that she didn't make a mistake had she gone the other way and picked Cornell. She says that Cornell was not the best fit for her, but nor was Bucknell ( in her mind). In her mind she settled. Didn't apply to #1 choice of Penn, and was rejected in #2 choice of Notre Dame.</p>

<p>I am sick with anxiety to see her feeling this way. We spent so much time and money on getting into college, and it turned down to a decision made on the spur of the moment. I believe she may regret passing up Cornell years from now. What should I do?</p>

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<p>It’s a bit late. I think your kid has a great school in Bucknell. Just going through buyer’s remorse. I personally would not look back once I have gone this far. But hey… </p>

<p>If she just HAS to change due to a revelation, then I’d call Cornell, like yesterday. Don’t know if Cornell is hitting a waitlist now. If so, may be too late for your kid to call and ask if she can rescind her decision not to matriculate. I’d still try. If Cornell will allow this, then I’d call Bucknell and see if they were willing to let me out of my decision. If not, then I’d go Bucknell and love it.</p>

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<p>Thanks, I thiink I'll call Cornell on Monday to see whether they laugh in my face over our decision on May 1st. I think they are contacting their freshman waitlisted applicants on 5/15. If they say forget it, then we have no choice but to go with Bucknell. And hope for the best.</p>

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<p>snajean - I think that would be a mistake -- your daughter has reiterated that she doesn't think Cornell is the best fit -- she is just feeling conflicted right now and your calling Cornell will only make it worse. </p>

<p>Your daughter's gut sense in the end was that Bucknell was right, and she is just feeling a normal sense of cold feet and buyer's remorse. If you get on the phone to Cornell and find out there is an open door, you will make things worse -- instead of your daughter getting over her doubt, you will create more stress and uncertainty. </p>

<p>I think you just need to give your daughter a little bit of time to get used to her decision, and try to be positive and encouraging. If she liked Bucknell with two visits, she is probably going to like it when she gets there in the fall. You will help her more by doing things to build enthusiasm for her choice, and saying things to validate it, without being overbearing.</p>

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<p>most likely your daughter will receive a first rate education and have a great overall experience at either cornell or bucknell. i think it is common to second guess oneself under these circumstances. i still occasionally wonder what would have happened if my children had chosen to attend schools other than the ones they are attending.</p>

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<p>I agree with the posters above..has your D asked you to call and change the decision? Its very difficult to let go of a school (especially a prestigious one), but it sounds like your D knew Bucknell was right for her. I would try to encourage her unless she comes up with a convincing rationale for her decision, to stick with Bucknell. If she hates it, she can consider transferring to another school next year. In a week she will probably thank you.</p>

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<p>Is your D having problems moving on or are YOU? You started a thread "what school have you Turned Down for Bucknell?", and now this "Second Guessing"- all in the early morning hours. Who exactly is losing sleep here.</p>

<p>Sorry to be so direct, but your posts on the Cornell thread about your Introverted D, who feels Bucknell is the right fit make me think she might be having an easy, maybe even joyful time with her decision, if you didn't harbor such doubts. </p>

<p>All roads will lead her to pricewaterhouse, why make her miserable? Have you ever been over your head in academics? It is NOT fun, and I wonder if your D, might sense that regularly at Cornell, almost like a self fulfilling prophesy at this point. </p>

<p>In all honesty, Penn would not have been a choice, forget it, and have you visited West Philly this year? I have, and if your husband was worried about Lehigh, forget West Philly.</p>

<p>What is your husband saying about your D's choice? </p>

<p>Remember those phone calls from your son a week into Penn State, and it was the WRONG school? M,m,m,m,m,m,m,m m,m,m,m, ......</p>

<p>You mention your D's 1360 SAT, average for Bucknell admit- what were your D's SAT 2 scores. My quess is they were stellar? True?</p>

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<p>Thank you all for letting me see how wrong it is to let second thoughts enter this picture. </p>

<p>As for my husband, he is relieved that she chose Bucknell. He really didn't think that she had the stamina required to physically and intellectually feel confident at Cornell. He loved Lehigh until the crime, party scene made the campus too uneasy for him. He is very impressed with life for a Bucknell student, and feels comfortable to know that we can see her easily (we have Penn State season football tickets- and hour from bucknell). He is anticipating, as me, that we will miss her as much as she will miss home. </p>

<p>Yes, I was completely in over my head at penn state when I was enrolled in Calculus III. And I ran out of that major as fast as I could. As for SAT II, she never took them. She was too afraid of doing badly. Her dad thinks that the average Cornell student isn't as afraid of such tests.</p>

<p>I think the best advice is to not open this door of a Cornell readmittance until, she initiates it. And until then, I need to be positive and trust her gut. Thanks to all of you taking the time to write- it helped.</p>

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<p>Hi, Cornell alum here.</p>

<p>Your daughter's gut reaction to Cornell was very accurate. It is big, it is impersonal, and there is a lack of a sense of community (people at Cornell tend to identify with specific schools within the university rather than the university as a whole; when one alum meets another, the first question is always "what school were you in?"). If these aspects of a university are important to your daughter, she was right to go elsewhere.</p>

<p>Your kid has a lot of insight.</p>

<p>This is not to say that Cornell is a bad place. It isn't. I loved it as a student and I still do. One of my kids is planning to apply to Cornell next year, and I approve of that decision. But for me (and my kid), the issues that were so important to your daughter don't matter as much. Different personalities, different priorities. (My kid LIKES large, impersonal environments. Go figure.) </p>

<p>In my experience, the people who thrive best at Cornell are those who are confident, independent, and tough. Other personality types tend to be unhappy at Cornell, at least from what I have seen.</p>

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<p>Hi Snajean: I feel so sorry for you and your daughter, but she has so many wonderful opportunities ahead of her. As you know, I have been following your posts for a while now, and it seems as though she is still confused and has to settle in with her decision. In the past months, you have expressed her interest in majoring in Accounting, Management, Marketing, Advertising and Biological and Environmental Engineering. </p>

<p>If she had applied to the College of Arts and Sciences at Cornell, she wouldn’t feel so boxed into a major. Unfortunately at Cornell, the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences asks you to apply to a specific major. She applied and was accepted to Biological and Environmental Engineering in CALS, but immediately began to doubt her choice based on her experience in high school physics this year. Her next interest at CALS became the Applied Economics and Management (AEM) program. Cornell's AEM program does not offer Accounting as an area of concentration as of this writing, perhaps this knowledge will aide in your decision. <a href="http://business.aem.cornell.edu/academics/concentrations.htm%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://business.aem.cornell.edu/academics/concentrations.htm&lt;/a>. </p>

<p>As you know, I am the ultimate Cornell cheerleader. That being said, I feel that Bucknell is a better choice for her, because both the Accounting and Management majors are located in the Management Department in the College of Arts & Sciences. If she decides to explore another major while at Bucknell she has the freedom to do so without all of the red tape. I really feel she should start at a Liberal Arts program, like Bucknell (or Cornell Arts and Sciences) and not a pre-professional program, because she has changed her mind so many times during the past 3 months. Some kids are ready to decide on their future professions at 17 or 18 years old, but most are not. </p>

<p>I hope this isn’t coming across as too harsh. I’m just trying to be a realist. I totally understand your angst. When our children are hurting we feel their pain. I think she will feel very comfortable at Bucknell for the next 4 years, and it’s very mature of her to choose the right fit rather than the Ivy bragging rights. I give her a lot of credit for that. </p>

<p>Sometimes “separation anxiety” starts to show it’s ugly face, as kids are getting ready for the next phase of their lives. Some students start acting out during their senior year. Perhaps your daughter is a little fearful about the next step and her fear is presenting itself as second-guessing her decisions.</p>

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<p>At our house, DD is absolutely fine with her decision. I, however, have some misgivings. The school she ultimately decided NOT to attend was a large state school where she had received significant merit aid. Yes, the money was one thing, but the personal attention she received from this large school was extraordinary. They called, sent letters, sent greeting cards, set up 1:1 student time when she revisited. Her dream school (where she is enrolling) didn't give her any renewable aid, and basically ignored her once her EA acceptance was in hand. She went to an accepted student overnight, but they flatly refused to schedule some time for her with a student ambassador saying she would learn anything she needed to from her host on the overnight (who was terrific). I'm now finding them a bit difficult to deal with in terms of scheduling orientation, etc. For a smaller school, <em>I</em> am disappointed with the personal service they are providing. For example...what I thought was a simple question took six different phone calls and a number of different people on the other end...and all they could finally tell me was that they don't yet KNOW for this year. The question...for the students attending the orientation just before the welcome weekend (designed for those living far away), could they move into their dorms the night before (orientation begins at 8 am on a Thurs...wondered what the kids were to do arriving Wed evening)? First answer...stay in a hotel (I'm sure the local hotels would be THRILLED to have a bunch of unchaperoned 18 year olds in their rooms), second answer move into the dorm, third answer we don't know, fourth answer...last year they moved in but there is no policy yet...fifth answer we can let you know later. We live 2500 miles away. When DD registered for this orientation, she received an email saying they would "consider her request within ten days". Oh brother...we need to make airline reservations NOW to get the best prices on Southwest. Oh well...she feels good about the whole school selection. I, the parent, have a knot in my stomach.</p>

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<p>In these types of decisions, the first choice is usually the best (even if the natural doubting mechanism kicks in later to create turmoil). The first choice is usually made with the heart/gut, and then the intellect barges in and starts to rationally assemble a cold-blooded argument in the other directon.</p>

<p>I'm sure Cornell is a great place, but Bucknell seems like Cornell with a lot of its faults trimmed off (smaller, slightly more mild weather, more personal, less cutthroat, greater sense of community). People seem blinded to some of Cornell's flaws due to its Ivy status.</p>

<p>Wherever she goes, she will have nagging doubts about it--that goes with the territory. I'd tell her to give Bucknell a chance, and if it doesn't pan out, she can try to transfer. One thing seems certain: with the same amount of effort, she'd probably attain a higher GPA at Bucknell, which sets her up better for grad school--maybe even at Cornell.</p>

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<p>To me, it seems that your daughter is reacting to your wanting her to choose Cornell.</p>

<p>It's normal for students to second guess their choices by saying things like, "I wonder if I made a mistake." It's best to be supportive by reflecting the question back to the student, not giving your opinion. You could, for instance say something like, "Think about how you made your decision. Write down the factors that you considered. Think about whether you feel that you made the right choice."</p>

<p>Just leave it in her hands. If she decides that she made a wrong choice (and there's absolutely nothing in your post that indicates that she did because it seems that she genuinely likes Bucknell better based on values that are important to her), then she needs to be the one to approach Cornell.</p>

<p>It's her life and her college decision. If she truly feels a mistake, Mom or Dad shouldn't call Cornell, she'd need to do that. However, I truly think that at heart, she chose the college she wanted, and all she wants right now is support from you by not jumping in and changing her decision.</p>

<p>My own opinion as an Ivy grad is that Cornell is best for some students. Small colleges are best for other, equally smart students. The career outcomes for people at Cornell or at Bucknell can be the same. What's important is the fit between the student and the college, not whether the college is an Ivy.</p>

<p>One last thing: Wherever she goes, probably some time during the spring and fall she'll wonder if she made a mistake. Virtually all students do this -- even those at Harvard and Cornell. She'll express those doubts to you. Just listen. Don't tell her that she made a mistake. Don't advise her to transfer. Just let her vent and tell her something like, "I know that you've got a fine ability to figure out your options. Whatever you decide to do, we'll stand behind you."</p>

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<p>second thoughts are common, and i can relate.............ultimatley she will likely be happy at bucknell and if she isn't then likely she can transfer, part of being an adult is accepting responsibility for ones actions and decisions.......even when its painful and sometimes hurts. The truth is that we learn from these very types of situations and it always seems the worst and hardest in the beginning......I am sure like millions of others she will get through it, I would not not even play into this conversation, as my parents stated my second thoughts were "non negotiable and not open to conversation", hence the lesson, and you know what, it doesn't seem so bad right now, and I am actually excited about going afterall! Hang tough, you are helping her.</p>

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<p>When we did our visit and tour at Cornell, our tour guide was a young man who had transferred from Bucknell to Cornell. He felt Bucknell was too small for him.
Just from reading your posts, I think Bucknell sounds like a better fit for your daughter. I am a big Cornell fan, but I know a number of kids who have NOT been happy at Cornell. It can feel cold and impersonal if it is not a right fit.</p>

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<p>So much help here on this board. Thank you ALL so very much.</p>

<p>Yesterday we shopped for a prom dress; a nice way to be away from the rest of the family and share, ever so gingerly, the college topic. After spending so much time together, and after reading the wisdom from this board, I realized that I had greatly overlooked her world.</p>

<p>I have seen her vascillate on majors, you are right Tahoe, she has gone from Engineering to Biochemistry to management to marketing to accounting. But the independent student that I though she was, really is too insecure in herself and of college in general, to risk going to Cornell. I guess the hardest thing is for me to realize is that while she is intelligent and ambitious, she isn't ready for the rigor of Cornell. So, the disappoinment is also directed at myself. What did she need that I overlooked? She chose her college experience to afford her the opportunity to gain confidence socially and academically, more than she wanted a large school with ivy prestige.</p>

<p>Yes, she did chose to be at Bucknell for four years. And many people are critical, myself included, thinking, "How could she ever turn down Cornell?" But to understand the anxiety she has seen through her brother's eyes, a brilliant student who transferred colleges and still studies 50 hours a week, leaving little time for much else at school. She has seen him hating school and it has had an enourmous impact. Had she not seen his unhappiness and stress, she may have chosen differently, but that would have been nearly impossible to hide.</p>

<p>I am going to print this thread to remind myself from time to time, of the great advice I received here on this forum. And to remind myself that her decision was made from her perspective. Sure, it's easy for me to pick Cornell. But how can I ignore what she has seen and been through to not understand her selection? </p>

<p>So many of you gave a lot of thought into your answers and I so appreciate the time you took to help me work through this process. Thank you-</p>

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<p>" But the independent student that I though she was, really is too insecure in herself and of college in general, to risk going to Cornell. I guess the hardest thing is for me to realize is that while she is intelligent and ambitious, she isn't ready for the rigor of Cornell. So, the disappoinment is also directed at myself. What did she need that I overlooked? "</p>

<p>Please take another look at the situation. You didn't fail her. She is not lacking in some way.</p>

<p>There are students who are happier at a smaller, more personal college, and there are students who love being in a large, more impersonal place. The differences are simply differences. They aren't ends of a spectrum marked "good" or "bad."</p>

<p>Just because Cornell has more of a name doesn't mean that all students who get accepted there should go there. Just because Bucknell is less respected doesn't mean that it's for only students who are less intelligent than those who go Ivy.</p>

<p>I would think that students who value more things like interaction with faculty would be happier at a place like Bucknell, which probably values teaching more than Cornell does (as usually large national universities value profs' research better than their teaching abilities).</p>

<p>I think you have a lot to be proud of. You raised a young woman who appears to know herself well and to be willing to swim against public opinion to do what she believes is right for her. This perspective and character strength is wonderful, rare, remarkable, and will serve her well during her life. </p>

<p>Pat on the back to you and to her. Now, enjoy the rest of her senior year. Sniff. She won't be around that much longer....</p>

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<p>Prediction -next year when you meet her for football games at Penn State, dine at Meet Me (you) At the Corner, maybe even include her grandparents on gorgeous Fall Open House weekend ,you will look back on these stressful days,read these threads, and say,
"What was "I" thinking?"
After the infamous Moving In experience at Bucknell you will know it is the right warm, welcoming place for your D.</p>

<p>Cost of D's happiness= "priceless" .............</p>

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<p>Trust me snajean, as a high school senior I can tell you that you are doing the right thing. As the college acceptances and decisions have come in and been made, I've seen a couple of my friends choose colleges simply b/c their parents wanted them to. One of my friends got into Berkeley, UMich-AA, and Cornell. Of the three, he LOVED Cornell, liked UMich, and felt so-so at Berkeley. However, because his parents were/are big on prestige, they influenced him to choose Berkeley and its engineering program. Now I have no doubt that this friend will succeed, as I know him to be very driven, but I can't help but question why he could not have chosen for himself and gone with the school that he felt fit him best?
I try to look at it this way. Sure, the prestige of your college will follow you around for years after you graduate, but there is always grad school and your performance in the workforce to "make up" (which doesn't even relate to your case, as I am sure Bucknell is a great place) for your undergrad college. However, no matter how hard you try, you will NEVER be able to live those 4 undergrad years again, so it's best to do what makes YOU happy.</p>

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<p>southjerseychessmom - You have been with me for the long haul in this process and I hope you are right about fall. Knowing how well she adapted to preschool, I wouldn't be shocked to see her being very happy. </p>

<p>polo1A - As a senior, I so value your comments. You are a mature person yourself, which college will you be heading to in August?</p>