Do Not Believe Child's Choice Is Appropriate

Parents Forum
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<p>Faced this issue somewhat. My kid chose the most academically demanding of his schools. I warned him that he might have difficulty, especially with his ADD, but that’s where he wanted to go. He thrived frosh year.</p>

<p>Sophomore year he had significant academic problems with the major he chose. I asked him if he wanted to transfer. He didn’t. I assured him he’d find a different major (since the school strongly suggested he drop that major) and be patient.</p>

<p>In the meantime he told me it was my fault that he had chosen this very demanding school. Well, as understanding as I am, I wouldn’t take that, for his sake as much as for mine. I pointed out that I had warned him and it wasn’t my fault if he didn’t take those warning strongly enough. Then he said it was my fault for inculcating the values that made him want the best, most demanding school. I pointed out he could rectify that by transferring.</p>

<p>He chose not to. Made me think the major wasn’t very important to him. He did chose another major and as a junior is now very happy with his school.</p>

<p>The academics have been very, very demanding but he has learned a lot, both in terms of life lessons and in terms of academics.</p>

<p>So we never know outcomes.</p>

<p>I agree, if you have serious reservations the time to voice them was during the application process, but it does not good to think about that now.</p>

<p>If the school he wants to attend poses significant health problems, physical, mental, emotional, then I think you should point that out and listen to the reasons he feels he can handle it. You will have done your job, and he his.</p>

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<p>Just because we know our kids “best” doesn’t mean we are incapable of being wrong about something like this. It may be that the kid actually does know what he’s doing. </p>

<p>In any case, I do agree that even if the parent is right that this school is not the right fit, the child is not married to his decision for life. Transferring to another school could very well be a viable option if this school doesn’t turn out to be the right place for him.</p>

<p>I also agree that the time for taking a school off the list of contention needs to be made BEFORE applications are sent out. If FA is going to be a deal breaker, that needs to be made clear to the student from the get-go. “You may only go to University of X if they give you this amount.”</p>

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<p>rodney,if you don’t mind my asking, what was the outcome of your situation?</p>

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<p>In the meantime he told me it was my fault that he had chosen this very demanding school. Well, as understanding as I am, I wouldn’t take that, for his sake as much as for mine. I pointed out that I had warned him and it wasn’t my fault if he didn’t take those warning strongly enough. Then he said it was my fault for inculcating the values that made him want the best, most demanding school. I pointed out he could rectify that by transferring.</p>

<p>LOL…I think I would tell my kid that the mistake I made was not teaching my child to own his choices. ;)</p>

<p>While I completely agree with having the child make the choice (finances withstanding), there is nothing wrong with insisting that the child revisit the choices, meet with profs/department heads, sit in some classes, so that HIS choice is made with facts.</p>

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<p>“there is nothing wrong with insisting that the child revisit the choices, meet with profs/department heads, sit in some classes, so that HIS choice is made with facts”</p>

<p>I agree with this totally.</p>

<p>Once again I only got to sit in on classes/visit the schools that my PARENTS were interested in. It was like that with R-rated movies. I was “too young” to see an R-rated movie my parents thought looked stupid/boring. But if THEY wanted to see a movie they would drag me along. Made me doubt their reasoning for all of the other movies, if you know what I mean.</p>

<p>IF you are open to letting the kid explore all their options, THEN your S/D will take you more seriously. They will know you are trying to inform them, not just being an evil dictator haha. But of course, don’t just expect them to hate the school after a more in-depth visit: My parents offered to take me to visit dream school…I said…“If I like it will you let me go?” They said, “No, we just think you won’t like it as much if you actually see it.” </p>

<p>Oh…great…</p>

<p>IF you are insisting S/D have an open mind about YOUR choices, have an open mind about THEIRS.</p>

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<p>I also think that it’s perfectly fine to think there is a better or even best choice among the perfectly acceptable options. My D had a bunch of options, we would all have been fine with any of them, but there ended up being two which stood particularly above the others and when she made the final choice, I pointed out to her several things that she hadn’t focused on during the whole process. Whether those things helped her in the decision-making process, I really don’t know, but I do think I was entitled to be heard (which I was). I disagree vehemently with allowing a child to apply to a school that you wouldn’t let them attend, but I do think the parent and child can view different schools as the better choice. The ultimate decision should then belong to the child, but the parent’s observations should be heard respectfully.</p>

<p>The school my D ultimately chose was the “mom’s choice” college (the one application submitted just because I asked her to) because I thought the specific program was perfect for her. She had already decided that another school was just fine and she didn’t need to look further. When she was accepted to “my” choice with honors and money, we decided to take a trip with no pressure. Turned out it was exactly what she had always wanted. The reason I was able to have a sense of that is because she communicates clearly and openly and I listen.</p>

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<p>UMCP11 said:

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<p>Excellent, excellent, excellent. Will have to keep this one in mind this weekend!</p>

<p>We insisted that both our kids make solo trips to their final choices in April of senior year, without the filter of parents. They talked to advisors, profs, sat in on classes, stayed in the dorms. etc. I think it helps them own the decision. While we have been eager and ready to hear what S2 has to say about his choice, he told me the other night that he didn’t want to talk about it for a while “until I’m past the honeymoon phase.” He said with both schools he visited, he came back thinking “this is it.” Wanting a little space to process and let the passion die down was a good strategy.</p>

<p>I need to tell him that. ;)</p>

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This happened to me, too - I went to the school my mother loved, not the one I loved. I’ve been out of college for more decades than I care to count, and I still think about it. While I got an excellent education, I still wonder what my life would look like now had I been allowed to make my own choice then. (Finances were not an issue.)</p>

<p>I let my d make her own choice for school. She chose a school that I didn’t think was best for her, didn’t have some programs she had wanted, and was the most academically rigorous of all the schools she got into. There was another school that I thought was perfect for her, but she didn’t agree.</p>

<p>She’s at the one she chose, has been on Dean’s List every semester, and is very happy there. </p>

<p>She knew best.</p>

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<p>Great questions. Very good point about the merit aid as well. Our son just chose his college based in part on a large merit aid offer. If he loses it, he’ll have to leave the school. There is no other option. We’ve talked about that a lot, always with the reminder that should it come to that, switching colleges is not the end of the world.</p>

<p>Luckily, we feel the school is a good fit for him. It was not my first choice for him nor my husband’s but we’re not going, he is. His reasoning is sound, he met our requirements and he’s earned our trust in terms of making good choices.</p>

<p>Generally speaking, I would let my child decide. We clearly spelled out what we could afford and let him make choices within that framework. I think this is part of parenting an adult child; coming to terms with the fact that perhaps we don’t know him as well as we once did.</p>

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<p>For us, fit may not be totally apparent for all schools until well after the applications are in. Geographically and financially, we won’t be able to visit some of the schools until acceptances are announced. We will do our best to pick a good list on paper, but our kids know that we may have reservations or opinions about the schools on their list as we learn more about the schools, and they know we will share those comments with them. We may, in fact, exercise full veto power and take a school off their list late in the game, especially if we are at or near full pay at that school. We don’t expect to do that, and didn’t with S1, but our kids know we are part of the process of choosing the school they will attend. If we do it right, it will still be their choice in the end.</p>

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<p>"rodney,if you don’t mind my asking, what was the outcome of your situation? "</p>

<p>not at all; she attends a school that we didn’t think was the right fit; both socially and academically; we weren’t 100% wrong, according to her, but she has found students there that she can relate to…and is working at about 60% speed from High school; junior year for her in HS still wins out for the most difficult…but she went there for the alumni networking and is reaping those rewards while searching for internships…</p>

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<p>Here’s our anecdote about letting our son decide even if we “knew” it wouldn’t be a good fit. For no other reason, he was choosing colleges for all the wrong reasons.</p>

<p>Two and a half years ago, my son desperately wanted to select a school as an ED applicant. All of his friends were doing it, and he wanted to apply early somewhere—anywhere—too. He wanted to name a school as “his”. It had to be a “name” school too. He was ready to choose any top 20 school, but we helped him narrow it down. </p>

<p>October was beating at his door. Dues dates were looming. We insisted that if he wanted to apply early, he’d have to visit first. That didn’t stop him. He looked at distances and the calendar, and figured out where he could visit. When he came down with his selection, we actually never thought he’d have much of a prayer, but we wanted to support him. So he visited and eventually applied. Meanwhile, we also rode the message that he needed to consider smaller LACs on his list. Those applications, the EA ones, went out too. We were prepared when he found out the bad news.</p>

<p>Well, when he called me about his ED acceptance, you could have knocked me over. Then I worried, now what?</p>

<p>No doubt my son, the sophomore struggled that first year. He had a hard time with academics. He had a hard time socially. He had a hard time going to school so far away. His GC actually asked me if he was going to transfer. But, surprise, surprise. As he’s finishing his second year, he’s clearly settled in. He’s got plenty of friends, his major is all set. He couldn’t be happier.</p>

<p>If we had stopped him, or if we insisted he attend a LAC, I know he would have resented it. Freshman year might have been hard on him wherever he went. But he made a point to make it work. It’s been difficult, no doubt, but his college is his choice and he’s making it work.</p>

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<p>My daughter is a junior and we discuss college every few days. I remind her that it is her choice, but I did leave one of the most competitive colleges (Coast Guard) with its free ride and guaranteed job after 2 years to attend the mid-tier university where my boyfriend (now husband!) was. I worked my tail off to finish in 4 years and am now happy with all my school & career choices. My parents did not support me leaving USCGA, but I by then I was independent financially, so there was little they could do. Bottom line, it’s not horrible if they don’t like their first school, but they need to acknowledge why they want to leave and have a plan.</p>

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<p>Do you tell him what to eat at a restaurant? What to wear? What sports to play?
Well maybe you did when he was under 10 years old…but not now.</p>

<p>Do your parents still tell you what car to buy, which house to purchase, what job to take…
Imagine how you would resent your parents if they had told you what they thought of all the people you dated until you picked the one that you ultimately married.</p>

<p>These are the same issues-- it’s really not your place to attempt to influence a choice of this magnitude…</p>

<p>It’s that simple-- it’s really not your choice AND if they ask for advice your only comment is that you’ll support their choice whatever it is…</p>

<p>I am the hover moms of hover moms…(my kids swear I am the original helicipopter mom) and I totally totally don’t know how I did it- but kept my mouth shut and refused to say anything as both kids applied, and ultimately made a decision …why? b/c this is absolutely 100% their decison…and I didn’t want to hear later if things didn’t turn out well that it was my fault.</p>

<p>Simply simply simply - be quiet – don’t voice any concerns…none…you must support your child’s choice and go buy the sweatshirt ASAP! Done…</p>

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<p>I let D1 choose which schools she wanted to apply to. She ED at a school that I didn’t particularly liked. But the ED school was a good academic fit, and I believed D1 could alway adapt to whatever environment. On the other hand, if she had decided to ED at a school that was academically below where she should have been, I would have put up a big objection. Another word, if D1 had said to me that she wanted to go to school Y because it was going to be more fun, better climate, cuter guys, I would have said that I wasn’t spending 50,000 for her to have fun.</p>

<p>D1 was rejected from her ED school and in May she was at lost as to which school she wanted to go. I made the decision for her. I “pushed” her to go to the school she is at right now. She was so exhausted from the whole process she wasn’t thinking clearly. It was the worst period of our relationship. She later thanked me for seeing her throught it. </p>

<p>I am coming out on a different side than what most people are saying here (I often do). But D1 believed what I did was out of best of interest for her. Recently during her job search, she consulted me often on what she should do or say at her interviews. She made her own decision on which company to work for, but she did consult me before she made her decision.</p>

<p>I would listen to my kid as to why they are picking one school over another. If the reasoning is sound and reasonable, even if it’s not your choice, then I would go with it. If the reasoning is immature, then I wouldn’t have a problem to say that I wouldn’t pay for it.</p>

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<p>Pianomom - It may be too late to do this now. In our case what worked was to explain our concerns in concrete terms. With regard to a (good but really expensive) school that offered FA for freshman year only “We support your decision to attend, but if XXX University doesn’t renew your scholarship, you’re outta there.”</p>

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<p>I’ve noticed a difference here…</p>

<p>Some are saying that they let their kids pick even though the pick may not have been the ultimate best fit. That is totally understandable. :)</p>

<p>That’s not the same as saying that you let your kids pick even though you knew it was a really bad pick (I don’t know if that is the OP’s concern). It’s one thing to quietly go along when a child is picking a school that may not be the best fit but is “fine and acceptable,” and quietly going along when a child is picking a school that will likely be a disaster (especially if a merit scholarship is being given up at a better fit school.)</p>

<p>Oldfort made a great point about if her child had wanted to choose a school for ridiculous reasons, she would refuse to pay the $50k. </p>

<p>What if your child was choosing his school based on where his GF or where her BF was going and the school was a lousy choice for fit and major?</p>

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<p>oldfort - your D being at a “loss” is different than a student who has already picked, but picked “badly.” </p>

<p>Ex. the way you describe it, she had no clear top choice.</p>

<p>The way others and OP seem to be describing it is that S or D has heart set on a certain school or set of schools…</p>

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<p>re: a student picking “badly”</p>

<p>Does the student know they’ve picked badly? Can the “badliness” be explained in clear, simple terms?</p>

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<p>We had a situation where we allowed our D to choose most of the schools she applied to and then I got one pick and my husband got one pick. When I saw the pick he chose, I was kind of like “WHAT?” Why? </p>

<p>I didn’t “get” it. It wasn’t even on my radar. at all. (To be fair it is one of those schools which has gotten much better since we were in school and there was no reason I should have known about it…)</p>

<p>In April my D had been accepted to a lot of really great choices. Also, she was WL at the one I’d chosen. She was accepted into the honors program at the one H had chosen, and they practically pay her to go to school there. </p>

<p>By the time the acceptances had come in, she was already going to the school my H had chosen for her. One visit to the campus and she knew it was ‘for her.’</p>

<p>I was COMPLETELY wrong. Now, this doesn’t happen often. :wink: But, no, I wouldn’t have even considered this school. But she is doing well there acadamically, has been invited by more than one professor to work on a really amazing research project. They are right in the middle of the exact area of research which most interests her (THIS is what my husband had looked into to begin with and why he chose it for her), and she is getting to be involved in the exact questions she most wants to study.</p>

<p>I only say this because it is possible to be very wrong. At the outset none of the 3 of us would have thought he would have chosen the best school for her. Not even him.</p>

<p>Younger D has pointed out repeatedly, however, that he might have gotten lucky this time, but she isn’t even considering his first choice for HER. LOL. In the end, we just aren’t always as insightful about our kids as we wish we could be.</p>

<p>Oh, and one benefit of all of this is that she’s changed in ways I really hadn’t even envisioned for her. It’s been a really good experience to be wrong.</p>