Does Daughter wants expensive school because of boyfriend?

Parents Forum
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<p>My D had a tough time with her acceptances this year like so many others. She was not admitted to her preferred schools (in Boston), and was admitted to Penn State U Park, TCNJ and Drexel. She wants to be a business major. We live in NJ. She also got into SUNY Bing and Geneseo but those have been ruled out. Waitlisted at Lafayette, Northeastern and Trinity, but lately not interested in any of these.</p>

<p>We always told her that depending on where she got accepted, she might go to a state school over a private school, because there had to be real added value to justify the extra cost. If she went to a state school, we would make up the difference to her later in life as payment toward grad school or buying a home. We want to be fair vs. her big sis who went to a private school.</p>

<p>Her HS boyfriend wants to be an engineer and will be attending Drexel, as the only school he was admitted to. He's a good kid.</p>

<p>We never wanted our daughter to apply or go to Drexel, but it was a free application, and she insisted, it was easy, no essay, and she got in. </p>

<p>To be fair my daughter is a great kid and the following is out of character for her.</p>

<p>Now she insists that she can only go to Drexel. We've just re-visited all 3 schools. We've told her that based on her alternatives, Drexel makes no sense. Over 4 years it is 60k more than PS and 120k more than TCNJ. Yes Drexel's co-op program is great, but PSU has fantastic recruiting on campus, especially for the biz school. TCNJ really impressed us with what they do for internships and recruiting for biz majors. They have great placement stats and publish the exact firms and job titles of grads by major. Very impressive list to look at. Drexel is not better than either of the much lower cost alternatives. It may be worse.</p>

<p>It is just a few days away from having to decide. She is dug in - only Drexel. We've told her we won't tell her where to go but we can set financial boundaries and we won't pay for Drexel, but she can go anywhere else. We've rationally discussed the choices with her but she keeps talking Drexel. She wants to go somewhere where she will be happy and she says she won't be happy at TCNJ or PSU. Only Drexel. We seem to be engaged in brinksmanship. The clock is ticking and a decision must be made.</p>

<p>There is another wrinkle to the story. D has always been uncomfortable when away from home and has some separation anxiety. We believe this is playing a part as she will have the comfort of her HS boyfriend there. We think - what about being independent and not relying on your BF. What happens if you break up? A BF is not a good reason to choose a college.</p>

<p>We are totally stressing out over this. Our daughter is not normally bratty. I think her issue is more about separation anxiety and lately we've changed from logical rational discussion to more emotional based ones to get to the root of the problem. Another visit to the therapist tomorrow as well for all 3 of us. I hate to pay 120k extra for a salve for her separation anxiety. Just a few days left and we are desperately seeking a resolution.</p>

<p>We do not want all of us to be so stubborn that she accepts nothing.</p>

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<p>I suggest a pastor or therapist. If she is dug in, I’m not sure you’re going to make progress on your own. Are you willing to let her not go to college? To take out the difference in loans herself? She feels she holds the cards because she knows you want her to go to college. </p>

<p>Good luck. I’ve been in staring matches with my kids, too.</p>

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<p>What does Drexel cost in comparison to what you are paying for her sister’s private school? If you are willing to pay a lot for the sister’s school, are you refusing Drexel only because the boyfriend goes there? </p>

<p>It’s a big enough school that if the daughter and her boyfriend break up, they won’t run into each other all the time unless they are in the same major… For that matter, if you are refusing to send her there for fear of dealing with a broken relationship, would you insist that she transfer if she meets a guy at school, begins a relationship, and then breaks up with him?</p>

<p>Just a couple of ideas to ponder…</p>

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<p>Let her know that she can go to Drexel and she is responsible for taking out the additional 60K in loans…</p>

<p>THen sit her down and explain EXACTLY what that means; how much she will have to pay back etc…</p>

<p>Plain and simple…</p>

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<p>If your family has financial boundaries that your daughter needs to adhere to, she needs to KNOW that…but really she should have heard that before she applied to any school. If this is going to be a financially based decision, you need to let her know that any amount over a certain amount will not be funded by you…and you will NOT cosign a loan. Tell her today so she can go to the bank tomorrow and find out that she cannot get a loan in her own name without a cosigner.</p>

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<p>The fact that she also applied to Northeastern suggests that she had some interest in co-op schools all along. It may not be just the boyfriend.</p>

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<p>KKmama - Drexel is same cost as big sis’s school. That’s why we said we would make up the difference to her later. </p>

<p>thumper1 - we always said we would take finances into consideration depending on the costs and where she was accepted. We can afford it (it’s a hardship but doable) but we want to be careful we don’t squander the money.</p>

<p>Marian - I agree she liked the co-op. Learned about it from Northeastern. But then why didn’t she pursue the wait list at Northeastern? She declined it.</p>

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<p>Being put on a waitlist does not get you into the school. Odds are VERY high that she would not have gotten into Northeastern.</p>

<p>It sounds like you are as stubborn about her NOT going to Drexel as she is being about going… </p>

<p>You were willing to pay big bucks for the older sister, why not the younger one? </p>

<p>Drexel might be a better fit for her than Penn State. It’s not all about the academics. Drexel might be a good way to deal with her “separation anxieties” since it’s out of state for you, but not as far away as State College.</p>

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<p>I like mythmom’s suggestion of bringing in a mediator. Someone who might bring to light that maybe she is choosing Drexel for the wrong reasons. </p>

<p>Call the school guidance dept ( or even if you like one of the guidance couselors) for their list of therapists-- it may be the best $100 to $200 ever spent (possibly saving $60 K). Anxiety is a tough thing to overcome & right now I think you might represent the evil empire of trying to separate her from the bf. Good luck</p>

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<p>KKmama - We learned from our prior experience. For her older sis we paid maximum cost but did not get a maximum experience. I think that depending on the schools in the mix, state schools can make very attractive choices. We think D would be better off staked with 100k and a state school degree than 0k and a Drexel degree. It takes a long time to save 100k for us and even longer for her. Why spend the extra money without getting a return? That was our lesson. Also Penn State is way better for business, it’s not even close.</p>

<p>We are stubborn I guess. Hate spending 100k extra willy nilly.</p>

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<p>we are going for second visit to therapist tomorrow.</p>

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<p>I know someone who challenged their chikd to come up with a concrete list of 5 reasons why private $54KU was a better choice vs. $25K U (great big rah-rah w/ big scholarship offer). The P said a “feeling” or emotion about the school didn’t count - it had to be supported with evidence. </p>

<p>That helped child realize that she was making a $100 k investment decision on a feeling (which changes easily).</p>

<p>Then the P promised to take the difference in funds and actually invest it for chikd so that would grow in 4 yrs.</p>

<p>Also P said, if you go to $50K school do not ask for spending money, vacation $, clothes, etc. The bank will have run dry… </p>

<p>She wants to be a business major, right? ;)</p>

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<p>Tough situation. I agonized this time around about even including unaffordable schools on our list. We ended up putting a bunch on there anyways with the justification that maybe,maybe, maybe enough merit money would materialize. It did, surprisingly, from one school But we made it clear from the onset what we could afford, and our son just swept those that did not meet the price criteria off the table. But if he had truly wanted to go to one of those schools and his choices were among a bunch of other schools he truly did not like anywhere near as much, my emotions would be churning. I’m a mom and I want to give my children what they want. I’m glad I’m not there.</p>

<p>Is the situation such that you would not have paid for any school that costs what Drexel costs when cheaper alternatives are available, or is it that you don’t think Drexel is worth the price, or that you think it’s the boyfriend driving the choice? Would you be agreeable to Drexel if the boyfriend were not at all in the picture? I’m trying to get what the hangup is for you and your husband; Drexel itself, the cost itself, the boyfriend itself, the whole combo, or maybe Drexel and the cost. If you D had gotten a merit award that brought the cost of Drexel to that of Penn State, would you have been ok with her choice? Or would it have to have been the cost of TCNJ to be acceptable to you? </p>

<p>My impression is that you don’t think Drexel is worth the cost, given other choices and that boyfriend is the driving reason for her choice. </p>

<p>The problem if that is the case, is that you are really being very controlling in areas where you do have choices, not because you are forced. It’s not that you can’t afford Drexel. It’s not that you are against Drexel. It’s not that you don’t like the boyfriend. Your honing into some very precise targets of what you don’t like, and though I know how you feel, it really is micro managing. It is your money, so, of course, it’s your right, but my feeling is that having a kid go to a college s/he picks is a big marker for success. When they go with resentment, anything that goes wrong is magnified, and believe me things go wrong, and it becomes an excuse that they never wanted to go there in the first place but the parents made them go. I am writing in plurals because I have heard that song dozens of times always to no good end. </p>

<p>If this were my child and I were in your situation with your feelings, and I really can understand this because I would feel that way too–I think I know exactly what you don’t like about all of this, here is what I would do: I would let her know exactly how I feel. I would tell her exactly what my fears are, about breaking up with the BF as that commonly happens and then hating the school since the main reason that you suspect she wants to go there is because of the BF and you really don’t think she would even be considering the school otherwise. I would tell her that you don’t think the school is worth the money it is going to cost. I would say that it is not the right choice for her in your opinion.<br>
But in the end, I would let her make the pick and then just shut up about the whole thing and be supportive. Cry in my pillow, complain to my close friends and here at CC but hope, hope, hope that things work out at Drexel for her. it really is a good school and I know many kids who have graduated successfully from there. It was on my son’s list and seriously considered though it didn’t make the cut for application. If it made the cost criterion and he wanted to go there, I would give him my blessings. </p>

<p>Just my opinon.</p>

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<p>I understand the idea of paying for a school that is “worth it” and not for one that isn’t. But this is a moving target. For some, only Ivies are worth it, and many students come to these boards to complain about that.</p>

<p>It’s hard to gauge value when we don’t know outcomes. Rankings etc. don’t do it, because kids to not thrive according to rankings.</p>

<p>It really is a tough one.</p>

<p>And the suggestion that you pay what you want and let your daughter absorb the rest as debt doesn’t really work for me, because who is going to absorb that debt realistically when the young person can’t pay her rent because of loan payments?</p>

<p>So perhaps the best scenario is offering the money as an investment if a less expensive option is chosen. </p>

<p>If they break-up and the student wants to transfer to a less expensive school, that isn’t the end of the world. Many kids do well after a transfer.</p>

<p>Still, I do feel for you.</p>

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<p>When my son was quite young, I wanted to cut his hair myself. He was quite adamant that he wanted the $10 haircut. I bribed him by offering to split the difference. He got $5 everytime he let me cut his hair. We both ‘won.’ </p>

<p>The problem is that your daughter gets nothing out of not going to Drexel. Bribe her. Offer to set her up with half the savings if she goes to a cheaper school toward a new car, or whatever she would prefer with the proviso that it is a useful purchase. That way you will both ‘win.’ Somewhere in this process, she has to feel like she is making the choice, not you. </p>

<p>I know when I was her age, the prospect of having to take out a large loan would not have fazed me in the least. Unfortunately, it still doesn’t :eek:</p>

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<p>That is far too much money too follow a boyfriend and, yes, I think that’s why she’s doing it.</p>

<p>I would not let my kid “dig in” at that cost. If she misses out on college this year, there is always next year. It’s probably going to come as a shock to her when you don’t fold but it’s an important life lesson, in my opinion.</p>

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<p>I guess I’m more of a hard ass than the other nice parents here. I’d just say no. If she won’t go anywhere then, let her take a gap year. I do think kids should get to make their own decisions, but not make decisions about how you spend your money. She can make her own decision about how she wants to spend her gap year.</p>

<p>I do think the boyfriend should not be part of the consideration at all though. I’d just take that completely off the table. It may be in her head, but you should get it out of yours – not a positive, not a negative.</p>

<p>But, yeah, that conversation would be over already at my house.</p>

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<p>Part of the problem is that </p>

<p>1) they can “afford” it
2) are paying it for the older sister
3) did not make expectations clear enough in the front end.</p>

<p>I think, regardless of her reasons for wanting to attend Drexel, she must feel like she is being shortchanged.</p>

<p>Just saw the part about the ‘grad school or home’ later. That may be too abstract and far off to make a difference to her as an 18 year old.</p>

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<p>Yes, but the OP said it has not turned out to be money well-spent with the older sister. That is a different from saying “older sister gets preferential treatment.” I agree the expectations were not made clear on the front end. The child seems to think this is negotiable and evidently the parents are in negotiation mode, too, so I can see why it’s gotten so murky.</p>

<p>It does give me pause that a student who wants to major in business is looking at this in such an impractical, emotional way. Bad business move, turning down the prospect of a better program and a significant stake from mom and dad down the road.</p>

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<p>I would let her go to Drexel. It’s not about the money for you. You said you would give her the difference. Drexel is a good school with strong science and engineering in case business ends up boring her. She wants it badly and you said her behavior was out of character.</p>