<p>Caringdad:</p>
<p>I truly feel for you and your wife right now, as well as for your daughter who’s probably also going through hell having to decide on what seems to her to be “her entire future”.</p>
<p>I know it could sound a bit strange, but why not have a talk with the boyfriend?.. Some interesting themes may come up from such conversation and shed some light on the situation.</p>
<p>Just a thought.</p>
<p>Hang in there!</p>
<p>Thanks for all the comments. Please try to keep them constructive.</p>
<p>I agree I have to be careful how I characterize my feelings for Drexel. I don’t think I’ve disparaged them. Just a value thing. Isn’t it common - public vs. private? </p>
<p>FYI daughter has been with this boy for over a year now.</p>
<p>
This is stated a bit harshly, but this was my reaction to this story as well. As others have pointed out, you didn’t tell her that you wouldn’t pay for Drexel before she applied there, and you indicated that you could pay as much as you’re paying for her sister’s education.</p>
<p>My suggestion is this: if you can’t bring yourself to allow her to go to Drexel, you should admit to her that you’re reneging on the deal. Don’t pretend otherwise. Tell her you’re really sorry, but that you feel that you know best, and that as her parents you are taking the decision away from her, even though you let her believe that it was her decision.</p>
<p>And if you can’t bring yourself to do that, then let her go to Drexel.</p>
<p>ok - Hunt and jonri - re welching</p>
<p>We did not welch.</p>
<p>We never wanted her to apply to drexel. We said it didn’t make sense for her compared to the state schools she was applying to. There were several other schools that were in the same discussion. We always said we would evaluate the costs of schools in the final decision. D said maybe she’ll get some merit aid from drexel - and she did - 1000. Not enough to be impactful to the finances.</p>
<p>I think our offer to pay her the difference in costs afterwards is part of the problem. I was trying to be fair and generous. I guess no good deed goes unpunished.</p>
<p>Thanks for clarifying that, caringdad. I suspect she’s accusing you of welching, though. Unfortunately, teens often hear what they want to hear, rather than what you’re actually saying. I guess I think the best thing is to really listen to the mediator/therapist.</p>
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<p>I agree–you should know your kid well enough to have an idea whether she’ll waste an opportunity and not bring in the fact that big sis wasted your money. </p>
<p>Otherwise, this will be just another reason for the younger sister to have hard feelings towards the older–Mom and Dad spent all this money to send you to the school of your choice and they won’t do it for me, even though they could. Plus, because you squandered your opportunity, they won’t even give me an opportunity.</p>
<p>I feel for you, caringdad. I would love to see my d spread her wings socially, but she and bf are heading for the same institution. Our case is very different, though. Both kids made the best financial decision. It just so happens d1 gets a tuition break because I am an employee of the school, and bf gets a heckuva fin aid package because my employer is very, very generous to the lowest income students (we truly live our mission here). </p>
<p>While she may be mad, the purse strings are yours. If you won’t pay for Drexel, no matter how badly she wants it, it can’t happen. My d1 can throw a frightful fit, but once she calms down, she knows doing something stupid just to “prove” something to H or I hurts her more. Your D wants to go to college, and I hope she’s not stubborn enough to refuse to go anywhwere but a place you won’t pay for just because she thinks it’ll teach you a lesson.</p>
<p>Dad- there is no fair in parenting.</p>
<p>
Just make sure that when you’re talking to the mediator, you consider the reverse of the quoted statement.</p>
<p>Well, if your D is shy and has a potential for homesickness, then mightn’t Penn State be both too far away and too big? It’s not like you could easily go and pick her up every weekend if she wanted to come home, like you could for TCNJ or Drexel. Secondly, I don’t know anything about Drexel’s social environment, but NJ friends tell me that TCNJ is a suitcase school–many kids do go home on weekends. Also, I don’t get the impression there’s a lot to do off campus, that is, that there’s much of a college town around it. Is there? No doubt the really social kids meet enough people that it’s fun for them to hang around on Sat. and Sun, but the more reserved types may go home. IMO, TCNJ has a reputation for education. I’ve never heard of it having a great reputation for business, though no doubt you’ve researched that. Still, my friend did not feel their career placement office was very good for their son and his major (CS).</p>
<p>So I guess I’m also not as sure as you are that Penn State or TCNJ are much better choices for your D than Drexel.</p>
<p>I know two great kids who go toTCNJ. Both are there on at least some merit money, one has a full ride, both could have gone to highly selective schools. I know great kids at Drexel too, some paying full price. It’s all a matter of what the payer wants to pay for what. It’s his right.</p>
<p>Re suitcase school - i expect if my daughter goes to TCNJ that she will leave every weekend - to nearby Philly to Drexel to see her BF.</p>
<p>^ Yes, and that is a reason why you can say no to Drexel and it doesn’t mean she can’t still see her BF frequently.</p>
<p>Well…if you made it clear that you weren’t thrilled with Drexel upfront, that’s a different matter. I didn’t get that impression from your first post. But, since that’s the case, and because you HAVE told her you’d give her the “balance” of college funds for other purposes, don’t make the argument about cost. </p>
<p>Just as she should have to define exactly why she wants to go to Drexel, you and mom should have to define why you do NOT want her to go to Drexel. If the BF is the real reason, then say that. </p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>Wow, this is a tough decision and I don’t know what the right answer is, but as a Penn State alum, I have to agree with those who are saying that Penn State may not be the best place for a shy and anxious kid. It is very easy to fall through the cracks there. It is a huge place and you are a number. No adult will notice or care if you stop showing up to classes. It becomes all too easy to medicate the anxiety with alcohol. I don’t mean to disparage Penn State because it is wonderful in its way and can be a great place for a kid who knows how to go after the opportunities that are available, but for someone who is shy and anxious, it can be a tough place to be.</p>
<p>@blueiguana-Agree completely! My parents paid for my sisters to attend Northwestern, UC Berkely OOS, Kenyon (full pay), and I went to U. of Dayton for free (stepfather was a prof. there). I never felt gilted in any way, or treated unfairly, because my school didn’t cost them as much! They provided me with an education and I am grateful, period. But this is interesting to see all the opinions here.</p>
<p>Don’t let her emotionally rob you. You know darn well it is not a good business decision to go to Drexel. Why would you let your dd, who plans to major in busines, not make a better business plan? Why buy an equal or less value product for more money? I am a double business major graduate from the UMCP and believe me she will never make up the difference in income. </p>
<p>Since the colleges are so close let them visit each other on the weekends and keep their thoughts on college during the week. </p>
<p>Oh btw my oldest dd has emotionally rob me into allowing her to attend the more expensive state school but it is a much better school and I feel less mad about it. She got about the same merit aid but one school is double the tuition of the other.</p>
<p>momof3: I don’t think anyone has a great argument to make that TCNJ is clearly better than Drexel for business majors. TCNJ isn’t anywhere near UMCP’s league in that regard. The argument applies to Penn State, which has a quite reputable business school. But Penn State isn’t “so close” to Drexel that the kids could visit every weekend. It’s a pain in the butt to travel between State College and Philadelphia. The “let them visit on weekends” solution only works if the OP’s kid goes to TCNJ</p>
<p>Ok we have a resolution: TCNJ</p>
<p>We just electronically accepted them and sent in the downpayment on a credit card.</p>
<p>D finally relented in a 2 hour session with therapist as moderator. She didn’t like Penn State because it is too big and she doesn’t want 500 people in a class. I think that’s a reasonable decision. We were all very impressed with the TCNJ business program when we were there. (I have an MBA from NYU Stern so I have some experience to compare it to).</p>
<p>To close the deal there was a promise of extra spending money so she could have fun at TCNJ and visit her boyfriend if she wants. Really small potatoes in the grand scheme.</p>
<p>We are so relieved. Thanks to everyone for their support and comments both good and bad. We considered all that you said.</p>
<p>Tomorrow I can get back to work instead of refreshing this forum constantly.</p>
<p>Hugs to you all for finding a solution where everyone felt their concerns were honored and validated!! I’d put this in the all-win pile and move on. Good for you for finding a moderator. It probably helped facilitate communication. I’m so happy everyone is pleased!! :)</p>