That sounds so awful snd scary 
1 Like
I just reread your initial post which started this thread. My strongest impression is that your son may need to switch therapists since his year long counseling seems to have resulted in a deterioration of his state of mind. Maybe the meds need to be adjusted or changed. If your son returns home, then finding a new therapist would seem to be a natural part of the change of scenery.
Of course, I am just offering a guess/suggestion as I am NOT a medical professional.
6 Likes
Can’t help but think he needs a different therapist after a year. I’d be looking for one for him now whether he wants one or not. Does he want the therapist or humoring you?
Do you know why he won’t do the testing? It’s not like it’s graded or there are right or wrong answers. They may show nothing at all (which helps too).
2 Likes
I’m not going to speculate too much, but there seems to be more going on than he’s telling you, if he’s flunking out of all of most or all his classes two semesters in a row. It could be mental health, substance abuse, or a combination of both. Right now, it sounds like he needs help. You’re the one with the authority to make the call for tough love or not, but maybe that’s what he needs right now.
Based on the other posts, it may just be ADHD. There’s medicine to treat that. That could explain the poor academic performance and defensive behavior. It explains the high school behavior. It could also explain why he didn’t do so hot during the COVID semesters when EVERYTHING was online self-study. I have a teenage daughter who has that, and it was a very difficult transition to online learning. Sheesh! That girl is as stubborn as her dad! 
Your approach is the difference between defiance or opening up. He probably just feels bad about his grades and he wants to try again. That being said, he may just be in an academic black hole because of the lack of structure and abundant distraction. To reboot, he needs to get back into a structured environment…work for instance, then ease back into school. After perhaps a semester or a year, the COVID pandemic will have passed and he can go back to a structured environment.
Ultimately, have him see the doctor to confirm and get on the right meds.
3 Likes
The college question is simple. If he’s not prepared to work very hard, stay out for now. Money aside, one or two more near failing semesters and it will no longer be his choice whether he attends. He’ll be dismissed for academic reasons. That won’t help any of his other issues either. He needs to dry out in some sense.
A job is a good idea, but of course that’s 10x as complicated as usual due to Covid. He “should” be willing to work, unless he’s truly afraid of Covid. But what he “should” do isn’t necessarily the issue right now.
I’d be more detached, but I am not sure demanding is right immediately. Advise him (and also withhold money) to stay home, whether he works or not, and try to get him to look to his own power to improve his situation rather than blaming you for not being the first-ever perfect parents, even if it is your “fault” to any degree.
1 Like
I think there is a lot of wisdom in @JBStillFlying 's advice. We went through something similar with our daughter in high school. She had always been a strong student and then suddenly couldn’t deal with it anymore. In the beginning, as parents, we had a vision of how her future “should” play out and our focus was on trying to get back on that path as quickly as possible. Gradually we learned to give up that vision and focus on the longer term. We learned that she has a form of epilepsy. She was also suffering nearly daily migraines, and the two things together led to her becoming seriously depressed and anxious. It’s amazing how many wrong turns we took along the way, investigating possible dyslexia, possible sinus problems, possible asthma, possible hypochondria. Finally, when we found ourselves contemplating the possibility of schizophrenia, her doctor decided to send her for an EEG, as some of what she was describing just didn’t fit. That’s how we found the epilepsy, but then everyone thought the headaches were part of that and it took another two years to pin down the migraine piece of the puzzle. Now, three years later, her depression is gone and the epilepsy and migraines are under control with medication, and she is doing very well and will graduate from high school this summer, but it was a very long, hard road to get to where we are today. Initially, she was very resistant to therapy, to medications, to a lot of what was being suggested, but over time she realized that some things were actually helping, and she became a much more active participant in her own treatment. Of course, she blamed us, and of course we thought she should be trying harder to help herself. But gradually, we all got past that and learned to acknowledge the illness was the issue and dealing with the illness was the challenge. I can still beat myself up over why we didn’t find and solve the problem earlier, why I thought she was responsible, etc., etc. - as parents, we expect ourselves to be perfect- but at the end of the day, I feel pretty good about what we’ve accomplished as a family and I am optimistic about her future, even if it won’t be quite the one we envisioned three years ago. I think your situation is harder, as your son is older and you can’t just take him to the doctor as we could with our 16-year old, but I hope you can find a way to work together on this.
14 Likes