Don't send you daughters too far away to college.

Parents Social Lounge
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<p>bhg: Along with your more immediate need, I am also getting valuable perspective on the changing relationship with my D that I've begun sensing at age 19. I have not experienced a similar emotional withdrawal yet with my 24 y/o S who has a very serious gf. IF they end up together, they will be geographically closer to his in-laws than to us.

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send little goodies and always ........money.

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I caution you against sending $$. While we appreciated the $ my parents occasionally sent us when we were starving newlyweds and young two-income parents, we eventually came to view it as their way of loving and controlling us. To this day, my widowed mother sends us checks with subtle (and sometimes unspoken) messages about what she feels we should spend it on. I'd much rather have a HUG. She'll also pop $20 or $50 into an letter to her college grandkids. She does not need to control them, but it is her way of expressing love.</p>

<p>I liked SBMom's suggestion of writing letters to your grandbaby. Those are truly expressions of love. Money is a tricky matter, open for interpretation (good or bad) by the giver and the recipient.</p>

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<p>BHG,</p>

<p>You are going to make your self crazy over this in addition you are going to place your self in a no-win situation while placing your self on the down side of the power dynamic between you and your daughter.</p>

<p>First of all in the words of one wise poster, *Love the child you have, not hte one you wish you had. * As many have already said your daughter is growing and trying to find her own way. Okay, she will make a couple of missteps and have a few Oops ,moments (who hasn't) but I am quite sure you are never far from her thoughts.</p>

<p>I understand that some of your post reflect your need to get your vent off, and by all means I am happy to say that we are here to help you get through it, but killing your son, and his parents, are going to but some major distance between you and your child. Remember her immeadiate family has changed to now being her husband and her child. Doesn't part of the vows speak about leaving your parents and cleaving to your spouse (or atleast it says that in genesis 2nd chapter For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. </p>

<p>In the end it is not about controlling parents and in-laws,(even if it were the case) it is about you supporting and being supportive of your child. Personally, I would be doing back flips to know that my daughter is not alone and getting some level of support while she has so many new things happening at once. Would you really rather have her doing all of this alone? At the end of the day you love her and I don't believe that you want her to be out there with no support system what so ever. Since you can't be there it is a blessing that some one else is taking up the slack.</p>

<p>Have you tried bonding with her MIL? Let her know that you are there if either of them need you. You will always have this grandchild (ren) in common and she would probably be more than happy to fill you in on the baby's progress. In addition, your daughter sees you as the one taking the high road in all of his.</p>

<p>Kosha bring up a good point about kids number 3 & 4 watching how you handle all of this and are taking mental notes because they know that they will one day be in the same position.</p>

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<p>Some of these posts are bringing tears to my eyes. Orange Blossom, you're last post was especially beautiful and touched me deeply. This forum is such a great way to get discount therapy from thoughtful and intelligent parents who have great perspectives and advice.</p>

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<p>UN-SOCCERMOM -</p>

<p>Thanks so much for reminding me about Kahlil Gibran. My husband, then fiance, gave me a copy of it when we were engaged. I'd forgotten its eloquent wisdom.</p>

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<p>I went to college three hours from home. Ended up marrying someone who lived 3500 miles from my parents. There is no guarantee that anyone is going to stay close to home even if they go to college in the same town and while it is hard to think of my kids going far away, I know it is their life, and life has a way of taking its own course. I have to let them go just as my mother let me go.</p>

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<p>THUMPER1 -</p>

<p>Hi, just wanted to let you know that sons do return home. In my immediate neighborhood (within eye-shot), there are two families that have sons who have gone, then returned. One is mid-20s; the other is late 20s. Both are wonderfully friendly, well-adjusted young men who have gone forward to find themselves, then have returned home knowing who they are and understanding that living with mom and/or dad is an okay option until the winds of change blow them once again in a different direction.</p>

<p>ON RELATIONSHIPS AT A DISTANCE:
I want to impress on you my belief that all kinds of relationships can work if the parties themselves want them to. I came from a very Italian ethnic home in which family is everything. I left home to follow my dreams. In life there are trade-offs, some readily apparent, some not. You become the person God intends you to be by learning from your choices. If I hadn't moved away from home, I would never have truly understood how much my parents meant to me. Just the same way that I never would have truly understood all that my mom and dad did for me growing up unless I had adopted my own DS and experienced it myself. (And, had I not moved away from home, I never would have adopted the dear boy I did.) When some doors are closed, others are opened. No one will ever convince me that I had a lesser quality relationship with my parents because I moved away. Yes, I may have had less face time, but that doesn't mean that I had less involvement or caring. My parents helped open every door for me, and I am doing the same for my son. I respect them immeasurably for doing that. As for the breakdown of society, I believe that it has less to do with scattered families than it does with the core values that those families taught the youngsters over time. When I was growing up, my parents set a firm example of what a good father/mother/child is...how a family should function. We each were taught to honor our families and be there for them. Despite the distance, I've always been there every time I was needed. No one needed to pound on me to do so, I did so freely because I loved the people that they were. </p>

<p>I'll always love and worry about my mom (she's the only one left now on both sides) whether she's next door or hours away. My mom was always very dependent on my dad for everything. In the years since my father's death, my mom has grown so much as a person. Yes, she's still pretty dependent, but her being on her own has enabled her to grow and prove to herself that she is much stronger than she originally thought. It's too easy to make blanket generalizations about was constitutes a good or a bad relationship. Each one must be taken on a case-by-case.</p>

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<p>CAROLYN -
What a nice post...from a woman who truly knows how close we wish to hold our children. Hope all is going well with you and Amanda. We send our love. Claire</p>

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<p>BHG - have you asked your daughter if there is anything you can do to help her? She might be sick of being at her in-laws house while hubby is at work. You could volunteer to pay for her and the baby to come visit you. Or you could volunteer to go where she is and go house-hunting with her when hubby is at work. (stay in a hotel) Make the invitation open. If she doesn't feel like doing it now, it should be okay. But let her know that the option is there anytime she wants it.</p>

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<p>A suggestion to help blurr the boundaries between parents/adult children: Learn to ask for their practical advice (ie..gift ideas, vacation spots, computer questions, investments, anything that they really care about--avoid psychological therapy questions!)--but don't go overboard on this... I truly respect my young adult's opinions about things, and I appreciate their sincere responses. This is an opportunity to let the "child" give advice to the "adult". You are much more likely to get a response to an email where you ask for specific advice, than an email asking for just an update...Be sure to thank them for their opinion and their time...</p>

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<p>I'm with Carolyn. I was and am perfectly prepared for my son in LA to stay there. We knew that when he went off to USC. It's his life. He needs to live it.</p>

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<p>BHG: Give her time. She'll come around. I did the same thing to my mom. I made her feel like a secondhand mom to my new perfect MIL, and my MIL did everything in her power to reinforce her influence. I didn't see this until I was older and smarter, and my kids were in grade school. </p>

<p>Y'know, when you're a young mother, your perspective on things is kind of skewed. A young mom's head is so deep into "nesting" and building her family that it is very difficult to empathize with anyone else's situation. I'm practically euphoric about being almost fifty, and I feel like I'm just hitting my stride as a fully developed, fully functioning adult. No more guesswork. What you see is what you get! ;) Woo-hoo! But, your D is just starting the difficult work of being a mother and a wife. There will be phases when she will need to focus entirely on herself and on her family. I don't think it is necessarily a reflection of the true feelings she has for you. </p>

<p>I started to realize how much my kids were missing by not knowing their eccentric gramma. I got with the program eventually, and told my perfect MIL to go find somebody else to dominate. And, sure enough, she did. Last I heard, she was redecorating the house of my BIL and his new second wife. Good luck with that! :o </p>

<p>I came back to my mom, and now, I can tell you that she is my fiercest defender and my best friend. She never stopped doing that for me, but I got pretty self-righteous and oversensitive in my 20's. It was all of those heavy-duty mom hormones swirling around that made me crazy. Now, that I'm in my 40's, I have a better understanding of balance, and I can appreciate my mom for who she is. </p>

<p>The really great thing that I hear you saying is that you want to be a part of this grandbaby's life. One of the things that both of my grandmothers did that I treasure so much now is that they both wrote letters and sent cards to me when I was growing up. We lived 3,000 miles away from both sets of grandparents, and what a thrill it was when a letter arrived addressed only to me. Boy, did I feel special! Birthday cards with fake birthstones and glitter, postcards with kittens that squeeked, letters describing the snow on the moutains, and visits with other relatives. I still have every one, and the love that still comes through those letters is awesome. </p>

<p>Besides giving your grown daughter the chance to do her thing with the in-laws (I know it's a bi***), send some cards and little presents to your grandchild. It will let your daughter know that you may be separated by distance, but you are still thinking of them. Get your mind off of the in-laws, and put your energy into positive steps. Be patient, and wait for the call from your D when she needs a mom to talk to. Believe me, those moments will come. </p>

<p>My D is 21, and in the last year, has come to the realize that she is the smartest human being who has ever walked the Earth. She's also glommed onto her b/f and the b/f's family. His mother just treated my D, the b/f's sister, and herself to a day at a spa...from us, she will get a kick in the rear if she doesn't straighten up! :) Power to the Parents! Hang in there, BHG.</p>

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<p>I am rendered speechless by how many parents want to assure backhand her daughter will "come around." This is beyond unhealthy. Power to parents? In most cases, you will get the love you earn. If you believe that having your kids live in the neighborhood and count of you is healthy, ummmm, watch daytime doctors on television!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</p>

<p>You only need a mom to talk to if you have a mom you can talk to. Most people I know don't!</p>

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<p>to be fair suze some cultures value immediate and extended family members much more than we independent americans do.
My sister inlaw- who is Columbian- has her mother from Columbia stay with her for several months every year and my own mother is getting ready to move in and stay for the school year.
My mother is not exactly the brightest crayon in the box, but my SIL insists that her husband treats her better when MIL is there.
I hope it helps, but she has a higher tolerance level than I do. My mom is the kind who uses every bowl in the place to make a piece of toast and the very few times I had her over to watch my kids, I was greeted with more of a disaster than I left with, so it didn't exactly encourage me to have her over more often!
My SIL thinks she is very wise and helpful however, so more power to her- itll give her something to do besides watching TV all day anyway.</p>

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<p>Thank you for all the really beautiful posts. I do appreciate your words, Sluggbugg, Orange Blossom , Sybbie, and I am reading them all. They do help keep my head clear and in perspective. In fact, it's really helpful to see other perspectives. I think, how could it be elsewise? then read another perspective and understand better.</p>

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<p>BHG, there is no question that this is a difficult situation for you. I'm sure it will feel differently for me when my daughter finally does move far away. I have to say...this thread has given me a lot of food for thought...ways that perhaps I can go about making this transition easier for myself, my husband and my children (and future grandchildren...although not yet!!). Thank you for starting this thread. I know it's made ME think.</p>

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<p>This is a fascinating thread. I see so much in the comments both as a daughter and as the mom of a daughter.</p>

<p>Re going to college near home: my sister and I both attended college 15 minutes away from home (both our parents' alma mater). We both moved to the opposite coast and settled there (husbands' jobs were there, but we were both happy to resettle away from where we grew up). Now my mom lives in the opposite corner of the U.S. and it's a LONG trip for visits. We see my mom only once or twice a year. She isn't close to any of the grandchildren, and I think that's because she didn't come to visit too much when they were younger; also she kind of pushes for a relationship with them, and not in the most sincere kind of way.</p>

<p>Re the son-in-law: this is just a thought, but some men go through a real jerky phase with a first baby, when they are just impossible (the H, not the baby). (My theory is that they don't get to be the baby any more...) Your D might be dealing with some real issues there, and maybe doesn't want you to know. </p>

<p>Re 23-year-old Ds: When I was 23, I moved several states away for my H to attend grad school. I was in my first professional job and so happy to be living somewhere where no one knew my parents. I didn't have much time at all for my parents. That lasted about two years. Gradually I was happier to go home for visits and talk to them more. By 30 and the arrival of my first baby, I was much more interested in contact with my mom, and she came to help when I was having difficulty adjusting to a baby. The reason I could accept her help (and ask for it) was that time of not too much communication on my part when I was establishing myself as more of an independent woman. </p>

<p>Re grandparents: I'm sure this must be so hard with a first grandchild, to see the other grandparents have more time and an earlier start with this baby. But the more people who love your grandchild and look out for his/her welfare, the more blessed that child is. My own D has never met one of her grandmothers (who now has severe dementia) and she met one grandfather only once for an hour. Someone in Dear Abby once wrote about how her child had "the shopping grandma" and "the cooking grandma." Kids with multiple loving grandparents are lucky.</p>

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<p>Emerald, certainly different culture view family differently. The Asian kid's posts on sites like this has certainly enlightened me. I do hope, however, that parents raising kids in America can get real. When someone posts, they deserve honest answers. If I am to be totally honest, I know why this daughter does not want her mother to play a significant role in her life. I have so many friends who have clingy mothers who still want their lives to revolve around grown children that I feel the need to be open. Kids with clingy mothers run away the minute they can. You can bet this girl will feel close to a mother in law who treats her differently. The you don't call, you don't write routine is a joke where I go to school. On the other hand, after every visit by my mom everyone tells me how much they envy me. </p>

<p>With my mom it's never about her needs. What's the old expression about letting something go and see if comes back? Sorry parents, you need to let go.</p>

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<p>BHG, while I empathize with you, I have to say some of your actions puzzle me. </p>

<p>JMHO, but your daughter deserves respect. </p>

<p>She is an adult now, and needs to be given the same courtesy you give other adults in your life. She may be only 23 but I'm sure she did not go into marriage and baby and in-laws lightly. She is a college-educated young woman with a full plate. She doesn't need someone (she loves very much) constantly pointing out "faults".</p>

<p>She needs to know you love and support her - unconditionally. </p>

<p>If she doesn't call you - pick up the phone, call her and just say HI. no judgments just hi - 2 minute conversation, hope all is well. Love you, bye....
If she doesn't email - continue to send things you want her to know - but be brief - maybe she doesn't have hours to spend at the computer.</p>

<p>Just have patience and bite that tongue.</p>

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<p>Suze: You're right, parents do have to let go, but that can be a longer learning process for some than for others- in some families it comes naturally, in some, help and encouragement is needed. The thing you have not yet seen is that when parents do let go, in many cases, the relationship improves.</p>

<p>Some of it is simply personalities and may never improve the connection, but most people, especially as they age, would be content to have a "good" relationship with their parents- depending on the parent! If moms & dads can let go at this critical stage, when ya'll are forming your own individual lives, then maybe things will turn out positive for all.</p>

<p>We are trying to encourage BHG to not fear letting go and giving her daughter space, no guaratees they'll reconnect, but it is highly likley!!</p>

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<p>Why am I being called clingy? I have a grandchild. Certainly I want to have a relationship with my grandchild. Don't kids owe that to their parents if their parents have been good to them?
Have to say, it is helpful to hear what I should and should not say to her. I don't want to be lacking in tact. Bite my tongue, you know.
Guess this thread should move on now. I think I've got it.Thanks.</p>