Down to the wire and still doubtful

Parent Cafe
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<p>Here I am, back with the continuation of the long story...</p>

<p>We leave tomorrow amidst (still) her many, many doubts and fears. We continue to pack, picking up the minivan today, taking the dog to the kennel, picking up last little things. She changes her mind at least four times a day about whether she will leave or not. </p>

<p>This all seems pretty wrong to me as a way to start school, especially one 7 hours from home. Save forcing her into the car, I don't actually know if we will get out the door, or if we will make it all the way to the school. 7 hours in the car, plenty of room for several changes of mind. Or if once we get to the school she will stay there. </p>

<p>I feel like I'm back at pre-school with her refusing to get out of the car. Thing is, every time she has refused to get out of the car there have been good reasons for it. Often I have forced her out of that car, but that has never worked out so well either. So it's hard not to trust her in this. She has considered waiting and going instead to a school closer by, but really wants to be somewhere NOW. If she goes, she will either love it or transfer out, but the departure feels HORRIBLE. </p>

<p>Some of this is her strong feeling that she has chosen the wrong school. Some of it is leaving her boyfriend who, I have to agree, would be very hard to leave (and will be 10 hours away). She could, if she wanted to, wait, but she feels that she would be doing that mostly because of him, and doesn't want to be "that person." </p>

<p>I've presented various options: stay home, look for schools you feel better about, see boyfriend, make a more informed decision (which might end up being the current school, who knows). But get more information and give yourself time to settle this out. </p>

<p>Or, go to school, see how it is, transfer out midyear if you can/want to, go to a school you really want to go to.</p>

<p>Or it might be go to school, love it, stay.</p>

<p>Mostly I feel sad because she has, in various ways too long to go into, painted herself into this corner and now is just tormented about being in it. No choice seems right, all choices seem terrible. </p>

<p>RIght, this is not Darfur, in the scheme of things this is not a terrible problem to have, etc., but when you are 17 and feel trapped, it is.</p>

<p>All of you have been very kind in listening to this saga, and offering your support and advice. Now I'm asking for your prayers (if you pray) and your hopeful wishes for a resolution that maybe we can't even imagine as yet. This now feels that it is way beyond me, or her, to manage.</p>

<p>Thanks, Heron</p>

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<p>Of course, you have our prayers (and every other good thought we can send up into the universe). And our belief that, with such understanding parents, all will work out for your daughter.</p>

<p>Last fall a friend of my son’s decided on the very last day NOT to attend his first choice college, scholarships in place, 1000 miles away from home. He enrolled at another college offering his intended major, 1/2-way between divorced parents’ hometowns, close enough to girlfriend and did well his freshman year. There are, as you point out, many possible happy endings to the story.</p>

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<p>Thank you. Did he have to wait a year before entering the college, or was he somehow able to do that the same year?</p>

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<p>HERON -</p>

<p>May God bless you. I can only imagine the intense feelings of pain, anxiety and emotions that you, your daughter and your family are feeling at this moment. You seem to have thought every thing out though and apparently there is no “simple” answer - You appear to be realistic about this situation and that is a good thing towards resolving your saga. I will keep you in my prayers and I will have belief that eventually, there will be a positive resolution for your daughter.</p>

<p>Stay strong. I will be thinking good thoughts for you. God Bless.</p>

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<p>Heron, although I’m not a huge Dr. Laura fan for some of her wacko opinions, she often has some extreme wisdom to share for situations like yours. Every time a caller is stuck like your D, Dr. L’s advice is usually, “you see that chair in the middle of the room? Every time you walk past it you bang your shin? You get up in the middle of the night and stub your toe? You often think, “gosh, my life would be so much better if that chair weren’t sitting in the middle of the room”. Well guess what-- get up and move the chair, 'cause it ain’t going anywhere by itself.”</p>

<p>I think if there were a right answer or a good answer or a better answer, your D would have figured it out over the last few months of torment. Maybe the right answer is for her to “get up and move the $%^& chair”, i.e. get in the car, move in to her dorm, register for her classes and make a good faith effort to get on with her life. If it’s a mistake she’ll know by Columbus Day, if she’s made a good faith effort. If it was the right decision she’ll know that within a few weeks as well. If there’s a better decision out there, the clarity that comes from time and distance and space and new people around her will help her get there as well.</p>

<p>Right now you guys are circling the chair, talking about the chair, cursing the chair, wishing the chair were somewhere else, or just hoping that if you work hard enough at it, the problem of the chair will get resolved. Just move the chair!!! Get in the car, start college- this is hardly an irrevocable decision and it’s not like she’s donating a kidney which she can’t get back once she changes her mind. Just get in the car-- and clarity and peace will re-establish itself.</p>

<p>Play out next week for yourself if she doesn’t get in the car… it’s not like a better decision will have come down from heaven- you’ll all still have the agony of not knowing what the heck she should do this year, without the learning you’d get from a semester’s worth of college.</p>

<p>Move the Chair! It’s not moving itself!</p>

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<p>I wish your family all the best. Way back when, in my college days, I remember the advice of my professor, who gave it out unsolicited. His advice was in relation to his law school career, which he quit, to become a history professor. I was applying to law school, MBA, and other grad school. He said, if you don’t like it, don’t feel compelled to stay. I am sure you will do something else fantastic.</p>

<p>Unless you, as the parent, really feel that it is wrong for your child, at this point, I think the least downside is to go. If it is wrong, transfer is always an option down the road. Forgive me to presume a little very amateur psych, but at the last minute, nerves rather than rational thought can be overwhelming, even for something that someone has long looked forward to.</p>

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<p>Heron: As far as I know, he was able to register for classes, but did not become a “matriculated” student until the spring semester. I don’t really know how this impacted his schedule/curriculum and whether there were difficulties in getting the pre-matriculated classes to factor into his degree requirements. As is typical, my son has not kept in touch with many of his hs classmates.</p>

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<p>Wise words Blossom.</p>

<p>Heron she either goes or stays home. Tell her pick her poison…she can make changes later. I agree that going to school now and transferring later makes the most sense but you need to consider if she is too “fragile/unstable” (for lack of better words) to make it through a semester.</p>

<p>Thinking of you and wishing for the best for all of you!</p>

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<p>Well said, Blossom.</p>

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<p>Heron, big hugs and good thoughts headed to you. I know exactly how you’re feeling. Several years ago, my niece (whom we have raised and is truly our D5) was headed to her dream school. She had done extensive research and this was truly the ‘best’ fit for her. It was a very exclusive school and program, and she was so thrilled when she was accepted. We loaded the car and all headed off to launch her into her much desired future. It wasn’t long after she arrived that she absolutely realized that it wasn’t so perfect after all. There were other factors, just like there are with your D’s situation. In hindsight, I should have noticed a few ‘cracks’ in her enthusiasm as move-in day neared. If I did, I ignored them.</p>

<p>The good news is that, it’s not the end of the world! My niece stayed for one semester, came home and worked for the rest of the year before transferring into a new school that following September. It was the best thing that could possibly have happened. She graduated at the top of her class this past spring and will start at a prestigious law school next week. Sometimes things happen for a reason. All the best to you and your D. I know the anguish that both of you are feeling and it’s not fun.</p>

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<p>Heron, big {{{hugs}}} to you.</p>

<p>I agree with Blossom. All this hand-wringing (and I must admit to not following the story really closely) isn’t accomplishing anything except making you both more nervous. Has she seen you have qualms about it all? If so, it’s no doubt feeding her fears.</p>

<p>Also, and this is just me, I wouldn’t ever let my 17yo make a major life decision based on a HS boyfriend. I know it feels like the real thing to her right now – as my bf did when I was 17 – but we were broken up by the time I was 19 (and we went to college in the same city).</p>

<p>I agree with you that all this doubt is not a good way to being. I would switch into enthusiastic mode ASAP and ship her off with the sentiment that you know she’ll do well and have a great time. My parents made me go to cc for two years because they didn’t think I was ready to go off to school at 17; coming back home and doing cc is always an option for her if it doesn’t work out.</p>

<p>Good luck! Keep us posted.</p>

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<p>I have known plenty of kids who didn’t go or got to school and left right away - they did fine.
Personally, I have always told my kids that if they get in the car, I expect them to get out of the car and stay the first semester. at least.</p>

<p>Make her decide but lay down your expectations. If you expect her to stay then make it clear, if she can leave the first week then encourage her to give it a week. If you expect her to get out of the car then make that clear.</p>

<p>I know a young lady who moved into a small college - did not even last through orientation. She went back home attended a PSU Satellite campus and lived at home for the first semester. Then she was accepted to the Main campus second semester and loved it.</p>

<p>This really isn’t a life decision. It’s not permanent. What is the worst that could happen? She will be homesick and either get over it or go home.
It is only 4 months until Christmas - they can’t stop the clock.</p>

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<p>Good luck, Heron. Be steadfast and cheerful. I tend to agree with the other posters. She won’t know what she’s missing unless she shows up and tries it out. Tell her that she needs to give it her best shot for at least a few weeks. I agree that you’ll have a good sense of whether it’s a fit or not by Columbus Day. Last year a close friend of my d’s went off to college in France. He had figured out by early Oct. that it was the wrong choice. He immediately contacted his hs gc and the admissions office at our local UC, which he had turned down the previous spring. He was home by Halloween and admitted as a second-semester freshman to the UC by Thanksgiving. He is very happy there, in part because his experience in France taught him what he does and doesn’t want in a university. Sometimes you have to try it out to figure it out.</p>

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<p>Heron:
Since she is wishy washy about going, one day on, the next off, I would encourage her to try it out and give it until Christmas. Chances are that the boyfriend will be a long lost thought by that time and she will have made new friends and be enjoying her freedom. If however by Thanksgiving she wants to come home, encourage her to finish semester 1 and transfer to a closer university for semester 2. If there is a community college nearby she could take winter classes there for the 2nd semester, or if she has been accepted at a closer university she would probalby be able to be readmitted for that 2nd term.
If she was totally adamant about not going, all the time, my advice would be to not force her as she would probalby be miserable. However this on again off again attitude tells me that she wants to go but is scared of leaving what she knows for the unknown–and they usually adjust rather quickly to that.</p>

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<p>Just be sure to remind her if she does start at school this week, even if she later hates it, keep her grades up so she has lots of options for change. It would be very disheartening to be trapped there or face going to a “lesser” school because her grades were mediocre due to disinterest in the school</p>

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<p>Good luck, Heron! Be strong and steady.</p>

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<p>Heron, I’m in sort of the same situation as you. My D has questioned her choice of schools this summer. We’ve had other circumstances and she also has a boyfriend that she doesn’t want to leave. </p>

<p>A good friend said to me that my D was playing me. I didn’t want her to go so far away, she wasn’t sure that she wanted to go so far away. I was anxious, she was anxious, the boyfriend wanted her to stay here. Once I decided that it didn’t matter where she went and things are not permanent, I lost my anxiety and she lost her’s also.</p>

<p>I also made sure that she had plans to see me and the boyfriend the first semester. We are going to see her on parent’s weekend and she is going to fly to see the boyfriend on her fall break. Once she knew that she was going to see us and the boyfriend it helped all that anxiety and angst.</p>

<p>I can’t say that it’s all smooth sailing. She has mono but is getting better. But she is going to go happily to school.</p>

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<p>You are a good mom, Heron, to be so empathetic to your daughter’s feelings. But you’re doing the right thing. She will be fine. This is the school she chose, a semester there isn’t going to kill or irreparably hurt her, and backing out now isn’t going to help her, in the long run.</p>

<p>Be supportive and encouraging, and remind her that she will be fine. At the end of the semester, she will be proud of herself for having done something that was difficult for her to do. I can’t help but wonder how will she feel about herself a month or two from now if she backs out, never having actually experienced whether she made a good choice or not in selecting this school.</p>

<p>You both are in my prayers today.</p>

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<p>You are back to preschool, forcing her to give it a go. Many of us go through this scenario many times from induced labor all the ways to the end. This is just one of those times.</p>

<p>When I left S2 at college, about 7 hours drive away from home, I was waiting for my flight and could over hear a couple dealing with their daughter who had gotten a bad case of cold feet. I spoke with them of a bit. Sounds like they were going through the same thing with their D that you are. It is a tough go. You have to give it a try, before you know if it’ll work. So if you can possibly get her there to college and leave her there, you can then sit back for the next step. Maybe she’ll love it there. Maybe she’ll hate it and end up at your door very quickly. More likely it will be a swing of the pendulum from one extreme to the other depending on her mood and the events of the day. Hugs from here to you and to her. Whether she decided to stay there or not, just going there and giving it a whirl is a big step in life.</p>

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<p>I agree with Blossom as well…
Step 1…Heron get your daughter there (better the fall semester when schools go all out to welcome new students than later) .<br>
Step 2…leave the transfer option open after she’s finished one semester. Step 3… Encourage her to explore opportunitites/clubs/intramurals etc.. at the school so that IF she decides to leave at least she gave it a fair shot. Step 4… Don’t be overly available for her moans and groans…it will help her immensley if she can turn to her roomates, new friends, profs…whomever to unload. If she calls you 10x a day she’s not getting out there to make an effort. Hopefully friendships will build along with her confidence.<br>
Step 5… Send her a nice care package big enough to share with roomies and other friends on her floor…include a wipe board that she can post outside her door where new friends can leave messages. </p>

<p>It is our job to prepare them to leave the nest…she just doesn’t want to take that first step over the edge, give her that push…she needs it. Good luck!</p>