<p>Heron,
I’ve been following this saga with your D’s angst about her college choice decision. I feel so bad for what you are going through, and I know she is second/triple guessing her decision to attend this school.</p>
<p>I had to chuckle when you said that you felt like you were dealing with a reluctant pre-schooler. In our school district, which serves 5 towns we have a Highly Capable program. The kids who are accepted are bussed to this one school. My daughter was in this program, so I would have parents whose kids were accepted ask me whether they should take their kid out of their neighborhood school and away from their friends to attend this school. I always told them that if their kid was accepted to this program to give it a try. If they didn’t like it they could always return to the neighborhood school. </p>
<p>Like blossom said, ‘she’s not donating a kidney’. She can always return home.</p>
<p>I agree with the other posters who suggest getting into the car and going to this college. I think it would be better to give it at least a semester - she will never really know unless she gives it a try. She can always transfer to one of her other choice schools. If she leaves mid year, she can attend the local CC or work for the remaining academic year. </p>
<p>I do know that money doesn’t grow on trees and any loss of tuition/fees etc would be financially painful even to a upper middle class family (and I have no knowledge about your personal finances). Hopefully, it will all work out.</p>
<p>In the meantime, I’ll extend a cyber hug to you and your D.</p>
<p>Heron, I send you and your daughter good thoughts and a prayer. If she does not go, she may think," What if… ?" for a long time. It is only 4 months, or 16 weeks, or xx days of classes whichever is the shortest way for her to think about it. She can always leave this school, she may not have a second chance to start there.</p>
<p>Thank you all. It has meant a lot to me to hear your words of wisdom and care. After talking out all of the options, she and I agree that going is the right choice. She goes, she sees how she likes the school, she gets together with her boyfriend once in September, goes up to visit a school close to his for a week in October, sees how she likes that school, sees how their relationship is doing by that time. Decides if she wants to try for a midyear transfer either to his school (which has interested her since before she met him) or to another school that is closer to home and him. By going she gets the most information in the shortest period of time. </p>
<p>That said, it’s 11pm, the van is half packed in the driveway, the kitchen is littered with bins and bags, clothes are strewn, she says that she knows she will be unhappy there, and in fact will NEVER be happy there, and that she knows that going is a mistake. </p>
<p>Nevertheless, I suspect that we will be leaving tomorrow in a full van and that we will be coming home without her. </p>
<p>Good luck tomorrow. Remind her that she needs to maintain good grades and get to know a professor or two (take advantage of their open office hours). If she has her heart set on transferring, she will need decent grades and one or two college professor recommendations.</p>
<p>Oh, Heron, my heart goes out to you. Last year was the hardest year of my mom-life. Your D sounds very much like mine. I will not kid you … it is going to be tough on you. Your role is to help her keep her head straight. Encourage her to get involved at school. Encourage her to make friends. Encourage her to get the best grades she can. Encourage her to get to know at least 2 profs (this was a big plus for my D when it came time to get recommendations for her transfer app - plus, they may offer helpful insight). It sounds like you & she have a good plan for the fall. Remind her that she needs to take things one day at a time. Tell her that this is just a drop in the bucket of her life. Of course, she may well whine, complain, drag her feet, and tell you she just can’t make it through the semester. You will feel tired and drained from being her listening post, as well as from the frustration that comes from knowing she must handle this herself.</p>
<p>BUT … it will work itself out. She will figure out what to do. She will end up happy. Your job is to keep reminding her of that & to encourage her to take responsibility for finding her happiness. </p>
<p>You will be in my thoughts in the next few days. Truly, you will survive this & so will she. It may not be easy, but you will get through it. I firmly believe that things happen for a reason.</p>
<p>I do know someone who transferred after first semester. She knew after two weeks that she’d picked the wrong school and was able to get the <em>right</em> school, where she had previously been accepted, to honor that acceptance for the spring semester. </p>
<p>Thinking of you today – and all the other pre-frosh turning frosh this week!</p>
<p>Just adding good wishes. Its a tough situation to be in. Has she ever in the past anticipated a negative outcome for something only to have it turn out fine? Is she prone to anticipatory anxiety? If the answer to either or these is yes, than it will be helpful to point out the first one to her, and to get her connected with the college counseling office for the second. Good luck! Keep us posted!</p>
<p>Oh, Heron, this is so hard. Even for kids who really want to go, this departure time is very volatile.<br>
In terms of your personal mom-radar, I would suggest give her two weeks to be sad. After that, I would start to wonder if she doesn’t need to see the counseling center. The danger at that point, besides a serious depression, would be allowing her feelings to affect her grades.
Glad she has a plan for seeing you and BF. All shall be well, one way or the other.</p>
<p>The bad part is if she is convinced she will be unhappy … she will be unhappy. She will make sure of that.</p>
<p>Knowing that she can transfer after a semester and that she has these visits in place first semester, ask her to stretch herself, to try and see what she is capable of this first semester. Encourage her to find three things she loves about this school within the first month, as well as three things she does not like. For the sake of her future self-knowledge, ask her to figure out how to make herself happy this first semester – knowing full well that she can transfer at the semester, so if she finds some happiness she is not “obligated” to stay. The way I look at it, this is a wonderful opportunity for her to test and expand her self-awareness and capacity for growth, especially since she knows it will be a limited amount of time, if she chooses.</p>
<p>Sending positive thoughts and best wishes your way. I want to second the recommendation of having her connect with the counseling center. They should be very experienced with helping kids transition. Cold feet and nerves are normal, paralyzing anxiety is not. Your job is to help her find ways she can keep herself from becoming paralyzed.</p>
<p>Stress to her the importance of staying active and getting out, keeping her dorm room door open (I think I remember she has a single, so all the more important), and making an honest effort to connect with people. Good eating, sleeping and exercise patterns will help. No more looking back and second guessing previous decisions of what she should’ve, could’ve. Nothing is irreversible. If in the end she decides this is not the right place, guide her to the resources to help her make a change. Kelsmom is right, as much as we want to jump in and make everything right for our kids, they are responsible for finding their own happiness. Good luck, I’ll be thinking of you today.</p>
<p>I think the plan was drive there Wed, move in today, drive home tomorrow. I’m hoping that no news means they’re still there and everything is proceeding on schedule.</p>