<p>As I wait in a hotel room to move my daughter in to her dorm tomorrow, following a week of orientation, I also think of Heron and the struggle of trying to help these young adults find their way. Sending vibes for an easier transition…</p>
<p>I just heard from my daughter (class of '09) ..that one of the graduates from her school ('08) got cold feet the first 2 days at her new university. She’s already home and is starting at a alternate school closer to home. The girl was 5 hours away by car (45 minutes by plane). I thought too bad she didn’t have parents that really insisted that she stick it out like we have suggested for Heron’s daughter. I would really be disappointed if my daughter made that kind of call to me after only 2 days.</p>
<p>She went! </p>
<p>We drove down on Wednesday (10 hours, not the 8 we’d expected) Even on the ride down and in the hotel the night before --many tears and doubts. She continued to feel, though, that “to be a person of integrity” she had to at least try.</p>
<p>We moved her in on Thursday morning. Many helpful students carting her mountain of things upstairs with us. Her room – a single within a 4 person suite in an wonderful old building – was tiny, but BEAUTIFUL. Old dorm, HUGE window in the room looking out onto a garden. Wood floors! I’m still shocked at how nice it was. She totally lucked out on this dorm, most of the dorms there are standard-issue college dorm. </p>
<p>Roommates, one promising, two okay, some disappointment that she wasn’t with more “alternative” crowd.</p>
<p>The school and the area around the school were much nicer and more interesting and beautiful than either of us had remembered, and she is very in tune with that kind of thing, architecture, etc. This too made a difference.</p>
<p>She was shaky, but held it together. Needed for us to be out of the dorm, doing some little hardware and drugstore runs. It was like she had to be alone to be able to keep herself steady. We had a nice lunch at the kitchen table with her and one of her roommates, went to parent orientation. By the time we got back to her room, she had set it up, put her stuff around, and it was looking pretty homey. She did ask me again “truly, mom, what do you think,” about the decision. We went over the same stuff and agreed. It was clear that she was not fully committed but was staying. Another hardware run with her along with us, and then we left. Goodbyes were surprisingly calm and free of hesitation, though my ex did breakdown and cry a little bit! </p>
<p>Then the 10 hour drive home. I called her at about 10:00 (pm) on the way, and she had just gotten out of orientation, which was full of totally “childish running around and screaming. I mean, really, Mom, what do they think we are? Children?” Her boyfriend hadn’t called her back yet, her roommates were nice but not all that “interesting,” etc, etc, etc. The odd thing was, even while complaining, she sounded kind of happy. Almost cheerful. She was making ramen in the kitchen. She had already locked herself out of her room once, and taken her temperature once because she thought she had a fever. – lol – I knew it wouldn’t take long for her to break out the thermometer.</p>
<p>I truly do not know if she will stay, but it was definitely the right thing to do to move her in. Something about taking a stance, making a decision, and then doing it, was REALLY good for her. Now, if she doesn’t like it, fine, she has information-based reasons for making a decision, rather than fear-based ones.</p>
<p>This is good news! Thanks for letting us know. Keep us posted! I bet she does great.</p>
<p>Thank you from the bottom of my somewhat exhausted heart, to all of you here. I have felt so held up through this, in large part because of you. I’m going to read all of your posts through again because I know there is much more in them than I have yet been able to take in, wise thoughts and good advice for the days to come. Many blessings upon you. Heron</p>
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<p>Awesome! Good for all of you to separate the logical from the emotional and think objectively. She is a strong young woman - I can feel it.</p>
<p>The roommate thing will sort itself out - if she doesn’t mesh with them she will find some kids to hang with and spend all her time there.</p>
<p>One thing I wanted to pass on that they told us during parent orientation is: Let them use college resources to work through their adjustment: counselling, RA, academic advisor, etc. Not to enable them by trying to do it for them. I thought this was helpful advice.</p>
<p>I’m so glad things are working themselves out, nice job mom! Try to stay strong and resist the urge to keep checking on her, she needs to feel that you’re confident in her ability to handle this transition. One piece of advice I would give is that when she calls, don’t ask any questions that can elicit a negative response. Don’t ask if she’s made friends, if she likes the roommates, etc as those can open the floodgates. Keep it light. Depending on her interests, ask if she’s checked out the library or rec center? Seen any good t-shirts in the bookstore? Try to keep it as upbeat as possible and cut any negative conversations short. She’s off to a good start, I’m keeping my fingers crossed.</p>
<p>Wonderful! I loved how you described her taking a stance and following through. Sounds like a real growth experience. I’m so happy for all of you she went, and wish you all well through the inevitable ups and downs ahead our new college freshmen will be experiencing.</p>
<p>Heron, glad to hear the good news!</p>
<p>Heron and everybody, thanks for such a sympathetic thread, full of great advice. It’s funny, with all the focus on the whole college application process, there isn’t much support for the road between making the choice and that first day of school. (Now there’s a book idea!) My D, although happy about her choice, went through what sounds fairly typical — mood swings, declaring she couldn’t wait to leave one moment, then the next crawling into bed with me, saying, “Mommy…”, in a tiny voice. The drop off day, which lasted until a picnic dinner for families, felt like an eternity. It reminded me of those phases of grief – first there was excitement, then bickering with Mom, then stunned realization that she will actually be living here with accompanying melt-down, then acceptance and cautious enthusiasm. Then goodbye.</p>
<p>Great news! Congratulations on your skills and steadiness, Heron!</p>
<p>Yay, Heron. Of course, she still was somewhat doubtful, but really this sounds like the best of all possible results.<br>
As the Brits say, “Well done you!”</p>
<p>That’s great! When do classes start?</p>
<p>They start classes on Tuesday. I think it’s a little crazy to have them come down the Thursday before Labor Day weekend when the ones with adjustment issues can stew around with their feelings for 4 days before classes start!</p>
<p>That said, she hasn’t called me! I called her once on the way home, and haven’t heard from her since. I saw her best friend yesterday and she said that D no longer wants to come home right away, has met someone who looks promising for a friend, and is glad that her boyfriend is out of cell phone range for a few more days so that she can have time to assess her school without the intense emotion she might have when she talks with him. Last night I called her, no response, and then texted her, one brief response. This is SO not what I expected. I am finding it hard to have all that drama suddenly gone from my life! I don’t quite know what to do with my emotions, because they have been so over-active with her pain/indecision/fear. </p>
<p>Anyway, I’m still trying to have no expectations as to what will happen, since I don’t want to be shocked if “anything” DOES happen. But it looks surprisingly promising, at least right now, at this small moment in time. I figure the weekend is here and she will eventually have contact with her bf. I"m not predicting anything, but I am so proud of her for handling this so bravely and well. </p>
<p>Funny: I was dreading the 2 a.m. calls. I would read the posts about having set times to touch base and agreements about how often and what form of communication, and I would rest easy about that because I knew she would be calling all the time. Now I just wish she’d call me at all!</p>
<p>I am firmly in the camp that no news is good news!</p>
<p>This isn’t nearly as high-stakes, but when S1 went away to a three-week camp he didn’t call when he was supposed to (sunday evenings). In fact, he almost NEVER called. I was sooo upset. This was before he had a cell phone and there was no way to get a hold of him except to call the emergency number, and I didn’t want to look like a freak by calling the campus police! And this was the kid who called from the office at Scout camp just a couple of years before crying wth homesickness.</p>
<p>Of course, all was fine. More than fine. The second year at that camp he found his first girlfriend, and his third and last year he won the only award given to a single camper!</p>
<p>Word from your dd’s friend sounds promising. Hang in there!!!</p>
<p>Heron – I totally know what you mean. After we dropped D off, I didn’t know what to do with all my adrenaline! But this really is good news. Your D doesn’t sound at all like the type to not call with a problem, so she must be doing fine.
H and I had a discussion about the whole orientation thing. I said I thought the kids should get there Sat. and dive into classes Mon. but he said no, classes bring all sorts of pressure, they need that time to adjust, even if they are sort of at loose ends, sad, or whatever.</p>
<p>My son moved in a week ago and classes started last Wed. I thought that was odd, too, with the 3 day weekend coming up. It just seems so risky to have all those days off after just moving into the dorms. Kind of like “sink or swim”! I guess he’s swimming because we’ve only heard from him once in a week and were under the impression that his roommate and newest friend weren’t even going to stay on campus this weekend.</p>
<p>I think it’s a good idea for kids to have some time together without pressure of school. My daughter has repeatedly said her freshman orientation week was the best week at her school. Of course, I know how they spent most of the week, but it’s a time for them to bond even if it means getting a bit crazy.</p>
<p>Problem is, she doesn’t do the wild and crazy thing. It’s easier, I bet, for those who do. It’s an ice-breaker, even if a superficial one.</p>