<p>^^ Or, already peeved at being relegated to their second choice school, RBGG is prepared to be disappointed, to perceive flaws. I have a friend who owns a couple of restaurants and he told me once that there are certain customers who arrive unhappy and you can tell in an instant that they’ve already made up their minds about the meal and service before they even sit down.</p>
<p>Momb2k,</p>
<p>I’ve been following that “journey” since the first post pleaded for advice about grieving the loss of the parent’s first choice. Most of us were initially supportive. And, if you go back a few months, the original poster was chanting “we love our school” after being declined a second time from the first choice school.</p>
<p>I’m just looking for a little consistency since I lot of people lurk for advice.</p>
<p>The problem, which we have all been trying to point out (for more than a year) is that the approach of the family and the constant demands are likely a huge factor in the negative response for accommodations from the current school. The sympathy died when we were hit with the “my school is better than your school” argument that then devolved into a discussion about IVY placement possibilities. That attitude likely permeates the approach to school communications. It’s common, and the boarding schools have become immune to it (unless you’re a huge donor or well connected in which case …well…)</p>
<p>That wasn’t meant to be derogatory. It was, however, meant to be realistic. The demand for a “single” was a clue (since they are rare and the student is a first year.) I am left wondering if it was the child’s decision to go to boarding school or the parents. And the fact that there is constant interference from home belies that he’s not ready to be there and BS is probably not a good fit for the family.</p>
<p>Regardless - the “turn around” to reapply to “first choice”, given that there was not guarantee that school would be any more accommodating than the other HADES school was telling. As was the “first choice’s” verbal response to the parent’s inquiring about why they were rejecting original poster’s son’s second application.</p>
<p>Forewarned is forearmed. Helicopter parents (even full pays) are widely considered problematic especially when they are always hovering.</p>
<p>Which is why we tell people to love the school that loves them.</p>
<p>A well placed request, and a willingness to be “part” of the community, usually helps resolve many (but not all) problems. That does not mean you can get your way or demand privileges for your child. If anything - it pretty much guarantees all the good will dissipates.</p>
<p>Anyway - I wasn’t trying to be dismissive - this is a hard road for many parents. But full disclosure seemed necessary. To get good advice a parent has to be honest about how their own actions and perceptions may be impacting the process.</p>
<p>Being a supportive parent is one thing, but humans are the only animals that sometimes “foul” their own nests. Boarding school is the student’s territory. </p>
<p>Think of it as college early. Why? Because we are obligated the pay the college bills too, but they’re not going to respond to parent demands for course placement and single rooms either.</p>
<p>Hmm, I have some trouble with the notion the Exie suggests which is “don’t send your DC to BS if you are going to remain an involved parent.” I don’t recommend parents wash their hands of their kids at the BS doormat. It is NOT college, nor are the kids young adults. They still need the guidance and support (and sometimes intervention) of parent. The problem we encountered, however, when we intervened in what seemed absolutely appropriate (S was isolated and left alone to sulk), the BS did view our involvement as helicoptoring parents and were not helpful until we used the threatening buzzwords (about in loco parentis responsibilities). Frankly, at S’s BS any role we took (other than coming to school benefits) would have been perceived by the school as meddling. Parents beware, if you even get a hint that the school you are considering for your DC doesn’t welcome parental involvement.</p>
<p>Heading in a totally different direction, I wonder how much of RBGG and others’ frustration might be technology-driven. Some adults just aren’t fully on board with on-line communication, and if they aren’t technologically savvy enough to be comfortable getting on-line and looking for info., they can miss some of the important stuff that helps us attached 
parents feel connected–on-line slideshows, team websites, even grades and adviser comment. (I get the sense from an earlier post that RBGG wasn’t aware until recently that comments from advisers and teachers were available through an on-line portal–and the confusion about using different usernames for different locations a year ago also tells me we might have a Luddite on our hands. 
)</p>
<p>Now, some of us who spend WAY too much time on-line probably think that people who are “technologically challenged” should just get with the program. As the spouse of someone who sees the computer as nothing but an evil sucker of his time, I have some sympathy for the other perspective. It would be nice if schools would give parents the chance to opt for paper correspondence, at least until those of us who did not grow up in the computer era are no longer sending our kids to prep school… </p>
<p>Those adviser and teacher comments and the quick, informal email exchanges back and forth with our son’s adviser have been SO important to us–I can imagine how a parent’s frustration would build if there is no positive communication along the way, and how that might lead to less than positive exchanges down the road. </p>
<p>As a teacher, I’ve learned over the years that small, easily solved problems can often escalate and spiral into something that seems much harder to solve than it really is. This thread might usefully look at some of those small issues that can be addressed with some forewarning.</p>
<p>Fit. Many posters advise others to look for the most prestigious school, but I think applicants should try to find the school which best fits the applicant and the family. </p>
<p>Boarding schools and day schools differ. A boarding school is not a day school with dorm rooms. The boarding school experience can be wonderful for the right student, but it calls for more independence and resilience. You are sending your child off to join a community. At a day school, parents are on school grounds twice a day (without carpools). At a boarding school, barring volunteer involvement, we’ll be on campus to drop off and pick up at break time, and for parents’ weekend and graduation. You would hope that the head of a day school would recognize the parents of seniors. It would be astounding for the head of a boarding school to recognize all the parents.</p>
<p>It’s not that one model is better than another. At a boarding school, the students have to be more resilient and independent, but it’s not possible for a parent to “fine-tune” the experience. Some boarding school students will have parents who boarded, and many will get the message from home that the parents’ experience was more difficult. </p>
<p>At a day school, parents can get to know other parents. They can attend on-campus events easily, they form a different bond with the school. </p>
<p>I think RBGG is entitled to her opinion. The boarding school experience does have drawbacks. If you expect to be able to “work things out” at a boarding school as you might have been able to work things out at your good private day school, you will be disappointed. Or, you might get your way on one issue, but find that you’ve achieved a pyrrhic victory.</p>
<p>I agree with Grinzing. These are not college students, often they are 13-14 years old. Far from young adults. And the BS I deal with also does not respond well to parental input. I don’t think attempting to parent an adolescent from a distance should be coined “holicopter” parenting.</p>
<p>Periwinkle, true, but there are more opportunities at our school for parents to be involved than Parents’ Weekend and Graduation. This, of course, depends on how far away you live. However, this year I have attended multiple sports games, music performances, special speakers where the parents are invited to listen in at a different auditorium (the big auditorium being full of students) with a reception for the parents beforehand. Also, a special screening of the movie A Race to Nowhere with a reception…invitations to be part of a parents committee (open to everyone), invitations to call other parents for the Annual Fund, and for the previous two years, a full College Weekend in January which you attend with your student. The whole town is considered “in bounds,” and students don’t need to sign out to go out to dinner with their parents. Actually, when I think about it, there are parents there a lot of the time! Once again, it depends on how far away you live and probably on the school as well. If being welcomed onto campus is important to you, you should ask these questions during the admissions process.</p>
<p>I appreciate and learn from all the feedback, no matter how harsh.</p>
<p>At any rate, yep, we don’t apologize for trying again at a school we felt was a much better fit. To be honest with you, I don’t think this was a major factor in the Headmaster’s behavior. The recs for the reapplication came from the Math, English teacher and advisor all who told us they do this all the time, and no one takes it personally.</p>
<p>As someone aptly pointed out the decision not to allow him in HOnors PHysics in Aug/Sept preceded any reapplication process that occured in December. And we gave it as much time as we could to see if we really wanted to stay put or try again at first school.</p>
<p>I don’t apologize for seeking what we and our son feel would be best for him. I don’t think our reapplying to school #1 hurt anyone’s feelings. The attitude that there are 50 more in line for our son’s seat, I don’t think was out of anger. I don’t even think the Headmaster was aware we had reapplied to school #1. He was just insensitive and I think was just being pragmatic knowing that it is a seller’s market out there right now.</p>
<p>All points well taken and I am glad we can have this dialogue without any name calling.</p>
<p>@classicalmama: I agree with your kind analysis. I had to look up ‘Luddite’ and learned a new word today. It’s not that I’m opposed to advances in technology, just a little behind the times in my skills. But I agree had I known about some of the on-line ways to get feedback, it may have altered the course of things.</p>
<p>@ ExieMIT: <<that wasn’t=“” meant=“” to=“” be=“” derogatory.=“” it=“” was,=“” however,=“” realistic.=“” the=“” demand=“” for=“” a=“” “single”=“” was=“” clue=“” (since=“” they=“” are=“” rare=“” and=“” student=“” is=“” first=“” year.)=“”>></that></p>
<p>No, as it turns out, singles at my son’s school is the rule rather than the exception first year, but you got the facts wrong anyway. He is asking for a single for the second year, and there are many singles available second year. I think there are other BSs like this including Deerfield. He wanted a double the first year and got one BTW.</p>
<p>Hmmm…redbluegreen: are you talking about Deerfield? If you are, there are inconsistencies with your posts. First, you refer to the headmaster as a ‘He’, but Deerfield’s head of school is female. Then, in the opening post you say “…We found out he hadn’t gotten it when we arrived on campus and received his schedule.” However at Deerfield, parents receive the schedule way before arrival on campus.</p>
<p>You also wrote “…School did not hold transparent lotteries and boys and girls got different formulas for their lottery ranking.” Coming to Deerfield, you already know that dorm assignments aren’t subject to negotiation. There is an overenrollment issue resulting in some doubles and triples. Although, I can tell you that some triples are requested [typically girls] and in at least one boys fresh/soph dorm, 3 boys decided on their own to triple up to create a study room for their floor.</p>
<p>You mentioned that your child’s former grades are topnotch. However, MOST of Deerfield’s students were the top student of their respective schools. No shortage of outstanding and motivated kids. And, around 20% of the freshmen are repeat freshmen. There are many factors to consider. The admit rate of freshmen last year was less than 10% [the overall rate is higher]. Then with a 17% increase in applications for this Fall…</p>
<p>Full pay or FA, we haven’t seen one difference in the way each student is treated. That’s the way it needs to be. So the argument of ‘I paid $50k…’, which most of us pay [and some pay even more], is not a good argument.</p>
<p>If your child got a double the 1st year, then he/she is high on the priority list for singles + dorm choice as a soph. By the way, I don’t know of any boarding school in the northeast where over 90% of the students are in singles like Deerfield. Deerfield is actively addressing the over enrollment as they tear down a tiny dorm and build a new one in its place.</p>
<p>If you’re not referring to Deerfield, then my apologies…</p>
<p>I don’t believe the OP is referring to Deerfield. However, I will agree that at my children’s school, “Full pay or FA, we haven’t seen one difference in the way each student is treated.” Having a hook might help in admissions, but once you’re there…the full scholarship kids are going to be rooming with the offspring of the leaders of the free world in whatever room they are assigned to LOL.</p>
<p>So many conflicting emotions for us boarding school parents! </p>
<p>No matter how much good is doing the kid - we hate seeing them go. And, following on classicalmama’s comment, we can make the problems into something bigger than they might actually be - mad is better than sad, right? </p>
<p>But whatever the problem is, or your level of tolerance for problems, it probably doesn’t hurt to let the kids see us trying to solve problems in a positive way. </p>
<p>And since so many problems in their future will involve deciding when to tough it out and when to cut the losses, might as well start now to help them develop their judgment.</p>
<p>I never said parents should not be involved. We’re the legal guardian. </p>
<p>But the boundaries for BS are different than when the child is at home and it’s hard for . Even in the 9th grade the students are expected to be a bit more self-managing and often, the student doesn’t have any chance to advocate for themselves because they know they can get mom or dad to make the call.</p>
<p>Or worse - mom and dad respond to a discussion with their student by “acting” before they should.</p>
<p>It often assures a less than admirable outcome when it’s time for resources to be distributed (room lottery is a classic example). I’ve seen parents call the schools to complain about the food, the teachers, the temperature in the dorm, and/or get involved with all manner of things that really - should be in the purview of the child. </p>
<p>Teach the child how to advocate so they can fly solo. </p>
<p>I’ve also given opposite advice to parents where I thought intervention should be more ardent because the schools (Exeter) for instance were being hands-off at the wrong time and good students were falling through the cracks. It should be noted that there are alum on these boards and we’ve contacted our own schools about that as a result.</p>
<p>Still - if you start the BS process with attitudes that include “return on investment” and don’t look at it as a partnership those schools can see you coming because they have demanding parents calling all the time. </p>
<p>Also, if you accept a spot and then immediately turn around and reapply to a competitor then you’ve sent a message that is not favorable (no matter what they tell you). In the end - you become a “source of revenue to be tolerated” and hence the comment “we have others willing to take your place.”</p>
<p>And they were right, weren’t they? They issued the ultimatum while holding all the cards. Because in this case the OP’s son was declined at his top choice, the assessment for the decision was blunt, and the student now has no other choices but to stay at the current school and accept what is given, or return home. Not a great place to be from a bargaining perspective given the huge waiting lists of full-pays.</p>
<p>So find the school that fits and values parents as part of the community. Or at least that works with your families’ needs to be hands-on and is tolerant of specific communication styles.</p>
<p>If the school doesn’t fit - then no harm, no foul, pull out. Why fight a situation where you are miserable?</p>
<p>But if you stay - there are a ways to advocate for a student without “hovering.” Sometimes our “job” is just to listen and offer advice. To be the safe haven while the student learns the politics of campus life.</p>
<p>RBGG, I think your idea about visiting often (if it is possible) just might be the happy medium for your son and family. If it works for you then do it! We all tell families who object to boarding schools, without knowing anything, “To each his own.” Well, in this case, not all boarding schools, children and parents need to follow the same pattern. If visiting often works then so be it. Do what feels right, and brings you peace in this issue. By the way, “I like the term, warming up in the bullpen in regards to DS.”</p>
<p>I hope things turn out favorably for you, RBGG. What interests me about this thread is that some view a boarding school more like any other expensive vendor and others view it more as a community. I suppose both are true, but where you fall on that continuum impacts how you’re perceived by the school, which, in turn, impacts how opinions are formed about your child, human nature being what it is.</p>
<p>Exie makes the point that every effort should be made not to intervene or assert a “command and control” style of remote vendor/child management, that unless there is something especially egregious the child should fight his/her own fights. Apparently, RBGG has a much lower threshold for what’s “egregious” than Exie and has asserted herself in a manner that she believes is appropriate and well calibrated. Several folks on this thread support her decision-making. I find it off-putting, but then I am hyper-sensitive about parents (or people) who mistakenly believe they are superior to others, especially at a top boarding school. When I imagine myself being on the receiving end of these sorts of comments/sentiments, I cringe: </p>
<p>“ “even though we were paying close to $50,000 per annum, DS still couldn’t take the class he wanted to sign up for”</p>
<p>“a solution couldn’t be worked out if you will with his underlings”</p>
<p>“I still would expect that he bring his best “parent” and listening skills to the table”</p>
<p>“I told the dean that it didn’t make sense”</p>
<p>“The kid has great genetic loading for Math and Science and h/we didn’t want to see it wasted.”</p>
<p>“yep, we don’t apologize for trying again at a school we felt was a much better fit.”</p>
<p>“He (headmaster) was just insensitive and I think was just being pragmatic”</p>
<p>Good points being made here by all. </p>
<p>I’ve only been at this one year, so my experience is obviously limited…but I have a kid who went from miserable to okay to thriving over the course of the year. What I learned over the course of exchanges with his adviser was that it was most effective to explain a problem my kid was having as specifically as possible and NOT offer solutions. My solutions (which I though were great) were almost always off–I learned to trust the adviser’s take on the situation and the advice he gave us and our kid was spot on 95% of the time. From classes to teachers to dorm to friends, his experience and insight was simply better than ours.</p>
<p>That said, the one thing we did follow our hearts rather than his advice on was how much daily contact with us our kid needed to be okay. (Though again, the adviser’s suggestion at the beginning of the year of one call a day was more or less how we ended the year.) I agree, RBGG, that you might find that more family time will vastly improve things next year. Best of luck!</p>
<p>Just another perspective. For S, things did not improve sophomore year–in fact, once the frosh honeymoon was over, and the work increased, the supportive aspects decreased, and kids were “expected” to step up more, the homesickness/missing-family and feeling that this was too much too early, was worse. Just now (a week after coming home) we are getting a better debriefing and frankly, we SHOULD have followed our hearts and pulled him after frosh year. We are talking to local day schools and will likely change, but moving jr. year is less than ideal on so many levels. I wish all parents well with their choice, but for g-sake, do what’s best for your kid --YES YOU KNOW THEM BETTER–and be proactive, intervene if you think it will make a difference, and don’t be deterred. It can all be done diplomatically and without offense, but to walk on eggshells at these so-called esteemable schools is a mistake.</p>
<p>If I saw RBGG’s post a year ago. I might think this is just a case.
Now I think RBGG has right to raise his son’s issue .
We are very low profile and we thought my D should be able to handle things herself ( academic, activities, health, dorm , social. etc ), She did take care herself good actually,
However, we still expected her advisor give us some updates some time. After all she is only 14 year old.
Her advisor never made a contact to us. no email, no phone call. The other advisors in the same dorm called her students every month and emails almost every week to report status.
We don’t expect her advisor made calls or emails that much. But at least for certain situation happened. Like, When she got injury during sport activity, When she skipped classes due to health issue, When she got dorm issues. we all expected her advisor gave us a brief call or email. What we just want was to hear if she is under good caring. We actually got nothing from her advisor.
You can say “No phone call from advisor meant kid is doing good”. But that is not what we looking for. My D is at the same school as @classicmama’s kid. I wish my D has the same advisor like her son.
My D does love her school. I asked her if most of students are happy there. She said maybe 70 percent of her peers do well over there. Some are just ok. But some of her friends are really struggle and even their parents did not know until last minute. Two of her classmates left/dropped out at middle of spring term. </p>
<p>I think parents have the right to raise any issues to school. You don’t want to wait for last minute school give you a notice.
I now do realize boarding school is not for everyone but you are never able to tell before something is happened. Once kids got in. You are hoping kids is not struggle/unhappy there.</p>
<p>Bluegene. To be honest, I don’t know whether or not my son’s adviser would have contacted us, other than mid-year and end-of-year comments if we hadn’t initiated that contact early. In fact, we initiated almost all contact, and appreciated that his response was so prompt and so sound.</p>
<p>I agree that it’s essential for parents to speak up whenever they sense something’s not quite right. Yes, the average bs kid is more independent than most, but we shouldn’t feel that we’re giving up our right to parent/advocate for our kids just because they are hundreds or thousands of miles away. </p>
<p>Have you tried talking to the adviser about what you’d like to have been informed about this year? Did you try contacting her to ask for updates about your daughter and get no response? The adviser responding promptly with care and intelligence to concerns is all I really need. But, again, we talk to our kid a lot, and so there’s not much we don’t know. </p>
<p>I’m curious to know what others expect of advisers. Do you want a monthly call? An email when your child is sick or injured or stressed? Is quick help/reassurance when you ask for it enough? Or is it really enough just to know that he or she has a good relationship with your child?</p>