Drawbacks to boarding prep school

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
81

<p>General outgoing communication, but spot on knowlege when I called. </p>

<p>At the beginning of the year, the advisor emailed some photographs of D having a great time at the dorm slip-n-slide party. Thereafter, there was only general outgoing communication - monthly newsletter with links to photos of various dorm events. </p>

<p>However, when I called or emailed the advisor, the response was quick, personal, and practical, reassuring me that D was working through problems and making progress. Very useful antidote to the tearful phone calls. </p>

<p>I also understood that the adviser was doing follow-up work behind the scenes, that perhaps wouldn’t change the outcome of certain situations, but would help D experience a better atmosphere. </p>

<p>And during a medical emergency, the adviser was at the hospital, texted hourly updates until things were better, and relayed my worries to the doctors and got them to follow up on the issues. </p>

<p>So - not so much day-to-day communication, but always there if you felt the need to find something out, and when I called, I always got the feeling that the adviser was on top of things - knew when things were going badly, knew when things were going well.</p>

82

<p>I think, Today BS advisors might play a different role as used to be. at least some of those I’ve talked with. They think kids talk to parent almost every day by cell phone/online chat. So parent actually know kids status. That is fine for me. However, In some situation, Parent really want to know two side story. For example, If your kid got injury during sport practice. He/she might not tell parent or he/she said it is Ok. Do you expect advisor drop a call/email to tell you how it look like ? If your kid got fever and stayed at health center overnight for 2 more days. Do you expect advisor drop a call to tell you ? Can advisor just assume kids will call or parent will call every day so Advisor don’t need to initial the call first.
We did initialize a call in a situation my daughter did not handle well, It surprised me her advisor did not know at all.
I understand advisor has his/her own family to take care and they are busy, too. But I don’t feel my D’s advisor pay attention to her students. </p>

<p>People here always say boarding school is not for everyone. True, However, How do parent know if kid is not in BS environment yet ? In some case, Should school be more proactive to help kids who just 14/15 years old live away from home. In RBGG’s case, If you are the parent of student who qualified honor course or passed placement test but still can not get a seat. Won’t you give school a ring ? After all, School pick the kids and should provide the kids best education. At least parent deserved an explanation and alternative course options.</p>

83

<p>Can you ask for a new advisor?</p>

84

<p>That’s a tough situation, Bluegene–in your shoes, I’d want a new adviser for my kid, but of course, that’s a request she might feel awkward making, given the close ties between the dorm and advisers. </p>

<p>I agree that it’s helpful to get that second opinion of a situation. But often kids put on their game face around the adults at school and don’t own up to conflicts, homesickness, or other difficulties. If the parent lets the adviser know what’s going on, the adviser can ask specific questions to (hopefully) get the kid to open up. So I guess I’m with ssacd–I expect a quick response to my question, but not a spontaneous update.</p>

<p>Good questions about sports injuries and sickness. I think I’d probably drop an email asking the adviser his opinion of the sports injury, but if I didn’t hear from my kid for two days and then found out after the fact that he was in the health center and no one called me, I’d be pretty upset. Did that actually happen to you? I’d have thought the health center would call at the very least.</p>

<p>Good point, too, about the expectation that the kids will call every day–true for some of us, but definitely not all.</p>

<p>And I agree that I’d be vocal too in RBGG’s class situation. After all, one of the big reasons I send my kid to bs is for classes that will challenge him appropriately. If it’s truly a case of not enough seats, they should, in my opinion, create two sections.</p>

85

<p>I’m not sure if the advisor is on the hook for sports issues. In our case, with a child in multiple varsity sports despite being a ‘true’ frosh, child got hurt mutiple times in the ‘play for keeps’ type play in NEPSAC. Each time, we got prompt calls from the MD on site @ school and also the coach. The advisor didn’t contact us on top of the health center + coaches, which was fine. How many calls do you need? However, we knew that the advisor knew.
But if you truly were not called for a sports injury then that’s something to be corrected. This assumes it was truly an ‘injury’ and not something minor that really doesn’t require much concern [eg. a minor bruise/cut/scrape].</p>

86

<p>The school dorm advisor is also your academic advisor. If you change advisor, you also move out the current dorm unless new advisor is still live/tie with the same dorm.
My daughter doesn’t want to move to the other dorm. She also doesn’t want to change new advisor but still meet her old advisor at hall way every day.
My daughter is fine and do well for now. She loves her school. She is senstive and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. She just don’t think she need advices from her advisor. She actually found better connections to other teachers.</p>

<p>I am not going to interference her unless I see something go wrong.
Maybe it is just a case for us. Most of advisors are still taking good care kids. However, Cell phone, online chat, facetime and all new technology are available today. The distance between BS kid and parent won’t be that far anymore. I am probably still the old fashion guy that think and rely on advisor as dorm parent at my age.</p>

87

<p>I don’t think you’re old fashioned, bluegene, to want to have a connection to your daughter’s adviser. And I completely understand why changing advisers would be difficult for your daughter. The only thing I think I’d do in your place is make a point of emailing the adviser every few weeks with a specific question about something having to do with my daughter–something specific enough to be answered easily, followed by a general, “Does everything seem to be going okay from your perspective?” </p>

<p>The squeaky wheel gets the grease, right? Asking questions may make the adviser pay more attention to your kid. Letting him/her know you appreciate even the briefest responses might help develop the connection too. That connection is probably more important for you than for her–sounds like she has forged her own connections to other teachers, which is great–but that’s not so helpful for us parents. Still, the most important thing is that she’s doing well, I supppose.</p>

88

<p>bluegene - if your daughter has found a bond with a faculty member who isn’t her official adviser, that’s great - and I think I would reach out to them (on a reasonable basis, of course, knowing the demands on their time) if you feel that something needs looking into or if you need to get “the other side of the story”. I’m sure they will understand - many of them are parents too, and if there is a bond with your child, they might even be a little curious to find out more about them, as long as the relationship doesn’t become overwhelming. </p>

<p>The “other side of the story” is so important - it doesn’t take long to get it, and it can set your mind at ease and give you the right things to say to your child to help them move forward. </p>

<p>I would still expect to be making more of the calls, but I think half the battle of being a parent in our shoes is to know that there is someone on the other end of the line paying attention.</p>

89

<p>@ssacdfamily and @classicmama. thank for comments and help.
We did still contact her advisor some time and ask the other faculty member help to watch my daughter. We are good for now.
It’s not that her advisor did not want to help. Actually, Her advisor did help us solve some issues. It’s just the feeling that if you don’t call, they don’t response. It’s just a feeling I sent product away made by 14 years. I only got a service call when it was malfunction.
The argument is expectation. I’d like to hear the kid progress from advisor as dorm parents. Not I ask him/her for give me the status. As a parent, I just want to hear the other side of story than my kid told me.
Here is the thing. If you initial a call, someone might think that is helicoper buzz. ( not always, but sometime )
Let me ask CC parents here.
Do you expect your kid’s advisor “No call/email, No issue” or “Give me a call sometime just show me you know my kid” ?</p>

<p>Am i just a case that a old fashion parent meets a new age advisor ?</p>

90

<p>bluegene-</p>

<p>My son is at one of HADES school. He just finished his second year. I met my son’s academic advisor on move-in day and did not hear from him at all during my son’s first year (he has since retired). However, my son’s first year dorm counselor was definitely responsive and aware of my son’s comings and goings and academic issues. We spoke on the phone and emailed a few times during the first year. During my son’s second year, he has a new academic advisor (that will continue with him until graduation) and a new dorm counselor. The academic advisor is very aware of my son’s activities, friendships, and academic issues. We had a long meeting during parent’s weekend and subsequent emails and a couple of phone calls. The dorm counselor pulls double duty as a cluster dean and is very busy with about 150+/- students in the cluster. I definitely initiate the phone calls/emails to the academic advisor and dorm counselor to get any updates on my son. I expect to hear from the academic advisor and/or dorm counselor if there is a problem, otherwise, I am okay with not hearing from them.</p>

91

<p>My D was given a temporary advisor and told she could switch as she became familiar with the faculty. She didn’t use the option. It was a good match for her and for us. So far we get good communication: proactive on both academic and personal issues. We get a multi-page grade report that covers everything from whether D’s eating regularly, to her on-campus relationships with students and faculty. It includes compliments as well as areas of strengths and weaknesses to be overcome. The advisor writes a full page as does the Academic dean, along with reports from each teacher. The coach and advisor email us periodically so we can keep up with what’s going on. And the Admission’s Director sent us a candid photo of our D that he took when she wasn’t looking.</p>

<p>When visiting on campus and the parking lots were full the advisor told us to park in her driveway since we were “family.” And the school, discovering that our hotel didn’t have a work-out area, told my husband he was welcome to use the gym. When my oldest was in the hospital, my daughter’s advisor sent her a get well card even though they’d never met. We love being on campus, but feel close to them even when we’re not there.</p>

<p>That’s what I hoped for and that’s what my daughter got. But I have cautioned some that my experience at my own High School was the polar opposite: sink or swim. It is what it is.</p>

<p>Different schools have different approaches. Which is why “fit” trumps “prestige” for our family. It can make or break a situation. </p>

<p>But- there’s “advocating” for a child who is falling between the cracks or not thriving which we all support, versus calling with an endless list of demands and threats which has clearly made the situation worse and the school so much as said so by telling the parent they had students willing to replace her son (it was a hint if ever I’ve heard one.)</p>

<p>In @RBGG’s case I think her son should go home. It’s not a fit, she clearly resents spending that much money, and no one is happy (including the school). So why force it? </p>

<p>@Grinzing, I feel for you. Your son’s happiness needs to come first. BS is such a weird experience anyway. I have one child who would have been miserable at BS so we didn’t even broach it as a subject. I have another who needed to stretch her wings and fly and she began researching and applying on her own. We’re lucky. She found a good match and was smart enough to tell me that my own alma mater wasn’t a fit even before she interviewed. Do what’s right for your son. There’s no stigma to sending him someplace where he and the family will thrive. Sending hugs and hope he finds his bliss.</p>

<p>@BlueGene, the school should try to flex to your need for periodic communication - especially during that critical first year. It makes all the difference as you both adjust and it also helps you provide information that might help them with your son as well. You aren’t being unreasonable at all. But I wonder if the advisor - having lots of responsibilities (teaching, coaching, etc.) it falls through the cracks, hence you have to initiate. But you’re doing the right thing, trying to stay in touch.</p>

92

<p>This is such a worthwhile discussion, and, yes, as always a matter of fit. The level of communication Exie describes sounds wonderful…but I suspect it would make my kid (if he knew about it) nuts. (For example, he likes that his dorm head, who comes around regularly to tell kids to start working during study hours or to go to bed always bypasses his room and leaves him to himself.) On our end, the lengthy adviser reports twice a year, the detailed comments from teachers that come with grades each term, and an adviser who quickly addresses any questions or concerns we have suits us. </p>

<p>Here’s the main drawback to boarding school for me: because we live so far away, we don’t get to see our son perform in concerts or his athletic contests. We really, really miss that. The kids often post photos on Facebook, which helps (thanks to the parents who take lots of pics of everyone and then give them to their kids to post!) and the school does post slideshows of school events regularly, but what I wouldn’t give for a video of those concerts… That’s the hard thing for me.</p>

93

<p>Classicalmama- Would you be able to hire another student to film those events for you? Is that allowed by the school?</p>

94

<p>I don’t know if it would be allowed or not–interesting question–I did send my kid a Flip, and he had a friend film one concert for me, which was great…but then he forgot to have someone do it in the spring. Sigh. </p>

<p>I wish the school would just film concerts and maybe one or two athletic contests each term–I’d be willing to pay for the videos, and I bet lots of other parents would too.</p>

95

<p>Bluegene, classicalmama, if dorm assignment determines advisor assignment, does that mean that there are advisors who only advise boys, and advisors who only advise girls?</p>

<p>(I’m not trying to criticize; I am intrigued by the different methods schools use to solve the same problems.)</p>

<p>At any rate, at my daughter’s school, the advisors are not determined by dorm. Students do change advisors, although they may remain with the same advisor for four years, if they wish. Advisors have different styles. Our daughter’s current advisor is a great advisor, but is “no news is good news” when dealing with parents. </p>

<p>For some of the issues you would turn to an advisor to receive more information, I would call or email the dorm head. Health issues would be the arena of Health Services. If a student has an injury or illness, Health Services calls the family. (Not if she needed a cough drop, but if she had a concussion, or sprained her ankle.)</p>

96

<p>Definitely, Classical! The school should film events as much as possible and make them available online. For those of us on the wrong side of the country from our kids, any chance to see them in action is the greatest joy.</p>

97

<p>@Periwinkle I guess that is true, Advisor either live in the same dorm or tie with certain dorm if he/she live at house.</p>

<p>I am not trying to argue here. I am just telling my opinion based on my first year experience.
Yes, I totally agreed BS school is about the fit. However, Not all students and parents know the fit until students got there.
I was the parents used to be think about “No news is good news” and I am ok with that . Myself and my kids all went to public school before. Of course I didn’t want to hear anything from teachers because it got to be some troubles created by my kids. ( I always assumed that way )
One time I talked to my daughter for an dorm/health issue which bothered her for a while. She said she can handle it but I know she will not handle it well herself and it could affect her academic progress. So I emailed her advisor for help. It surprised me the advisor responded me that he did not know the issue at all. It should be very easy to tell if advisor talk to her/spend a few minutes with her. Though he did help/solve the problem later after several calls exchanged. Anyway, this is a turning point for my daughter from “non-happy” to “like” to “love” school.
What I want to say here is two sides of the story is very important. if Advisor can tell parent about kids progress more pro-active. A lot of further trouble development can be avoided.
A few not so good things I heard from my daughteror parents. A student had an eating disorder which student did not tell and parent never know. A student had sleepwalk which affected roommates and dorm mates but student/parent did not know at all. A student was under stress therefore caused some health issues but she won’t tell his/her parent at all. Most of time I heard advisor called only when student academic progress fell into yellow-red line.
I am not a parent like Exie knowing if the school is good fit before she went to the school. I am lucky that my daughter was willing to tell me her good/bad and her need.
All I want to say is “fit” to school is not always student/parent responsibilities. School can help students/parent to fit in in certain situations.
To me. I can not see my kids grow/solve my kid issues at first minute, This is a big drawback.</p>

98

<p>It looks to me that the support from advisors to the underclassmen is indeed the weakness of some schools. They really can’t (but seem they do) treat the 14-15 year olds as college freshmen. But trust me, after two years of stumbles of all kinds, trials and errors, bruises all over and wound licking, once they they are upper classmen, they’d be so much more mature, and can handle complex situations with ease. That, i guess, can be thought of as a by-product of the pains they go through in early years.</p>

99

<p>RE: The School Should Film Concerts and Plays for Parents</p>

<p>It’s a lovely idea, but there are copyright issues at work. The school pays a license to perform the music or play live. Filming rights are expensive and can be difficult to negotiate when there are multiple licensing agencies involved, as there typically are in a concert. Most schools turn a blind eye toward parents and kids who film performances (even though it’s illegal), but the school would be inviting a very expensive lawsuit by officially filming and distributing (or selling) performances. I agree that it’s too bad faraway parents can’t see and hear their kids perform, but the school is doing the right thing legally.</p>

100

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<p>I wonder if they do. When we were at parent’s day we dropped in on the spring play and saw a teacher with professional equipment filming the event. My D was in charge of filming all the dance practices and posting them for the students to analyze. And the film instructor took tons of photos from the European trip and put them on a website.</p>

<p>Which makes me wonder if the film/taping is going on but just not advertised.</p>

<p>We need a BS Parent’s Bill of Rights? Sounds like the experiences are so widely disparate that some consistency would be appreciated :slight_smile: Our experience hasn’t been perfect, but D’s school does work pretty hard to keep everyone feeling involved even when they’re not. </p>

<p>P.S. At our D’s school the advisor is not affiliated with her dorm. That’s a plus because it means more “eyes” on the child and more opportunities to talk out issues. Maybe that’s the place to start?</p>