Drawbacks to boarding prep school

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
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<p>Students involved in the performing arts submit DVDs of performances. The filming you saw could have been intended to bolster the students’ application. (i.e., they’re not filming the performances, then purposefully keeping it from the parents.)</p>

<p>I think some advisor network structures work better in small schools than in large schools. In a small school, there’s only one dining hall, so everyone passes through that space every day. Small schools can have all school meetings, which happen less frequently with larger schools.</p>

<p>Linking the dorm and advisor may make sense if they’re trying to create smaller communities within the larger community. Some schools also have teachers who are in charge of a grade, so they will know the students in that grade well.</p>

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<p>Back to Periwinkle’s original question about advisers. All advisers either live in the dorm, (either if the dorm head in an adjacent house with family or in apartments alongside students) or are dorm affiliates–they don’t live in the dorm but are there to check students in one or two nights a week. Dorms usually have both men and women faculty living in them, and my kid is pretty sure that some boys have female advisers and vice-versa. So the difficulty with switching advisers without switching dorms is that the student is going to be seeing the original adviser often around the dorm.</p>

<p>A child with an independent spirit and a willingness to communicate with either parents or a trusted adviser/teacher is going to do best at most boarding schools. However, I wouldn’t describe even a fairly hands-off school like Exeter as a freshman year in college experience. </p>

<p>At Exeter, advisers check in with the kids informally most days; write detailed comments to parents at least twice a year; are responsible for reviewing and releasing mid-term grades to students (my son’s adviser stopped by the dorm room with the grades); review final grades and comments before they are released to parents and students; and (both bluegene and I agree) intervene directly with students when a parent lets them know there’s a problem; and answer parents’ questions quickly and readily. That’s not Taft or living at home under the vigilant eye of one’s loving parents, but it’s not college either. </p>

<p>Like bluegene, when we contacted our son’s adviser about a problem, we also found out that the adviser hadn’t noticed anything wrong. I don’t think there’s anything unusual about that; it takes teens a while to open up and trust adults other than their parents. Once that door opens, though, I think the relationship will get tighter over time, and the child will more readily go to the adviser with worries and concerns. That’s why I feel strongly that parents should not hesitate to contact advisers if they sense something’s not right; the sooner that bond is formed, the better for everyone.</p>

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<p>Quote: <<but- there’s=“” “advocating”=“” for=“” a=“” child=“” who=“” is=“” falling=“” between=“” the=“” cracks=“” or=“” not=“” thriving=“” which=“” we=“” all=“” support,=“” versus=“” calling=“” with=“” an=“” endless=“” list=“” of=“” demands=“” and=“” threats=“” has=“” clearly=“” made=“” situation=“” worse=“” school=“” so=“” much=“” as=“” said=“” by=“” telling=“” parent=“” they=“” had=“” students=“” willing=“” to=“” replace=“” her=“” son=“” (it=“” was=“” hint=“” if=“” ever=“” i’ve=“” heard=“” one.)=“”>></but-></p>

<p>Let’s not get carried away. Just to set the record straight. If you go back to my original post, I brought up TWO issues with the school, not being allowed to register for Honors Physics and the lottery process differing for boys vs. girls.</p>

<p>I don’t appreciate being told I called the school with an endless list of complaints and threats that made “the situation worse.” I’m sorry, it just didn’t happen that way. 2 complaints, no threats.</p>

<p>And again to set the record straight, I’m pretty sure I said the Headmaster intimated that there were 50 lined up to take his place. No one openly stated this as an ultimatum, nor would I think anyone would be that crude or arrogant.</p>

<p>And @ rebelangel, wow, I’m a little surprised you have that much time on your hands to cut and paste a laundry list from all my posts. As it turns out, sometimes here I use a bit more of the vernacular. Yes, I understand you fear that my feelings expressed here come through no matter what, but I can assure you, NO, I didn’t express things in these words to the school. Because this is a PARENTS forum, I feel like I can let my hair down a little here, but I will be much more careful in the future because there are too many people waiting to pounce.</p>

<p>Listen, I posted 3 items for discussion in my original post, not a litany of complaints or threats or anything else. 2 I posed to the school and I think they are legitimate issues. The third had to do with my son saying that the school year is a long time to be separated from his family and that’s his perogative to feel that way.</p>

<p>The issue of wanting DS enrolled in Honors Physics was a dialogue that occurred at the beginning of the year. The unfair housing lottery was brought up at the very end of the year. Guess what? There was nothing negative/no complaints in between. Problem is, there was nothing positive from any advisor or teacher or dean or anything else either. I am learning that I can initiate more communication, and I think that is a good idea.</p>

<p>I do agree with one poster who stated that it is best to try to describe the problem as best as is possible and not to jump in right away and offer recommendations on how to solve. I think the school does have more expertise in dealing with the issues and can suggest best practice. I AM happy however, that I brought these two issues up with the school. In hindsite, I think I would have asked the school for their remedy or plan instead of offering mine.</p>

<p>Finally, dear husband disagrees with me on when to intervene. He would intervene more. I agree with those who try to empower our student and only intervene when I think we need to. Dear Son I think has really benefitted working with teachers around other issues like when you’ll recall I wrote about the time his Physics teacher forgot he was giving them an exam, then halfway thru the class started it. DS felt rushed and couldn’t complete in the time alotted. We supported his talking to the teacher to arrive at a plan for how to manage. He did this with some other things, disappointment on his performance on a particular test because he overstudied, etc, and he has really benefitted from working things out himself.</p>

<p>And finally, thank goodness his returning is not up for a vote here. I don’t appreciate being told he should stay home because of x, y and z. It’s not up to you and I didn’t ask for your opinion on that.</p>

<p>Let’s please try to support one another and have respectful dialogue on the issues and not veer too much off track, please. thx</p>

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<p>We’re all trying to be respectful, and if you remember, when you first posted your comments about grieving the loss of your first choice, a lot of parents were sympathetic and supportive. But over time, the accumulation of posts suggests that the communication with the school has been more than the “two” complaints above.</p>

<p>@rebelangel isn’t the first to try to show, through prior posts, how they don’t add up to the assertions or might be working against you.</p>

<p>We all blow off steam - here and elsewhere, but we also can spot when a parent inadvertently lets it “roll” into their communications at school. Which is why we urge caution when treading into the student’s territory. We’re trying to tell you that your son’s lack of support may have everything to do with a perception the school has about the parent’s tone and behavior.</p>

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<p>That’s pretty much the same as telling you take it or leave it. What we’re trying to say is the comment from the headmaster, and in light of your son’s decision to immediately turn around and apply to his first choice school during the first semester – which resulted in both a rejection and a blunt assessment of why – has left you with few options. </p>

<p>And your current school knows that. </p>

<p>In poker - it’s a tell. You don’t have good cards in your hand and the school called your bluff and raised the ante.</p>

<p>These schools don’t have 50 students ready to take his place. They have thousands.</p>

<p>Despite our sparring, I thought it took a lot of guts for you to confess that you tried again for another school. But now you’re faced with a choice: stay or leave the current one.</p>

<p>If you stay, better to mea culpa and fix the school relationship, IMHO, and accept that not everything will go his way. It’s a long road your son has ahead to be at a school that pretty much let you know that they don’t care if you stay or not: Full pay or not.</p>

<p>Hope it works out for you and your son.</p>

105

<p>RBGG- log in to the parent portal, and end of year grades and term reports are up. For the third time this year, you should have detailed comments from the form dean, advisor, every academic teacher and the spring coach. If you’re not getting anything positive from a dean, teacher or coach then you should probably factor that in to your decision. There is always some attrition and wait list movement over the summer- know of one local kid who was pulled off of the wait list and is beyond thrilled.</p>

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<p>Agree with the mea culpa and fix the school relationship. In terms of the suggested “long road,” not so sure. It’s a long road for all the students and families. My child is not at the warm and fuzzy school so often described here. He’s more at the swim or sink kind of school
And at Baystate, yes I am aware of the portal. After you told me we downloaded all kinds of wonderful accolades re his work from his teachers. Would have been nice to have had it in semi-real time, but better late than never.</p>

<p>yes, I too heard the shouts of joy from poster re getting pulled off the waitlist. We are thrilled for him/her and hope he won’t experience any disappointment with his choice.</p>

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<p>RBGG: I can easily see how you might have missed all the on-line communication. Some of this may be the transition, too, from elementary school/junior high. Here, our public school teachers make a point of involving parents in the early years–sending home newsletters, having us sign report cards, etc. Then, when they hit secondary school, it’s as if all the communication channels had suddenly disappeared. And the teachers who do still post newlsetters or assignments now seem to do it entirely on line. I think that has its advantages, but I just haven’t figured out an easy way to keep track of three different parent portals, with their various passwords and usernames… And it’s always the case that we teachers tend to communicate less with the parents of “good” kids.</p>

<p>That said, I do hope that you’re able to establish a good relationship with your son’s adviser next year, so that you feel you can email any time with little questions or concerns, rather than letting it all brew Do you have an opportunity on Parents Week-end to meet with teachers? We didn’t take advantage of that, but I think I would if I had your concerns about how my kid was being tracked, just to get a clearer picture of things, and maybe get your kid more on the teacher’s radar. </p>

<p>Back to MY downside…filming concerts… the school has some performances from 2008 on line, and my kids have always been able to buy cd’s of their concerts from summer camps, ballet performances, etc., filmed and produced by the organization. so I think the copyright thing must be an obstacle that can be overcome, at least for private distribution. The school is doing a better job getting slideshows on the website at least–but I still wish someone would keep their long distance parent fan base more in mind. :confused: Thank goodness for the kindness of other parents who take and send the occasional photo…and if I scout around enough on Facebook and youtube, I can sometimes pick up a video. Oh well–it’s all part of the trade-off.</p>

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<p>Yes, I agree with idea of trying to meet teachers next year and also making a good relationship with advisor. The good news there is that I think dear son will stick with same advisor and we have a good relationship with said advisor which can always be strengthened.</p>

<p>DS got courage to look at his grades and did exceptionally well as we thought he could even with the end of year antics of which he and his roommate was involved (not just parents). I haven’t read the teacher feedback reports as of yet but I am sure they will give good feedback and detail like the first two terms we just downloaded.</p>

<p>In the end, I have to think that this school (though granted not the first choice) is still a good opportunity for him. He is performing at the apex academically and athletically. In his first choice BS, sometimes I wonder if that would have been true.</p>

<p>Also, lessons learned, my neice several years ago only got into one college which was her bottom choice. Although very disappointed, she too was able to see the opportunity and it met her needs and she got into a “top 20” med school and fast forward now to present day, just got into her choice competitive Radiology residency program this year thru the match.</p>

<p>Lessons learned for me is that there is more than one way to skin a cat, or get to the final goal. It may not be the road first mapped out, but with persistence and with a goal in mind, there is more than one way to get there. In my own mind, I am fast forwarding and thinking in the end it will turn out okay. Maybe we’ll look back on our experience and say we were overly worried. All 3 of us (husband, myself and son), have certainly gotten an education.</p>

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Lessons learned for me is that there is more than one way to skin a cat, or get to the final goal.<a href=“Believe%20it%20or%20not,%20I%20am%20trying%20to%20help…”>/quote</a> But is BS the “way” that makes most sense? Your son sounds like a bright and motivated kid who’d succeed in schools of different kind and quality within reason. If he doesn’t strongly object, I would pull him back to a good day school or the highly rated PS to save some $ for his college and giving him more family support. It’s not too late. For a family that doesn’t have the BS tradition, not super rich but paying full tuition, and have good to excellent local options, if after a year sees no clear/big advantages of attending the BS, I vote for getting out of it. Sometimes we can be so caught up in the perceived prestige of a school and forget to see clearly what it can do for you and how much it costs.</p>

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<p>I sometimes wonder if BS can be a success if family did not have a BS Tradition, as DAndrew suggests. Does anyone know of happy parents with a smooth experience who did not come from BS in family background? My friends who both went to BS seem to navigate and enjoy the experience with their kids seemlessly, whereas, for us, it has been a constant questionmark–did we do the right think for our DC?</p>

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<p>Unfamilarity, unpreparedness and high expectations “taint” the experience of families with no BS tradition. Once you have one generation of BS attendees, you’d know a lot more on what to expect, how to prepare your kids or which kid fits in what kind of schools etc. So in a sense, RGBB, you are paying tution for the next generation too. :)</p>

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<p>Erlanger and DAndrew- how true. I also think it’s harder on families who have good local options, whether it’s private day school, public school or charter school, to make the decision. Since we have a family BS tradition and no good local options, we are just very grateful for the opportunity to pay for BS! That probably explains a lot of our enthusiasm LOL.</p>

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<p>I think DAndrew, Erlanger and Baystate all make good sense.</p>

<p>In a way you’re right DA, we sort of have an embarrassment of resources if you will. We have a terrific local PS option. I think dear son would do well wherever he goes, but he has decided to go back. It will be interesting in the long run to see if he will be an advocate for his son for BS or not.</p>

<p>I can see for those without a local good option, how things could be viewed differently. My son told me of one student who felt shackled to the school because there were no good local options back home and how this had affected him.</p>

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<p>We had good local options and no one in our family had ever been to boarding school. However my one son just graduated and our second is starting in September. My first son loved his experience -even though it was a bit tough at the beginning. Hopefully our second will feel the same way. We chose boarding school for the overall experience however, not just for the education or matriculation. We also chose a very caring small school which I think helped, based on Erlanger’s feedback!</p>

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<p>We have no bs in our background, and it has been a great fit for our kid. I think it’s the kid more than anything. Ours just clearly needed something different–and bs’s, when we, on a whim, looked at them, just sounded like the place for him–when we looked at the way the day is structured–the balance of academics, sports, music–the curriculum and how it was studied, we could easily picture him there.</p>

<p>I look at my second kid and I see “small day school”–unfortunately, out of range for us–but I won’t send him to bs just because I don’t have anything better at home or because I think he might grow into a different kind of kid if he goes there. Peas and tomatoes need different kind of soil to produce fruit, and it’s no different for kids. The difficult thing as a parent is to determine what kind of seed you’ve got in your hand.</p>

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<p>Love the analogy classical mama!</p>

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<p>We need to quote this over and over again!</p>

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<p>Kids are more than peas or tomatoes. They are adaptable and natually resilient, and many can thrive in different environment within reason, whether it’s a good public school, a nurturing private day school, or a highly competitive BS. Parents are of course always trying to find the best they can reach for their kids, but sometimes one should take a step back and ask - is BS the option that makes most sense? In certain contexts, when a kid can be successful in different school environment, some common sense cost (which is more than financial) vs benefit analysis would be a sensible thing to do and whatever the decision it would be far from putting peas in tomato soil.</p>

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<p>Umm. Many of us think @classicalmama had a very astute observation. I have one pea and one tomato. Both with extremely high IQ’s and functioning. My oldest outscored her peers at an elite private school and was near perfect on ACT’s. But she would have crashed and burned at boarding school. She chose to live near home for college and it was a good decision. The youngest functions more completely in a number of diverse situations - asked to go to boarding school, then did 99% of the work to get there. Despite the tough adjustment from her previous school, is thriving, and she’s getting awards and leadership positions. </p>

<p>The whole point of the analogy was to acknowledge that children raised in the same environment don’t function or turn out the same. That doesn’t make them any less valuable, or healthy - just different.</p>

<p>As such - school decisions are not a one-size, adjust all situation. </p>

<p>Hence, what we’ve beat the drum over for years is to drop the trend toward being enamored with the idea of boarding school, or choosing based on prestige and reputation, and look for fit.</p>

<p>My azelea bushes need an acidic soil to thrive. Other flowers need akaline soil. My hostas are struggling in their shady clay soil environment. My Canna’s seem to love their location which is a combination of soils and has afternoon sunlight. The canna’s would have died if I left them to winter in this climate but I dug them up, put them in the basement, and replanted this spring. They are multiplying. But my daffodils have struggled to grow for the last five years. They sprout abundant greens but not flowers. I finally moved them to a different location with more sun and a large helping of indoor potting soil and I had a bumper crop for the first time.</p>

<p>Plant your children where they will not just grow - but bloom and bear fruit.</p>

<p>Peas and tomatoes was exactly the right analogy for this discussion.</p>

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<p>OK. If “many of” you think it’s right, then I must be wrong. :wink: And you are saying “Peas and tomatoes was exactly the right analogy for this discussion.”? Then tell me in which discussion it isn’t? “Fit” is everything and all we should talk about right? :slight_smile: Anyway, don’t take offense. I am just in the mood of having some lighthearted fun.</p>