Dreaded phone call, what to do?

Parents Forum
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<p>Sadly, we got a dreaded phone call this AM from DS, who is a freshman in college. He went out to an off-campus party last night. Got drunk. Came back to the dorm. Threw up. His RA was on the ball and followed their apparently standard procedure of drunk student throwing up = go to the hospital. So he spent the night in the hospital. </p>

<p>He called because he wanted us to hear it from him, not from anyone else. He's sorry. It was a stupid decision. It was horrible. It won't happen again. Yada, yada, yada. He's not sure yet what the consequences are, university-wise; he was going to talk to his RA today and find out. We were just stunned. All the conversations over the years, all the alcohol.edu stuff he had to do before to school -- apparently in one ear, out the other. I'm sure we pretty much blew it on the phone -- we didn't blow up at him, didn't go crazy either angry or upset, just listened, didn't say much. Did tell him he needs to understand how serious this is, and we're really disappointed in this choice; he has a great opportunity by being at school, but he has to make choices to be happy, healthy, and successful there. I did say something like, "You need to think seriously about what happened and why you were in that situation so you can make different choices." He responded that he just wasn't going to drink again. I told him, "That's all well and good and certainly what I'd prefer. But the reality is that unless you give yourself some concrete strategies to follow, you'll be just as likely to consume too much if your willpower fails."</p>

<p>So, such a nice, bright beginning, and now this. Pisses me off. Breaks my heart. Makes me sick to my stomach knowing my kid was lying in a hospital last night and I had no idea (not faulting anyone for that -- still makes me sick to my stomach).</p>

<p>So, what do we need to say that we haven't said? What should we do that we have no idea we should do? Or do we just listen, hold him accountable for whatever the consequences are, and pray?</p>

<p>Any kids reading this, don't think, "Oh, that'll never happen to me." Don't blow off the alcohol education and all the stuff your parents tell you. Alcohol is not a toy, candy, or ice cream. Going overboard is dangerous. Don't think because drunk people throwing up is the stuff of jokes and stories and funny movies that there is anything funny about it. </p>

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<p>I’m a parent and I would dread the call. But I know dozens if not hundreds of people who have done the same. It’s not like his life is over. I’d be surprised if he gets in serious trouble.</p>

<p>I’m surprised he was sent to the hospital just for throwing up. At most schools I don’t think he would have been.</p>

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<p>I’m pretty much sure you didn’t. Sounds like, given the circumstances, you did the best you could.</p>

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<p>Obviously, when you’re suffering from a hangover, this is a very easy thing to say. When the memory goes away and the peer pressure/wanting to fit in takes over, it’s a different story. As in most things, moderation is the key, and with alcohol, for many people this can take a while to figure out and effectively practice.</p>

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<p>I am usually on the other end of that phone call, as an ER doc. Kids do dumb stuff, its not the road to perdition. And this is not the “dreaded” phone call. He wasn’t in the ICU on a ventilator, or found dead. He is likely embarrassed, possibly in some minor trouble for being underaged and intoxicated and hopefully “scared straight”. </p>

<p>It sounds like you handled it just fine. I am always impressed with the parents who let the kid stew in their own thoughts - a simple “disappointed” head shake usually has more impact than raising heck. I hope I would be so good if ever go that phone call myself. </p>

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<p>We got that same call from our D during her freshman year. Almost identical circumstances, except that she passed out instead of throwing up. We didn’t know how to react. We were relieved and glad that she was OK, and that her friends did the right thing by taking her to the hospital. She was so remorseful that we didn’t want to scold immediately. </p>

<p>After we all calmed down a bit, and she had a good sleep, we had a long discussion. We talked about learning limits and other strategies to deal with situations where there was alcohol. We didn’t assume that she would never drink again, but we did expect her to learn how to drink in moderation. </p>

<p>As far as the university was concerned, she had to take an alcohol-awareness seminar and meet with a counsellor three times. All in all, it was actually a good outcome for her. She really learned a lesson (scared straight). She never had another incident during college and now she seems to be a sensible moderate social drinker - like most of her peers. </p>

<p>Best wishes to the OP and son. </p>

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<p>I agree and there could be many worse phone calls. It was good that he felt he could call and tell you…as an adult he could go through the consequences and you would know nothing. And yes if there are consequences like an MIP you can advise. The severity of that will depend on where he is living - it can range from a simple warning by the college to a misdemeanor ticket to some places where it might be wise to have an attorney. </p>

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<p>They have a policy of sending someone to the hospital for throwing up drunk? That really surprises me. As a parent, I’d probably want to check into that to make sure there isn’t anything else going on. If he passed out, I could understand it, but I can’t see an ER being all that happy about taking every college student who throws up into their unit when there are serious illnesses and accidents to take care of.
I also wouldn’t be broken-hearted over this, certainly not for a one-time affair. Actually, it’s common for kids who aren’t accustomed to drinking or knowing their limits to have this happen to them, and probably less common for kids whose bodies have higher limits for alcohol. I’d probably worry more about them, in the long run.</p>

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<p>Actually you did what I would want to be able to do when I get the phone call. Kudos to you. Also, HE CALLED YOU and TOLD YOU. This is big in my eyes. Many kids would never tell their parents about their antics, especially the throwing up and overnight hospital stay. </p>

<p>Kids will make mistakes. All we parents can do is pray 1) the mistakes are fairly minor (throwing up is minor but sent to the hospital? that’s a bit concerning) and 2) they learn from the mistakes.</p>

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<p>He needs to figure out his limit. I wouldn’t be surprised that it is the school’s policy so parents would be notified. </p>

<p>Your son is no different than most college students. You could talk until you turn blue, they will still want to try alcohol when they are in college. It is silly we have drinking age of 21, kids end up binge drink (pre-game) because they don’t know if they will be able to get another drink later. I would teach your kid to drink in moderation rather than absolute abstinence. No different than sex education. It is better to teach our kids to have safe sex than abstinence.</p>

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<p>Blew it?</p>

<p>I thought you handled it perfectly.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the reassurances. Yes, big picture, the phone call could have been ALOT worse.
He’s supposed to call us again after he talks to his RA and knows more about what happens from here. That will be good because he’ll be less groggy and have had time to think about it more, and we will have had time to think about it more. I will probe more about the going to the hospital thing. He lives in the dorm in an engineering living and learning community. His room is just down the hall from the RA’s. It wouldn’t surprise me that the school policy for RA’s dealing with this sort of thing would be to send them to the hospital, just from a cautionary/liability perspective; maybe its an over-reaction, but if the RA makes the wrong call and the kid needs to be hospitalized, then its a Big Deal for the university. And, if nothing else, maybe it makes a bigger impression on the drunk kids, to end up in the hospital for the night. I hope so…</p>

<p>While I’d prefer he not drink, I’m not naive enough to think it will never happen again. He needs to learn moderation and how to pace himself.</p>

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<p>I had real trepidation opening this thread; what a relief it’s not something much worse. I don’t know the school, their policies, or OP’s son, but perhaps it will reinforce how serious over-drinking can be to him and his classmates. </p>

<p>Are there any post-event consequences for this? I hope not; such a policy would be penny wise pound foolish. </p>

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<p>I’d rather that the college had a policy that drunk kids throwing up end up at the hospital than just assuming they didn’t drink a lethal amount. I’m thinking he may have drank way too much and that’s why the hospital kept him over night.</p>

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<p>Not sure how a kid would hide an overnight hospital stay given the bills that likely go along with that… one thing my kid said to me when she had stomach flu last week is how annoying it was that everyone in the dorm assumed she had been drinking when she honestly was just sick in the middle of the night on a Friday. At least her RA didn’t trundle her off to the hospital… I don’t want to downplay the situation, but I think an awful lot of kids at least give it a try when they get to college. The question is whether he will moderate (or stay off it altogether) now. No way to tell for sure.</p>

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<p>While I understand that this was not the phone call you wanted, I fail to see where the “dreaded” is. The fact that he called you, and that he’s not calling you from a jail, should near-automatically mean there’s no need for dread. He’s alive and has not done something serious enough to warrant immediate arrest (like a DUI or something). </p>

<p>I don’t think you blew it by a long shot, but I also don’t think this is a dire situation. Kids binge drink and throw up. I’m surprised at this university policy, but I can see the reasoning for it. I’m not saying it’s good, but it’s certainly not the end of the world. </p>

<p>Have him check out the alcohol-reduction resources on campus. As long as it’s a reasonably large university, they likely have counseling services for students who think there might be a problem and alcohol free events. Here, we have something called BASICS which has an incredible success rate and is actually a lot of fun. It’s a counseling session that focuses on a student’s morals and tries to get to the heart of why they’re over-drinking and what they can do to reduce that. </p>

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<p>As a HS senior, my son had a drunk classmate who he thought was becoming dangerously unresponsive. He called the kid’s father, who was too far away to come immediately, so my son called 911. The kid spent the night in the hospital, and was grateful the next day, as was his father (who said there was a chance that DS saved his kid’s life – hard to know, but the kid was completely out of it). Good Samaritan laws kept everyone from legal consequences, but quite a few of the partiers were angry at DS, saying that he had ruined a good party and that, since the kid lived, that was proof that the call was unnecessary. Note that DS was the only sober kid there (designated driver). </p>

<p>These were all high achieving kids. Eventually most of them apologized to DS for giving him grief. Drunk teenagers are functional idiots. </p>

<p>We formulated a new family rule that night: if you are wondering whether you should call 911, that’s a sign that you should. </p>

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<p>As others have said, this is surely not THE dreaded phone call. Luckily, your son is fine and it sounds like something that has happened to LOTS of kids his age. I think it is good he called you. I think your reaction was spot on…you listened and said that you were disappointed in his choice and he needs to learn to make better choices. You did not get angry. I think it is quite likely that the experience scared him enough that he will think twice about over drinking in the future. I would not give my kid any consequence for this one time slip up. I think everyone slips up at some point and this was not that major (could have been but wasn’t). Now, if it happened again, different story. </p>

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<p>@soozievt – Consequence? How do we give him a consequence from 300 miles away if we wanted/needed to?</p>

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<p>I would bet that it is the rare college freshman that has not found themselves coming back to the dorm and throwing up. Unfortunate, but this is what college freshman do. </p>

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<p>ailinsh…Let me be clear that I don’t think you should give him ANY consequence. But I am sure there are ones you could dream up. He could be docked allowance (IF you give him one in the first place) or something else. I realize he can’t be grounded, ha ha, when he is in college. All I was trying to say is that I would do what you did which is to express your feelings of disappointment and suggest what he does going forward to avoid this in the future, but I would not get angry or punitive about it. I don’t think what he did was that severe. What is really important is that he learns from this to avoid it ever happening again. If it is a continuing problem, different story. </p>