<p>My youngest struggles with executive function skills, so I can see myself needing to guide her through busy times for a few more years still. For example, she’s been swamped with work this week because the high school marking period ends Friday and all the teachers are having tests and projects due. So D will work hard and with focus on her own, but sometimes has trouble planning out her tasks and prioritizing appropriately. She had two things due for English class today. One was an essay test to prepare for on one book, and the other an ordinary reading assignment. In her mind, both were due on the same day and both needed completing, so that made them equivalent. I had to make her see that the test needed to be addressed first and with a greater time input than the other homework. </p>
<p>While I doubt I’d need to encamp near college, it’s conceivable I’d have to go over her schedule and plan of attack in an exam crunch time.</p>
<p>^ Funny. Maybe it wasn’t that she decided to accompany him, but rather that he demanded she come with him in case he needed anything immediately.</p>
<p>These articles aren’t written because of a small number of kids with special circumstances that need a parent to help them in college. There has always been those situations and they were seen for what they were… exceptions. These articles are written when it’s common place. Does it mean all parents are like this? Of course not. When you used to come across 1 parent like this every couple years and suddenly you come across 5 parents like this every year… it’s clear that it’s not just “special circumstances.”</p>
<p>There is no denying that we are a culture that has started babying our babies too much. I’m hardly innocent. I’ve caught myself doing the kids chores because “oh gosh, they are so busy and maybe they aren’t old enough” despite my having had the exact same chores and work load as they did as various ages and had no problem. Heck, I was mortified going to the DMV with my daughter and when they asked about her certificate <em>I</em> answered. I totally deserved the sharp look from the desk clerk! I fall into these traps despite being the school yard pariah who makes her kids pack their own lunches and never knows what last night’s homework was. I’ve gotten picked at for not running home to get a forgotten homework assignment, for not attending all 60 performances of my kid’s plays, for not volunteering for the school band (because I thought maybe running a Girl Scout Troop and organizing hundreds of volunteers at the youth theatre was enough.) As a culture, more of us spend our children’s whole childhood not letting them face the natural consequences of their actions so of course, come college, they still seem so fragile!</p>
<p>My husband is in a position of having to hire many 20 somethings and entitled attitude is a real problem in general. So many of these kids are smart and educated but come in with no experience and want top dollar for entry level work. They don’t feel the need prove themselves for more money… if you want better work, then pay more for it up front. They blame him for not “reminding” them of their show calls when they get handed the same schedule as everyone else. When they are late, it’s always someone else’s fault. They are great with technology but seriously don’t see any need to clean-up after themselves in the break room. Oh, and yes, he’s gotten two calls from parents of 25±year-olds wondering why their child’s hours were reduced or why they didn’t get put on the Hawaii conference. Does that mean there is never a hard worker coming in? Nope… still lot’s of great kids… he’s just not getting calls from their mommies.</p>
<p>I have also noticed that a couple of the helicopter kids that I know (and in my neighborhood, helicoptering is common) are highly sucessful (although it’s hard to define success for a 22-year-old except getting into Stanford Law School). One young woman in particular has been coddled, indulged and protected since birth. My concerns about this style of parenting are these: first, what will happen to this helicopter kid if one or both of the parents gets ill/dies? Second, why does the kid put up with the constant interference? When this particular young lady found a boyfriend, the dad was making such a big deal of it, how would he cope, etc at a party that he was truly an embarrassment. No one knew how to react. It’s just a boyfriend. My own D would be so mad at me if I made a big fuss about her and her boyfriend in public.
I raised my D to be independent because that it how I like to live my life, not knowing I would get advanced cancer and independence will be a life skill for her, not just a personality trait. She is 22 and supporting herself. Because of my condition, I hear from her a couple of times a day- otherwise I think it would be a couple of times a week. If I were having to micromanage her life as well as my own right now, I would not be smelling the roses, which is what I should be doing. Helicoptering to me is a form of narcissism. It’s about making the parent look good, not about the best interests of the child.</p>
<p>There are a lot of things I would have done for my children, even would have enjoyed doing, that I haven’t done for this reason alone. I love my children too much not to do my very best to help them become independent adults who will be able to carry on when we both die – which could be any time between today and 50 years from now.</p>
<p>Turtletime mentions work- I’ve had some view to what some of these kids do when the hovering starts to squeeze the air out of them. I don’t know if it’s pure rebellion or a genuine attempt to establish their own selves. But D1 has always been open about what some of her friends are up to, on their own time. Many of them had those parents who’d tell the rest of us how everything was so great. (It reached a point where I had to call it TMI.) </p>
<p>I think there may be some equation- the more you hover, the harder some of them push back, in ways their parents may not “see.”</p>
<p>My mother emailed this article to my H and me last week. My H’s responded with this: </p>
<p>"If we must use vehicular analogies, then I would describe my situation as a parent of a college student/young adult as being a tug boat.</p>
<p>A tug boat is there to give a boost to a ship–a push or pull that is gentle enough not be be harmful, but with enough steady strength, reliability and consistent direction to make it work right for both vessels. The tug boat is there to guide the ship on its way out to its voyage, making sure it doesn’t collide with any barriers or other boats, nor run aground and become stuck in the muck. </p>
<p>It’s up to the captain of the ship to aspire to the voyage, set the course, know what is needed to go, what to take on board the ship and calculate how much ballast he’ll need. The tug doesn’t make that happen. The tug boat guides him out to open waters and the shipping lanes in the vast sea. It’s the ship captain’s job to make way.</p>
<p>Both the tug skipper and the ship captain should understand that it won’t always be smooth sailing–the ocean can be rough, storms are many, and things can get off course sometimes. Both know that there are many ports of call on the voyage; some useful and sustaining, and others that are false, wasteful or best avoided. It’s all part of the journey. Sometimes the destination can change due to necessity, shifting currents–other times simply for the sake of adventure.</p>
<p>Naturally from time to time, the ship and its captain need to return to home port for fuel, scraping off barnacles, a few repairs or just some rest and relaxation. And on those occasions, the tug boat is always there waiting…always ready and willing to guide the ship back into safe harbor and see that what’s needed gets done before it’s time for the ship to cast off lines to embark on the voyage again. </p>
<p>I don’t know if I’m a good tug skipper, but I think I enjoy the work."</p>
<p>I’m sure there are children of helicopter parents who do just fine out in the real world. And then there are some that don’t.</p>
<p>I’ve had people working for me who think the team assistant (a shared secretary) is supposed to call your cellphone when it’s 8:20 am and you haven’t shown up yet and a big important meeting starts at 8:30 am since “My parents always made sure I was on time for things”. Nope. Not happening. I’ve had young hires in my department who think that someone is going to make them a big schedule and hang it over their computer to keep them on task. (I remind them nicely that this is why one shows up for a meeting with a writing implement- so one can write down their deadlines). I’ve had new hires who think the team assistant is going to file their health care claims and do their expense reports (note- our system is fully automated and online… so an 8 year old who can read and type can do both of these in about 5 minutes per month).</p>
<p>There are some young people out there who are really used to Mom and Dad functioning as their “Executive Assistants” pretty much their entire lives- making appointments, reminding of deadlines, resolving scheduling conflicts, handling the paperwork, etc. Real Life doesn’t function that way- if you get an assistant in your first job out of undergrad, it’s likely to be someone who supports a group, not your own personal assistant. And so that person will be happy to do team related logistics (coordinating a group meeting, booking rooms and travel, tracking invoices, sending out meeting reminders to the entire group, etc.) That person is NOT going to balance your checkbook, wake you up in the morning, remind you to take your clothes to the cleaners or do your laundry, or tell you when it’s time to stop texting your girlfriend and get back to work because the SVP of your division is walking down the hall and is about to step into your cubicle for a chat.</p>
<p>Helicopters- please cut the cord!!! Corporate America is relying on you!</p>
<p>I have a friend who helped her son write his papers in high school, then in college, and now even in his job in the business world (his job is to write). I couldn’t believe she would admit this, but she does. The good news is that she is an excellent writer, so her S’s employer is probably getting a bargain.</p>
Because helicopter parents are good at creating dependency, especially the “need to be needed” type. The minute you show any hint of indepentent thought or action, they come back at you and make you feel so guilty or incompetent that you don’t even bother fighting back. Then, they wonder why you struggle so hard when you finally are on your own and can’t figure anything out.
Abso-damn-loutely! You hit the nail on the head.</p>
<p>When I see some of the resumes posted on CC, I have to wonder how on earth today’s kids are doing as much as they claim to be doing. I think some resumes contain lies and hyperbole, and for others I have to assume that someone, like mom or dad, is lightening the student’s load in some significant ways. No matter how competent a teenager is, there are only so many hours in day and even super-achievers need to shower and sleep a few hours at some point. These special students cannot possibly be handling any of their own mundane tasks like most of us did growing up. For example, maybe mom drives them to their EC even though they have a driver’s license, so they can use the time in the car to study. During the school year they probably aren’t ever babysitting younger siblings, mowing lawns, washing the dinner dishes or doing laundry. And with the popularity of taking summer classes and the need to do community service, they likely aren’t doing many of those things on weekends or during vacations either. Instead, they’re inventing or discovering something at the university’s lab, or training to become a national level athlete. And to hear parents around here talk, plenty of moms and dads are doing a bit more than “helping” with homework or “editing” papers. They’re actually doing homework and writing papers for their kids, since the poor kids are “just so busy.” Obviously, that ups the ante for everyone else, and so more parents fall into the trap of over-helping so junior can stay competitive with his peers.</p>
<p>GFG- I had one child who was super human in HS (superb organizational skills, excellent time management, didn’t need a lot of sleep, super capable at 80/20 planning) and one who as I’ve posted before, would have spent HS watching Simpson’s reruns on the couch if we’d let him. Fortunately, one in the middle to balance this extremes!</p>
<p>So I don’t think it’s always true that the competent teenagers are getting lots of help from mom and dad. All our kids were expected to pull their weight at home (I’ve always worked full time outside the home and traveled quite a bit) and although we were inclined to excuse a sink-full of dirty dishes if a kid seemed under a pile of deadlines, everyone had regular chores. Other than a few pick ups at an athletic practice or game, my kids took public transportation to navigate the EC’s (parents were just not available to drive). And we’ve never written or edited papers either.</p>
<p>But my way is not the only way, and I know kids who got much more parental support than mine did, and many of them turned out fine also. (Mine were probably the only ones who taught their dorm-mates how to iron, sew on buttons, and get lint off black pants when you don’t have a lint brush, but that’s the bonus of building self-sufficiency).</p>
<p>My beef as an employer is the young grad who expects other people to handle their “executive functioning issues”. I had one young employee tell me that it’s my job to remind members of the team when things are due. And that if I notice that he is habitually late turning things in, maybe I should tell him something is due two days earlier than it is actually due.</p>
<p>I had to explain that this is not 5th grade; you don’t get do-overs when you blow a deadline but you do have to face the irritation of your co-workers because you’ve now created twice as much work for them, etc. And the traditional way of getting your work done on time- actually writing down “EMEA trend report due 12/6, first draft to the team should go out 11/26 for comments” on your calendar- whether physical, digital, or app-based, might actually be more effective than waiting for your bosses boss to email you on 12/8 asking, “where the hell is the EMEA trend report?”</p>
<p>I will tell him you both like the tugboat. </p>
<p>My job is simply christening the ship with a bottle of champagne - after which I drink what is left in the bottle and wait for postcards from the ship’s captain from different ports of call. ;)</p>
<p>I look at it the other way - having a car at one’s own disposal to be able to drive to EC’s and so forth is the “luxury” or indulgence, not having mom drive you. Since when was car at one’s disposal a given or an expectation at age 16?</p>
<p>Choosing to buy a house on the bus line- Priceless.</p>
<p>We gave up the one acre zoned town, the gated community, and the long and winding driveway but the kids got to navigate the orthodontist, the public library, debating team, etc. all by themselves.</p>
<p>So, on one hand, thinking those kids can’t possibly be doing it all without Mom or Dad facilitating. On the other hand, thinking that what our own kids do is somehow extraordinary, because it seems so, to us.</p>
<p>Same kinds of thinking. Limited to what we know or see or think. Many, many kids have drive and the skills that allow them to accomplish much. If Mom gets them some work at the hospital, it’s still an experience. If Dad helps them with math, so maybe they improve their skills. Happens. Different from hovering.</p>
<p>But I don’t doubt some of Linked In, etc, is exaggerated.</p>