<p>I have a friend that has kids from hell. The daughter is rude, obnoxious and disrespectful. The son is dismissive and disrespectful. They both treat this poor woman with utter contempt. It makes me sick. I have told her many times that if they lived at my house, they would get out of school one day to find their cell phones cut off, their rooms stripped of anything but a bed and a sheet and with nothing to wear other than their school uniforms. All kids can get lippy from time to time, but this was an ongoing assault. If they were my kids we wouldn’t have needed to worry about braces, cuz I’d have already knocked their teeth out of their smart mouths.</p>
<p>As I write, DS is upstairs reading the Joy of Cooking because he was complaining that “we” didn’t teach him to cook properly. I shudder to think what we will eat, but I am not putting up with the parental blaming tonight. All of you are inspiring me.</p>
<p>I want to add that I have always gotten positive feedback from other people about her behavior which has saved her on numerous occassions because I have often been her whipping post. I am no pansy and she doesn’t use foul language but she can get mighty mean sometimes. </p>
<p>Just keep reminding him that after high school anything you do for him is out of the kindness of your heart. That he better not harden your heart or there will be no kindness. It is your way or the highway. They do have choices. </p>
<p>I know I sound horrible but my kids really do love me and they know I will do anything for them. They constantly hug me and give me kisses out of the blue and often. Even the 19 year old.</p>
<p>I don’t know your situation but part of it could be attributed to you.</p>
<p>When I was a senior, my parent’s constant unreasonable demands were seen as a power trip. They didn’t treat me with respect, and I in turn gave them none. It was their fault (although similar to you they’d probably say I was the problem)…</p>
<p>Almost as soon as I moved out for college, they started treating me a whole lot better (i.e; with respect) and I was able to forgive them and now we have a great relationship. Oftentimes parents still try to grasp onto their power when their children are mature and should be treated as equals, and this creates problems cause at this time the student wants to and deserves more respect. </p>
<p>…idk, but then again, I was never under the illusion that my parents would contribute to my college education. $100k seems like overkill to me and is absolutly a ridiculous amount to expect one’s parents to contribute to one’s own education.</p>
<p>I agree this behavior is so typical. At this age, many kids struggle with separating their own identities from those their parents created for them. They’re still kids, so they can’t see beyond rebellion, lack of consideration, or the flip attitude that sets us off. It can be hellish. Because this can be typical, it is far too soon to call it a day and dump a kid. </p>
<p>My D2 will be a junior and is still going through this- in bursts. It is, as someone said, exhausting. And personally challenging to always have to be on your toes, not engaged in some fracas with them not picking every minor thing to focus on. You keep letting them know you love them, believe in them, and see better in them than the crap they’re dishing out. Ultimatums only fuel the fire they are trying to set. If you have areas where you can improve, go for it- but don’t get caught in the blame him or blame myself gig. It’s defeating to you - and the future relationship.</p>
<p>There are kids who are sour apples and always will be. Right now is just too soon to make final judgment. Our work is not yet done. </p>
<p>NO, don’t buy him or her a car.</p>
<p>I am so happy to read this thread. One D admittedly was very easy to raise, just had that kind of personality. One D I have to admit is more like me,( how I was as teenish person at least) & could be surly, sarcastic, or snide. Although I have had both her friend’s parents and teachers say how much they enjoy her, I didn’t really see that side at home.</p>
<p>It is documented Behavior to “foul the nest”. Not to say you cant have standards, but it is to be expected behavior and will end.</p>
<p>Interestingly enough, I went through that angry rebellious stage with my father at a slightly earlier age…13-15 which coincided with my freshman and sophomore years in high school. </p>
<p>Sounded like your kid wasn’t nearly as bad as I was…sent to the dean 4 times in first semester freshman year, crappy grades, openly antagonistic towards some jerky teachers, and even had a few physical confrontations with my father at 14-15. Yes…even my teachers said I had some issues with authority figures back then. </p>
<p>Not small stuff when I was still barely 5’2" and he was 5’10". </p>
<p>Then again, my parents never paid a cent of my college tuition thanks to a near-full ride scholarship I somehow received, my working part-time/summers to pay the rest, and a small three-figured loan which was paid off within 6 months of graduation. </p>
<p>One side effect of my father’s “I demand uncritical respect” attitude was that I refused to allow him to see my undergrad grade reports until several years after I graduated from college…even when my record was one most parents would have been proud of. </p>
<p>In short…better to figure out what’s the root causes of the rebelliousness/anger and try to deescalate. Trying to use threats such as “not paying for college” tends to drive many further away…sometimes permanently as illustrated by some classmates and colleagues.</p>
<p>I will add that once D had to deal with her own cooking, shopping, and dishes, she cut me a lot more slack on my meals. She even said as much. (And I am not a bad cook.)</p>
<p>On the finance end – does he have some skin in the college game? I don’t think it is unreasonable to require that he earn enough to buy books and pay for personal expenses as well as contributing a tank of gas this summer every week or two if he’s driving.</p>
<p>Buy the kid a car?</p>
<p>It was not a priority for us. Didn’t do it, never regretted it.</p>
<p>Don’t send mixed messages though. If you are going to communicate, “Well we would have bought you a car but you’re such a pain in the neck that we’re not going to do it” you also don’t get to say, “Well we were going to pay for XYZ but we can’t afford it”.</p>
<p>Money is fungible and even an obnoxious teenager knows that. So there are either things you can afford- but choose not to pay for because they are not family priorities-- or there are things that are not in the budget.</p>
<p>Don’t let your teenager manipulate you by catching you up in your own hypocrisy. I was always ready to “own” my inner cheapskate. I am happy to tell my kids even now, “Well we could afford to do X but I don’t want to spend my money that way” and even happier to say “we can’t afford it right now”. But there’s a difference and kids can sniff it out in a nano-second.</p>
<p>"2- If I wasn’t being blamed by the kid for the kid not knowing how to cook. We were told that we don’t know how to cook. "</p>
<p>What is this about? Are you eating everything raw? Or has your kid been watching too many cooking shows and developed a high-falutin’ notion of what is/isn’t edible?</p>
<p>If your kid wants to eat differently than the rest of the family, he/she can buy the necessary groceries and cook for him/herself.</p>
<p>Do you never prepare hot meals at your house? Or is this nonsense?</p>
<p>One technique we used when my oldest was home was to have regular family meetings.
This headed off conflict somewhat & gave everyone a chance to be heard.</p>
<p>I highly recommend [Amazon.com:</a> How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (9780380811960): Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/product-description/0380811960]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/product-description/0380811960)</p>
<p>My problem with contracts, family meetings, etc. is it still puts the burden on mom or dad to police the whole setup. Certainly the badly behaved child is not going to say “Hey, we need to have our family meeting” or “I didn’t gas up the car, so please ground me”. OP has enough trouble as it is. I think a heart to heart is in order. I think a steady summer job is in order.</p>
<p>The day my sons criticize the food they are eating is the day I stop cooking for them. I am not too proud to haul out the ol’ children-starving bit, or the I worked all day, what did you do bit. Being ungrateful isn’t good for you. I have been known to wait until my sons were completely occupied, and then call them in to the kitchen to put their cereal dish in the dishwasher instead of the counter. They learned to do laundry when they turned 12, and have done it ever since. I help them spring and fall clean their room, and never set foot in it otherwise. God created doors so mothers would not go insane.</p>
<p>Does it always work? Heck no. But parents have a right to not feel like beasts of burden. It doesn’t have to be punitive, either – I am always saying come help me with ---- or go get me the ----. OP, you deserve better.</p>
<p>Well yes you need to instill structure like family meetings when they are younger.
Structure lays the foundation, if the foundation is solid, then it will hold through stormy weather.</p>
<p>It’s teen nonsense.
Most of it is teen nonsense power struggles. You react and they learn what gets to you. Not unlike a toddler. Pick your battles. Show them you can breathe and live and love despite what they put you through.</p>
<p>
^^ Yup, I’ve done this. And I am not a bad cook. My kids are just super-picky. My guess about this issue is that your kid senses that you lack confidence in this area, and so (s)he is using it against you. Don’t let it get to you. At 17/18, kids can certainly put together their own meals, if necessary.</p>
<p>I go back and forth with DS, who is going to college this fall. Some days, I think I’m so lucky to have a kid who does not get into ‘trouble.’ Other days, I think he’s a lazy, good-for-nuthin’ spoiled brat. </p>
<p>Then, I remind myself that he is a teenager, with raging hormones and a not-quite-finished forebrain. And, I come here and vent… :)</p>
<p>
I’m not getting the laundry thing. It’s hardly efficient to have D wash a load of 3 red items because she wants her Victoria’s Secret sweatshirt. I try to minimize the number of loads by getting as much in as reasonably possible.</p>
<p>And this past year I was still doing freshman S’s laundry even though he lives in the dorm, mainly as an incentive for his continuing to work his part-time job.</p>
<p>We all do our own laundry. D actually folds mine up for me & puts it in a basket if it was in the dryer, h puts it on top of the dryer in a pile. Even if it wasn’t dry.</p>
<p>DS learned how to do his own laundry (correctly) before he went off to college and was the resident expert in his dorm. Xaniamom, does your kid really bring his laundry home every week or two? That just amazes me.</p>
<p>DD2016 learned to do laundry when she was 9 to earn extra money. I paid her a dollar a load to wash, dry, fold, put away. She lasted a few weeks. Now and then, she will still do it.</p>
<p>EK4: my H is like yours. He does his own because he has a lot, but he puts anything in the dryer back in the basket. Massively wrinkled stuff.</p>
<p>I think you have to distinguish between an “entitlement attitude” and not feed that…and normal teen behavior.</p>
<p>this doesn’t sound like “soiling the nest.” This has gone on too long for that to be the case. This sounds more like entitled/spoiled behavior.</p>
<p>Anything that is evidence of being entitled/spoiled, such as: rudeness/disrespectful behavior, ignoring family rules, refusing to help out, refusing to clean up after himself, expecting purchases of pricey items, etc, needs to be stopped. if that means coming to certain agreements such as: If we are going to pay X towards your college costs, then this is what is require: 1)…2)…3) etc. (Obviously, the expectations have to be reasonable.)</p>
<p>Frankly, you’re doing your child a big favor by insisting on reasonable behavior. Kids who’ve been allowed to be demanding, selfish, and imposing grow up to be unhappy adults.</p>