<p>No suggestions here, just support letting you know we’ve got the mobile gymnasium thing (car filled with sports equipment) going on here too! You are not alone!</p>
<p>We do laundry together when they are home, whoever needs a load done asks if anyone else has stuff to make a full load, so its mutual washing</p>
<p>For me, I know they are teens and have moods and all that dirtying the nest, that doesn’t mean they can be rude, snarly and jerks. I would rather silence. If they came home and slammed a door and were chilly that’s one thing, but speaking rudely or taking out their anger at the world on me wasn’t going to fly…vent sure, but I didnt accept bad attitudes.</p>
<p>If they can be nice or at least decent to everyone else in the world, then they can sure pull it together st home.</p>
<p>I never threatened withholding college or anything, but I did threaten no extras.</p>
<p>I was a brat to my parents when I was a teen. I said things, and did things that I absolutely regret. But I loved my parents and appreciated all that they did for me. Til the day he died, I knew my dad loved me unconditionally, and he knew that I loved him and appreciated all he did, and all he sacrificed, to give me an education.<br>
So when my DS rolls his eyes, ignores his chores, and infuriates me, I remember my own relationship with my parents. And now when my DS comes homes from university, he gives me a big hug, and I know he appreciates all that he has. He even takes out the trash now without asking, and the last time he was home, I came home from work to find that he’d cleaned the whole house.
They get better.</p>
<p>
S usually works a couple nights a week. He comes home, changes, goes to work, comes home, showers, and returns to school. Every couple of weeks, if I can get it done, I’ll text him to bring his laundry. I can usually get 2 loads washed, dried, ironed, hung or folded while he’s at work and return it with him to school. It’s not really a big deal and the money he makes from working more than compensates.</p>
<p>He didn’t ask for that, BTW, but appreciates it nonetheless.</p>
<p>Ladies, you are playing our song! We have an additional added problem with our relationship – Our kids are heavily involved in music which is heavily Asian in our area. Apparently it’s standard practice in Asian families for parents to demand nothing of children beyond “good grades and practicing.” So when we ask for things like laundry folding, lawn mowing and cleaning the kitchen, our son gives us this surly little lecture on how the reason the Asians are going to take over the world is because they aren’t forced to do manual labor and they only concentrate on the stuff that’s really important. It always ends with “So I guess what you’re saying is that you want me to end up working for Philip Chang someday. Is that right?” Absolutely charming! I’m sure there’s a novel in there somewhere, but right now I’m too sad and angry to see any humor in it.</p>
<p>LOL. I take it Phillip Chang is first gen born here. His kids will be playing soccer and mowing the lawn, you can almost put money on it.</p>
<p>Our kids need survival skills, not just “book learning”. That’s why we have them do chores around the house. Happydad is from a culture where kids from his social class were never asked to lift a finger because there always was a paid housekeeper or handyman available. He is perfectly willing to help when asked, but he has to be specifically asked to carry out the trash because he just doesn’t notice it. It’s like living with a cheerful well-behaved teen who has no mechanical skills. Thank heaven Happykid studies Theater Tech and is fearless with power tools or the house would be in shambles.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I wash all my colors together. Everything goes in one load. After washing the red thing by itself once or twice, I’ve never had anything bleed. Quite easy. </p>
<p>I also don’t wear anything white so that makes things easier, too.</p>
<p>OP, your child sounds pretty typical. I was terrible as a young teenager (early middle school) but I matured very quickly due to factors outside of my control. However, you could say that things need to change or else you (parents) will pay for only community college until things change. That’s about the only solution I can think of if you don’t want to pay for an ungrateful child.</p>
<p>^^^^ that’s how I do laundry and also usually don’t wear white</p>
<p>How do you know what your kid is putting in a load of laundry? I showed mine how to do it when they started high school and haven’t seen it since.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Okay, so I’m not the only one whose kid uses Asians as an excuse. LOL. We’re all so PC that we don’t talk about the phenonemon. Since middle school, when I would get on younger D about her grades, she would say “Well I’m not Asian.” It’s kind of fascinating. I guess if a group of students is perpetually at the top of the class, then others start thinking it’s due to being in that group rather than due to working hard?</p>
<p>Am I the only one who is wondering if this OP is for real?</p>
<p>I have a slightly different take on the situation. I am veteran (with two college grades who came home after crashing and burning a bit.)</p>
<p>For me, the most important thing to remember is that negative behavior hurts the child more than the parent. A kid without discipline and structure who is rude is going to crash and burn in life. If the behavior is only to you – not so serious, but if the teacher’s perceive a cocky attitude it might be a problem in college.</p>
<p>I have always remembered that I am not the target; it’s someone else’s problem and I am there to help. I would always want to be my kid’s ally. Sometimes that’s paying for college (even if I wanted to grumble), and sometimes it’s withholding something because enabling behavior would damage the child.</p>
<p>I really don’t care if a kid disrespects me in an angry outburst as long as s/he gets the point I’m trying to make about how kids act vs. how adults act.</p>
<p>It takes longer for some kids to get there than others.</p>
<p>My S was the model child and then got the girlfriend from Hell and had a big dip in responsibility in his soph and junior years in college. He did finish on time with major hits to his GPA. This was painful. Although folks told me to lay off, I didn’t. I visited him at school (a six hour drive) twice a month to let him know someone was watching and someone cared.</p>
<p>He had a rude awakening when the relationship ended and his GPA didn’t really have enough time to rebound. But the tremendous open communication between us really helped, and he got himself into a wonderful grad program in the field of his dreams.</p>
<p>My D dropped out of law school and came home. She’s a messy person. She’s 24, and her mess is everywhere. She will scrub the kitchen floor, but leave four days of purses, shoes, and clothing detritus on couches.</p>
<p>This is not aimed at me. She says she tried to control this but can’t. I’m not sure that’s true, but it’s some weird regression not behavior aimed AT me. Still, I love neat, so it drives me crazy. What to do? I am actually turning my living room into a studio apartment for her. Some would say I am rewarding bad behavior. I feel like I’m getting mess away from me; I have a huge family room to hang out in. She will also be in a masters program.</p>
<p>This generation is facing tough odds in the work world. We have to be their allies, not their adversaries. Training them to be constructive, not self-destructive, cocky and rude, is a vital job, but it takes more time for some kids than we’d like, just as it takes some kids longer to stand on their own two feet than we’d like.</p>
<p>Still, I think it’s the job we signed up for.</p>
<p>And it was priceless and wonderful to watch the House finale last night with both my kids, who are actually my two best friends.</p>
<p>familyof3boys: I loved this comment: “Then, I remind myself that he is a teenager, with raging hormones and a not-quite-finished forebrain.”</p>
<p>Most of the time we are grateful that our biggest parenting issues to date are messiness, needing to be nagged to take out the trash/mow the lawn, and occassional sassiness/disrespect. I think a lot of it is brain development and fouling the nest. I am curious to see how this summer will unfold (first kid back home for summer after happy first year away at school).</p>
<p>Easy to say, but choosing battles, insisting on a reasonable level of respect, and clear consequences are the key. Our kids have been grounded, lost the use of their phones, and the use of the extra car in the past. It reset their behavior at least for a while. We have our “less happy” days, though! </p>
<p>We, also, would not threaten to take away tuition, room, or board (in the bank already after years of saving/frugality), but would threaten all “extras.” We have also made it clear that in our house, they follow our rules (which are amended reasonably to account for age and the fact that D has managed to live at school successfully) and that 18 years old does not equal “independent adult” if we are paying for tuition, room, board, and welcoming her home for all vacations, etc.</p>
<p>I agree we have to sometimes make our expectations crystal clear, re: respect. But, after that, for heaven’s sake, just look at the complaint list; mom’s head is spinning because…
kiddo complains about her cooking, doesn’t study enough, doesn’t take out the garbage or empty the d/w unless she gets mad, leaves dishes around, wants things, does a bit of Eddie Haskell when he wants something, doesn’t fill the tank, leaves things in the car, doesn’t seem grateful about college.</p>
<p>This could be defined as “normal” teen behavior or not, it depends upon what your expectations are and what you are wiling to accept. Regardless of what may or may not have happened in the past, your starting point is today. I’d have a sit down with the spouse and child immediately and come to an understanding.</p>
<p>The spring of senior year can bring about many different feelings in your child and even in you as a parent as both begin to face the reality of going away to college, becoming an adult, and the looming financial commitments of college.</p>
<p>Regardless of what has happened in the past or is happening in the present, it isn’t too late to turn things around. I won’t tell you it will be easy. Teens tend to be naive about their coming independence and think it is going to be a chance to make all of their own choices. As adults, we know that isn’t the case. You may even find out your child’s actions are out of apprehension of the unknowns in his very near future and this is his way of dealing with it. </p>
<p>Take this opportunity to make him responsible for doing his own laundry which he’ll have to do later. Perhaps you could include him in some kitchen time so he discovers it isn’t so easy to prepare a meal everyone likes. These skills are important. Have him take responsibility for all of the things he’ll need to know when he arrives on campus. His roommates will appreciate the time you took to train him! </p>
<p>I would recommend sitting down and coming up with a list of expectations and shared responsibilities with which you are happy and restores balance in your home. Next, you could make your expectations clear about your financial contributions and how they are tied to certain expectations along the way. Children shouldn’t be under the impression that respect and responsibility go out the window when they leave for college. You can do this. It won’t necessarily be pleasant or easy, but what part of parenting is? Best of luck to you and your family in adjusting to this new stage in your lives.</p>
<p>The last few weeks have been tense around here with S. Too much to do, not enough time, and too many demands on all of us. My H and I have been really careful to try not to put more unrealistic expectations, or be too picky about certian things, like cleaning his room. But we did tell him that the room gets a deep clean as soon as things settle down. There have been words, and frustration all around. </p>
<p>He left yesterday morning to take his last test of HS. It was a high stakes test for a number of different reasons, much more so than any other test he has taken. He has studied hard, and he was nervous. He left the house before the test, then came back in just to give me a hug and tell me he loved me before he left. Because HE needed it. It almost made me cry! </p>
<p>Today, back to the high strung kid, a little smart a$$ at times, and too many balls in the air. I will hold on to yesterdays hug for awhile! And I am sure the clean the room argument is around the corner!</p>
<p>^^Sometimes as parents (or spouses) we do have to make allowances for stressful situations and they will likely pass as this will likely do with your son. You have been wise to realize this. I’d let him know that I realized this is a demanding time and I was willing to cut him some slack until he reaches the other side. I think the fact that he returned to give you a hug shows that he already realizes your sacrifices and is acknowledging them. It really is very sweet and shows he loves and respects you.</p>
<p>Sometimes as parents we also have to provide a swift kick in the pants to let our kids know who is still in charge. If the OP’s situation is one that warrants a sit down discussion to come to an understanding, it is best to do so in plenty of time to let it soak in over the summer. It can be difficult in the best of situations when your child leaves for school and again when they return home. There are adjustments to be made on both sides.
It can get better with some work.</p>
<p>momof3greatgirls
I would guess we are very firm when it comes to expectations and grades. This year didn’t go like past years in terms of expectations. The college search was very stressful.
When it comes to chores we are not firm.</p>
<p>Deborah T<br>
You are reminding me of
some things that I thought were so great at that age and
I can’t believe some of them now.</p>
<p>Walker1194
I have met other people who have kids where I say to myself
I can’t believe they let their kids treat them like that.<br>
I really have seen worse.</p>
<p>I believe the part that makes me angry is when I keep hearing the
same things about how bad it is. </p>
<p>MizzBee
I’ve got a lasting grin reading about Joy of Cooking.</p>
<p>I have gotten positive feedback many and also from the those who take the time to understand “tk” some even saying how really great kid he/she is.</p>
<p>Meanwhile today I get the nice angel kid and I do appreciate this.</p>
<p>We aren’t on a power trip by any means.
If anything we are guilty of being too lenient. I’d say we are in the middle
but closer to the lenient side.</p>
<p>Last night when he/she asked for the car. Spouse said yes.
I said it’s still dirty from the last time. So spouse knew that
I had been repeatedly asking for the car to be cleaned.<br>
Response from “tk” was my things are picked up in there.
I said I’ve never cleaned up other people’s things before. Then
spouse caught on and explained it in more direct terms.<br>
You can take the car if you clean it up. “tk” apparently made the
choice to not take the car. Although there it still sits not too clean
either.</p>
<p>Thank you all for being supportive. I believe venting and advice is
exactly what I am looking for. I am a pretty private person so this
sharing this can be hard to do.</p>
<p>I like this
“there are either things you can afford- but choose not to pay for because they are not family priorities-- or there are things that are not in the budget.”</p>
<p>I am afraid to make “tk” pay for things during the school year because it will take away from time needed to study. Summertime is another story.</p>
<p>happymomof1
We eat much like the typical American family does.
Hamburgers, spaghetti, chicken, Mexican foods, salads and then some.
Not sure where the high falutin’ part is from.</p>
<p>You won’t believe the other thing that came up last night.
Perfect timing.
“tk” came in and when asked for the car also wanted a certain
kind of Chinese food. Spouse said yes if you buy it yourself.
I said go to the grocery buy the ingredients and make it yourself.
“tk” didn’t eat Chinese food last night.</p>
<p>What greenbutton said.
I find things like that exhausting I feel like I have to be on guard
at all times. Believe me I did stop cooking.</p>
<p>mom2collegekids
agreeing with this too and it is a concern that I have
I have said how will someone be happy if this is how they see the world.
“Frankly, you’re doing your child a big favor by insisting on reasonable behavior. Kids who’ve been allowed to be demanding, selfish, and imposing grow up to be unhappy adults.”</p>
<p>Thanks again to everyone for all the great support.
This is very therapeutic for me.</p>
<p>agreed with Seahorsesrock
“but speaking rudely or taking out their anger at the world on me wasn’t going to fly…vent sure,”</p>
<p>Sometimes “tk” is very sorry for being a ***** and other times not.</p>
<p>I hope that “tk” doesn’t read the part about Phillip Chang and use it for ammo. : )</p>
<p>I’m not the kind of person who wants “tk” to fall flat on his/her face when entering the world. I know for myself there were some things that I had to learn from someone other than my parents. Since I wasn’t going to listen to them. And when “tk” does certain behaviors I think this is hopefully going to be taught by some one wiser than “tk”.</p>
<p>“tk” did do laundry in 6th grade.</p>
<p>thumper1
you are the 2nd one on her to say that.
What about it?</p>
<p>mythmom
I also agree
the behavior will sometimes remind me a an insecure person.
We may need to get to the bottom of that.
Also true here “It takes longer for some kids to get there than others.”</p>
<p>nice! "And it was priceless and wonderful to watch the House finale last night with both my kids, who are actually my two best friends. "</p>
<p>I second this:
“familyof3boys: I loved this comment: “Then, I remind myself that he is a teenager, with raging hormones and a not-quite-finished forebrain.””</p>
<p>This also reminds me of the times that I’ve said to my spouse
"didn’t your parents teach you anything about … I guess this is
some sort of payback time. : )</p>
<p>vlines
I think what mistake we may have made is already being in that holding
pattern. Since it has been stressful. This turned in to less expectations turning into hardly any at expectations at all.</p>
<p>bamagirls
I will let “tk” know that it was a tough time and that it was temporary and now we need to get back on track.</p>
<p>TK- I can tell you have never gone to marriage counseling!</p>
<p>I’m about to save you $100 on your first session…</p>
<p>They teach you NOT to communicate in either a passive aggressive way, or in a way that is so opaque that your partner understand. So when your son asks for the car, the answer is not, “But it’s still dirty from last time” because that allows him to say, “it’s not my mess” (whether true or untrue.) Your answer can be “No, you may not have the car” period full stop. Or it can be, “Dad and I have agreed on new house rules that apply to everyone in the family. When you use the car you must return it with at least half a tank of gas and all the trash or wrappers inside thrown out. If you wish to use the car and plan to comply with the new house rules then yes, you may use the car.”</p>
<p>Then you’ve made it clear- the rules apply to everyone (i.e. you’re not on some power trip saying “my money my rules”); the fact that the car RIGHT NOW is a mess isn’t important (again, the blame game, whose mess, whose wrappers) all that’s important is that when the car gets returned it be clean, etc.</p>
<p>You may find that if you alter the tone of your communications with TK a lot of the stress goes away. If TK were trying to borrow something from a friend and the friend said, “You can borrow it if you return it in XYZ condition” your kid wouldn’t argue the point- seems reasonable, no? So be reasonable (with better results) by not getting into a dialogue a hundred times a day. Just state the rules. Everyone observes the rules. That’s what it takes to live under one roof.</p>