@gearmom thank you for the advice. I will give it a look
I don’t have much to add to all the advice here but just wanted to say that @soontobecolleger you sound like an amazing person and I wish you all the best.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself and remember that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. You seem to love helping others - the better shape you’re in, the more you can do. At the same time, any failure to do the perfect job with helping is okay too. All that anyone should expect is that you try your best, and you are absolutely doing that.
My best friend deals with fluctuating anxiety (general and social) not nearly at your scope, but I’ve seen enough to know that simply reasoning through it doesn’t always work, but in the off chance any of this helps, I just want to make sure you know. Again, how great of a person you are truly shines through in your posts. There’s been a ton of great advice in this thread and you’re already doing a lot right. I hope you feel better soon 
I can’t say it more clearly than this: you need to see a doctor right away. Your issues are not healthy and, in my opinion, possibly need to be addressed medically. That might mean antidepressants or something else. Look at a checklist for symptoms of depression, and I think you might find that you have many of them. Depression and anxiety are closely related.
@soontobecolleger, If you are vegetarian and not taking vitamins, you should run, not walk, to get and take a high-quality B-12 vitamin. This is absolutely critical. You should also have your B-12 blood level checked. B-12 is the one vitamin that CANNOT be found in non-meat sources and a deficiency of it has a dire affect on mood, memory, mental functioning in general, the health of your heart, and probably every cell of your body.
I found out the hard way (but could have been much, much worse) a few years ago. I am practically vegan (allergic to milk, eggs, poultry, and choose not to eat red meat) with the exception of occasional fish in my diet. I knew about B-12 but assumed the fish was enough. It wasn’t. A few years ago over a period of months (probably a gradual decline of years) I started waking so depleted and depressed I felt at death’s door. I went to an integrative medicine specialist, who checked more things than any physician ever had in my life (highly recommended, BTW.) She found that my B-12 blood level (normally measured in the thousands) was in double-digits. I literally was at death’s door and she said I could have had a heart attack at any time. I was immediately given two injections of B-12, the situation was that dire. I can tell you, within minutes I felt different. Within the hour, driving home, I was laughing to myself, singing to the CD player in the car. Euphoria, compared to my previous state. Now, I certainly don’t feel euphoria every day, but I do take my B-12 religiously, and I feel it (on a day to day basis) if I forget.
I order my high-quality B-12 at Kirkman Labs (recommended by my physician.)
You certainly have a lot going on in your life, and you may, indeed need iron and/or benefit from medications, but B-12 is critical for brain functioning (for everyone) so please don’t ignore this!
My heart goes out to you @soontobecolleger.
I agree that your diet could be contributing to what’s going on. If you can find a good naturopathic doctor, they can give you a b-12 shot in their office which can help a lot with your energy levels and help you feel better overall. You certainly could have some vitamin/mineral deficiencies or a undiagnosed food allergy. They can also do an extensive blood panel to see you are lacking in any other vitamins or minerals.
I’m not implying these are quick fixes but your diet, especially at times like this, can have a very strong impact on ones mood and overall health. (Craving chocolate is one sign of a magnesium deficiency as well as b vitamin deficiency.)
Also gluten/wheat sensitivity symptoms are anxiety, depression, moodiness, bloating, headache, nauseas, etc. as a vegetarian, you could be consuming too many wheat products for your system. Same goes for dairy intolerance too. An intolerance is different from an allergy in that you may not break out in hives, or suffer from antiphelatic shock (like peanut allergy) but you can experience multi-symptom suffering which look like one thing but are actually something quiet different. I’m not a doctor, just an experienced mom who watched my D suffer for years with undiagnosed food intolerances, once we cleared the culprits from her diet she felt much better.
I’m also not suggesting this in place of your therapy, or seeing your regular physician, just as an additional idea that could be helpful as you sort out the rest. Losing your Dad is a huge event in your life. Your feelings of sadness regarding this big loss are very normal. I lost my a Dad 3 years ago, and I still have days where I cry I miss him so much. Please talk to your mom. She will want to help support you, so give her that chance. You are brave and so so strong to try to get thru this on your own, but let her help too.
Hi soontobecolleger,
A complete medical work up with your medical doctor is really important. He/she could do blood work to ascertain your vitamin levels, and could also prescribe anti-depressants to get you over the hump while you continue working with your therapist.
We’re all thinking of you and wishing you the best.
@soontobecolleger You need to go on Operation Healthcare. I agree with your mother. Quit the job. First things first. As @inthegarden said, go to an Integrative Medicine Specialist. You need an extensive evaluation. You need to also be working with a nutritionist after that to plan with you to have the best diet. And add in stress relieving physical heath exercises. Also have allergies checked as @Mimi2018 suggested. You need to a really extensive evaluation. It’s a red flag to me that you are a vegetarian (especially female) not taking vitamins. That is suggesting that you might not be carefully planning your diet or have worked with a nutritionist in the past. B12, iron, magnesium. So much can affect your health.
I might wait to change therapists until after your complete evaluation.
I’m going to make an appointment for blood work because that’s something I should’ve done years ago. I don’t think it will help with my emotional problems but it’s prolly a good idea anyway.
I have pretty strong beliefs about medication so if my therapist recommends something then I might try but that’s not something I’m going to bring up any time soon.
I’m prolly gonna ask for some alone time with my mom when she’s here to talk.
@soontobecolleger I never really believed in how important vitamins were either. Until I worked with a family whose 60 year old dad was in a nursing home with dementia because of a long-standing vitamin B deficiency! Or with another family where one of the kids can’t walk or talk because the kid’s body can’t process a certain vitamin. It is truly shocking. I’m not saying that fixing your vitamins and nutrition will cure you, I really don’t know. But I am saying that it is really, really surprising what a tremendous impact deficiencies have on your body. And fixing any deficiencies isn’t going to be putting fake stuff into your body.
About the medication, I hear what you are saying about not wanting to go on it. For some people, though, they really do have a deficiency that can’t be fixed without the medicine and need to be on it for the rest of their lives. If they try going off, their quality of life tanks. Who wants that? It’s just like a diabetic - some can manage just with diet changes, some need insulin. For depression many people can take just a short-term prescription to get them over the hump. And for some others going to a therapist is sufficient. Who knows what category you are in? It’s just that you are suffering so much now, a multi-pronged attack might be best to lift you up. Once you are up, you can look and see what you need to continue with going forward.
I’m glad you’re getting your mom involved. Hugs to you.
@melvin123 i am not opposed at all to the vitamins actually and will definitely take something if the blood work shows I need it. My comment was in response to the talk about anti-depressants. Sorry for the confusion!
@soontobecolleger I really think you are going to be surprised how the potential/likely vitamin and mineral deficiencies are affecting your emotional well being. As you get older and you go through more stuff, you become more aware of imbalances. Clearly you might need a comprehensive plan. I’d start with the blood work though. How are you getting your B12, magnesium and iron? And I’m not saying this is you but in case other girls are reading, eating disorders greatly affect your health with things like your magnesium levels.
@gearmom i used to eat fish every day but the fish in the dining halls is nasty so I don’t touch it. And no eating disorder
@soontobecolleger, I can tell alot of us are rooting for you and will be eager to hear updates. I’m so glad you’re taking steps to evaluate the medical end. If a deficiency/allergy or imbalance is found you may be amazed how much that affects your emotional health. The brain is a physical organ, after all, and is affected by all other body systems (that is the premise of integrative health, I believe.) The old idea of treating each organ/part as if its functions are mostly compartmentalized and don’t much effect the whole is, I believe dying out. The tidy old way is easier for those practitioners and insurance companies who don’t want to deal with anything complex, but I think the growing evidence is that everything is connected. Try to find a physician who is classically trained (i.e. medical school, the whole shebang) but who also approached medicine with an integrative/holistic approach.
BTW, I just remembered…I think one of the functions of B-12 is to allow the body to absorb iron. So, if you have a B-12 deficiency, (likely for a vegetarian not taking vitamins) you may well have an iron deficiency, even if you eat a lot of iron-rich foods. I think it is the same thing, in effect, as pernicious anemia (when the body does not have the ability to absorb iron even if it is plentiful in the diet.) People used to die of pernicious anemia before the root cause (and cure) was found.
RE medications, I am with you to be cautious and I do think it is often given too readily as a panacea before underlying medical causes are discovered. But some people’s bodies really are lacking in the ability to produce enough serotonin (or whatever) to be able to function well. (I think chocolate has it or helps the body to make it…may underly some of your chocolate craving!) Lessening anxiety/depression etc. is not a just matter of willpower and being affected by it is not a description of your character. Just as a diabetic may need insulin (and it’s no moral failing to take it) you may need medication for your brain, short-term or long-term. I highly respect your desire to look at all the contributing factors, but please don’t deprive yourself of what you need to live a happy life. I can tell that you have so much good to contribute to yourself and the world …living in anxiety, sadness and misery won’t allow you to shine. I know your mom must need you to be happy too.
So you were a pescetarian. I’m glad to hear that you were eating fish. Something has got to fill that void. Still I think that is your starting point. A comprehensive physical exam, nutrition, stress reducing exercise. You do that and you know, your body has everything it needs. Then you move on to the possibility of other chemical adjustments.
@gearmom i am a pescetarian currently. I just don’t eat much fish cuz it would cost extra and I mostly just eat dining hall food for financial reasons.
@soontobecolleger no problem… I mistakenly thought that you didn’t think a vitamin deficiency could really impact you that much. I hear you about not wanting to be on medicine. But some people really need it, and others don’t. Just like my diabetes example. I’m just asking that you keep an open mind to everything. As an analogy, a family member of mine suffers from anxiety and doesn’t take his medicine because he doesn’t like putting foreign things into his body. But it’s really sad because his quality of life is so very much better when he’s on it. But I also know other people who manage their anxiety well with exercise, meditation, diet and some management techniques they learned in therapy. So it really depends on the chemistry going on in the individual’s body. And if you don’t want to be on medicine, it really is your choice.
@soontobecolleger Have a conversation with your mom about this. If I was your mother, I’d make sacrifices to get you the fish you need. In general, I’m frugal but I do think you need quality fish in your diet. I would pay for it as a parent. We live near the ocean. Nothing worse than nasty fish.
Have you felt worse since going to college?
^ Yes, and if your general mood and energy deteriorated after you stopped eating the fish, that may be pointing toward the deficiency.
Normally, I am extremely cautious about giving any specific directives, especially of a medical nature, as I am NOT a physician, but if it is going to take a number of days or weeks to get your bloodwork done, I really think it cannot hurt you to take a normal dose of an oral B-12 vitamin TODAY. If you don’t need it, it won’t hurt you. If you need it, you will not get better without it (no matter how much therapy or comforting from your boyfriend or mother you receive.) I do feel very confident to say that if you really do not have any current animal sources of food (and it has been awhile since you ate the fish) you ARE deficient. I was eating fish almost once per week (and sometimes more) and I had an extreme deficiency. All vegetarians must take it to remain healthy. Irritability, depression exhaustion, confusion ARE the common symptoms of B-12 deficiency (please confirm for yourself by looking it up on medical websites online!) There may be other things going on in your body as well…it may not be the whole answer, but taking a vitamin could begin giving you some relief in the meantime. College demands are stressful, and during times of stress your body needs even more of the whole spectrum of B vitamins.
Sardines are a B12 superfood. Inexpensive at Walmart or you could Amazon Prime them to yourself. I would try them even if they are not your favorite as a great natural source.