The reason I titled the thread “Frat Disaster” was because my son was so devastated about being rejected by two frats and publicly humiliated at a party. We were initially dealing with that aspect of things as he was emotionally reeling from the events of last week. In a way it felt like it came out of the blue, because all of the drama with the ex-girlfriend happened last semester, months ago, and even though the group of eleven was still bullying him by disparaging him on social media and excluding him from their friend group, he was attempting to ignore them and make new friends. We thought that the worst had passed and that he was moving on to new things. That is why he rushed with the frats. So for the girls to come storming back into his life in such an invasive and calculated way was a shock to all of us. At first it felt like a disaster with the frats because he really liked all the guys and was very much looking forward to being friends with them. Now I can see that the disaster spans both semesters and goes much deeper than the rejection and humiliation that happened with the frats.
No need to explain. The point is that consulting a defense attorney may be a good proactive step for both you and your son to take right now. Whether you are convinced this girl is blowing things out of proportion or not.
I hear that. If we get any indication at all that this is not over now, I think we would have to do that. I’m just hoping that the girls won’t go any further with it.
Hugs to you. I hope this doesn’t go any further.
Thanks <3
If she publicly accused him of assault as recently as a week ago you need to consult an attorney now so you’re prepared in case it does go further. If Title IX charges are filed you want to be ready. Does he have proof of the stalking and harassment? If I were you I’d start making a paper trail. And he absolutely needs to quit discussing this at school. What seems like an innocent meeting with a school counselor or advisor to “clear the air” or whatever will be evidence that can be used against him.
You may want to do a Google search for false Title IX accusations so you understand how serious a problem this is. A campus of 30,000 may seem large, but Columbia is about that size and Mattress Girl made sure everyone knew who she (and the young man who was cleared of assaulting her) were (even after he was cleared).
Has your son changed his cell number? He should do that right away and keep it private. He should also avoid everyone who knows his ex. Is he involved in other campus activities? I’d encourage him to join clubs and get a job. I think frats and underage drinking are the last thing he needs.
Stop all replies and communication with any of these girls. Period. Done.
And as others have said, get an attorney. I know, the expense. But, this is his life, and it could follow him.
Not to mention that having the proper information about recourse and a plan in case things go South is worth it. This situation has already escalated beyond the point, I’d feel comfortable with. As my spouse says, things can always get worse. Of course in 2020, we stopped saying that.
It’s important to remember that if this conflict is escalated it will most likely end up in the University’s system and not the legal system. The two are not the same.
I woud do almost everything in my power to keep one of my kids out of the university system because it is rarely transparent or fair. For example you will most likely not get to hear what the otherside says or provide a rebuttal.
Tell him he needs to be friends with people outside of the Greek system, period, if he wants to stay at this college. Frats and sororities all mix, this could follow him everywhere.
In addition, this all started with alcohol and continued with an underage drinking party during a pandemic. So basically, doubling down on the stupid behavior even after a clear sign getting drunk was not a good idea. (Yes, many freshmen get drunk, but figuring out how/when/with whom/where matters, and in his case, he should have heeded the warning that alcohol led to problems.)
So, if he wants to stay at this college, no frats, period.
There are lots of clubs and groups at his college, surely?
Now, the problem isn’t the yelling match. There were, I assume, no witnesses. Who knows what happened? Keep in mind that regardless of how gentle your son is, you’ve never seen him drunk and angry. So, he may reasonably have been scary.
HOWEVER the issue is not the shouting match. It was a mistake and hopefully he learned from it (don’t get drunk with an ex 
) But here, both can be blamed. So, don’t focus on that.
The issue is the stalking on social media and on campus. There, there’s only ONE culprit: the girl (and her band).
He needs to document every contact, every message, and safeguard them, plus any time they showed up at a place where he was. The fact he had to leave his dorm and roommate (?) because they made his life so unpleasant.
This matters because the stalking isn’t two-sided. It cannot be “he said/she said”. Often, there are witnesses. Your son’s actions to distance himself from the girl and her friends are obvious (and he must absolutely stop any communication with anyone in that group or friends with them - but record/save everything they send. It may require quick action on Snapchat for instance.) He can also informally write down the names of people who were present when the stalking happened.
Just keep track of everything.
And he should NOT meet one-on-one with any of them, or with a Dean or anyone. If it cannot be avoided, he should come with his attorney and evidence of the stalking.
What’s the girl’s major? Any chance they’d be in the same classes?
This may stop.
But bullies rarely stop on their own, so you need to be ready.
Adding to this, even if this type of situation does not get escalated in the legal system, it is still a good idea to consult a defense attorney, who can advise on how to handle any situation with the university, as well. The young man needs to avoid any type of communications with anyone about this incident without his attorney present.
Reading this makes me think he should transfer if it’s remotely affordable. Many schools are looking for students right now, maybe not as prestigious as where your son is but decent schools reach out to my freshman unsolicited fairly frequently.
This sounds like a heavy psychological cloud to live under for his remaining college years.
Yep. Most large universities have a local attorney with a lot of experience with this type of thing.
@CaliMom5 I’m sorry for all the stress this situation has caused you and yes, it is a disaster on so many levels. It sounds like your son’s relationship with this young woman was volatile from the start and it is inevitable it wasn’t going to end well. But the truth is, no one knows what really happened that night or what either of them said. And while her behavior and recruitment of her posse after that night is deeply disturbing, be verrrry careful about referring to her as mentally unstable. And be sure you S isn’t doing that either.
I do think consulting a professional to know what his rights are NOW is a smart move. If he did nothing wrong then what is the hesitation? Right now you’re looking over your shoulder wondering if the situation has died down, or if it will rear its ugly head again. That has to feel awful! I hope he will avoid all contact of any kind with every single one of them. And maybe think about the reason he is at college in the first place. The priority seems to be less about his education and more about his ability to pledge another fraternity next year. It might not end well.
I didn’t read the whole thread, and I hate when people give that disclaimer and post sometimes redundant or irrelevant info. But I did have a couple thoughts I wanted to share. Fee free to ignore if I am off topic or repeating.
The issue with 2 shots at a fraternity only applies if he activated, which he would not have done in only a few days. Even then there are exceptions. So putting aside whether it is a good idea (a separate question) he still has all of his options on the table.
My guess is the fraternity is just being risk adverse. They aren’t really invested in your son yet, so why take the chance of being the lead story in the school paper? If it is like most campuses, any time someone in the greek system is accused of anything, that is the lead story.
Part of me wants to go after these girls, but this is what makes me leery. If it gets escalated, she may make an accusation of sexual assault or physical assault. And if that happens, true or not, your son is done at that school and may struggle to find another willing to take him. Even if he does, with social media you can be confident that within a couple of weeks kids at the new college will know about the allegations at the old one.
We saw a kid get his life destroyed that way. Very much a he said/she said situation. One of my boys knows most of the people involved on both sides. His take was that the boy can be kind of an arrogant jerk, but even several of the girl’s friends who hated the boy thought she was making things up because of a bad breakup. He got kicked off of his athletic team immediately and either kicked out of school or withdrew. His life was on hold for a year or 2, and ultimately I think he ended up pleading guilty to something more along the lines of “disturbing the peace” or some other BS thing where the prosecutor gets to check the win box, but it usually means they can’t prove anything substantive.
I don’t want to get into the weeds of whether false acusations are rare, etc. I have a lot of details about this particular instance, including ones that weren’t public. I feel pretty confident that the guy is a jerk but not a rapist. I think the prosecutor felt the same. But they pretty much destroyed his life over this. His family is deeply involved in this community, but I don’t think he will ever be able to live here without a cloud over his head. And the girl’s mom works in the prosecutor’s office, so if I were him I would be afraid to jaywalk too.
The short version of that is that whether your son is right or wrong, the system is set up to convict him, at a minimum in the school and community’s eyes, upon acusation. It is crappy and unfair, but he may be better off to just transfer and try to start over. I’m sorry I’m a downer on this, but this is the kind of thing that terrifies me worrying about my boys. All it takes is an acusation.
Actually, the system isn’t set up to convict him - witness how few sexual assault charges are pressed and how even fewer lead to a conviction.
And that’s precisely why the “reputation” system became so widespread: since not much could be expected from the justice system, this parallel system took over - and, like all parallel systems, it is neither fair not accurate and can lead to gross miscarriages of justice. (In my opinion, the only way to correct this is to ensure all rape kits are tested immediately with the backlog taken care of, that the police are trained even if they’re not in a big city with a special unit, a better legal system, etc.)
The university won’t care about the boy or the girl - only about their reputation.
The issue to focus on is the stalking, not the earlier he said/she said. There’s no ambiguity in who stalked whom.
This is what is so chilling about cancel culture on college campuses. What has happened here is that the girl made an accusation against your son in the public forum, so now the court of public opinion has decided against your son. And while assault should always e taken seriously, it should be investigated first. This did not happen here.
He needs to go to the school, perhaps the first year dean, and lay out what has happened. Yes, it will be painful for him, but the girl needs to be called to account for her actions. If she is truly a victim, this is not the way to handle it. If she is not, then she needs to be disciplined for what she has done.
There is something very wrong with making an accusation publicly and destroying a person’s reputation and well-being without taking it before a neutral third party for investigation.
Once again, my thoughts are to lay low & not stir the pot as we do not know the details of anything.
Probably a bad time (covid-19 pandemic) to consider a study abroad option, but worthy of thought.