Freshman daughter not adjusting well to school

Parents Forum
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<p>Buckeyemom: As Jamimom mentioned, my D transfered several years ago, after her freshman year. She was in an honors program in a state U (not ours). Her issues were somewhat similar to yours--troubling meeting likeminded people, not a frat-party type when everyone else seemed to be, roommate issues. Her roomate problem was the opposite of yours--a lot of drinking, some sexiling. Roomie was from the town and bf lived nearby. D also felt out of step academically--no one seemed to be engaged in academics for their own sake. But the social stuff was the big thing.</p>

<p>We had a lot of teary, three-hour phone talks--I'm sure you know exactly the type. She was very averse to transfering; if she could have stuck it out, she would. One thing I emphasized, which she agreed with, was not to make decisions which might hurt her future choices. So she stayedthrough the year and kept her grades up. In January, she got an email from the one friend sh'ed made there, telling her she was transfering (didn't finish the spring semester, as it turned out.) That did it. Suddenly, D realized transfering was possible, not the end of the world. She spent the rest of break researching, and realized she might be happier at a small, more activist, quirky school. We also researched which schools were transfer friendly. She still had not made the decision to leave, in fact had been invited to go to a program to Ecuador the next winter, and started the application process for that. Howver, as the spring semester went on, she got more and more miserable--wanted to come home a lot (from 2 hours away). She applied to Oberlin, Wesleyan, and Tufts. I helped her with logistics, but she did the apps herself. I accompanied her on visits to the first two (had already seen T). She almost decided to stay, (she hates change) but when the acceptances came--she jumped on the Wes one.</p>

<p>Even that summer, she was not sure she had made the right decision--she'd gotten so sour on the experience of college in general. On the way to Wes in August, when I asked her why she was so apprehensive, she said "you can change dentists, but you're still going to the dentist". Aagh. We had given up big merit money for this new dentist!!! But a week after she got there, she had found her home--ws like a different person. Best decision she ever made.</p>

<p>If I can draw one lesson from this for you, it's that she should find the place she'd really be happy at, rather than what's nearest to home. Also, keep grades up, so they can be a ticket to other choices.</p>

<p>And try to stay sane while being supportive---I know, it's hard. I think she's lucky to have you.</p>

<p>Best wishes, Garland</p>

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<p>Well, I sent the email to the RA already-so there is no turning back. I just ask her to stop by and talk to D to know that everytime she ask how D is doing "ok" does mean she must be doing fine then. Im not expecting the RA to become her new friend and pal. I would just like the RA to know that my D is not "ok" and maybe one student to another she can suggest some specific things, places or people D can talk to. D is attending an event today--so maybe the talk I had with her last night did some good! If only a little bit, you have to crawl before you can walk and I take crawling anyday. As I stated early, Im going to be there to support whatever decision she makes--that's the life she has to live and I understand she is an adult to must make decisions for herself-but we all need help sometime. Trust me, she knows the limitations we have financially to assist her in the decision she makes--so she can crunch number pretty darn well! She is just find her way, slowly and I always be there (for as long as the good Lord is willing) for her come hell or high water.</p>

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<p>E-mailing the RA is the right thing now - staying, doing well and being happy is the first choice - getting someone on the ground involved is the first step.</p>

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<p>buckeyemom, I really feel for you. A couple of weeks ago I was discussing college days with a friend who attended Villanova. She said she hated Villanova at first. No friends, a new place, everything strange. She called her parents in tears for a couple of weeks, begging to come home. Her parents, who lived a couple of hours away, refused to let her come home. Instead, they showed up one day each weekend with a map. They took her to nearby and on-campus restaurants, fast food places, shopping. The first time they stayed half a day, the next time several hours, etc. They absolutely refused to let her come home. At the end of 5 months, my friend felt totally familiar with places she'd never have ventured to on her own, plus she learned to feel more connected with the campus. Not going home forced her to feel that she had "gone away" to college, not just visiting college in between trips "home". She had no choice but to make it work, so she did. Suffice it to say that how, some years later she loves Villanova more than you can imagine.</p>

<p>This "cold turkey" approach wouldn't work with everyone, but it's at least another suggestion for you to consider.</p>

<p>Clearly depression is the biggest fear. That is without question the single biggest concern to deal with. After that it's the tough (but livable) decision of trying to figure out whether your daughter needs to become familiar with the school and learn to make friends, or whether it's just not a good fit. Colleges can be like boyfriends - you a) learn to change yourself to deal with their quirks so long as the boyfriend is worth it, or b) you learn to just put up with their quirks without changing yourself; or c) you dump them! Your daughter should not feel bad about following a, b, or c.</p>

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<p>BuckeyeMom,</p>

<hr>

<p>Some info from OSU website----
Success Series Sign-Up
<a href="https://admissions.osu.edu/fye/success.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;https://admissions.osu.edu/fye/success.html&lt;/a>
Winter 2005 Success Series Week One</p>

<p>Thursday 1/20/05
How to Get Involved at Ohio State (LD)
Speaker: Kristy Brischke and Renata Opoczynski, Student Activities
Seating Capacity: 15
9:00 AM
Duration: 50 minutes
Board Room, 3rd floor, Ohio Union</p>

<hr>

<p>Speaking as an alum with a S who is attending while a senior in high school, I admit that OSU is quite large. It has become "small" to my S as he has taken courses in 1 area for 2 quarters and has gotten to know students and teachers by sticking around after class, going to lunch with a group from class, that kind of thing.</p>

<p>There is always something going on there, whether it's the OSU/Iowa game tomorrow, the OSU/UM Hockey game Jan 21/22 (BIG DEAL), Wexner Center Activities, Plays...maybe SHE could be the one to pick an event and through the RA maybe help organize getting the event rolling for her floor. Maybe she could help plan a Valentine's Day secret pal type thing. They could go to the climbing wall that's located over toward west campus.</p>

<p>Could your D hang more in the study lounge than in her room? My S suggested maybe if she could get to know the most friendly person on her floor, then it would be so easy to meet other people. Is she in the honor's dorm/college? Michele Brown has helped us (counselor) with post secondary option stuff and I believe she helps with first year experience kids as well. She is wonderful and might have specific ideas for your D beyond the dorm...activities she could help with to meet other freshmen.</p>

<p>For what it's worth...our suggestions. I LOVED and LOVE OSU. </p>

<p>Good luck and let me know if there is more I can help with..really!</p>

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<p>thank you I will pass this information to her RIGHT NOW!! I will keep you informed the valentine's day thing sounds really cool!</p>

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<p>best of luck......just thought of something about the hockey game coming up. Student tickets cost either $3 or $6 and the following info shows up when I ordered tix for myself tonight:</p>

<p>GROUP PRICING AVAILABLE FOR 20 OR MORE TICKETS OVER THE PHONE OR IN PERSON ONLY PRIOR TO THE DAY OF GAME. STUDENT TICKET PRICES ARE FOR OHIO STATE STUDENTS AND CHILDREN UNDER AGE 18.</p>

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<p>You know what--finally figured it out--my D is anti-social!!!!! I suggested the valentine secret pal idea--not interested--I get it she thinks because she was the #1 in high school people should just flock to her and ask to be her friend--even though she was not the most popular person in school. I was so fustrated with talking to her tonight on the internet I just signed off from her--she will be calling soon and I really dont feel like talking to her right now!!</p>

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<p>buckeyemom,</p>

<p>I understand, believe me. They can be so frustrating!!</p>

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<p>"O, she could talk to someone if she would TALK TO SOMEONE! I have suggested talking to her RA about how she feels, her advisor, she is just to shy to do it. I dont feel like I am letting her find her way if I talk to them for her and Im not going too. Ive given the your not #1 in your graduating class speech, I given the well come back home and get a job speech, I given the suck it up speech, I given the write how you feel in your journal speech, the find something in common with your suitemate speech, say hello to everyone you come in contact with speech. Ive been reading over similar posts with the same situation and they say just finish out this year and see what happens. I would at least like for her to do that. "</p>

<p>Sounds like me sometimes. I only talk to people as long as I have to and then if I never see them again it certainly doesn't break my heart. I also feel that I am closer to adults.</p>

<p>Does she have friends at home that she talks to on the phone/e-mail??</p>

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<p>she occasionally talks with her friends that have gone to schools together and they tell her about all the parties they go too what boys they are messing around with and stuff like that so you can imagine what comes from those conversations</p>

<p>btw she called and I didn't ask, but I got back on the messanger to listen to her whine somemore for the night--can you tell Im at my wits in--tonight :-)</p>

<p>This too shall pass</p>

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<p>Buckeyemom, Nothing much to add to what's already been said but hugs to you for being a good mom.</p>

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<p>Im trying--I knew it would be rough parenting is a pretty hard job--but Im ready for the challenge--my mother NEVER gave up on me and I did some pretty STUPID things by the time I was my D age (18). I can't give up on my kids</p>

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<p>Today's issues need the most attention, but as potential Fall options I would plan on identifying some nurturing LACs with good computer science programs.</p>

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<p>her major is mechanical engineering</p>

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<p>Hey, Buckeye, did you notice that you opened up a floodgate of threads? Already: one positive from a negative....:)</p>

<p>M.E.....is she surrounded by male classmates who don't need to go to class to score 100% on the tests? I went to Arch School at a time when there were 25 women in a class of 100. When I went to the engineering school for Calculus, I thought it was wonderful that the former Dean taught our small class of 25. Hah! 125 men showed up for the exams. The only people going to class were the C students....sigh.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
You know what--finally figured it out--my D is anti-social!!!!! I suggested the valentine secret pal idea--not interested--I get it she thinks because she was the #1 in high school people should just flock to her and ask to be her friend

[/quote]
There's one more hope, that she is just avoiding things you suggest because she feels unsure of her abilities to make friends and at some level has decided its easier to reject them before they reject her. If so, she can benefit from the counseling available at college. Its not uncommon for students to have different levels of social skills when they arrive at college, but the key thing to remember is that they aren't fixed in concrete at age 18! If she is willing to make the effort she can change. You can find some info about shyness and social skills at <a href="http://www.shyness.com/shyness-institute.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.shyness.com/shyness-institute.html&lt;/a> which is a clinic affiliated with Zimbardo, one of the country's leading researchers into shyness at Stanford.</p>

<p>Its too bad she isn't interested in the secret valentine idea. We did something a little different when I was in the dorm to raise money for our floor. We sold a delivery of a paper valentine with some candy, setting up a table in front of the cafeteria. We had a stock of hearts we had cut out, you bought one and you wrote a name and room number on the front, any message you wanted on the back. We taped on some candy and then <em>very</em> late the nite before taped them on the doors so the recepients would wake up Valentine's day and see them on their door. It was one of those activities that was just a blast to do. (and the surprising thing was how many girls sent notes to guys!) The point is that if your daughter worked with the RA to set up something like this for her floor she would be working with lots of people on her floor, and also meeting plenty of other people when she's sitting at the table in front of the cafeteria.</p>

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<p>well thanks for all the advice, suggestions and comments--but Im tired. Im tired of listen to my D complain about school, the social life there and everything in between. I been talking to her all nite and Im worn out--it is tearing me apart and I just can't
I just told her to get the wheels rolling and get the heck out of that school. Im not as strong as I thought I was or wanted to be for my D. THanks for the help</p>

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<p>ALL of you-really thanks</p>

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<p>Hi CUlater21,</p>

<p>Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. When I left college number one, I told them I was "dropping out" and didn't take any finals or get a transcript. Then I applied before the January deadlines of the new colleges as a freshman. There was no transcript from the first school, so they couldn't ask for it and I wasn't transferring any credits. I was completely honest about my situation with all the second round colleges and I was accepted at all of them except for one Ivy, which was a real reach anyway. But, as I said, this was 30 years ago. All the best to you!</p>