<p>Quest, unless this girl shows a propensity towards violence and/or has made threats against your daughter, it is likely that your D is the “target” because she responds in some way that is gratifying for the drama queen. There are lots of other fish in the sea- if your D is still on the hook, it’s because her reactions, responses, anger, frustration, or whatever are fueling the situation.</p>
<p>Blocking all calls, texts, etc. or better yet, having your D announce to all of her friends with no particular reason that she is taking a break from her cellphone, IM’ing, Facebook for a few weeks “just because”. She can learn to be non-reactive when the other girl confronts her-- “sorry, I’m just not texting right now”. She can learn to smile in a non-committal fashion when asked about her weekend plans, “sorry, I don’t know yet”. She can learn to shrug when asked, “why didn’t you invite me over Saturday night”.</p>
<p>And then the drama ends. The toxic girl goes on to her next, more gratifying target, and your D is free to attend whatever college she wishes. Spell is broken. Your D can learn coping techniques which will serve her well her whole life if she tends to attract these stray kittens and wounded birds. And you can learn to help and encourage your D to stick up for herself without getting bogged down in the anxiety and drama of it all- which for sure will help you down the road.</p>
Respectfully, you really don’t know that. One can only speak for one’s own actions. Sometimes there isn’t a history of violence. It’s hard to explain, but sometimes this kind of behavior just gets out of control and something bad happens unexpectedly. I support the idea of unfriending/ignoring, but only the family who knows the girl can say whether that will work. Sometimes it doesn’t and if you stir up a hornet’s nest you’re likely to get stung. Maybe the daughter is the kind of kid who isn’t strong enough to handle well the kind of relentless attacks and being constantly off-balance. Nothing wrong with that. Until you’re been on the receiving end of the extreme behavior, you can’t really understand that it’s not comparable to normal “mean girl” behavior. It sounds to me that the girl in question here could go a little farther than that.</p>
<p>I guess what I’m politely objecting to is the presumption that the family get counseling or isn’t handling this well. I am here to provide Exhibit A that sometimes this behavior can be a living nightmare and the best thing is to get away from the victimizer.</p>
<p>It’s hard to be happy and optimistic in a situation when you know there’s someone present who hates your guts and will harm you however and whenever she can. I am aware of a situation where the IB coordinator in my D’s school posted assessment appointments for the students on a white board and one girl messed with the times of another girl’s appointments. I think it would stink to go into college looking over your shoulder. I wouldn’t want that for my kid.</p>
<p>I appreciate your situation, zmom – I’m not sure that questbest has described a situation that rises to the level of what you / your D unfortunately have had to endure.</p>
Right, but my D’s situation didn’t start out that way, kwim? It escalated over time and if this family is saying that the person at issue is much worse than the normal mean girl behavior, sometimes their word should be taken. We can look at my situation in hindsight, but I can’t tell you how many times over the last 5 years people have said “they’ll grow out of it” or “it can’t be that bad” and we’d believe them and doubt ourselves. Which allowed it to get as bad as it did. I would hate for that to happen to another family. Intuition is a very valuable thing.</p>
<p>D1 was the target of really bizarre behavior from a stalker/harrassment type when she was in HS. It escalated. Believe me, it got really, really strange. Every time D would date a boy, this girl would…stake out doesn’t even begin to describe it. One time we actually found her on our back deck at like 3am. The dogs were going crazy.</p>
<p>She never actually physically DID anything, but the whole thing was just insane and very unnerving for a young woman to try to navigate.</p>
<p>If this girl had had the same college opportunities as my D, I would have counseled D to go elsewhere. The police will tell you they can’t really do anything unless and until the stalker does something illegal, and even then? It’s a bizarre thing, tough to explain, but sometimes you just know the best strategy is to walk as far away as you can get and hope they get fixated elsewhere.</p>
<p>Sorry, but it just isn’t always a straightforward “mean girls” situation. Sometimes it’s not managable since you actually can’t make anyone else change what they are doing. You have to change what you are doing. It’s a tough break.</p>
<p>I get your upset OP. D actually didn’t go to prom or the graduation party with her bff’s because this girl would be there, and it had gotten to the point where she knew it wasn’t safe, but the police could really not do anything.</p>
<p>zoosermom – I’ll have to go back and read your story on your other posts.</p>
<p>Certainly if the other girl in this situation is dangerous and/or mentally ill and you think she is somehow targeting your daughter and will continue to do so then I change my position and your daughter might want to go to a different college. But I thought this situation didn’t rise to that level.</p>
The family won’t know whether it will ever rise to that level until it actually does. I may be projecting because of my situation, but everything I’m reading in this thread from the OP says that the girl in question lacks boundaries or limits. My feeling is that if someone has that much animosity toward you, you will never know what could happen to make something really bad. Perhaps the other girl could badmouth her to someone who is truly dangerous, set her up for a situation that isn’t intentionally unsafe but ends up that way. How often does a tragedy happen because someone did something stupid without realizing possible consequences? I just think it’s more likely for that to happen when you have a bulls-eye on your back.</p>
<p>I guess my position is just: “trust your instincts.” That’s what I told my D about this girl, and her instincts turned out to be correct. In general, people have a pretty good sense when something is “off” and they’d be better off listening to it. </p>
<p>But, regardless, as our kids go out into the world and we are not ‘there’ to ascertain whether a situation is normal or not, wouldn’t we all just rather have our daughters and sons listening when the hairs on the back of thier necks stand up? I know I would.</p>
<p>OP,
Does your daughter, and the ‘mean girl’ have their acceptances (to school A and B) in hand? If not, the worrying seems premature.</p>
<p>Does you DD have another potential college (school C) that the ‘mean girl’ is not considering?</p>
<p>I would have my DD let it be known that she is also ‘considering’ school C, and then stop talking about where she is going until after deposits are submitted. At some point ‘mean girl’ will show her cards and then DD can see if there even is an issue. Maybe ‘mean girl’ will go to your DDs second choice or even school D.</p>
<p>However, I know a case in my own community that sounds more like what the OP is describing than what you describe. The parents were urged to get the kid counseling- no. The parents were urged to get a restraining order- not possible since the “perpetrator” had never been violent, threatened violence, or in any way harmed the girl. The parents were urged into an informal mediation session with a religious leader in town and the other family- they refused. Friends, neighbors, acquaintances all tried to intervene. Nothing.</p>
<p>Eventually both kids left town- different colleges. The alleged psycho now seems fine. The alleged victim now has trouble with a BF who has difficulty with boundaries, is overly protective and possessive, the parents are frantic about “why is this guy tormenting our daughter?”</p>
<p>Fact is, this girl could well be the victim of an unstable and potentially violent aggressor either now or in the future. Or could be a classic co-dependent who attracts and encourages people who have trouble with intimacy and normal boundaries. Since neither the allegedly unstable boyfriend nor the HS “aggressor” were ever violent or did anything that is documented as being dangerous (besides the mom’s rantings that her d was being singled out) one can only hope the girl gets counseling and pray that in her life down the road she does not continue to attract these loose cannons.</p>
<p>I think you’re totally right that the family must do some reflection and assessment. Even if the situation is that the other girl is a dangerous whackjob, the family could use some tools to deal with that and also an avenue to discuss it. That helps a lot.</p>
<p>In the case of my D’s stalker? She ended up arrested over the summer before college, don’t really know why, didn’t want to talk about it or hear the gossip. I don’t know if she went off to college.</p>
<p>I know she did fixate on someone else in the group after D left and that mother wanted to call me and talk about it, but since she’d been part of the “you’re over-reacting” crowd, I just let it go at “there you have it.”</p>
<p>D herself is v. happy and has completely moved on. Stalker was not included in holiday get-togethers. Have no idea where she is now. Hopefully not on someone else’s back deck at 3am.</p>
<p>Great post Blossom. I don’t mean to get too far adrift but …</p>
<p>I too had an overly possessive boyfriend my first year in college. I had an overly controlling mother and the dynamics felt very familiar to me. By the end of the year I had some sort of epiphany. I realized why I was in the relationship, I decided that the control felt really bad and I decided that I didn’t have to put up with it.</p>
<p>I got rid of the boyfriend and things really changed for me after that. I made friends, I started to feel better about myself and I’ve never been in that kind of relationship again. The key wasn’t transferring colleges so I’d never see him, the key was realizing that I didn’t want to be with someone like and I didn’t have to be.</p>
<p>I don’t know if that is what is going on here. Maybe this is a simply case of a psychotic stalker or maybe the OP’s daughter is somehow complicit in being involved with this other girl. I know that a person can decide to be mentally free of someone and then really be rid of them, even if that person is in the same room as them.</p>
<p>Unless you have experienced this toxic experience it is hard to imagine. I also know that my D has a good opportunity to practice taking care of herself - she is the kind type who generally likes to include everybody and does not like to hurt people’s feelings. She has a kind word for everyone and has a knack for making people feel included and reaching out to others.</p>
<p>I’m late to the discussion, but it doesn’t seem fair to compare stories of one individual being specifically targeted by a clearly mentally disturbed stalker to OP’s situation, where a girl in a social group drives everybody nuts and OP’s daughter is no more a victim than everyone else. It sounds like such a classic teen dramatic reaction to say “I can’t go to the same school as X!” I’m very familiar with the angst and drama that can surround social interactions of a group of teenage girls, and it usually doesn’t amount to much when all is said and done. I hope OP is able to analyze the situation objectively, and not just through her daughter’s eyes.</p>
<p>MommaJ, that’s exactly what everyone said to my D and me until violence ensued. I respectfully submit that you simply can’t know how far someone will go and in the absence of certainty, the girl’s intuition should be the deciding factor.</p>
<p>OP- a counselor can help your D maintain her sunny disposition, include people, and have kind words for everyone without making herself the target of a bully. If her personality predisposes her to relationships where people take advantage of her innate kindness, some role playing with a professional can help her learn ways to extricate herself from these relationships.</p>
<p>Especially if a pattern is about to begin. Don’t think there won’t be loonies in college, her workplace, her gym, her apartment building. And they will all “glom on” if your D is willing. Everytime she moves and establishes herself somewhere she becomes fair game. So since she can’t avoid them, she can learn to manage them.</p>