<p>My D was hoping to “escape” this girl after high school. It seems so unfair that the “difficult” one gets to make her decision with a clear mind and my D is left to stress over having to deal with her at college.</p>
<p>I know you all say that my D can just “unfriend” her but I have seen how this girl operates…you don’t cross her, or you will suffer and never hear the end of it until you give in. People have tried to stand up to her but she does not stop harassing until people are worn down and just too tired to fight anymore. This is really a toxic person…</p>
<p>questbest – Noone is doubting that this other girl is difficult.</p>
<p>As a hypothetical, let’s say in the future your daughter goes through a very bitter divorce and her ex-husband is very difficult and no one wants to ever see him again. Would you want your daughter to move far away from their common location so she never has to see him again or would you want her to stay on her own turf and face the possibility that she may run into him now and again?</p>
This really doesn’t make much sense. The portrayal here is all very dramatic, especially coming from a parent. Can you give examples of what the girl does that will cause one to ‘suffer’ and to wear one down if her networking is ignored? If she’s doing something illegal then contact the police and get a restraining order issued. If not, then your D and others need to step up to the plate and not cave to her. Facebook, texts, emails, etc. can all easily be ignored so I don’t know why you’re resistant to this idea.</p>
<p>I know this will sound extreme but my husband once had to threaten a restraining order against an ex-girlfriend who behaved like this (he had an attorney send a letter). It worked.</p>
<p>Not saying you want to do that in HS but it could certainly be appropriate in college if the girl continue to harass your daughter in that manner.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t allow your daughter to choose where she goes to college based upon what the other girl is doing. Your daughter will always regret it if she passes on her college of choice because of the other girl. Unless it’s a super small school (under 1,000) the chances are great that your daughter won’t see her much. AND college students are a lot more intolerant of this type of childish behavior than HS students. Other students won’t put up with it.</p>
<p>In the meantime, you might want to get your daughter to talk to a counselor about how to deal with someone like this. A few good assertiveness skills never hurt.</p>
<p>Op…I totally get what you are going through as my D has a similair situation. I know that your D fears the retaliation from this girl. There are approx 4-5 more months until they graduate. I would have her gradually pull away from this girl so that if they do end up at the same school, it won’t be as difficult for the “crazy” one once they get there…in essence, they would have already moved on. This is not a simple situation but if she does it gradually, it will be less painful for all involved…</p>
<p>My D has already pulled away from this girl but the girl is very needy and dependent and is likely to seek my D out if they are at the same college…that is just the reality. I do not mean to belabor the point, but this girl is relentless - she does not let up or let go. The more resistance she gets the harder she pushes herself.</p>
<p>So what’s the decision - will your D be of her own mind and stand up for herself and choose whichever college appeals to her or will she let this girl dictate which college your D will choose based on exclusion? The advice in response to your post has been overwhelmingly in favor of your D not letting this girl be a factor in her college decision.</p>
<p>All of the terms you’ve used here lack any detail which just makes the story sound all the more questionable - ‘she pushes herself’ - how? ‘makes life miserable’ - how? ‘people are afraid of her’ - exactly why? - will she physically harm them or something? If so, have you sought out legal means to keep the girl away? If not, it all sounds like just perhaps a bit of an extreme case of adolescent HS hijinks from an insecure immature person that’ll likely not persist in college and can be ignored if one has a mind to.</p>
<p>Why do either your D or the other girl even know which college either might go to? They don’t need to discuss it with anyone.</p>
<p>Is this girl stalking your D in particular, i.e. is she obsessed with your D or is it just her normal behavior with her peers?</p>
<p>If your daughter goes to the other school she will be running away from her problems instead of facing them. It’s a bad precedent. What if at her new school she realizes there is someone there that she can’t stand. Is she going to transfer? What if years from now she works at a job and she can’t stand one of her coworkers? Is she going to quit her job and look for a new one? It’s so unnecessary. It’s very possible to exist in proximity with someone you dislike. Once you do it you realize that you can do it and you never even consider the drastic measures you are talking about with your daughter.</p>
<p>Quest- agree with the suggestion of counseling. If the other girl is so needy and dependent, why is your D allowing herself to enable and be so co-dependent? The world is filled with obnoxious people, and having your D learn how to set boundaries with them seems to be a good life’s skill well worth developing.</p>
<p>I’m not debating whether or not this kid is toxic. But surely your entire town hasn’t rolled over and played dead; surely the math teacher doesn’t go home at night to fill out applications for a transfer because this kid has made her life so miserable. Surely the entire senior class isn’t plotting to move to Libya to avoid her.</p>
<p>So the question for you as a parent is not this other kid. It is, “why is my kid so caught up in this drama that she’d actually modify her own life to avoid a confrontation with the other kid? And how can I help her learn better tactics for dealing with toxic people?”</p>
<p>I hear what you are saying and I, as an adult, have had to deal with many difficult people. But I must say that I have yet to meet one like this girl.</p>
<p>Any specific suggestions on how to deal with this toxic person? Ignoring does not work. Saying NO does not work…this girl just comes back for more (she enjoys creating drama and yelling at people).</p>
<p>The author Susan Forward has written several books on dealing with toxic people (including toxic parents!). She has some very helpful things to say about how to set boundaries and not get drug into dramas. </p>
<p>One thing a parent can do is contact HS staff and say that you are concerned about your daughter’s safety (this is reasonable if the other person is a yeller). What, specifically, does the staff advise students to do? Many times staff are aching to act but they have to wait until there is a complaint to do so. The staff may have some things available that can make the remaining months more tolerable (such as letting student know that disciplinary actions can be reported to colleges!) </p>
<p>Do tell your kid about the “October Exodus.” Almost every college has kids show up in September who are rabidly immature. They party like crazy for six weeks, realize that they will have a 0.0 mid term GPA that cannot be saved and then they go home to wait tables or work construction. If Ms. Yeller does show up in September, there’s a good chance she won’t be around for long . . .</p>
<p>Look, everyone can tell you that your D should make her own choices about where she wants to go to college, and I’m going to tell you the same thing. Your D should make her own decision about where she is going to go to college factoring in everything she has to work with. If this stalker is an issue she feels she needs to factor in, then that is her business and at least she can see this.</p>
<p>We have laws on the books to deal with harrassment and stalking for a reason, because as much as we all want to say, “Oh, just ignore her,” it doesn’t always work. I get a strong impression this is what you are talking about.</p>
<p>I would simply support your daughter in her decision and encourage her to not let people like this into her life in the future. Next time it could be a dangerous young man, and that kind of stalker story can be truly frightening.</p>
<p>Very tough and unfair decision for my D to have to think about when she has worked so hard to go to college of HER CHOICE…I guess you can tell that I am angry and frustrated. As a mother this is very tough.</p>
<p>Questbest, give us a SPECIFIC example of what this girl does that your daughter cannot just ignore / walk away from. It takes two to tango, and it seems like your daughter is still doing her part of the tango. If no one likes this girl – if she’s so obnoxious – then why do any of you care what she has to say?</p>
<p>IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. This girl is only toxic because poeple let her be. This girl is controlling only because folks allow her to control. There is drama only when there is an audience. </p>
<p>College is different. If your daughter wants to AND YOU WILL LET HER, she can go to the same college, start over with her dealings with this girl, and ignore her. And ignore the tantrums. And ignore the drama. And not allow the control. It won’t be hard. This queen bee will be in a whole new hive. It will be a problem only if your daughter lets it be.</p>
<p>why not go to a different college? there are many many great colleges. Why should a young girl have to practice bigtime avoiding; dealing; being stalked etc etc? She’ll have a lifetime for learning those skills.</p>
<p>I’m going to take the dissenting position. If this girl sucks the life out of your daughter, which it seems as if she does, get them the heck apart. There is no principle worth the aggravation and stress. I totally understand how girls like that work. She will target your daughter, make her the bad guy in all this, turn people against her. It will be a relentless campaign and your daughter will never know what she’s up to next. Until your life has been taken over by something like this, you can’t really know how awful it is. If we hadn’t taken the position that our girls would be in a 4000 person high school with many different classes, clubs and friends, our situation couldn’t have escalated as far as it did.</p>
<p>Questbest-“Very tough and unfair decision”- </p>
<p>It’s tough but not unfair. ‘Unfair’ means your daughter is a victim of some force out there - she is only a victim in this case ( I’m not talking about cases of stalking and violence) if she defines herself as such. You are hanging onto something small and giving it way more power than it needs to have. Counseling perhaps for both of you would be an excellent choice and give you both some logistical and emotional tools to deal with this problem. She will not longer be in high school(yay) but it sounds like perhaps that makes you both very sad, too.</p>