<p>I don't think that she can keep it that way. She called tonight and I knew that I shouldn't answer, but I did anyway. When the first thing she said was "Why aren't we together," I knew what it was going to be like. I ended up telling her that it's done and that I hope that one day we can be friends. I told we shouldn't talk anytime soon and that it's up to her if and when we do.</p>
<p>I don't think that she can keep it that way. She called tonight and I knew that I shouldn't answer, but I did anyway. When the first thing she said was "Why aren't we together," I knew what it was going to be like. I ended up telling her that it's done and that I hope that one day we can be friends. I told we shouldn't talk anytime soon and that it's up to her if and when we do.</p>
<p>its okay, you are handling it like a gentleman, its all you can do....don't answer next time, give it some time...she will get over you in time, and move on and so will you</p>
<p>keep being a gracious gentleman, and you won't feel so guilty as time goes on</p>
<p>Well, I don't see this whole drama as being handled in a gentlemanly manner. OP has been advised unanimously for weeks by the adults here to end contact with her, yet he persists. And his frequent contact with her is not exactly consistently distant, either, judging by what he posts. </p>
<p>If he wanted to be a gentleman, if he wanted to help her heal, he would stop talking to her. He would stop using her so he can "feel so damn good" as he likes to say.</p>
<p>Fish or cut bait.</p>
<p>Another "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" moment. OP needs to understand that most women will see continued contact as a hopeful sign, especially if that is what the woman wants. His point of view is that the words govern his actions and her understanding of this situation. His words say one thing, but his actions say another to a woman. In an effort to validate what he has done and forgive himself for the breakup, he is still seeking her approval for it. Sometimes there is no approval, nor will there ever be. Continuing the contact merely prolongs the hurt on the part of the woman. Cut all contact NOW. Many women cannot get over something unless they are totally away from it. Give her the space she needs to get over this. You are toying with her.</p>
<p>I agree with the previous two posters. OP is jerking her around. </p>
<p>When it's over, it's over. It's over. No more contact (certainly not contact that's "up to her"), no more phone calls, no more support group. You're done.</p>
<p>he IS tellig her its done, she is calling him, she is doing the pursuing, she has some responsibility in this and to not put any of the responsiblity for this relationship aftermath on the girl is saying she is too weak to get it or too stupid..she knows exactly what she is doing, she is also playing a game and is totally aware of her actions and his as well</p>
<p>you don't think she is jerking him around as well</p>
<p>Oh my friends all dumped me because they thought I was flirting with their boyfriends</p>
<p>Grandma is dying</p>
<p>I am lonely</p>
<p>She knows what she is doing, believe me</p>
<p>I want you all to note that I have not initiated any of this contact. She has been the one that has called me. I don't think she will be calling any more after our conversation last night. If she does, I won't answer. I asked her if that was the last time we would say goodbye, not because I was leading her on, but because I still want her as a friend. She said, "I don't know," so in time I hope that she will, but I can't push it.</p>
<p>Asking her if you can still be friends during the same phone conversation that you're dumping her is asking a lot. Let her know by text message that if she calls, you won't answer as you feel you both need your space right now. Be clear where you stand. She needs time and space to get over you. Unfortunately, break-ups aren't always pretty.</p>
<p>the friend thing takes time, and space....</p>
<p>"so i sent her a message a few days ago explaining that i wasn't sure if i was done with us yet and that we should spend a time period apart, but i didn't tell her the time period. i told her that she should go and see if there is someone better for her and that i will be doing the same and if either of us find someone better, than that's what will happen. only time will tell what happens."</p>
<p>This was keeping her on the hook. In other words, he was saying, "I may still love you, I'm not sure."</p>
<p>Truth is that since he's a freshman in college, he's probably dealing with homesickness, loneliness and all of the challenges that come with a new situation. Consequently, he finds it convenient to have her as a back-up. However, that's unfair to her. He needs to stop contact for at least 6 months. If she calls or e-mails, he shouldn't answer.</p>
<p>If he's serious about ending the relationship, this is what he'll do. If he wants her as a backup for when he's lonely, he'll keep stringing her along. Nothing at all gentlemanly about this. He's setting things up so that he can use her, but then say, "But I told you it was over," when she expects anything in return such as some kind of commitment.</p>
<p>You really can't ask her to still be your friend when you are the one breaking up. It isn't fair because she still has feelings for you, and will be likely not to get over you emotionally unless you stop contact. You made the decision; don't make it worse for her by trying to make it okay for her.</p>
<p>I realize the consequences of my actions. If it's a friendship I lose, than so be it. I also know that I cannot turn to her if I'm struggling; I'll have to learn to deal with stuff on my own, as will she about her own problems.</p>
<p>Though I haven't been feeling homesick because I live 20 minutes away and go home once or twice a week, I have been feeling awful lonely lately. But I try to get over this by talking to girls that I'll see eating lunch or that are in my classes. I've been feeling bad today, but that's because I talked to her last night. It will pass in time, right?</p>
<p>I wish I had confidence that you know what you are doing.</p>
<p>In your posts, I've never seen what I would consider to be an adequate or even a decent reason for breaking up with her to begin with. Reread your original post and see if you can find any good or even plausible reason for breaking up. I don't. All I see there is 1. a happy relationship, and 2. an immature desire to "take a gamble" because you saw some pretty girls in your first week or so of college. </p>
<p>Sure, you'll get over her in time. You won't ache for her for the rest of your life.</p>
<p>But you might always regret what you may come to consider to be a rash, ill-considered, and immature decision. </p>
<p>I think that many adults can look back on significant events in their lives that they now wish they had handled differently. The looking back is not necessarily painful (anymore), but often poignant. Possibly this is that type of watershed event for you.</p>
<p>Perhaps the distress you are feeling means that you made a mistake, and that you should reconsider. Pain is the body's way, the mind's way, of saying that something is wrong. </p>
<p>It would be interesting to hear the experience of others on this point, but in my personal experience, at least, as dumper and as dumpee, the dumper didn't feel bad for weeks afterwards. The dumper didn't feel "awful lonely", the dumper didn't have to console him/herself as you seem to be doing or trying to do. The dumper moved on promptly.</p>
<p>I have three bits of advice: </p>
<p>The most important: Figure out your mind and heart. Soon. </p>
<p>Second: be man enough to see if she will take you back if you conclude that you made a mistake.</p>
<p>Third: don't talk to her unless and until that time comes.</p>
<p>Thanks for your advice ADad</p>
<p>Rich,
You said that you've been going home once or twice a week. May I suggest that you just stay on campus and immerse yourself in college activites. From my experience, the kids from our area that come home weekly never fully enjoy their college. Also, it would be easier on the old GF if she didn't have to worry about bumping into you or hearing that you were in town again. My husband went to college in his hometown (University of Del.), lived at the dorm and didn't go home until Thanksgiving break. Get on with that new life!</p>
<p>"but in my personal experience, at least, as dumper and as dumpee, the dumper didn't feel bad for weeks afterwards. The dumper didn't feel "awful lonely", the dumper didn't have to console him/herself as you seem to be doing or trying to do. The dumper moved on promptly."</p>
<p>All is true under normal circumstances. However, in this case, the OP has just made a major move away from home. It's normal for college freshmen to feel uprooted, lonely, homesick, to miss old friends, etc. Consequently, what i think is that he's leaning on his old girlfriend and his home (by going home so frequently) instead of dealing with the challenge of college life.</p>
<p>I think he's using her -- leaning on her until he feels comfortable in his new environment. </p>
<p>The way he describes things -- suggesting that both of them date others to see if there's anyone out there better -- also indicates to me that he was not head over heels in love with her. If he was, he wouldn't have been so attracted to the pretty girls on campus. Sounds to me like while he was in high school, he settled for dating her, but now he wants better -- just doesn't yet know if he can get better.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I think he's using her -- leaning on her until he feels comfortable in his new environment.
[/quote]
I think you've got the wrong idea. I haven't called her at all for anything. I know that I need to learn how to figure things out on my own. She doesn't and she's under some difficult times right now (excluding me).</p>
<p>Also, I like seeing my family. I see nothing wrong with going home. When I do, I'll go for a few hours and eat dinner and pick some stuff up and then I might go see one of my grandmothers. Also, I go to some friends house alot and they live directly across the street from my house, so I'll stop by for half an hour.</p>
<p>Rich,
How are things going for you in college? Have you joined clubs? Do you feel that you're on the way to making friends? What are you doing there for fun?</p>