Guilt of refusing to pay 300K for elite college

Parents Forum
81

When it was me, I really wanted to leave home and go to a fancy dream school (Georgetown in my case). But unlike your kid, I actually HAD the test scores and grades to get into a school like that.

But the money wasn’t there. So I didn’t even apply to any country club schools like Gtown.

So I lived at home and commuted to a non-fancy local college I got a scholarship at. I also started working PT and summer jobs in 8th grade and continued that through college graduation. It was what it was, and it worked out fine for me.

You are offering your kid a full ride scholarship to live away at a place like Purdue, which would have been an incomprehensible luxury to me. And in technical fields like CS, frankly a big state school is just as good or better than many fancier privates. For CS, USNWR says it IS better (#20) than NW (#30). Put the dollars aside. TBH, your kid simply is not going to get into a school with a better rated CS program – Purdue might actually be a little reach-ey for CS.

Tell your kid he is lucky, should appreciate his blessings, should shut the front door, and grow up.

The deal was you’d pay for one (and only one) fancy full priced private – NW. He didn’t get in. Too bad. Maybe he should have worked to get better grades and test scores (like I did for Gtown) if he really wanted to take advantage of that opportunity and generous offer. But he didn’t, so that ship has sailed. Choices, consequences.

His budget is a full ride to an in-state school. That is WAY more than what most kids get. Tell him he can spend that at whatever school he (i) can get into and (ii) can make work with that budget. End of story.

82

No, tuition is not 25K/year, not at Purdue (where I work), not at IU (where he already got in). I’m not sure why do I need to repeat that. 25K/year will cover room and board. I’ll expect we’ll give him some other spending money as well. Let’s not get into the nickel and dime. He’ll be covered for any in-state college and will have leftover money to be gifted to him for a house dowpayment, graduate school or we will see in which form.

83

He wanted to to apply early to NYU and then regular to Boston University and Northeastern.

84

For undergrad CS, USNWR says Purdue is #10 actually. #20 is for grad school. That’s better than Princeton or UW; and just behind Illinois, Texas, Michigan and Cornell.

He should be so lucky to get admitted there and have his mom pay for 100% of the costs.

If he’s still moping about his poor pitiful situation, have him give me a call. I’ll be happy to adjust his attitude.

Sheesh!!!

85

I talked to him again, he said he’ll go to Purdue if he gets in and let go of the other stuff. He seems a bit sad, but ot overly so. I feel less guilty because of some things he said. I think he wasn’t going to go to those schools for the right reasons and they were an afterthought.

86

No other kids. Quite a first world problem we are having here haha

87

"He wanted to to apply early to NYU and then regular to Boston University and Northeastern. "

And I’d like to pick between a Ferrari and a Lamborghini.

You’d have a hard time picking three schools that (i) are more expensive on a net price basis and (ii) are totally NOT worth that money. Especially for CS. Were there not any schools in London or Paris that were attractive to this kid?

Even if I had the $300k in the bank, I would have totally whack-a-moled that Bravo Sierra down in a heartbeat.

88

I’ll keep you posted when we find out the actual salary. Probably in January (?)

He just got a message from the non-profit, they said they’re very excited to have him join the team and want to talk to him tomorrow, and again early January. He’s wondering if tomorrow they want to ask if he’s available to move and work on site with them. I told my son he could go there if there is possible to live with a roomate and in a safe area. And find out what the salary is, if he can live off of it. I’ll drive him there and set him up if that’s the case.

This job, he is getting all by himself, I’m quite proud of him for that. I hope he does a good job and works hard.

89

Thanks, so glad there is someone not roasting me over that. I presented to the H exactly like that, is his dream college, if he gets in and I won’t let him, I’ll wonder all my life what if…

But after he comes with some random other places he’s never talked about, just because x and y friends go there or are geographically closer to him, I’m not sure it’s worth it.

90

Yup, I’m actually rather nervous on whether he’ll get into Purdue CS. He put Purdue’s CIT as option 2.

When I said if you don’t get into Purdue, you’ll go to IU, he said whoaaa, and I said just that, well you should have worked harder at those grades and scores, it wouldn’t be my fault if you end up going to IU, which, btw, is a fine school. It’s good enough.

91

There seems to be a lot of what should of scenarios suggested. Or my personal story. That’s kind of like when I was a kid I walked 5 miles to school stories. Meaningless. I get the kid should be appreciative going to Purdue The thing is the kid was, right or wrong, offered more. Just my opinion but I think the OP appears to be able to afford more than most, including myself, on this particular thread. His budget wasn’t the cost of Purdue. It was Indiana too and he was accepted there.

As to the poster who suggested I was naïve and entitled. I have read many comments about kids on this forum not wanting to go to a school in their home town. I never suggested going somewhere else you cant afford.

92

I don’t think you need to feel guilty for not paying 300k, but it sounds like the communication was very confusing from the son’s perspective. I’d just sit him down and explain that you feel you didn’t explain things well. Then he’ll see that adults make mistakes and how they respond.

Your in state schools are outstanding for CS. In a totally different category than BU or NYU (schools which few aspiring CS students would prefer to Purdue). Although given what you’ve stated about his work ethic I suspect he’s not going to stick with CS, especially if it’s in the engineering school. Those requirements involve a lot of work. Anyway, I’d consider letting him use some of the 160k for summer experiences—study abroad, visiting other cities, etc. I suspect he wants to see what life is like elsewhere. But he doesn’t need a college elsewhere to do that.

93

Part of what I feel like I’m hearing from the OP is lack of clarity about what the “dream school” is. Does he want to be at a great CS program? That’s easy to compare between schools. Is it something more intangible, like geography or prestige or campus environment? I guess I feel like there’s a big difference between “I want to go to this expensive school because it will really help set me on the right path and fulfill my goals” and “I want to go to this school because it seems like a cool place and my friends think so too.”

Maybe it’s because of my particular kid (super responsible and not at all entitled), but if I had the resources to send my kid to her “dream school” AND she had made a good case for why it really was a better choice than the in-state or cheaper option, I would probably do it. But I would want to be clear about why it was worth investing our family’s resources in that choice.

We’ve already turned down our in-state option for my dd (which is cheap!! and she got a scholarship!!) because it really is NOT the right choice for my dd. I agree and support this decision entirely. A bargain is not a bargain if you’re not getting the education you need.

That being said, we 100% don’t have the luxury of not taking $$ into account, so cost has always been part of the college conversation.

94

He didn’t get into his dream school.

95

“Anyway, I’d consider letting him use some of the 160k for summer experiences—study abroad, visiting other cities, etc. I suspect he wants to see what life is like elsewhere. But he doesn’t need a college elsewhere to do that.”

Excellent point.

Picking a less expensive place for TR&B for the regular school year frees up (but only if you want to free it up) cash for a lot of other things – laundry service, study abroad, a car, a nicer student apartment, money for a frat, money for travel, summer living expenses for an unpaid internship or summer job in Chicago/NYC/Boston, etc. etc. etc.

96

So the question is no longer will you pay for the dream school (which you would have) but will you pay for something that’s somewhere in between his dream school and the in-state, less expensive option?

I guess for me that would depend entirely on (1) how much $$ are you talking about and (2) what are the benefits of attending the more expensive option?

I don’t think the answer is black and white. Since you do have the money (and are not strictly limited by budgetary concerns) it is a judgment call whether or not spending the extra money is worth it.

97

Agree. He can use the money for all of the above. He will get over it. I sat him down a couple of h ago and talked again and now I’m more sure it’s the right decision.

Let’s see if he gets into Purdue and if he is doing well if/when he goes there.

98

I may be a bit late to this discussion, but I think that $160,000 for four years is a good budget. Purdue is a great university and a student can get a great education there. There will be other very good schools that fit this budget and if I am reading the thread right you have already found at least one other.

We set a very similar budget for our kids. One grumbled quite a bit, picked a university that was a great fit for her and that also fit the budget, and graduated about $2,000 under budget but with two degrees. She stopped grumbling pretty much the moment that she arrived on campus and discovered that many of the other students were taking on significant debt and in some cases also working jobs to pay for their education. Our other daughter applied to schools that would all be under budget and is on track to graduate way under budget (from a university that is very different from Purdue, but if you only consider academic strength is probably not all that far off from comparable).

University is the first time that a student gets significant input on anything that is even remotely close to being this large of an investment. It is a good time for them to learn that there are financial limits. We all need to make choices in life. Picking a school that is both academically a good fit and that also fits within the budget is a good lesson, and should be possible with a budget of $160,000 over four years.

I think that you are doing exactly the right thing. We did the same thing and it has worked out well.

99

@BluEyeL

Happy holidays and Happy New Year first of all.

Jeesh folks this is supposed to be a somewhat welcoming place. Lol. I know everyone is really just tying to help you in the end.

Your question was more about your relationship with your son having set some ground rules, albeit a bit after the fact.

You are not a college planning expert. Unfortunately, no one has a perfect parenting university to attend.

You love your son and there’s been some turmoil for him over the years. You’ve over indulged him a bit. It’s not fatal and you’re not alone. Even folks with less income do so regularly.

Imho your singular best option is Perdue. It is an elite university. Especially in CS. You’ll never really see him unless you arrange it.

No one is perfect but these lessons in life will be good for him and good for you.

Our real job as parents are to try and successfully launch independent and productive adults. This won’t hurt him at all.

He is blessed with a debt free education at IU or hopefully Perdue. Wow that’s a lot.

Also your new husband should not be villified in any way. He is your partner and helping to put a roof over your child’s head etc. he is offering to share a large burden of the costs. Another blessing.

In terms of your divorce. You made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time.

I would agree that you can certainly get a bit more familiar with this process via on line resources and research.

Lastly to you and anyone planning to make a sizable graduation gift to your children. Anything above the annual exclusion amount is a taxable gift. You don’t necessarily owe a tax but it must be reported with a tax filing. It will also reduce your lifetime exemption. This number is very high at the moment but will sunset in 2025. Current policy discussion would seem to lead one to believe this will be drastically cut in the coming years. It may comeback into play for many families.

The current annual exclusion amount is 15k and you can double that to 30k for a husband and wife. So a 60k gift should be actually made over two years to avoid these issues. If larger gifts are planned perhaps start transferring in advance. FYI.

OP good luck and give your kid a hug. Kids are resilient and usually will only see the wisdom of a decision in coming years.

100

@privatebanker thank you so much for your kindness !