Just-in-case CS doesn’t work out IU has a fantastic business school. Purdue is also highly rated. The good news is you have time to get everything back on the rails with some better communication. Good luck.
This one of the fastest threads I’ve seen in a long time – >100 posts to a new thread this morning. I haven’t read through the posts yet, so I may be repeating things.
Most high achieving kids apply to in-state schools, rather than private schools in a different section of the country. It’s not uncommon to do this, nor is it likely to have major negative impact on future goals. What are your son’s goals for college and beyond? What schools does he want to attend?
Paying $160k is extremely generous. It’s especially unusual to gift a high expected salary CS major $60k upon graduation. I see little advantage to doing so, and many potential downsides. Most parents pay far, far less for college. When parents cannot afford college, it’s common for the student to take on loans and/or jobs. It’s quite common for students to make a major contribution to the financial cost of college… not 100% parents.
If your son equates love with paying $300k instead of $160k, and will forever be angry for paying only $160k, there are bigger issues than paying for college. Did he do anything to suggest this?
I assume you mean NPC. Some highly selective HYPS type colleges offer good FA for families with low $200’sk income and typical assets, but if you are above $250k income, it is likely to be sticker price.
You are considering divorcing your husband over this?! It’s quite common for parents to have disagreements about paying for college, but it rarely leads to divorce, just like other disagreements. Attending an in-state public or less expensive than $300k school s far from end of the world for your son. Many studies suggest similar long term outcomes, when controlling for individual student level variables.
"It will also reduce your lifetime exemption. This number is very high at the moment but will sunset in 2025. "
Just some sanity check context. The current law allows an individual to pass $11.4 million to the kids tax free; double that for a married couple.
If it lapses in 2025 back to the prior law limit, then it would be $5.5/11 million.
While PB is right about spreading the $60k over a couple of years, you are extremely unlikely (based on your posts) to ever come close to hitting these limits no matter what you do.
P.S. Agree on IU/Kelley. We know several folks who opted to pay for that OOS.
Seems you’re in a good spot now to me. You’ve spoken with your son and it seems it went well. Hopefully he gets into Purdue.
We all make parenting mistakes. Not everyone is an expert at this college thing.
Keep communicating with your son and things will work out. This isn’t life or death.
Stop. The. Madness.
Your offer of $160K is incredibly generous. More than most kids of middle class families could possibly hope for.
With decent enough stats that $40K per year plus the right school’s merit offers and he walks out of college debt free.
It sounds like your family needs to have a a series of planned discussions to open up what colleges match both the issue of admissions and the issue of budget.
My D has the stats for just about anywhere, she is balking at being limited by our budget and we are holding firm … she knew the budget up front. We have already said “no” to one of her admissions where the money is not there for it.
Every 17/18 year old needs to get and understand real life reality checks.
What a popular post this is! It seems everybody wants to offer a response. Here’s mine: from a purely financial perspective, your son is very lucky to have a sizeable school budget such as this. I don’t think this is common at all, especially since you will also be throwing in “getting started” life money when he graduates. Very nice indeed. It’s a shame that the bio dad is not contributing (I also don’t understand how he can exempt himself from a legal obligation to contribute). Stepdad is extremely generous, considering he has no legal obligation whatsoever to even contribute a dime! Although his information goes on the household FAFSA profile, there is no obligation on his part, so he is being quite generous. This too is an unusual circumstance. The remark about the divorce threw me for a loop but it seems this was not intended to have the meaning it seemed to convey. I would say push hard for Purdue. What a great school for 50% off! So what if you work there. You won’t see each other. I wish my kids would’ve had a relative working at their colleges! He only needs to get in, and I think it’s iffy. Stats don’t seem to be that high. Although it was suggested by one poster that he try to take advantage of CS curricula at several elite state schools, he will never get into UC Berkeley, Georgia Tech, U Maryland, or UT Austin with those stats. Not unless he’s got something else to offer that is off the charts. I would consider Virginia Tech a reach for him but worth the push, as it’s a great school. Same with Purdue, as I said, and both are cost-favorable.
You get a 50% tuition break at Purdue? Is there anything else to add to this story?
Your son is getting a huge gift by being able to graduate with zero dollars in debt, and possibly a little nest egg to start his post college life. That is more than generous.
Stop feeling guilty.
I’ll let you know if he gets into Purdue . If not, he has a good enough option in IU.
I also didn’t expect so many responses. I posted out of anxiety. Wanted someone to tell me not to feel guilty. 
Anyway, thanks everyone , Happy New Year and all the best to your and your families !
You can’t help feeling the guilt. Has nothing to do whether it’s justified or rational. We love our kids and want to give them everything they want, and a reputable private university for college is not a bad thing to want.
A lot of people don’t get the awakening you have gotten so it’s no wonder your son has not. He’s likely getting a lot of feedback from peers, friends, classmates, their parents who are breaking the bank for the schools of choice. It’s confusing and difficult fir all of us as conflicting emotions are in the mix.
He got rejected ED at NU…Northwestern, not Northeastern (NEU) @lookingforward
Oh please. Purdue is huge. He doesn’t ever have to see his mother if he doesn’t want to…oh, and he doesn’t have to see kids from his high school either.
What kid would want to do this? How about one who is grateful for the very low cost and excellent education he will get at Purdue.
Good…because NYU is very costly and you likely would have been full pay there at well over $70,000 a year.
Boston University would never have come in under $40,000 a year and likely Northeastern won’t or wouldn’t either.
This kid has options…and a couple of affordable ones at that. He has three generous parents willing to pay for his undergrad education with a $40,000 a year cap.
I agree…stop trying to bribe him with money held until after graduation. Just stop.
Regarding his out of state job…just make sure he doesn’t lose his instate status in Indiana by working out of state. Just make sure.
@BluEyeL I am so glad you made the first world problems comment.
I’ve been away from this forum for a while and couldn’t find the thread I was looking for and read yours. Wow. I am struggling with why this is a monstrous issue or a huge violation on your part. This is not uncommon. Some mistakes were made, but you all will see the other side. There is healthy financial means within the family, so I’m sure you can work it out. Clearly, the divorce comment was only a reference to the financial scenario as a single person.
I get him not immediately loving Purdue. Hoping he gets in! Reasonable to me that he isn’t immediately in love with the local (familiar) school. My D was like that about Georgia Tech. If we didn’t have the means, she would have had to suck it up and go only where we could afford. There were so many people that said, how could she not go to Tech for CS. Whatever! The same people that told me how to spend my money, spent their money on things I never would.
1430SAT and 3.7 GPA is not a bad student. Sure he may have the potential to perform better, but the noses in the air at these stats. Yes, not super elite college eligible, but he didn’t sleep through high school. Take these comments with a few grains of salt. He has to be somewhat industrious if he found a job on his own. In fact, working to graduate early may have burned him out a bit. As I type this I think, the kid graduated early and we’re insulting his potential.
It’s an emotional time. Enjoy the holidays and take it easy on yourself.
@northwesty trying avoid any political issues. Lol.
Some of the proposals and focus on wealth issues could certainly lead back to 3mm type levels. And with home prices etc families can reach that 20 years from now. Also state’s have their own thresholds much lower than federal limits and 10 and 15 percent is significant on an entire estate at much lower levels than the current federal exemption.
I personally wouldn’t plan for the current Estate tax regime to stay at these levels indefinitely.
My only point was to make sure when posters mention 6 figure gifts in lieu of tuition they realize a lump sum at that level has some requirements.
I had some conversations with DD20 regarding our budget and wanting her to be debt free if possible. She wanted to apply ED to an Elite school and I declined to allow this since I need to see all offers prior to signing on the dotted line. She was not happy. Oh well…I am allowing her to apply to a variety of schools as well as a few elite schools because you can never tell if they will be accepted or what kind of financial aid/scholarships/merit can be offered. So I would say that the cart is a little before the horse here. There is nothing to fight over just yet because there are no offers in hand to decide between. It also seems that there are some blended family dynamics being played out. Is there a biological father who is willing to assist. I am well acquainted with those dynamics. Your son does need you to create some balance and it appears that the decision making is purely being administered by your husband. I do not know how long you have been a blended family nor do I know the dynamics but if your child does not feel heard (not necessarily getting what he wants) he may very well resent you.
The student still has not been admitted to Purdue (and for his desired major, which is highly competitive). IU appears to be the affordable safety.
Re: not waning to go to the college your parents work at, i get it. His whole life he has lived in the same city as the college his mom works at. Some kids want to go away for college, not in the town you grew up in.
I have a close friend who works for a middle tier CSU and they are encouraging their HS senior son to live at home and commute to the same college his dad works, which would save them tons of money.
I can understand this kid’s reservations about this. It’s way to close to home, figurateluve and literally. Sometimes cheaper is not always better but your family needs to decide what is feasible for your family.
@privatebanker “Perdue” is a name brand for chicken, “Purdue” is an excellent STEM college in Indiana! Lol.
Thumper1 and others. The story here didn’t start with Purdue. It started with Northwestern with ED. Obviously to most he wasn’t going to get in. Not to the OP’s kid. No one applies hoping to be rejected. We go now from living away from home in Evanston to going to Purdue. It’s a fine school. Wife has family who teaches there. Now if you get into Purdue to save more money your living at home. I get the cost savings. So the storyline has changed in my opinion dramatically. I get it’s a big college and odds are you won’t see mom. You seem to think the kids ungrateful if he doesn’t like the option given. I don’t think so. Just my opinion I think it’s more independence than being ungrateful. What happens if he gets rejects at Purdue? I’m guessing junior college. And he should be grateful.
I do that all the time. Sorry Purdue. Lol.
It’s a bit before the horse , the cart, I mean, but not really. I would need to sign for ED 2 and I’m not signing. All three options would be 70-75K/year and we won’t get financial support. No point to give him false hope and then after he got in, we told him he couldn’t go. Now he won’t apply.
The husband doesn’t “call the shots” but I can’t just go over his head. I think he agreed to a very generous financial package, and it was me who came up with the number .
The bribe like some people call it it’s more cultural. I was surprised the H didn’t balk. I’m not from this country originally and it’s pretty common for parents to buy an apartment or give some other type of start up to the kids after college. I got an apartment from my parents after graduation. It was dirt cheap by American standards and you couldn’t buy a car with that money here , but it appreciated and when I sold it I got the money for the down payment for a house here in the US. For parents it was a lot of money. My sister also got an apartment. My parents aren’t rich at all .
This is a fast moving thread! I think just about everything has been said. I have not seen anyone really commenting on the above though. If the OP makes say $100,000, her ex makes $200,000 and her husband makes $500,000 that (obviously) adds up to $800,000 annually, which may be why the son was hoping for more money for college.
I offer no opinion of which college is worth what; but given everyone’s salaries it seems odd to me that being full pay wouldn’t be a choice. Though, perhaps I’ve misunderstood (and certainly, you could hav millions and choose not to pay for a private college, but I have a hard time with that choice).