Having a discussion about divorce, hopefully not in front of the kid, is not healthy. Your spouse really isn’t under any obligation to front a large portion of his hard earned dollars to your son. His initial offer just showed you how much he loved you if he said okay to Northwestern or Northeastern (lost track). Why did he pick such expensive choices? I have to agree with @blossom. Lots of confusing messages for the student. Unfairness was equally doled to everyone.
Explain the funding concerns with a spreadsheet.
Give him an allowance, when he’s working if both you and your husband think he will need one. I wouldn’t give him more than $200 a month.
The Purdue thing, kids PUH LEASE! They love having a parent on-campus!
I worked at my kids high school (4K+ kids) and my kids, initially, hated the idea. “Mom, why can’t you work at the other high schools??? You’re going to seriously cramp up our social lives!!!”
Picture it! Two weeks into the quarter, my office:
Mrs. AuntBea, can I leave my sports equipment/lunch/instrument, etc. here?
Mrs. AuntBea can I use your fridge/microwave/coffee maker/ bathroom?
Mrs. AuntBea have you seen Opie around? I can’t find him and we were supposed to have lunch off-campus. (No). Can you page him? (NO). (No cell phone usage was allowed on campus near the offices)
Mrs. AuntBea I forgot my report at home, can I print it out here?
One month in, "Mom, can you give me and my friend a pass out of Swim today? NO! Get outta here, I’m trying to work!
There were lines of students, with my kids at the front (directing traffic into my office) to eat lunch, during the rain, since everyone was heating their ramen soups in my microwave!
I had a message board for my students, that was quickly filled by my kids friends and their messages to each other. ex: “Mrs.AuntBea, my Mom says it’s okay for you to drive me home after practice.” WTH???
Could be a manifestation of an affluent parenting trap, if the family spending habits until now caused the kid to believe that there was so much money that $300k for his college would not be an issue.
No junior college (he’s already been accepted to Indiana), and there has never been any suggestion that the student would have to live at home if he attends Purdue. The OP included the cost of R&B in her comments.
@“aunt bea” the college experience for essentially an adult 18-21 is different than a high school teenager. I don’t think is comparable on many levels.
He’s not going to live at home. He’ll live on campus. I have friends whose kids went to Purdue and they’ve barely seen them.
I get why it’s boring to be in the same town , but it’s not like he did serious research and had a list of 15 schools, just to be out of here. He wanted Northwestern and aside from that applied to Purdue , IU and IUPUI. That was it. Before this summer all the talk was Purdue. Then , after the NWU rejection, he talked to his friends and decided it would be cool to go to New York or Boston because Purdue is boring and IU is insulting. If he wanted so much to be out of here, I would have heard more about that before. I did make a list and tried to sit down with him, but he scoffed at it and rolled his eyes. So, he should be soooo lucky to get accepted into Purdue.
He has very strong extracurriculars and they are real , with real time and passion put into them. Chose to do that which led to lower gpa. I couldn’t get through to him that stats come first for colleges. He insisted that they’ll want someone like him not the kids who have just the stats. Told him you have to have it all and walk on water dude, maybe stop some of that stuff , have some balance . He said he’s not a resume builder and he’ll do what excites him . This is what led him to the job he’ll start soon.
Oh well, maybe if he doesn’t get into Purdue it’s going to become clear that GPA comes first and heed that advice for the college career and work at the classes more . He’s a smart kid and I think he’ll be successful but it’s not the type to only focus on studying. He wants to do “great things “ outside the classroom. I personally think he’d be a better fit for the business school , but he taught himself to code starting age 12 and wants that. We will see
There’s no running in the guilt thing. You go with the expensive college that you know you and husband cannot comfortably baffled and something he is not really in board to do, and you’ll feel guilt, there may be resentment and you are going to be out a lot of money. Not to mention that if some monetary emergency or issue crops up, and they tend to dos so, it’s going to cause tension, stress, more guilt as well as possible harmful consequences. Having a bit of a cushion financially can make a world of difference when tough times hit. When you are on a precarious financial balance, any problem can tip a family into a disastrous pit.
I bet your son is also falling into the trap of the “local school” being too familiar. We live in Evanston, so close to Northwestern that there is a blue light emergency call box on our street. Our neighborhood is filled with NU profs and grads. One guess as to where their kids would HATE to go to school?
I think it’s great that your son already has his IU acceptance. He’ll be OK no matter what! You will be too!
The one big wake up call when my D went to Purdue was how many kids still had to take out loans and are working their tails off to get to attend. It’s eye opening for her, and she’s much more appreciative of what she has.
@nicole20 this kiddo has already been accepted at IU which is within the family price point. And as noted above…no one…not even the parent…suggested that the kid needed to live at home if he went to Purdue.
My DD went to a college with 5000 students. My best friend is her surrogate parent and happens to work at the same college. My kid had to make appointments to see my friend. They never inadvertently ran into one another…not one time in four years. And the campus was a really tiny fraction of the size of Purdue.
My S20 is already seeing that among his friends. He was surprised to learn how many of their parents refuse to contribute anything at all for college. We’re looking pretty good to him right now. We even had an entire conversation with him the other day. I think 10 sentences were exchanged.
Just a note on ED at NYU. One, on the salary numbers yes you’d be full pay, or very close. But two, your son’s stats are not a slam dunk for NYU. Gpa is roughly on target, SAT is in the range but below average (last year median admitted SAT was 1480), CS probably recruits more at the higher end, there would have been an ED boost though so it’s a toss-up - you just may have helped your son dodge the bullet of another disheartening rejection by not allowing him to apply there. That should help dispel any lingering guilt which the rest of the thread hasn’t managed to dissipate yet.
I think this is a very important point too often ignored. Parents (despite what FAFSA/CSS thinks) are under no legal/moral obligation to pay for their children’s college education.
If we choose to do so and have a particular budget to do so that is truly a gift to them.
@cypresspat. That’s funny if it’s what I think it means. It gets better. After my sons first year in college he actually speaks in full sentences… Lol. After the second year he carries on a conversation and now the third year he actually asks how we are doing like he really cares. ?.. Even asks multiple questions about things we are doing. Crazy… Lol…
@BluEyeL – I’m late to this thread but I have two comments – both borne of experience.
You very likely dodged a bullet when your DS was rejected from his dream school, simply because of his past history and relaxed attitude toward academics in high school. With college admissions being what it is these days, the elite schools like Northwestern are filled with extremely competitive & ambitious kids. They have worked their tails off to get the top stats needed for admission, and most continue to do so in their college years --- as they all tend to have highly ambitious post-college goals as well. So there's a fit problem -- your son's more relaxed attitude may very well be better for his future happiness, but it's a good chance it might have created problems in college if he wasn't ready to rise to the occasion. I have a son who almost flunked out of a fancy private college, simply because he wasn't able to up his game to the extent needed -- and he found out too late that he couldn't slack off and slide by the way he could in high school. He had fun (partied), but just couldn't manage to finish all of his assignments in all of his classes on time. And I have a daughter who was one of those competitive, ambitious types who ran headlong into the first "C" she had ever seen in her life on first-semester college midterm, panicked, and then did up her game tremendously --so for her, the extra $$$ spent were well worth it --- but for my son, it was money down the drain, except to the extent that it represented an overall life-lesson learning experience for us all. I'm not saying that your son would have struggled at NWU -- just that it is a very possible outcome and some kids are a lot better off with a college choice that affords a lot more flexibility (for example, where a shift of major and a delay of a semester or so to completion isn't financially overwhelming). As frustrating as it seems, your current H and your ex might be right to realize that your son needs to be more grounded in his college choice.
Again, from personal experience, your son's potential job with a nonprofit is a wonderful opportunity, especially if it involves traveling and living away from home. My son quit college after 2 years, worked for nonprofits that sent him to several different cities over time, and then returned to a state public very much the better for his life experience. He was more mature & focused, and excelled in school going forward. Nothing magical about it being a nonprofit, but sometimes the nonprofit world offers opportunities in terms of work responsibility that aren't available in the profit world, simply because there isn't competition with more experienced and more highly educated people who don't want to work for what the nonprofits pay. Also if he does end up at Purdue, the experience of living away from home for his job for 9 months will provide a good opportunity for him to stretch his wings, and for you and him to reset your relationship before he returns to once again live in the same town. He'll feel more independent and grown-up, less like he is limited in some way by parental proximity.
I’d add that working for a nonprofit might also put him with a peer group that will provide some balance to his previously, privileged world-view. He may come to have a very different, more appreciative view of the funding you are willing to provide if he spends some time working among other young people who are coming from different backgrounds and expectations.
NYU & Boston U sound like fantasies that he never really was all that serious about Keep in mind that your son is still seeing things through a teenager's eyes -- Boston and NYC sound like glamorous and exciting cities to be in, but in the end college is college. If your son is already looking at a job that will likely take him to another state, then it is quite possible that he will have opportunities to travel during college as well, during the summers and perhaps for a semester or even a year either abroad or with an exchange to a different campus.
@momofsenior1… It’s a great point. Both my kids see this daily. My daughters friends that graduated last year some are working second jobs to help pay off their loans and not fall behind. My kids are also very appreciative of what we have done so far. We “are” having them both take back some loans. Just a very long conversation I just had with my wife on this subject
This way they will have some skin in the game per se. They both have worked all 3/4 years (depending on which kid) and surprisingly saved a nice amount of money. Both will have the ability to handle the loans left. My son will easily be able to with an engineering degree. My daughters field could lend itself to be harder at first but we will keep tabs on that.
Actually, NYU has a little game they play with applicants whose stats aren’t quite up to meeting their admission standards for their more coveted schools. They will often offer an alternative admission into one of their overseas programs-- I do think that offer releases the student from the ED commitment, but for a full-pay family worried about finances, it’s another enticing prize being dangled. The kid who has been turned away from their first choice school is now being enticed with the opportunity to spend their first year of college in London or Paris or Florence, in the “Global Studies” program – which might indeed be a wonderful opportunities for kids with an international bent whose parents can easily afford the associated costs. But if that’s not the case – then it’s potentially one more source of family strife – especially if there is a stepfather in the picture who really could pay if only he can be convinced of what an extraordinary opportunity this represents.