<p>In the context of sharing joyful news with others, I think it is important to share IN the joyful news of others as well. If you are a keen listener (of coworkers, family members) and truly share in their joy, they will be more likely to want to share in yours at the appropriate time. When I see in our local paper that a coworker’s child is a valedictorian, or National Merit Semifinalist, I will often cut out the article and put it on that coworker’s desk with a note of congratulations, or send them a brief email saying that I noticed. I really am happy for them and try to listen and remember what is going on in the lives of their children. </p>
<p>There is one woman at work (boorish woman) who brags about her child endlessly. The girls is accomplished (as are many others) but the mom constantly tells everyone (can’t remember who she has told) and never remembers anything about the families of the people she is talking to. People run the other direction when they see her coming.</p>
<p>I think if you know your audience, are sensitive, and don’t say it more than once, it is safe to brag a bit.</p>
<p>Also - when this topic came up once in our home - my son (who doesn’t play sports) pointed out that kids who played sports get to have their stats published in the local paper each Saturday morning while if an academic kid shares his test scores it’s considered bragging. Food for thought. (He doesn’t share BTW).</p>
<p>Personally, I don’t like it when people brag about their kids. In truth I think it is usually done to feel superior to someone else or lots of other people. Can’t you enjoy your kid’s success with your kid and your immediate family? In truth, a college acceptance is just that. Did she win the Nobel prize or find a cure for cancer? There is always someone who did even more that you or your kid, and this is what I find to be teachable. I am not a “pumper” and I don’t ask people all the details of their kids’ college acceptances etc., as many seem to do. I don’t go around telling people all about my D’s accomplishments either. Many people have great sorrows that they don’t go around telling you, and they suffer in silence. Your bragging may just rub salt in their wounds. To those whom much is given, much is expected.</p>
<p>And since you asked, congrats to your D, but you seem like you are fishing for compliments, and also a bit out of touch. Did it ever occur to you that some people are bursting with pride that their kid graduated from Directional state U? or was the first in the family to go to college or graduate HS in this country? The list goes on.</p>
<p>Enjoy the moment – but yes, do be aware that many kids worked very hard and weren’t as lucky. If only all children were admitted to their dream schools, could afford to attend, and had a clear idea of what they wanted to do while there!</p>
<p>Years ago, while at some spring sporting event, I ran into a mom whose son had just gone through the college process. I asked if he had plans for the fall - I truly had no clue what her kid was like as a student. She lowered her eyes, blushed a bit and said he was going to a ‘school in New Hampshire.’ I said, “How wonderful for him” and with that the gun went off for whatever race was going on. This mom was so upset that she didn’t get to say Dartmouth. She started to gesticulate wildly and scream, “Dartmouth, Dartmouth! He’s going to Dartmouth.”
So, like sevmom, I think that all this is such BS. Just say you’re very happy about Cambridge and move along. It’s a college acceptance for heaven’s sake!</p>
<p>I’m curious as to where’s the middle ground in this type of situation? While it is boorish to break the news in ways which are obviously bragging(i.e. Dartmouth! Dartmouth! Post or for the sake of feeling superior), is merely disclosing one’s/one’s child’s college plans once in a joyful yet factual manner (“Oh, she’s going to Harvard this fall.” and moving on to another related/mutually interesting topic) should also be considered so boorish?</p>
<p>While I agree with the former, having to suppress the latter feels too much like having to step on eggshells at the risk of emotional blackmail.</p>
<p>Either extreme IMO is not very optimal and if it involves a “friend”…one may very well need to find more congenial ones. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Agreed. However, how far should one go to account for the feelings of such kids/parents? </p>
<p>Should those who gained admission to an elite college attempt to avoid even a factual mentioning of it altogether?</p>
<p>I’m curious as I don’t necessarily feel the contortions commonly mentioned here of “I go to school in Boston” or trying to divert the conversation to a different topic that is “less likely to cause offense” on the perception of the elite college student/graduate or his/her parents is necessarily any better or conducive to healthy relationships among family and friends.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine that family members would share the same joy as you. It may seem like that because they respond with kind words, but they are probably not actually sincere, especially if you call them just to tell them about your daughter. As others have said, maybe telling grad parents is okay, but bringing it up to cousins/siblings is crossing the line. Everyone wants to talk about themselves, so if you call them to talk about yourself you’re really not meeting the other persons desired and you’re probably annoying them.</p>
<p>Many years ago I had a BF who was from Beverley Hills. When people would ask him where he was from, there would inevitably be a long Q&A dance. California. Oh, which part? Southern CA. Oh, which part? LA. Oh, which part? Muttered: Beverley Hills. Oh, that’s nice.</p>
<p>No one would have fallen over in shock and awe if he just spat out BH in the first place and went on with the conversation. Reminds me of a freshman at H I met a few years ago who went through a similar song and dance before revealing that she came from Scarsdale. Big deal. I come from New Canaan, and Scarsdale doesn’t awe me. </p>
<p>If someone asks where you kid is going to school, simply tell them and move on. Don’t make a big deal of it either way. If they can’t handle it, that’s their problem.</p>
<p>Join the ranks of people who brag via understatement. You’ve heard about the wealthy Victorians who had “cottages” in Newport, Rhode Island, right? “My cottage by the sea” really meant “My ten-thousand square foot mini-palace with a butler.” Find the university equivalent of that: “My daughter is going abroad for school. She’s so excited to live in an English-speaking country. Of course, I will miss her terribly.”</p>
<p>Always have something nice to say about someone else’s school (or their child’s school). Like, genuinely nice. It smooths out any rough edges in conversation.</p>
<p>Finally, remember that there is always someone smarter or more accomplished out there, and that you don’t want to do the peacock strut in front of someone whom (unbeknownst to you) makes your entire family, your D included, look like underachievers. </p>
<p>When I met my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, who had the same liberal arts major that I did, she started this whole “I’m such a smarty-smart, and I’m going to ask you to live up to my smarty-smart standards” routine. I answered her inane questions about my classes, then, bored of the topic, finally said, “I didn’t take the major that seriously; it was my second major, and I wedged it around my primary major, taking whatever classes fit into my schedule.”
Jane, a bit snottily: “What was your other major?”
Me: “Chemical engineering.”
Jane’s face fell. “Are you still doing that now?”
Me: “No, I’m an attorney.”
Jane: “You also went to law school?”
Me: “Yep.” </p>
<p>I have a group of friends who all take enormous joy in the accomplishments of each other’s kids. They are just as happy on the rare occasion that my son passes a test in Italian as I am. And I sit on pins and needles for their kids’ MCAT scores and do the the fist pump when they are great. I guess I am lucky. However, there were some moms that I avoided when high schol acceptances came around because I call them the “zero sum group” whose members see every achievement or blessing to someone else as one less for their kids. I have no patience for that. My jazz kid got his dream acceptance. So did her marching band kid. I see that a the perfect outcome. She has to tear my kid down. Whatever.</p>
<p>These threads always baffle me a bit, and I think it’s because of my geographic region. Everyone here wants to know where everyone is going, everyone shares the information and their excitement, and everyone is excited about everyone’s future plans, beit trade school, community college, military, regional college, state flagship, great private school, or in rare cases an ivy.</p>
<p>Most people are kind, happy for themselves and others - keep it low key and move on.</p>
<p>Most people here are mainly excited about the next step in adulthood - no matter which school it is.</p>
<p>So this kind of preoccupation with sensitivity about the information and all that surrounds it…I just don’t get it.</p>
<p>Agree with pizzagirl, blossom and zoosermom too.</p>
<p>I think it’s one thing to share with one’s inner circle- the highs and the lows. That’s part of the bonding. I don’t have easy answers for the part where we “need” to let the rest of them know. Especially when our triumph outdoes theirs and can leave them feeling lesser. Or that we may be positioning ourselves above them. But yes, when I hear others’ good news, it’s congrats to them and something nice to say, always.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, I think I’ll always remember your tale. Two great guys. A smile-maker.</p>
<p>Me: (interjecting something into her long litany about who they entertained or were entertained by, few of whom I know, what rehearsals she drove to, what performances she attended, etc) Well, we haven’t been up to much. S was in a track meet last night, and since he was running in the last event we didn’t get home until 11. [note that I refrained from adding info about his performance, win or lose]</p>
<p>Sib: D was at a track meet last week and winning everything, I might add. [this is a direct quote, graven in my memory] </p>
<p>Believe me, after years of this you would be less than thrilled to hear about the latest accomplishments of The Princess. :D</p>
<p>But I agree: always have something nice to say about the school, no matter what. It really isn’t difficult. Don’t be like my friend who asked me where S was going, and then broke into a long rant about how horrible all of the undergrads there were.</p>
<p>Mind if I steal this? I have a zero-sum acquaintance, “Susan,” who gets worse and worse every year. I ran into her at the grocery store last fall when our sons were in their first semester of college. They had been friends since grade school and their HS girlfriends were best friends, so they all hung out in the same social circle. Susan and I used to be friends, until it got to be too unpleasant and I had to start avoiding her. So she starts in about Joey this, Joey that and I see how long I can go without her asking about my son. Once she realizes she has to, she pretends not to know where he goes to college and then sets up the zero-sum scenario by dissing the entire region of the country where his school is located. I am able to slip in a “he is really happy there” before she expertly steers the conversation back to her son and his GF, who are still together and attending the same university. I am somehow able to mention how my son’s former GF loves her college and how she is keeping up with her art even as a biology major. (This is something anyone who knew my son’s GF should be happy to hear–she is really talented and just a lovely person.) But we can’t have that in the zero-sum world, so Susan actually says, “well, Joey’s GF is still doing art too, and she is a much better artist than Grace!” I resist the urge to say, “well, I evaluate creative work for a living and I believe Grace is genuinely gifted…there’s a reason she has been able to sell her work already” so I just move on through the paper-towel aisle and vow never to get stuck talking to Susan again if I can help it.</p>
<p>Sally, I would be honored if my phrase was useful to you. I coined it for my sister. This is what she is like - imagine you were wandering through the desert. You are in imminent danger of dying of thirst. Suddenly you see in front of you the end of the desert and there sits my sister in a lounge chair with two large glasses of iced water. You are crawling and you can make it to her. She has finished her drink and is chilling there with the other glass. You reach out your arm and she pours out the entire glass on the ground. Because it doesn’t matter to her if she has a nice glass of water. It only matters that you don’t. Se begrudges everyone everything, even things she doesn’t want or need.</p>
<p>Sally! Oh my goodness! Avoid Susan at all costs! Hahahaha, what a piece of work! See that’s just RUDE. </p>
<p>It’s not that she’s merely sharing information about her son - she’s going on and on, she’s comparing her son and his GF to others, etc. with no regard to anyone else, or even taking an interest in the person she’s talking to. THAT is rude.</p>
<p>Pretty much everyone I know avoids her at this point. I could also tell you stories about how “perfect Joey” really doesn’t deserve the adulation. This is the kid who got suspended for bringing alcohol into a football game (Susan and her husband blamed “the cute girl who got him to do it”) and was kicked out of the SAT for cheating (“but he wasn’t actually cheating, he just went back to finish the previous section”). Yet he is just SO fabulous that no other child compares. She had done the “we’re looking at schools in the Bay Area” thing before making sure everyone knew he was for sure Stanford material. When I saw her after he got rejected she said “it’s a good thing he didn’t get in because we couldn’t have afforded it anyway!” The older I get, the less patience I have for people like this, unfortunately.</p>
<p>zoosermom, your sister seems like a real piece of work. Is she the one with the daughter who was getting married? I seem to recall another awful story about her.</p>