<p>^^But, on a thread about the payoff decision, you might sure mention your experience. On a thread about some kid struggling to find the last 5k, you wouldn’t gloat. </p>
<p>Something else- they can’t read us, but we can’t read them. Someone who snaps at our post may be in a pothole they didn’t reveal. All this forum stuff can be great for one-shot questions, but works better when the players have some context beyond that.</p>
<p>Following Quantmech’s excellent example, I am ready to adopt some honorary cousins.</p>
<p>There is a certain hubris in assuming people would be upset about your grand news, because there’s a comparison going on before a word is spoken. If I am irritated at college news, perfect grandbaby news, lovely exotic vacation news, you assume it is jealousy or envy or despair (because my life is judged less awesome from where you’re sitting, so naturally you assume I am those things)</p>
<p>Maybe you are just boring. Maybe I’m tired. Maybe I’m wondering if I let the dog out or the iron on. Maybe I came from chemo or a funeral or counseling. Maybe my kid did something wonderful too — but by crowing (made up example!) about “she has worked so hard to get this scholarship” I’m assuming you don’t want to hear about our efforts to pay the bill. Grownups worry waaaaay too much about getting or giving the “right” feedback. </p>
<p>And if you haven’t been scolded on CC, you aren’t trying hard enough! I love everyone’s varied perspective --</p>
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<p>Really? You really want to say this? </p>
<p>Certainly explains a lot.</p>
<p>A rich man doesn’t need to tell you he’s rich.</p>
<p>If you are worried that you are bragging about your daughter, then why not only discuss it when someone else asks you about her?</p>
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<p>Except that very often people <em>are</em> upset by other people’s grand news. The comparison is being made by those who get upset. The compassion is coming from the people who chose not to upset them. YMMV, of course.</p>
<p>I find that the ones getting upset are the people sharing their news and see that others are not as impressed as hoped for.</p>
<p>The words “gloating” and “obsession” ( from the first post) are emotionally loaded and probably raised some eyebrows here; but this might have been more private than “out there.” We certainly know public gloating when we see it. Those are the folks we hide from in the produce section (thereby removing the opportunity for mere bragging/celebrating). :D</p>
<p>For those who just can’t get enough of this topic: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/821305-boasting-parents-affecting-friendships.html?highlight=bragging[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/821305-boasting-parents-affecting-friendships.html?highlight=bragging</a> was an enlightening thread from a few years back. One of the things I gleaned from it is that it’s possible to brag obnoxiously, even if the listener is coming from a place of envy and mean-spiritedness; i.e., even if someone is jealous of your success, you* still* might be obnoxious in how you tell the world about it. It’s also possible for someone to share good news in the most low-key, matter-of-fact way imaginable, and someone somewhere will still consider it bragging. Treading lightly is a good idea.</p>
<p>Well, some of us have relatives or acquaintances that we know react weirdly to good news–this is, unfortunately, not that uncommon when it comes to news about kids’ achievements, especially when those other people have kids that may not be doing as well. Some of these people it’s best just not to tell. With others, you can tell, but you have to be very low-key about it.</p>
<p>In my church, people share prayer concerns, but also good news. Last week, somebody shared that a friend learned that despite initial concerns, the baby she was expecting did not have Downs’ Syndrome. The person sharing this clearly felt that it was somewhat awkward sharing this, and gave a disclaimer that a Downs’ baby is a blessing, etc. So, tact is needed in sharing any kind of news, good or bad.</p>
<p>Hunt in the case of the new parents, I don’t think they should have felt awkward at all.
Children are a blessing, no matter the concerns they bring with them, but as even an exceedingly healthy and unremarkable child brings challenges, I can’t imagine anyone who would hope their child had a genetic anomaly or chronic concern.</p>
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Oh, I agree. But I could almost hear the mind working of the person announcing this: “If I say that this person got the wonderful news that their child won’t have Downs’ Syndrome, will that hurt the feelings of people in this congregation who have relatives who have Downs’ Syndrome?”</p>
<p>And before you tell a relative or friend the wonderful news that your child was accepted to Harvard, it might pay to recall whether that relative’s kid was rejected from Harvard, or had other college-related disappointments. That may temper how you share the news, or whether you share it at all with that person.</p>
<p>My life is also filled with high, high’s and low, low’s. I’m a private person so I don’t generally share a lot with folks, but word does travel. Right now, my high is that my son is going to Harvard in four weeks which we’re very happy about. My low is that my stage 4 cancer looks to have recurred yet again. Maybe I have perspective, but I really don’t discuss either one with too many people. BUT, my 86 year old mother does. … I believe she may have lost a few friends from all the incessant bragging about my son going to Harvard. In fact, my brother complains to me about her bragging about it. I advise her to stop but she feels that it’s a grandparent’s "right’ to do so. I feel like it reflects poorly on me.</p>
<p>Viewer, so sorry about the low- and congrats for the high. </p>
<p>If we’re talking about hiding in the produce section, I think we mean folks who pounce. Or the ones mentioned earlier, who never listen to us or are mercilessly competitive. Not our next door neighbor who says, “Oh, did you hear?” Over time, among friends and family, when there’s reciprocity we don’t hide. We don’t count to make sure things are even, we feel it. That’s different.</p>
<p>Viewer, so sorry for your bad news. All you can do about your mother is tell your sibs that you’ve asked her to stop, but she won’t, and that it makes you uncomfortable. If they are not big enough to absolve YOU of blame, then that is their problem.</p>
<p>I don’t think one should go out of their way to chase down everyone on the street to brag, but if the person in the next office to you or the person down the block or the person in your house of worship has been aware that your child is going through the college process, it seems awkward and slightly not obnoxious to not tell them if it comes up in normal conversation. Of if someone says, like I would, that I would be rooting for a happy outcome and please let me know, you should let them know. I would also hope to be the kind of person with whom others would know that they could share the not-so-good news and get support and kindness.</p>
<p>Viewer,</p>
<p>Congratulations on your S’ accomplishments and best wishes for you to overcome your current medical condition. :)</p>
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<p>This is really dependent on the culturally defined boundaries each of us were raised with/end up developing ourselves as we go through life.</p>
<p>From my perspective, it’s strange to have that expectation as whether the person wants to share some information about an aspect of their/their family’s life is his/her’s to decide…and no one else. IMO, if the person’s not ready to share the information, it’s better to live and let live and wait until he/she’s ready to share it of his/her own accord. </p>
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<p>I also want to be the type of person someone could share both good/bad news without reservation. However, I don’t want them to feel it is an obligation or a matter of maintaining polite etiquette on their part.</p>
<p>Thank you for the good wishes. This is my second recurrence. I’ve been dealing with cancer for seven years. This latest news is only a week old. I’ve only told my immediate family and my online cancer support group. Treatment won’t be starting for awhile so therefore I don’t feel the need to be telling people right now. I have to digest the news myself. It’s beginning to feel like old crappy news.</p>
<p>People around town found out about Harvard from my son and his friends and then they reached out to me. If someone new asks where my son is going to college I tell them, but I never bring it up. It’s really more my son’s news than mine.</p>
<p>HUGS. HUGS. HUGS.</p>
<p>But switching topics…as insensitive as it may seem…</p>
<p>I had a hard time getting pregnant. There is a special connection among women who have fertility problems. At long last, after 3 years of trying, I was…GASP… pregnant.</p>
<p>My best friend at the time, who was my college roommate, got married a year after I did. She too had problems conceiving. It was especially hard because she was a pediatrician. She had to hold all these newborns while her heart was breaking. She got to listen to all these moms who were less than thrilled because they didn’t think they’d get pregnant “so fast” or didn’t want another kid “right now.” </p>
<p>Believe me, telling her my good news was hard. I wrote her rather than calling. Guess what? On the day my letter arrived, she’d just found out she too was pregnant. So, she was able to join in my happiness.</p>
<p>Fast forward to our 40th reunion. My kid’s spouse had just been selected as chief resident. I shared the joyous news. The son my old roommate found out she was expecting the day she opened my letter had just been rejected from medical school…again…I had not known he had even applied.</p>
<p>I really wished I hadn’t “bragged.” But…I really didn’t mean to brag. I was just happy.</p>
<p>So, cut some slack for happy parents who share good news.</p>
<p>I always step back and ask myself what my motive is for sharing the news. Usually that tells me that I don’t need to.</p>
<p>What was your motive in that case?</p>
<p>Positive thoughts to you, Viewer, and congratulations to your son. It’s good he is not going far away for college at a time when you might need him (and he might feel he wants to be with you as much as possible).</p>
<p>As for your mom, that is a choice she is making and there’s not much you can do. My 83-year-old dad has ended friendships with people who have become bores or boors. Your mom may have to lose a few friends before she realizes that people do not enjoy the one-sided bragging. I don’t know your mom, obviously, but the carrying on may also be part of her coping mechanism regarding your illness.</p>