<p>I disagree based on what the OP posted. It sounds like the D us being walked all over by the roommate and will not stand up for herself and make her own decisions. </p>
<p>An adult would handle this on their own and not ask for Mommy help multiple times. At what point does a young adult stand in their own two feet? 18? 20? 22?</p>
<p>I see all the time young adults that are so used to their parents being involved in every aspect of their lives that they cannot do without it. Parents calling the college, parents calling the child’s boss!</p>
<p>They need to stand on their own two feet. It just sounds to me like a college Junior that cannot deal with their own roommate problem needs to have the cord cut. Advise was given once. Now the message needs to be “you are a big girl, solve this”.</p>
<p>Look back at the OP. Most sentences start with “we”. Hmm…</p>
<p>I had roommate issues in college. I dealt with them myself. I never in a million years would have asked my parents for help. </p>
<p>I have a couple questions.
Initially the " mean" girl was the fifth wheel.
I wonder why the added person would have such a dominating affect as to have three girls move out and the fourth barely hanging on.</p>
<p>Why didnt the four girls establish ground rules , it must have been a pita to move mid year.
I dont think the situation as it currently stands is worth maintaining</p>
<p>Iron Maiden, Just because you are posting on a bulletin board is no excuse to be patronizing and rude. This is the parents forum, not the students. On this forum we act like grown-ups and say things kindly. Telling the OP that her daughter needs to stand up for herself is one thing but lecturing her about parenting skills is out of line.</p>
<p>To the OP - I agree with everyone that says that your daughter needs to re-state to the roommate that she will be staying in the house, in her room, for the rest of this school year. However, if I were you I would strongly suggest that she look for another place next year. Most colleges offer private rooms with suite style housing for upperclassman. If she’s not doing much besides sleeping in the room anyway that might work out just as well.</p>
<p>What kathiep said… Iron Maiden- we are on here because we care about our kids and we hurt when they hurt. We are adults and try to give advice. We aren’t perfect and sometimes we ARE more involved than we should be. That’s better than not giving a damn.</p>
<p>Iron Maiden, my h and I still consult with OUR parents on issues and we’re in our 50s. Never underestimate the viewpoint of an older interested and caring party.</p>
<p>Tired, I would try to find out as others have said the background/history of mean girl with this house. Getting a lock is a great suggestion as well, I wouldn’t trust mean girl at all.</p>
<p>She has a room, she has a lease. If it were my daughter I’d say
get a lock for your door.
if mean girl goes in and tries to move your stuff out, call the police.
Otherwise ignore mean girl. Each girl signed a lease with the landlord for her room. If mean girl thinks that daughter should be paying more for her room, mean girl should take this up with the landlord. ;)</p>
<p>Meanwhile, I would tell D to keep an eye out for a more friendly place to live, and if one comes up, email all four roommates and ask if any of them have a friend who would like to take over my room/my lease. No sense staying there if it is unpleasant. But of course she does not have to leave!</p>
<p>If my D were involved in a rental/landlord/roommate drama like this, my husband and I would definitely be advising her. My daughter is 20, so she’s an adult, but she’s never had a lease before, and we have! :)</p>
<p>I wonder if this problem is a matter of perspective.</p>
<p>Could it be that when OPDD does–“her chores”–they do not contribute to the household? (does she really get up and clean the bathroom? do the dishes? bring out the trash? sort the recycling? mop the kitchen floor? Grocery shop?)</p>
<p>MG is certainly not handling things well, but maybe she has legit gripes with OPDD.</p>
<p>My DD only has one roommate who seldom is home. She will use a dish or two and leave them in the sink (nothing major, just repeatedly), has never vacuumed, never cleaned her bathroom (thankfully they do not share–DD will probably end up cleaning it when the lease is up just to get the deposit back :rolleyes:), took the room with the huge closet (which she uses a fraction of) leaving DD (who is OOS and could really use the space, while roommate is local enough to go home for her mom to do her laundry once a month) with the room with the small closet. Roomie buys no food and, with DD’s permission, helps herself to a bit here or there (which is ok), but then doesn’t fully close the ziploc bag the cheese is kept in or doesn’t fully replace the lid to the OJ. The roomie is never around to walk home with DD–even if they’ve been together at a party. DD doesn’t like the situation and sometimes asks roomie to do the dishes or take out the trash and roomie complies. DD has accepted that roomie is selfish, spoiled, and immature–it just doesn’t occur to her that she should be doing any of these things–but has other more likable qualities. DD will never room with her again, but values her friendship enough to put up with the annoyances until the lease is up in June–and forces herself to ask for help when it’s starting to really get to her.</p>
<p>If DD didn’t like her roomie and had no rapport with her (they were roomies and best friends in the dorm last year), I could see her handling things a lot differently. Could something like this be going on? Last year MG was odd one out; this year OPDD is. Could this be a matter of “turnabout is fairplay?”</p>
<p>My son has also had to deal with all sorts of roommate/housemate problems along the way. It’s not always easy! As a parent we try and help from the sidelines cheering our children on and helping them sort out difficulties. I think your D should try and find a more friendly place to live as soon as she is able per her lease agreement. No one wants to live in a hostile environment.</p>
<p>No one wants to live in a hostile environment, so my opinion is your daughter need to figure out if she can win here. As the longest tenant, she probably has the most established relationship with the landlord. Can she line up a group for the other rooms and go negotiate with the landlord now?</p>
<p>If not, while I do agree to standing up to bullies, in her place I would not want to spend senior year living with mean girl and her friends. </p>
<p>I do have to agree with the poster who suggested the other girls may have a problem with what she does or does not do around the house. By your description, she is only there to sleep. It would feel odd to have a roommate that is not part of the community if the others have formed one. This of course gives them no excuse to try and force her out, but it is helpful to put yourself in their shoes in trying to address the situation successfully.</p>
<p>“An adult would handle this on their own and not ask for Mommy help multiple times. At what point does a young adult stand in their own two feet? 18? 20? 22?”</p>
<p>I’m a homeowner in my 30s, and I regularly call both parents for advice dealing with roommate issues, IRS problems, etc. I don’t intend to stop seeking (and following) their advice at any age. I’m deeply grateful to have wise parents who want to help me and are still healthy enough to do so. Both of my feet are on the ground.</p>
<p>hmom5 made a really good point. Is she being mean or does she and the rest have ulterior motive? It seems that they prefer to have a new girl move in to be their roommate and they are applying pressure to make that happen. Your D needs to assess the ramification of pushing back and forcing their hands and stay at this place. She can be successful and getting to stay at this place but is it worth living with these people for another year? Maybe this is just small incidents that will blow over once your daughter stays her ground, but if it is a lot more than that, moving on to a new place if it is not that difficult might be better. I don’t think it is good for mental health for anyone to have to be in a potential abusive situation alone against a bunch of roommates days in and days out for an extended period of time.</p>
<p>I never said that children should not consult their parents or ask for advice. What I strongly object to is the same level of parental involvement in college and beyond as their was when the child was <18. These types of issues should be up to the student to resolve. </p>
<p>It is a slippery slope from helping your college age kid with minor day-to-day things to calling your child’s boss to compain they don’t get along with their cube neighbor at work. I’ve seen it happen firsthand. </p>
<p>I guess the difference of opinion is that I expect a college student to be self-sufficient. Ask for advice regarding a lease? Sure, because you’ve never had to deal with one before. Asking for help multiple times to deal with a roommate issue? Uh, no. </p>
<p>No offense was intended but if you ask for help on a public forum you should be tolerant of differing opinions. I just think as a society we’ve raised a generation of children
who are non self-sufficient and have an entitlement mentality.</p>
<p>If it were my D, I would suggest she find a more welcoming environment once her lease is up. It’s just not worth it to stay, IMO.</p>
<p>As long as her lease is still active & cannot be broken, though, your D has not only the right but the obligation to remain in the house. She needs to be upfront with the mean girl & let her know that she has a legal right & obligation to stay for the remainder of her lease. Let her know that she intends to honor the lease. If it were ME, I would also ask what SPECIFICALLY is her issue with me being there - I would tell her I want her to outline her issues with me. I would want her to squirm & have to put her meanness in writing. But that’s just me. I don’t think my D would do that! If she were to ask, she might find out that she isn’t pulling her weight, as others have mentioned (vacuuming or other maintenance-type stuff) … or she might find that the mean girl is truly just a mean girl. If it’s the first, it might be good for her to hear that. If it’s the second, it would make it easier for your D to say good riddance to bad rubbish.</p>
<p>This just sounds like a bully who wants her buddies to have the house to themselves. She sounds like a spoiled brat. I wouldn’t want to stay.</p>
<p>I still ask my mom for advice, LOL. But I see Iron’s point, every conversation with DD should end with “…this is what I would do, but you decide what’s best”</p>
<p>I would advise to look for a nicer living arrangement. If one can’t be found, I would stand up to the bully (by email) and let her know that she’s not going anywhere and that she should deal with it. Beware, though: girls can really get mean and nasty. Be ready.</p>
<p>I have had similar bad experiences with every roommate I’ve ever had. This is one of the main reasons why having to live and share space with other people is #1 on my top 10 list of things I hate in the world. Sometimes people are horrible and there is just nothing you can do but wait it out or try to move but then you are just letting them win by inconveniencing yourself. I can’t wait to get out of my apartment.</p>