<p>Just my points, from reading the thread, it sounds like the complaints are all coming from MG, it sounds like the other 3 girls haven’t said anything to the daughter…if the daughter wasn’t doing her part, you would figure someone else would have said something, but an interesting observation is everything is coming through MG…sounds to me like MG is making decisions for the house, appointing herself house leader or whatever, and the other girls are staying out of it (not surprising, normally a rotten person can cow otherwise decent people). Put it this way, if the daughter somehow were not living up to her responsibilities, the other girls would tell her directly, because they would have nothing to fear from MG, since they would be re-inforcing her angle on things. My guess would be she is jealous that the daughter has a good room, wants it for herself, and also wants her out so she can bring in some pal of hers…if MG was seriously upset about the way the daughter wasn’t holding up something, she would talk to her face to face; someone being like that over e-mail is a bully, it is like the people who demean others on facebook and the like, attacking them by name, trying to ruin their reputation, while doing so under pseudonym, that is not a normal person, someone hurt, that is a bully who doesn’t have the courage to do it to her face. Bullies general have power issues, they have been beaten down, and use bullying to exert control, and e-mail is perfect way to do so. It is easy to give the old ‘there are two sides to any story’, but in this case (albeitly from what I have read) the facts don’t fit it being the daughter’s issue. It sounds a lot of when I was growing up excuses made for bullies in school by far too many, that they were bullies because they had been treated badly at home, etc, were looking for understanding…having dealt with more then a few bullies myself, trying to be nice has about zero percent of working, and most times the only answer for a bully is to confront them and make them back down, or find a way to walk away. </p>
<p>I also find it, as the veteran of roomate situations, a little weird when someone points out the daughter is never there, that she only sleeps there, that it may be her fault because she isn’t creating community, etc. If this were a group of friends who rented a house and were expecting to hang out, maybe, but this isn’t the case, this is a rental situation akin to an apartment house more then anything else, this isn’t a group of freshman in a dorm room who cling together and so forth. By the time kids get to sophomore year and beyond they have lives, boyfriends/girlfriends, jobs, studying, etc, and lead seperate lives. If MG and the other girls have their nose out of joint because D is spending her time away from the place, that doesn’t say a lot about them (in a male share they would be known quite frankly as losers if they expected that of anyone). </p>
<p>As far as giving advice, parents don’t stop being parents when children are grown, and I can understand her mom being upset and worried and trying to figure out how to help. I would hope my son would ask advice, whatever age he is, if he thinks I or my wife could help; they key is advice, which sounds like what the mom was looking to give. Given that a person like MG can turn out to be someone who is emotionally unbalanced potentially, I would be upset for my child’s sake.</p>
<p>I would agree next year is a no no. For this year, my alternatives would be:</p>
<p>1)If she can, find alternate housing if possible, and then tell MG that if she wants her friend to move in, they can talk to the landlord and see if he would be willing to let her break the lease since she has a replacement person (assuming the replacement person passes muster, more on that in a second). I know that probably isn’t easy, but that would put her on the spot.</p>
<p>(One thing I just thought of: If D is paying more for her room, because it is the nicest, MG may be looking to take over her room and still have D pay the full rent; likewise, she may be looking to find a way to have D not come home, and have her friend live in the house will D is still paying rent, it would fit what I have heard).</p>
<p>In any event, this would put MG on the spot, if she would be willing to pay more for D’s room and also work to try and break the lease (obviously, D could only do this if she had another place lined up, like a short term sublet). I have the sneaking suspicion MG is trying to have her cake and eat it too, have D still paying rent but living elsewhere, so she can get her friend in rent free and end up with a great room…wouldn’t be the first time I saw this happen…</p>
<p>2)If she can’t break the agreement, then D needs to talk to MG and lay things out, that she has a lease with the landlord, that she is paying rent so what she does with the room is none of MG’s business, and if she has trouble with D not doing something ask MG what she isn’t doing. It is none of MG’s business if D is there 24/7 or 1 day a week, when you rent a room you have the right to do what you want, as long as you don’t trash anything and keep up with common duties. I would tell her to tell MG that I am going to be here through end of term in may or june, then next year you can do what you want. I also would tell D to save all the e-mail with MG, and I would also advise she write something chronicling events, just to protect herself. I would be willing to bet that odds are MG might grouse and grump and probably be nasty, but won’t go beyond that if confronted, she will probably back down. </p>
<p>I wish her luck, and I agree you have the right to be concerned. Doesn’t mean we interfere with what our kids do, helicopter parenting isn’t a good thing, but giving advice in rough situations is all part of the job; put it this way, in the workplace I don’t hand hold new employees or kids out of college, but I also advise and mentor them if asked or if I think I can help, but I don’t baby them, either, or try to do their jobs or fight their battles, either.</p>