<p>Flipper, like I said, this is not something typical of Indian people, but based on my own family and experiences in south asia (maybe Pakistan is very different and I’m generalizing, but similar culture) servants are generally treated worse there. </p>
<p>For example, the nanny I described is illiterate - she doesn’t have many options for jobs. In America everyone gets free education K-12, they know how to read/write at least, they qualify for minimum-wage jobs. </p>
<p>Like you said, it boils down to employer, but employers there can get away with more. Some choose to treat the maid like a part of the family, others threaten to hit them…
And American doormen in hotels/apartments stand in the air-conditioned lobby, not in the sweltering Indian sun all day Although the doorman situation she described wasn’t really bad. </p>
<p>A lot of the servants are just kids aged 10-16 or so and they get treated pretty harshly for dropping a dish or not dusting properly…I guess my mom’s cousin’s family are just evil :(</p>
<p>What it probably comes down to is a caste system that is worse than any contemporary American racism. There are caste riots in India which result in numerous deaths every year.</p>
<p>Furthermore, this family seems to be OK with that. That is wrong. Very simple.</p>
<p>Your worry/anxiety is just ridiculous. I’m sorry, but this is how the rest of the world outside the pampered, ignorant class in the USA is: Life is hard in India and every other developing country. Of course, a door man has to stand beside the door and open in it all day, but that’s what he is being paid for! A chaffeur has to drive people around and wait for the occupants- that’s his job, that’s how he makes a living- he is paid!!
Although, I agree that treating the help (I don’t like to use the word servants) with respect and kindness is important; but this kind of mistreatment is not rampant in India, not at all. All the moms I know (I’ve lived in India all my life) are very friendly with their domestic help, often understanding and adjusting timings and treating each other with respect.
I think what you should do is be very polite to the help and treat them with respect and do this in front of your bf’s family especially to make them realize their mistake, they will change atleast a little.
Secondly, I get why your bf is like that: Men in India do not deal with the help, it’s usually the women in the house who takes care of the household running and thus the affairs of the help. Hence, the men (your bf) is not accountable, doesn’t really care about the help since he never has to directly interact with them and hence he doesn’t really care if they are mistreated. Over time, if you continously show kindness and respect towards the help (in his presence), I’m sure your bf will change.</p>
<p>I am not an Indian, but hopefully this will help. </p>
<p>First of all, the drivers, doorkeepers, etc. are paid to do their job. If your bf’s family leaves them outside to wait for quite some time, doesn’t offer a cup of tea or anything of that type - it may be a little not nice, but as you said – they are getting paid pretty good by Indian standards. As long as the family doesn’t practice cruelty towards the workers, this is simply a work relationship where a person gets paid for the job (you are likely to meet that in the big U.S. cities, albeit under different weather conditions, which are not human-dependent). If the family actually does practice cruelty, and you know that you are going to be living in the same house, you might want to reconsider the relationship because of the cultural incompatibility.</p>
<p>I think the most important things to you are his family and him. It would be great if you could just sit down and talk over the cultural differences, and what would be expected of you, your potential husband, and the family. It’s especially important if you all decide that you will be living together – you need to make sure that all of the issues are addressed beforehand. </p>
<p>In a nutshell, if your bf is not cruel, and you plan to live with him alone - it’s fine (assuming you have already sorted out possible conflicts related to other cultural differences). If his family plans to live with you, figure out if they are going to control you. If that is the case, I guess it’s up to you what to choose.</p>
<p>You are responding very well to the cultural shock - always try to understand it. In this particular region idea of general human equality is not as developed as in the West, and it will surely keep developing with next generations as your bf said. It’s not a correct/incorrect issue, for traditions in a number of countries (including mine) are often not based on logic, and people use “we have always done it” as a reason to continue doing it. So if you are worried about the state of workers in India - some have it well, some don’t, but the problem will be overcome just as slavery in the U.S.</p>
<p>While my family’s not from India but another SE Asian country, I completely understand where you’re coming from OP. When visiting my dad’s country, I was surprised how the servants were treated. Although they were paid well, given relatively good dwellings by the family, and treated with a modicum of respect, they weren’t allowed to be tipped in case they would run away with the car or something and never come back and were pretty much at the mercy of the family. I would say to the OP not to hold this behavior against the BF. To an extent, the family probably feels that they are helping these people (odd, but true) and probably have no idea how to handle the situation otherwise. I always just slipped the driver a couple dollars and told them how great a job they were doing. Not much, but injecting a little compassion into the circumstances couldn’t hurt, I suppose.</p>
<p>I’m Indian so maybe I can give a different perspective.</p>
<p>The people are paid to do these jobs. They know the problems they’ll have to face and they prepare to deal with those. Also, everyone in India has to deal with the heat. What about the construction workers? They work in much heat and etc, but they do it because it’s their job. However, it’d be nice if he was able to get some water or an umbrella. </p>
<p>There are some extremes, but the majority of Indians treat their servants normally. </p>
<p>OP, I’d only be worried if he were to yell at the servants or abuse them. It’s just part of the culture shock you are experiencing now, but soon you will be many parallels between the US and India.</p>
<p>I too am indian, and i agree with above. I was born and raised in America, so I completely understand how this must come as a shock to you. In my family [in india], we treat servants as a part of our own family, but because there still is a class system, sometimes mistreatment cannot be avoided. But again, like said above you must remember that they are paid, and can easily quit the job if they truly desire. If you feel very strongly about this topic, i highly recommend you talk to you boyfriend once again and just let him know that maybe he should treat his servants a little more…justly.</p>
<p>I don’t really understand where caste system comes here. Maybe things are different in Delhi, but here in south India you can find many servants belonging to the supposedly higher caste groups and loads of rich and rich people in the ‘lower’ caste group. I agree that the caste system is bad in India but here it is more like how you treat your servants regardless of which caste they belong to. Like I said before there are people like that all over the world scattered amongst the good ones. It takes all kind of people to make a world.</p>
<p>The best thing that you can do is treat them the way you would like to and ask your boyfriend to do the same.</p>
<p>I’m Pakistani Canadian/American (born in Canada then moved to U.S) and my grandparents are almost any every other family I have in Pakistan has a ‘servant’. You have to keep in mind though that it is a different country with a different economy and different standards. Most of these servants are well off doing work like this because it gives them a place to stay or an opportunity to support their family. Most servants aren’t even treated as bad (depending on the family). When I would visit Pakistan as a little kid and go to my grandmother’s house, I became close with the servants that worked there because they were treated like family and given clothes, food and shelter by my grandparent’s. I would go with them to market’s, play games with them and even help around with little chores.</p>
<p>Guys … the caste system is about social class, not economic class. </p>
<p>There are poor brahmins and rich shudras. It is religious in nature. In fact, among the servants some will self-segregate because they are of different castes.</p>
<p>Some of the people in here need to realize that India is not as developed and progressed as America. Just two or three generations ago, America still segregated blacks from whites and treated them as sub-human. Get off your high horses acting as if India is committing some egregious crimes and America never has.</p>
<p>India has also eliminated its caste system (legally). It is going to take at least several generations to get rid of unjust social attitudes that have been around for thousands of years (America has been around for what, just over 200?). India is also more densely populated and less economically prosperous than the United States. It is catching up, slowly but surely. It takes a lot of time for attitudes and practices to change. Stop leveling charges against India, as if America is on some moral high ground. In time, India will become more prosperous, caste and class systems will start to dissolve, and social equality and economic freedom will become more numerous.</p>
<p>Rome wasn’t built in a day, and America wasn’t always so “equal”. In fact, it still isn’t; there’s still a lot of intolerance and discrimination today in America. But with each passing generation, we get closer to a better society. Same with India. Just because they are not as far as us (America/the West), does not mean you should or can criticize them. They’re working towards it just like every other developing society. Remember that social mentalities and economies don’t change in a day.</p>
<p>In the US, women are paid less than men. Can we assume your next post will be about how sexual discrimination in the USA consumes society? Or is this phenomenon acceptable because it was the culture you were raised in?</p>
<p>If you paid someone to cut your bushes a certain way, and they cut them a different way, you wouldn’t be upset?</p>
<p>Obviously you don’t order them to guard your house, since they are lawn care workers. However, if you paid someone to guard your house, don’t you think you would get angry if they weren’t doing it?</p>
<p>If you work at a restaurant and give someone the wrong food, don’t you expect some repercussions?</p>
<p>I’m from pak. so we don’t have a caste system. Like the other people said, you should not interfere with how the servants are treated because it will create a scene and also embarass the servants. </p>
<p>The only think you could do is be nice to them. I don’t know about India but my parents always give a lot of money to the servants for taking care of them. It just shows your appreciation. You can also give them your old clothes, makeup, jewelry, etc. Often they will take it and give it to someone they know in need. One of the girls who used to work for my grandma used to take the old magazines and newspapers and sell them. A lot of people help out with medical bills or tuition for schools.</p>
<p>There is one way to decide if people treat their servants well: some people give their servants the same food that they eat while others have servants make their own, cheaper food which does not have any meat,rice, expensive ingredients, etc. That’s like eating steak but telling your servants to eat ramen noodles. But I don’t know how its done in India.</p>
Although the doorman situation she described wasn’t really bad. </p>