<p>^^ exactly</p>
<p>DD is roughly 12 blocks away. A weird dynamic to be so close to home & attending college. I have emailed her a few interesting articles that I came across, but no texting or calling unless she initiates it. She definitely wants very little contact since she is so close to home, unless it’s money matters! </p>
<p>Our daughter never calls or texts. She sends an e-mail about once every two weeks, only after being prompted several times for a “proof of life” communication. Our son e-mails/Skypes/messages every day, sometimes more than once a day. Same parents, different children.</p>
<p>The only time we have called the college to address concerns is when we’ve had a question about tuition or fees, because we are paying the bills. However, if one of our children had a true emergency (extended illness, mental illness diagnosis, victim of a crime, alarming roommate situation, etc.), we would not hesitate to step in.</p>
<p>If you need proof of life, text pictures or a video of the dog. </p>
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<p>It might work a lot better if schools had a reasonable record in dealing with the potential problems of students … left on their own! This does not mean that a school cannot be supportive in case of problems, but their record is hardly sufficient to make parents “feel good” about it or … trust them on any Saturday evening! </p>
<p>In my book, one of the reasons that students call on the parents for “help” is that the schools can be highly dismissive of the concerns brought up by students. </p>
<p>For the record, I was blessed to attend a wonderfully supportive school one could dream about in terms of relations with students and parents. Yet, my parents had to intervene to deal when an extraordinary medical condition had to be correctly addressed during the first semester. </p>
<p>SCDraper, absolutely nothing wrong with texting/talking daily or often IMO. Have done that with my two that have completed college. But our conversations usually revolved around a variety of things from the weather, to last night’s Amazing Race episode to what we had for dinner - and sometimes, about my work or their school! The difference to me is if/when those conversations become a daily report of “how did you do on that test”, “did you get that paper written and did you proofread it twice? Do you want me to proof read it?”, “I’m going to call your advisor tomorrow and ask him why you can’t take that class you got blocked out of” - that sort of thing. </p>
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<p>I absolutely believe you should have access to/know about:
- Bills and other financial information
- Information about registration
- Grades/progress reports/discipline reports
- Significant medical issues </p>
<p>…and have made it clear to our children it is a condition of our financial support. </p>
<p>Does that make me a control freak ? The alternative is someone willing to spend tens of thousands of dollars on an
investment that may have no chance of success while my child fails their goals. </p>
<p>Ill take the freak label. </p>
<p>Watching kids go through hard times is one of the most difficult things about parenting college age kids. Major disappointments, heart break, basic unfairness, tough classes, room mate problems, confusion about ones true purpose of life are normal and part of life. As much as we wish our kids will never, ever feel pain, it is unavoidable and, as we all know, these tough times will help them grow.</p>
<p>The worse thing I can do is to interfere and convey the message in anyway that these experiences are abnormal or something they cannot handle. </p>
<p>But it is hard. I also send proof of life requests during these times especially. My kids handle it differently w.r.t. me. One shuts me out and wants to handle it herself because perhaps my anxiety about a situation isn’t helpful. Another is comforted to hear- “ya, that’s crappy!” by his/her mom! The third did ask us to interfere in a judicial decision that seemed overly harsh. I can’t say we helped the situation.</p>
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My mom does not have direct access to the above. I provide her with that information and continue to do so because it’s in our best interest. She has the records, but she doesn’t take the reigns so to speak. </p>
<p>I share a lot with my mom - how I’m feeling, how my living situation is, things that are bothering me, areas in which I’m struggling in. I add disclaimers so I can tell her what’s not necessary to get worked up over or what is necessary to help me through. She does a great job and I couldn’t imagine getting through my first year without the advice and guidance that she provided. She’s anything but a helicopter parent; she’s an invested parent. If she was a helicopter parent, I’m sure she would’ve kicked out my last roommate and had two meetings with my dean by now!</p>
<p>To follow up on a few of xiggi’s comments, I have sometimes had to be more involved than I would have liked to be or thought I should need to be, because of the incompetence of the adults in charge who feel they can blow off the students despite their appropriate attempts to resolve their own issues. I am speaking of high school and younger, though, since my children’s colleges were well run by competent people. Still, I have been more involved with my youngest, now in high school, than I had ever expected, and one reason is that the guidance and instruction that should be coming her way from teachers and coaches is not. </p>
<p>^^ High school is a whole other thing. The lack of professionalism at my daughter’s was appalling. She got to Harvard despite her HS, not because of it. Her mom and I checked into quite a few small things along the way, especially the college admissions process.</p>
<p>I can’t even remember what classes my kid is taking, let alone when he has a exam or paper due. I would never, in a million years, call his college about anything. We wanted our son to learn how to speak up for himself starting in elementary school and told him to go see to the teacher or principle by himself when there was a problem - even when he was as young as 6. </p>
<p>We talk whenever he feels like calling. No set schedule and sometimes it can be several times a week or not for a few weeks or more, but I don’t think a kid calling a parents once or even several times a day is helicoptering. But if the parent is the one doing all the calling and asking about grades, courses, exams, etc., on a regular basis, imo, that is helicoptering. </p>
<p>We did a seminar at a college whose staff cautioned against being helicopter parents. I found it pretty amusing. I think “helicopter parent” is an offensive term created by organizations who want you to let go of control of your kid so the organization can have it. I wonder how far other big businesses would get if they tried to embarrass parents into letting their 18-year-olds(+/-) handle legal and financial business, including loans that run into the thousands of dollars, without parental involvement. </p>
<p>My husband and I encourage our kids to handle their business affairs like adult people, and that means requesting assistance from whomever they require whenever they deem it necessary. I’ve offered advice for handling difficult professors to nieces and nephews and will do the same for my children when the time comes. I expect my kids to do their work, monitor their own grades, and seek out their professors when they need assistance, but if they run into a major problem that they need my help with I expect them to come to me. That’s what I’m here for; I’m not here to judge whether or not some other parent is overprotective according to my standards. That’s not my business.</p>
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Not my experience. Most administrators I know who work directly with students feel pretty hamstrung by FERPA regulations. Financial matters are especially a hassle when the student is clueless but you can’t legally talk to the parents. The situations I know of where someone wanted to “control” a kid are very few and usually turned into a lawsuit that we lost.</p>
<p>ETA: If I had to guess (some things are unknowable) the term “helicopter parent” probably arose in one of the faculty discussion forums on the Chronicle of Higher Education, and it was probably a professor complaining about some annoying parent on the telephone – not an administrator. Those forums are brutal.</p>
<p>“ETA: If I had to guess (some things are unknowable) the term “helicopter parent” probably arose in one of the faculty discussion forums on the Chronicle of Higher Education”</p>
<p>I doubt the term helicopter parent was invented at the college / higher education level. The term has been around for years describing hovering elementary school parents. </p>
<p>Check Wikipedia. They suggest various origins. </p>
<p>Fwiw, it would have been appropriate if the term was named for Gen. MacArthur’s mom who moved across the street of West Point. Kinda keep it in the military! ")</p>
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<p>Actually, what’s up with that “Parents’ Orientation”? I am forced (by my spouse) to attend one next week. Why am I taking some time off from work to fly to some stupid college to do this? Can’t the orientation be summarized in two sentences:
- You shall pay the tuition on time.
- Your kid is an adult so you cannot access his/her transcript and medical records without his/her permission.</p>
<p>I am really surprised that some of you guys have access to your kiddo’s grades. I did not realize how badly my dear kid was slacking off in college until I saw her GPA listed in her resume for her summer internship - ouch.</p>
<p>I see parent orientations more as help for those who need it or are curious. My university does a fine job at providing helpful resources - financial, emotional, family, health and wellness - and I see the benefits that come from it. </p>
<p>As for grades, I don’t see what’s wrong with knowing your kids grades. If I’m pumping tens of thousands into my kid’s education, I’d like to see exactly what you’re doing each semester…actually I’d like midterm grades, as well. /
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<p>From what you recall? You say you have a third year student at Cornell. Surely you can “recall” what your own student or friends of your college student (parents ) have said about this.</p>
<p>To be honest, I can’t believe you really are a parent.</p>
<p>Well, I WANTED to go to Parents’ Orientation since I had gone to UT myself. I wanted to see how the campus had changed and learn what was new in the engineering school. It was danged hot that day, and reminded me why I moved to Maine immediately after college!</p>